This is satire, so don't take anything on this page seriously. I put 32 celebrities on the clock and had each of them make a pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. How did it turn out? Keep reading, or click here to view my real 2012 NFL Mock Draft or 2013 NFL Mock Draft. Follow @walterfootball for news and updates.
Cincinnati Bengals: Mike Wallace, WR, Ole Miss
(By Mitt Romney, Republican Presidential Candidate)
This pick will be used to sign Mike Wallace. I guarantee it. What? You say that Cincinnati will have to surrender the 21st pick? You, sir, are wrong. Trust me. What? You still don't believe me? Ha, well, in that case, I will bet you $10,000 dollars that I am correct. What? You say $10,000 is a lot of money? That's ridiculous. I wipe my butt with $10,000 every morning. In fact, I recently placed a $50 million bet in Las Vegas on black at the roulette table. I lost, but I didn't care because I have trillions of dollars lying around my house. I'd give some to poor people, but they are insignificant to me, muhahahahaha!
San Diego Chargers: Whitney Mercilus, DE/OLB, Illinois
(By Dan Fouts, CBS color analyst)
I have the Chargers taking a Whitney Mercilus out of Illinois college with the 18th pick, which is right before the 19th pick, but right after the 17th pick. Now, Whitney is usually a girl's name, but Whitney Mercilus is not a girl in this case. This is important, but not as important as his last name.
Mercilus is an interesting name. It begins with an M, which stands for middle, as in the middle of the alphabet. After that is an E. You can't get an E on a test. Then there's an R. That's after M in the alphabet. Then there's a C. There are no C's in my name. Then there's an I, which is also a word. That is very confusing. Then there's an L. Interesting that there's an L and an R in Whitney's name, almost as if he can play on the left and right side. Then there's a U. You'd think U would be a word like I, but it's not. I don't understand this. And then there's an S, which makes words plural, so if Mercilus weren't plural, it would just be Mercilu.
Chicago Bears: Many Players (Listed Below)
(By Barack Obama, U.S. President)
Usually in the NFL Draft, a team can only take one player per pick. This is how it's always been. But I've proposed an 800-page bill that will change that. Since no one will read an 800-page bill, I suspect it'll pass in Congress.
Here's the breakdown: I believe the successful teams in the NFL like the Packers, Patriots and Giants need to be penalized. They are just winning too much, and they're not giving others a chance. The Packers, Patriots, Giants and other teams of that ilk will hand over picks to a governing panel that I will oversee. We will then redistribute picks accordingly. For instance, we'll take the 12 picks from the playoff squads and hand one to the Rams, one to the Colts and one to the Vikings. The other nine picks will be given to the Bears.
If you recognize this model, it's the same as our tax system. We justly penalize people who are working hard, and we make the brainwashed public think that the tax dollars are going to the poor, when in reality, they are going to the government's special interests. This is a great system, so it will work in the NFL. The Bears are my special interest, so just look at what they will be doing with all of the tax doll- I mean picks:
- Kendall Wright, WR
- Cordy Glenn, G/OT
- Whitney Mercilus, DE
- Jonathan Martin, OT
- Stephen Hill, WR
- Nick Perry, DE
- Dre Kirkpatrick, CB
- Devon Still, DT
- Coby Fleener, TE
- Stephon Gilmore, CB
With my new, great system, the Bears can add 10 outstanding prospects to the roster with their nine extra picks. It's a good thing no one reads 800-page bills. Oh, and don't tell anyone, but it was hard to fill space in this 800-page bill because I only really needed three pages, so I packed most of it with advertisements.
I'm not voting for any players because they are not voting for me! I have a new idea that may work though. I promised everyone that they will be able to go to the moon by 2020 if I'm elected president, but that didn't excite anyone. Well, how about this? By 2030, we'll be able to go to the sun! That's right. Tired of all the cloudy days that make suntanning impossible? I'm looking at you, Mr. McShay. Well, if you're on the sun, you won't have to worry about that. It's sunny all the time because you're on the sun.
Please vote for me. Please. I'll even give everyone suntan lotion because you'll definitely need it while relaxing on the sun's surface. I'll even give you free beach towels if you vote for me. I'll- wait, hold on, someone's calling me. Oh, it's my secretary. She wants to bang. If you'll excuse me...
Cincinnati Bengals: None
(By Rick Perry, Republican Presidential Candidate)
I have a great pick for the Bengals. It'll change their entire franchise and will be the catalyst for their Super Bowl run this year. Ya won't believe how smart this pick is. In fact, I'm so eager to reveal it, so let's get right to it. The pick is... is... umm... the umm... the... haha, the pick is a great one, it's... uhh... the one... umm... the... this pick will change everything, it's... the... uhh... umm... uhh... the uhh...
Cleveland Browns: Janoris Jenkins, CB, North Alabama
(By Rick Santorum, Republican Presidential Candidate)
Janoris Jenkins is the only option here for the Lions. That's because we are all 100-percent sure that Janoris Jenkins is not gay. You see, Janoris had bastard children with not one... not two... not three... but four women. That's one, two, three, four. Four pieces of evidence that Janoris is not gay. You can't have a gay football player. You just can't. Gay people are evil and will all burn in hell, along with the heathens who look at porn. That's why Janoris has to be the pick. Him and his long, dark, bulging, juicy co... uhh... where was I? Oh, gay people, how stupid are they? They should all die right now!
Detroit Lions: Supposed Ignorance
(By Jim Boeheim, Syracuse Basketball Head Coach)
*** Mikel Leshoure agreed to do this pick, but he never showed up. Jim Boeheim took his place. ***
People are asking me where Mikel Leshoure is. I have no idea. I also have no clue as to whether or not he smoked weed. All I have is his toxicology report and live footage of him lighting up a blunt, but I really don't know if he was high or not.
Why do people always assume that I know stuff? Like when they asked me about Bernie Fine. All I had was a taped conversation between Fine's alleged victim and his wife discussing how Bernie boinked the kid up the butthole. But I have no idea if Fine sexually molested that kid or not. And then there was the silly ordeal with the violated drug policy. I didn't even know we had a drug policy. Sure, I helped write it, but I didn't know we actually had it, and even though I knew some of the players violated it, I didn't know they actually violated it, you know what I'm saying?
One thing I think we can all agree on is that Joe Paterno should get some blame for this. He could have stopped the drug violations, the Fine sexual abuse and Leshoure's supposed addiction to marijuana. If only JoePa went to the police... He knew everything. He needs to pay the price. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go kiss up to the media so they'll write good things about me.
Cliff Harris needs to be the pick. He's the best available player and he fills a big need. I've seen him slip to the middle rounds of mock drafts, but that's blasphamy. Why would he fall? Because of alleged character concerns? Pssh.
We'll never know what really happened. I just have a hard time believing a college football player could drive 118 miles per hour down the road demolition style. I just have a hard time believing a guy in his early 20s would smoke weed demolition style. We've never heard Harris speak. We've only heard one side...
Denver Broncos: John Brantley, QB, Florida
(By John Elway, Vice President of Football Operations for Broncos)
Florida quarterbacks are great. I love Florida quarterbacks. Well, I love almost all of them. There's one particular guy I'm not fond of. Many of you know him as Tim Tebow. I know him as Tim A**hole.
Tim never followed directions. I told him, "Look Tim, you're going to have to take a dive. People want you to start, but I want to give Brady Quinn a chance, so go out there, stink it up and take one for the team." He didn't do that. He won. That jerk. And then there was that 316-yard passing performance against the Steelers. I literally s*** in my pants when that happened because I thought I'd have to start him for the entire 2012 season. Fortunately, I was able to brainwash most of the public into forgetting about that game.
I'm drafting John Brantley to prove that Tebow was a fraud. I want to show everyone that all Florida quarterbacks are capable of single-handedly carrying a team with an old running back, no receivers, a mediocre offensive line and a banged-up defense. Trust me, people. Bomani Jones was right when he said Tebow was the worst quarterback in the NFL. I'd rather have Caleb Hanie. At least you know Hanie isn't going to do anything stupid like look amazing throwing the ball against the Steelers in a playoff win. He's a team player. If a coach tells him to suck, he'll suck.
Houston Texans: Katniss Everdeen?, K, District 12
(By Shannon Sharpe, CBS Analyst)
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New England Patriots: None
(By Ryan Leaf, former Chargers' quarterback)
*** The No. 27 overall pick was reported stolen Thursday evening. ***
I swear I didn't take this pick. I swears! I don't even know what happened to it. It wasn't me. It was that guy the face. He went thatta way. Quick, go get him while I hide the p... I mean help you find the pick. I wonder what could have happened to it. Oh, if only there was a security system to catch the culprit. What's that you say? There is a camera? Uhh... if you'll excuse me, I have to buy plane tickets for Mexico. See ya!
Green Bay Packers: Harrison Smith, SS, Notre Dame
(By Mike Mayock, NFL Draft analyst)
Six-foot-two, 207 pounds, soakin' wet, the No. 2 safety on my board is Harrison Smith from Notre Dame, not the consensus safety, but the No. 2 safety on my board, you hit all the bases with Smith out of Notre Dame, up from 6-2, 205 a year ago, did a great job putting on weight and keeping his elite athleticism, 19 reps of two and a quarter, ran a 4.56 40, which is a great 40 time for a safety, has got vines for arms, measured at 32 and five-eighths at the Combine, which ranked amongst the leaders at his position, has quick hips, great tackling, graded him as a second-round prospect last year, in talking with some teams, there's a buzz about him and someone may take him in the first round, has all the makings of a blue-chip safety, had a great career at Notre Dame, was unbelievable in the Senior Bowl practices and stood out during the game, continued his momentum at the Combine and then at his Pro Day, I'd twit about this, but I don't like technology, I don't even know the correct terminology, but the team that drafts Smith is going to get a fantastic leader for their defense, and he's extremely versatile, can play strong safety, free safety, even some nickel corner, he's a smart kid, he works hard, he's plug and play, he'll never let you down on the practice field or during game day, I can go on forever about his intelligence, fluid hips, agility, positive character, effectiveness in both stopping the run and coverage, I covered Notre Dame this year, so I saw every game of is, and let me tell you Paul, this kid is a fantastic player and great to have in the locker room, in fact I didn't notice a single bad play, covering all the Notre Dame games, he's a great kid, and he's going to make a football team and be real competitive.
Baltimore Ravens: None
(By Joe Flacco, quarterback)
Why would we take anyone? Not only am I the best quarterback in the NFL; I'm the best player in the league. I'm even better than Ray Lewis and Ed Reed. I'm so good that I can win games on my own. I talked to Ozzie Newsome about cutting Lewis and Reed to prove that I'm right. He told me he'd think about it, so that's cool.
Ugh, I'm so frustrated. OK, so I was watching TV and my 6-year-old nephew comes into the house and says, "Joey, Joey, look at this picture I drew for you at school!" I took it out of his hands, ripped it in half. He started crying, but what the hell did he want me to do? I yelled at him: "I'm the best artist in the world. This is junk compared to what I can do. Get this crap out of my face!"
I thought everything was cool, but then my wife comes in and screams at me. I say, "Yo wife, just because I'm the best cook in the world, and my food makes yours taste like poop doesn't mean you gotta hate, woman!"
So, I left my house and went to mini-golf. I had to wait in line, which is ridiculous. Finally, I had enough, so I yelled, "Hey, I'm the best mini-golfer here, all of yous better move out of my way."
But they didn't. Unbelievable. Why does no one understand how great I am? FML!
San Francisco 49ers: Mark Barron, SS, Alabama
(By Blaine Gabbert, quarterback)
Mark Barron looks like he hits hard, so I want him in the NFC so I only have to play him once every four years. It's not fair. Why does everyone hit so hard? I just wanna go out and throw the football around, but these guys are meanies!
The NFL is hard. It reminds me of the Hunger Games actually. Believe it or not, I was in the Hunger Games. The 64th-annual ones. When they picked me, I pooped my pants. I actually pooped my pants 25 times during the entire Hunger Games. One time the diarrhea was so bad that when one of the Tributes found me under the rock I was hiding under, he smelled it and he died instantly. Luckily for me, he was the only Tribute left, since they all killed each other when I was hiding under the rock, so I won. Yay.
But now it feels like I'm back in the arena. I'm going to send a letter to Roger Goodell asking him to put rocks on the field so I can hide under them. I dunno how I'm going to get the snap from center, but I'll figure something out. I just hope Roger comes through for me. I'm tired of buying new boxers to compensate for all the poop.
New England Patriots: Unclear
(By Tom Brady, quarterback)
Thank you, thank you all for coming to this unscheduled press conference. I wouldn't have called one if it wasn't an emergency. But I must address a pressing issue.
I'm sure all of you have read WalterFootball.com's 2012 April Fools NFL Mock Draft. If you've perused it, you may have developed the belief that I married Rosie O'Donnell. I have to announce that this is not true.
Rosie is just someone I'm not particularly interested in. He seems like a nice guy, but he's not my type. I only prefer to date, impregnate and/or marry supermodels. In fact, my goal is to bang 20,000 supermodels per year.
Let me repeat: I am not married to Rosie O'Donnell. I want to bang 20,000 supermodels per year. I don't want to bang any fat guys. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I prefer to impregnate supermodels.
Thank you once again for attending this press conference. I greatly appreciate it, and please remember, I want to boink supermodels; not fat guys. Supermodels. Not fat guys. No fat guys. Nope. Only supermodels. Yeah.
New York Giants: Coby Fleenin', TE, Stanford
(By Emmitt Smith)
WalterFoot ask me to write a preview for my upcomin' 2012 NFL Mark Draft. For those of you who does not know, a preview is like a review, only except the number P comin' before the review, which make it the preview.
Coby Fleenin' have the same name as the basketball player on the Los Angeles Lakes, Kobe Brian. It spelled different, but it have the same meaning, which is call a homophobe. But let me make somethin' clear. Just because Coby Fleenin' and Kobe Brian have the same name, do not mean they have the same family or relations. If you do not believe me, I meet a guy name Emmitt one day and he have a different family and DNA information. I have not ever meet him in my whole lives! He obviously not related to myselves, or I would have meet him earlier.
Stay tune for my 2012 NFL Mark Draft comin' later in the month of 2012.
I'm sure it's because your "NFL Matches" section is just the usual copy/pasta from other scouting report articles, but I literally spit out my drink reading you suggest Mixon as a fit for the Ravens. Zero chance that happens lol.