Last update: A couple hour ago. Next update: Who in God name would update the mark draft lot of time?
My friend Ryan IMed me about a week ago, "Emmitt's on TV again!"
I was thrilled. It's been two years since we've heard Emmitt Smith debaclize the English language - go here for some of Emmitt's quotes - so I was eager to tune in and listen to some of Emmitt's "analysis."
"What network is he working for now?" I asked. Ryan's answer disappointed me. "He's in a commercial," he said.
I think this is a disgrace. Despite Emmitt's inability to conjugate verbs and make logical points, he's the best analyst of all time. Who else is as unintentionally humorous as him? No one.
Until someone hires Emmitt, I'll continue to pump out these Emmitt Mocks. This is what a 2011 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Emmitt Smith created one. This is satire, so don't take any of this seriously. But please read it - Emmitt put blood, sweat and cry into it.
"A mark draft very difficultness to create. Please read all my doggone pick!"
New England Patriots: J.J. Wart, RB, Wisconsin
I read on American on the Line that Bill Belichick not goin' to draft J.J. Wart from Wisconsin because Belichick do not like Wart's agent, Tom Condom. Some people still think the Patriot will draft Wart as a defensive linesmen, but Belichick a man of big principles. And the principles is the guy who in charge of the high school!
But what happen if Wart change his position to runnin' back? I saw a picture of Wart, who a big white guy. Another big white guy is Peyton Manning, who run a mop all over the Patriot last year with the Browns. If Wart become a runnin' back, I can see him in the Patriot.
San Diego Chargers: Steven Friday, RB, Virginia Tech
The Charger missin' LaDainian Tom... uhh... Tom... uhh... Tom last year and missed the doggone playoff because of these happened stance. The team need new runnin' back so bad that it would not surprise me to see the Charger spend every single pick in the mark draft on a runnin' back!
Steven Friday name remind me of Friday, Friday song by Rebecca Brown. I saw my son, Emmitt Smith the Fifth watchin' it on the YouTube, and at first I slap him upside the head because I thought it was a porno video. But then I realize that Rebecca Black just signin' about the day Friday, which have high value of education. My son learn that Saturday come after Friday and then Sunday come before Friday. I learn these in six grade!
New York Giants: No Pick in the Mark Draft!
The Giant are the bone of my existant... or... uhh... the vein of my existencement. I forgot how this metaphize go, but the point being I hate the Giant with my every fiberoptic of my body. I do not want to give the Giant any player in the Markk Draft because they do not deserve any player!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Justin Houston, DE, Georgia
I did not watch any game of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers ball club last season, so I call an old college of mine, Troy Aiken, to fine out who they are going to pick in the mark draft.
Troy Aiken tolded me to put Justin Houston in this pick in the mark draft. I has never heard of Justin Houston, but from the look of things, he must be from the state of Houston, which located in the city of Dallas.
I then shown Troy Aiken my mark draft, and ask him what he think of my mark draft? He say, "Emmitt, it's called 'mock draft.'"
I am surprise to learn that the NFL Mark Draft is not call NFL Mark Draft after all. It is called the NFL Mock Draft. All this time, I thought the NFL Mark Draft was name after someone name Mark, but it turns out that the NFL Mock Draft is name after someone name Mock.
Kansas City Chiefs: Marcus Pouncey, G, Florida
If it were up to me, Marcus Pouncey would be the first entire pick in the entire mock draft. First of all, Marcus Pouncey from the University of Florida State, go gata. And third of all, Marcus Pouncey have a brother in the National Conference of Football who name Marcus Pouncey. And he not just his brother - he is twin brother, which mean they exactly the same person, but different.
A long time ago, some scientist or dentist do a comparison of twin, and he learn that they can read each other's mines, almost like they have the telephone ability. Marcus Pouncey is his brother creeper, so he learn all the trick of the trade when it come down to playin' football in the professionals. And he learn all the trick of the trade usin' the telephone ability!
Indianapolis Colts: Greg Salads, WR, Hawaii
While we on the subjective of twin, do anybody else find it odd that there are two prospect name Greg Salsa and Greg Salads? They both receiver, and they both from the city of Hawaii. Just one guy have a "D" in his name, and one guy do not have a "D" in his name, and one guy name after a soup, and one guy name after a salad.
This all very confusin', but one thing that do not have confuse is that the Colt need to give Peyton Hillis a receiver to throw to because Boston Collie got hit upside the head every game he play.
Philadelphia Eagles: Anthony Conzo, OT, Boston College
Why do so many people still have a problem with Michael Vick? Everybody deserve a second chance. Michael Vick deserve a second chance to drown more dog and electrify more dog. Those are his hobby, and as long as he not hurtin' anybody, nobody have a right to destroy his hobby!
The Eagle better protect Michael Vick because too many defensive men hit him upside the backside last season. Anthony Conzo see his stock fallin' recently because he a Rhoades Scholar like that guy last year. When will people learn that Rhoades Scholar have nothin' to do with the National Football Conference? Conzo is a Rhoades Scholar, which obviously mean that he study the road and the highway. But road and highway do not have anything to do with the game of footballs!
New Orleans Saints: Virgin Green, TE, Nevada
The Saint release Jeremy Shock a couple of day or week ago, which really shock me. And I am not just sayin' these because Jeremy Shock have the same alphabet as the word "shock." I'm sayin' these because I have shock when the the Saint got rid of Jeremy Shock!
It is hide time to bring in a new tight end who can catch the football from Drew Breed. Virgin Green really intrigue me because he never have sexuals before. Not too many player can resist the temptation of woman, so Virgin Green will soon learn about the bird and the bee. If you do not know the story yourselves, it is about the man bird see the woman bee, and they decide to have sexuals. Then the woman bee have a baby, but the man bird do not want to stay around, so he leave and then the judge make him pay child support.
Seattle Seahawks: No player needed!
I'm so sick and tire of all these pick. Why do the mock draft has to has so many doggone pick? I need to call Roger Goldman to change the order of the mock draft so I don't become to tire makin' my doggone pick. From now on, 10 pick in the first round, five pick in the second round and three pick in the third round. That's it, no ifs ands or buttons.
I cannot even mustard the strength to find out who the Seahawk goin' to pick, so I went on the Google machine and type in "Pete Carroll." Eventually, I found the following passageway:
Peter Carroll, two young British ... with the IOT during the 1980s disliked the increasingly draconian...
Draconian? Draconian obviously mean it have something to do with Dracula and maybe werewolf or Count Chocula. So if the Seahawk have all those character on the team, they do not need anybody else!
Baltimore Ravens: Tyrone Smith, OT, USC
Do Tyrone Smith make sense for the Raven? I call Jim Harbaugh to find out the truth. He say that Tyrone Smith bein' available would be a pipe dream.
Contrary to popular believes, a pipe dream is not a dream that have many pipe! It may sound crazy, but I swear it is truth - I just look it up on the Wikipedius!
Atlanta Falcons: Blade Gabberd, QB, Missouri
Joe Theismand talk about Matt Ryan one night on Thursday Night Football Conference during the season. He say somethin' interestin'. So interestin', I grab a pencil and scrabble it on my notepad. He say, "Matt Ryan have a clock in his head."
How do Matt Ryan have a clock? I think about it a long time, and I do not understand how the clock fit inside. I even try to fit a clock inside my head, but it do not fit!
Somethin' obviously wrong with Matt Ryan, so the Falcon need a new quarterback. I only use Blade Gabberd only once so far, so he become the second pick for a team in the mock draft.
New England Patriots: Mistake - No Player!
I has one question for everybody readin' this mock draft. How do the Patriot have two draft pick in the first round? I thought about this question for a month, and I come up with three possible solution:
1. Bill Billick use his camera to steal this doggone pick.
2. It is ground dog day all over again, like in the movie where the guy wake up on ground dog day every day. I hate it when the ground dog see his shadow, so there will be six more months of spring.
3. Roger Goldman make a mistake when he make the order of the mock draft. So no player, Mr. Billick! Like the sayin' go, cheaters never win, and quitters never cheat.
Chicago Bears: Jah Reid, OT, Central Florida
Everybody got on Jay Butler's case when he injury himselves in the doggone playoff. He left the game and cry like a baby on the sidelined. I once play a game against the Giant, the bone of my existent, when I have injured, and Jay Butler cannot even try. It is true when people say he have sand in his viganus.
A linemen will make sure Butler protected. Jah Reid do not have a relation to Jah Rule even though they have the same first name and the same first alphabet of the last names. I call Jah Rule to confirm these hypothensis, but he laugh at me, so it must not be true.
New York Jets: Austin Bettis, WR, Boise State
On Monday Night Football Conference, Mike Taco say that Mark Santiago have a lot of pocket presents. And presents is what you give on Christmas, birthday and Halloween!
Speakin' of presents, I'm goin' give Mark Santiago a presents with this pick in the mock draft. And if you think by presents I mean wide receiver, well you hit the nail right on the button!
Austin Bettis a tough receiver. How do I know? Because he have the same alphabet in the last name as Jerome Bettis. See, if somebody have the same alphabet in the first name as somebody else, there is only a 50-percent chance they half related. But if two person have the same alphabet in the last name, there is 1,000-percent chance they brother from the same mother or aunt.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Cameron Heyward, RB, Ohio State
Some people say that Cameron Heyward is a defensive linesman. What a ignorance statement!
Cameron Heyward obviously runnin' back in the National Football Conference. Cameron Heyward dad name Ironhead Heyward, and the apple do not fall far from the bush.
But Cameron Heyward need a nickname that is not Nick. His dad was Ironhead, and iron given to second place in the Olympus Game. Copper is the next prize, so I will call Cameron Heyward "Copperhead" Heyward.
Green Bay Packers: Cam Newton, QB, Auburn
Congratulation to the Green Bay Packer for winnin' the doggone playoff. To the victory go the spoiled food!
If the Packer want to win the doggone playoff for the second time in a row, they gonna need new blood at the quarterback. Aaron Rodgers a good athlete, but the Packer are puttin' all their egg in one basketball if they countin' on Aaron Robinson to do what he did last year again this year.
Can Newton good enough to be takened three time in a row in the mock draft. He is that talent. He can throw the ball, he have confidence in his own confident, and he float like a butterfly, sting like a leopard.