As I wrote in the opening paragraph of my Emmitt Anthology Volume III, 2009 was a rough year. Unemployment increased. Tons of houses continued to foreclose. The Jersey Shore was born. Squaresoft ruined its Final Fantasy franchise. Tons of celebrities died. And worst of all, we had to go through an entire NFL season without hearing Emmitt debacle the English language on ESPN.
It's been more than a year now since Emmitt was fired, and things continue to get worse. Hopefully ESPN comes to its senses and re-hires him soon. Maybe they'll even fix their former best show NFL Primetime while they're at it.
At any rate, this is what a 2010 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Emmitt Smith created one. This is satire, so don't take any of this seriously. But please do read it - Emmitt put blood, sweat and cry into it.
"A mark draft very difficultness to create. Please read all my doggone pick!"
San Francisco 49ers: Noned
We have a trader in our mitts. Somebody very cunning steal everybody draft pick and give it to every team from the NFC West Conference. How do nobody not notice these? First the Seattle Seahawk, not the San Francisco 94ers. This guy who steal the pick obviously think he is like Robin Hood - a guy from the past who got 25 weeks or years in jail because he stoled from the poor and gaved to the rich.
Some say Robin Hood very honorable man. I do not belief this. Every team deserve to has a pick in the mark draft. The 94ers already had their chance to take player. Now let somebody else have a chance to take player. Roger Goldman obviously doing a very, very poor job as a commissioner in the National Football Conference of Footballs. Maybe he is the trader who have the mitts!
Pittsburgh Steelers: Sam Bradley, QB, Oklahoma State
There have been big news in the state of Pittsburgh recently. A women went to the police and accuse Ben Roethlisberger of sexual insult. Now, I have never been accuse of being or having sexual insultment in my lives, but I can only imagine what the Big Ben is going through right now. This is the second time he have been accuse of sexual insultment, and as the old sayin' go, "One is an accident, two is a bigger accident, three even bigger accident, four the accident so big you do not have any idea how big the accident have become!"
If Big Ben have another sexual insultment on top of these two, there is a chance he will go to jail for a very, very long time. In our society, the rule go, "Three strikes and you have or has a strike out." Big Ben one strike remove from havin' a striked out, which is not positive thinging! The Steelers need to draft a quarterback just in case Big Ben go to jail where he will be sexual insultmented from the behind.
Atlanta Falcons: Jared Best, RB, California
Every year I complain about these, and every year it fall on dead ears. The first round of the doggone mark draft very long! And I say this with an explanation point!
It is taking me week to complete this mark draft. If I had the final said, I would make every round in the draft process only 10 pick, maybe 12 or 13 pick at mostly. This plan would cut down the long time the draft take. It always take hours to have a completion. With this plan, it will take hours but less hours than the amount of hours it took before.
Oh, I almost forget about Atlanta pick. Every team need four good runnin' back to compete for the Super Bowl game. Atlanta have Michael Turner, Jerious Norway and the other fellow who step up big last month. Jared Best, who name after the adverb "best" that mean "best," would be the fourth pick Atlanta need to make it to the Super Bowl games.
Houston Texans: Maurkice Pounds, C, Florida
Maurkice Pounds is one of the three twin who play for Florida. He have a twin brother name Maurkice. Both are very good inside offensive lineman who have a great chance to be great players in the conference.
The Houston Texas need an upgrade at the center position. I look on the depth chart and the current guy who play center name is Chris Myers. If that name do not ring the bells for you, Chris Myers have another job - he report on the sideline for FOX. I do not have a problem with a guy carryin' two employments, but Chris Myers very old in the mouth and have love handhelds on the side of his body. Plus, he ruin Ivan Johnson's wedding proposal that one time on television. Anybody who ruin a wedding proposal give me a bad taste of the tongue, and is a bad guy in my notebook!
Cincinnati Bengals: Emmitt Smith IV the Fourth, RB, Florida
For the first time in a couple of decade, the Bengals have become an all-around good football club for the first time their career. Cedric Bender do a great job of running with will, power and strong. Power and strong mean the same thing but have different letter. My English teacher in first grade teached me that these word are called homophobe.
But Cedric Bender cannot carry the load on his owns. This is why it is time to place my son Emmitt Smith IV the Fourth in my mark draft. In inplore the Buccaneers and Chargers to take my son last couple of years, but they do not listen! Maybe the Bengal will listen! My son probably seven or nine year old by now, so he have a lot of youthfulness in his leg. He can be a good runnin' back in the conference for 15 maybe even 25 years!
New England Patriots: Mario Hard Ice Tea, RB, Tennessee
Mari Hard Ice Tea is one of my sleeper pick for the 2010 mark draft. A sleeper pick is define by two thing: a guy who go in the late round but become good, or a guy who sleep too much that he get cut by the folk who draft him.
Mario Hard Ice Tea run real smooth like the soft drink his parents name him after. I do not find these a coincidence. Sometime, the name you have been gavened really affect your lifestyle. Mario Hard Ice Tea run smooth. Someone like Max Anger from Seattle very angry. And Matt Cassel, quarterback from Kansas, live in a castle I suspect.
Green Bay Packers: Joe McCluster, RB, USC
As the old folk across the Texas line say, the man who catch the early bird also eat the worm. Joe McCluster currently projected by many people to go in the third rounds. But the Packers can jump ahead of everybody and draft Joe McCluster right away. He have very good quick, and can score touchdown from anywhere on the field - even the sideline!
The Packers general management, Ted Thomas, like to take the best player on his chalkboard and he want to fill a need too as well. Takin' Joe McCluster like killin' two stone with one bird. He is the best player on the chalkboard and he can run a mockus against the other defenses in the NFC North Conference.
Philadelphia Eagles: Dexter McKnight, RB, Ole Miss
All throughout the draft process, every analysis on TV say, "Dexter McKnight sock have soared." This really amaze me. I thought I knew a lot about the mark draft, but this prove me wrong. I never even know sock was so important in the draft.
Dexter McKnight obviously know how to get a real good sock because his sock have soar so high! I feel sorry for the guy who do not like to wear sock, but only wear no sock and flip flop with bare foots.
Baltimore Ravens: Mary Thomas, WR, Georgia Tech
When I first seened Mary Thomas on the prospect list, I assume he was a girl because his name was Mary. But load and behole, Mary Thomas is indeed a male man.
I will admit that I do not has all the knowledge about mark draft. Sometime, I need help. I look on Mel Kipers's's and Todd Malone mark draft, and they both have... or... uhh... has Mary Thomas as the draft pick to the Baltimore Eagles. I watch Mary Thomas a couple of time, and it occur to me that he do not possess the knowledge to run route, and he drop the ball one two three many time.
Mary Thomas do not seemed like the kind of guy Ozzie Newson like to draft in the mark draft, but Mel Kipers and Todd Malone know much more about the mark draft than I do, or does.
Arizona Cardinals: Jevan Seal, QB, Oklahoma State.
Arizona really need a quarterback who can throw the ball. Kurt Warner went to unretirement, so all the Cardinal have now are Matt Lionheart, Derek Anderson and Brevin Knight. The Cardinal need complement for their runnin' backs Bernie Wells, Tim Highcastle and LaRon Steven Holdings.
The whole time I have been prepare for this mark draft, I believe that Jevan Seal was a black man. Why? Because every time I meet someone name Jevan, he was black. Instead, I was very astonishment to see that Jevan have white skin. Not that there is anything wrong with these, but if Todd Malone hear about this, I will bet you, he will buy a livestime coupon to the tannin' salon for Jevan Seal so he can become the right skin color. As Todd Malone say, "A day without a tan is like a day when s**t hit the fan."
Jevan Seal post good number last year but somethin' happen to him this month. I cannot pint point it out, but he have some difficulty. He throw more interceptions and lesser touchdown. Eventually, everyone boo him. He stunned by his community. He might as well be non-existence anymore.
Dallas Cowboys: Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa
I found this analyst in the Walter.com Football 2009 celebrity uhh... thing where you pick players. I will copy and glue this analyst, but do not call me a plagiarisms; WalterFootball.coms says I make these analyst:
I heard very bad and very strange news few days ago that nearly blowed my mind. The Cowboys cut Flozell Adam, who nickname the Hotel. The Hotel have very big, and he have a few years left in his system, so I do not know why Jerry Jones throw him out in the street and let the door hit him in the backside when he go outside.
It is very importance to have left tackle in the national conference of footballs. Bryan... B... uhh... Bolt... uhh... Booger from the University of Iowa State College, and he have good blocking. The one concerned I have with Bulger is that he have short arm. You cannot teach long arm, you can only build long arm when you inside your momma's room - the place where small baby come from. This is why I believe Bryan Baldinger will fall to the third halves of the first round in the 2010 NFL Drafting.
San Diego Chargers: Lean Taffey, K, Alabama
I do not think I ever have mark drafted a kicker in the first round of mark drafts, but desperate time call for desperate measurement.
The Chargers lossed in the playoffs to the New York Jet because Nate Kiddings missed all of his field goal kick trieds. He miss two time from close. Two time from medium distancement. And two time from very far away. You cannot blame him for the ladder two bad kick, but the other four leave a very past taste on the tongue for the people in the state of San Diego.
Leigh Taffey very good kicker from Alabama. I saw him kick in college one time, and he made the kick - the ball went right in the middle in the uptights! When it rain, it start pourin' rain drop - this mean that if Leigh Taffey can hit one good kick, he can make a lot of kick. And by a lot of kick, I mean many more kick than one kick! Maybe two kick or three kick or four kick or maybe even four kick!
New York Jets: Roger Stafford, OT/QB, Indiana
Roger Stafford have two part to the equation. The first part, his first name is Roger. This mean that he can play on the offensive line and make big holes for Thomas Greene. The third part is his last name, Stafford. Last year, the Detroit Lion drafted a player name Matthew Stafford. I looked it up on the encyclowikipedia, and it say that Roger Stafford and Matthew Stafford have a chance to be long-losted brothers. This mean that Roger Stafford can also play quarterback as well!
The New York Jet need somebody like Roger Stafford. Blocking need help and quarterback need help if Mark Santiago ever have an injury bug like he did in the city of Canada a couple of month ago.
Minnesota Vikings: Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame
There is an old Latino pronoun that go, "Revenge is always the pleasure of the weak and little minds that is sometime narrow." Wait, I think I got the pronoun incorrectly...
The whole moral of the story is that Brett Favre go to Minnesota for the sold purposement to get revenge on his old ball club. This mean he have a little mind that is weak and sometime narrow if the pronoun I have stated was word correctly, but I have my doubtfulness.
Nobody know what Brett Favre will do this winter. He have one of two choice: One, he can re-unretirement and go back to Minnesota to try and win a Super Bowl game. Or he can live with his family in the city of Mississippi and hang out with his new grandchildren. The grandchildren only a couple month old, but he can teach the grandchildren how to play games like Checkers, Yahtzee or Debaclement, the famous game where one person try to debaclize another person before gettin' debaclized himselves or herselves.
Indianapolis Colts: C.J. Spiller, RB, Oklahoma State
This is the second time in the career of this mark draft that C.J. Spiller name turn to the color of blueness. As the old saying go, one is an accident, two is a crowd. We can see that there's somethin' really special about C.J. Spiller that's not real special.
The Indianapolis Colt almost win the Super Bowl playoff game, which mean they are very close to winnin' the second Super Bowl championship in their career. Beggar cannot be chooser, but chooser indeed can become beggar. The Colts are definitely choosers because they are on top of the standings year in and year in. So, if the Colts can choose whoever they want, I believe they will take the special J.C. Spiller character, who have a habit of changin' his name to blue. Before long, people will be callin' him Blue Spiller!
New Orleans Saints: Tim Tebow, ALL, Florida
We have reach the final chapter of my mark draft. Finally, I can rest. I have been workin' on this mark draft for many years, and I had to change it a number of time because of all the doggone trade. Why can't they not wait for me to finish my mark draft!? It is very selfishness of the NFL team that make a doggone trade.
The New Orleans Saints have what it taked to win a Super Bowl game last week. The Saints have everything they need to make another run on their way to another World Series. They have quarterback. They have runnin' back. They have receivers. They have big guys who can block. They have a good coach with a good brain on his shoulder blade. And they have a lot of other thing that I forget.
What the Saint do not have is Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow, from the University of Florida State College, was corched by Irving Meyers. Irving Meyers prepare him well to play every position on the football field in the National Conference except offensive linemen, including offensive linemen! Todd Malone even say, "Tim Tebow can help team in all areas on the football field, including getting into the tanning salon, which very, very, very important." Todd, I could not disagree with you, even if I wanted to.
Now I will conclusion with the following message. Why do nobody hire me after ESP cut me down? I bring entertainment, candid and enthusiams to my next job. All somebody have to do is give me a chance. I know I sometime have trouble with the letter "s" and many pronouns I bring to the tables do not make sentences, but I promise I will work very hard with my next employment. And not just hard - very, very hard. So hard you do not understand how hard it become!