JERK OF THE WEEK: Disappearing Jerks: the Loser, the Douche, the Hobo and My Food
Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook might be expecting a detailed Jerks of the Week entry about Jerry Jackson. And if you're not friends with me on Facebook, you might be a little confused right now, so let me explain.
Nearly a month ago, I wrote about Jerry Jackson, a 26-year-old man who works at Starbucks and spends all of his time masturbating to Photoshopped pictures of male models and posting on my Facebook wall. If you don't feel like clicking the link, here's an example of something he has written:
Hours after I posted that Jerks of the Week entry, Jerry had vanished. He was completely gone. He deleted his Facebook account, and all of the embarrassing posts he made on my wall disappeared.
I laughed while telling people this news, as it was highly amusing that an "Internet tough guy" like Jerry would tuck his tail in between his legs and hide upon the first sign of humiliation. I was saddened as well, however. Jerry's posts provided so much entertainment for both myself and the readers, and it was great material for Jerks of the Week and my NFL Picks page. I knew that I'd find others to make fun of - I've been doing this for more than five years now, after all - but Jerry was comedic gold. How could I find someone else who Photoshopped his face onto a male model's body and then called that male model his best friend?
Jerry emerged from the depths of the Internet the following weekend. He was angry, claiming that he would sue me for defamation of character. I pointed out that A) he was the one who defamed himself, and B) he had no character to begin with, and this further enraged our strange Asian friend. He took things a step further, posting my address on both of our walls.
I had enough. The gloves were coming off. He could make fun of me all he wanted to, and I wouldn't care at all. Why would I concern myself with the opinion of a 26-year-old Starbucks employee? Jerry was posting for my amusement after all, almost like some court jester. He had gone too far, however, when he posted personal information.
I became obsessed with bringing him down. I wanted to find out his real name - he claimed that Jerry Jackson was a pseudonym - and then I said that I would post it on Jerks of the Week for the world to see. There's no doubt his future employers would do a Google search of him, and given that my Web site ranks highly when it comes to Google searches, his name would be the first to pop up. His life, as a consequence, would be ruined forever, and he'd be relegated to taking minimum-wage jobs like the one he has now. I told him I wouldn't do this if he met my one demand: that he apologize to everyone he insulted on my Facebook wall over the past month. I gave him 48 hours.
Jerry didn't buy it. He called my bluff, citing that there was no way for me to find out his personal information. Unfortunately for him, there was. I scoured his friends list and discovered that three of them were friends with someone I knew from my high school days, this girl Rebecca. Furthermore, one of his friends, some chick named Stacee, was mutual friends with one of mine, a guy named Phil who added me because he was a fan of the site.
When the 48-hour deadline had expired - Jerry once again deleted his profile during a 12-hour stretch, but reemerged - I contacted both Rebecca and Phil and asked them to find out all the information they could on Jerry Jackson. In the meantime, I asked a friend of mine, who used to "find people" for a living, to do some research. He came back to me a few hours later and said that he thought Jerry Jackson's real name might be "John Lee," but with only the slightest bit of confidence. He told me he just did a birthdate search - Jerry Jackson's is March 3, 1989 - but he'd do a lot more digging the following day, and that it would involve securing Jerry's IP address (which he was confident he could do), and once he obtained that, he could get much more personal info. I figured that's when I would contact Rebecca and Phil to see what they came up with as well.
I got a text the following morning from my guy: "Jerry deleted his profile, so I can't do anymore digging because I didn't save his info or his posts." I hopped onto Facebook, and it was true. Jerry was gone again, and this time, he hasn't reappeared.
Once again, I was extremely upset. I wanted to capture his wall posts and do a second full-feature entry on him, this time calling him Jerk of the Year. I was going to expose him and ruin his already-pathetic life, and now I can't do that.
I've had this empty feeling in my stomach ever since, almost as if I just broke up with a girlfriend. I've been overcome with a sense of emptiness. Of course, I could still ask Rebecca and Phil if they discovered anything, but I haven't had the motivation to do so. I'm not going to make fun of or expose someone who's not even around to defend himself. Granted, Jerry is an a**hole, and he doesn't deserve this sort of reprieve - again, he could've avoided all of this by just apologizing - but it wouldn't be as fun.
I'll just keep waiting for Jerry to return. In the meantime, I can only imagine what Jerry, the loser, is doing in his spare time now instead of posting on my Facebook wall...
Perhaps Jerry is hanging out with "the douche." Who's the douche, you ask? That could apply to anyone, after all. However, if you've been paying attention to the news lately - and by "news," I mean spats on Twitter - you know that there can only be one person truly deserving of the moniker.
I'm talking about Keith Olbermann, of course. Olbermann is one of the douchiest people on the planet. On his show, which no one watches - there's a reason ESPN keeps moving that train wreck into different timeslots - Olbermann rants and raves like a raging lunatic, completely embarrassing himself as he spews his egotistical, na�ve ideologies to a 2 a.m. audience fully comprised of stoners who are too high to find the remote.
I've never liked Olbermann, but I've never had a reason to write about him. Like I said, no one cares about what he has to say, so why discuss him? I always figured that he maintained a job with ESPN because he had pictures of one of the corporate heads whacking off to animal porn, or something. My theory was strengthened when Olbermann was just suspended briefly instead of fired for a recent episode he had on Twitter. If you missed it, here's what sparked it:
So, raising money for pediatric cancer is pitiful, according to Olbermann. Does this guy spit on homeless children in the street? Does he yearn to urinate on Mother Teresa's grave? Because Olbermann is an uber douche, the nicest people in the world must seem like scum bags to him. It's like he's living in his own episode of the Twilight Zone.
Olbermann tried to backtrack when he sensed that he would be in hot water:
Here, Olbermann chides those who replied to him by attacking their reading comprehension. The thing is, Olbermann never specified that he was calling the Penn State students "pitiful," so his mentions of reading comprehension make zero sense. Olbermann replied "pitiful" to a tweet containing how much revenue Penn State students raised for pediatric cancer. It's not like he responded "pitiful" to a tweet that went like, "PSU students are the best ppl evarrrr!" His direct reply was to someone talking about how much money was collected to help cure cancer. Thus, anyone with actual reading comprehension - i.e. not ESPN's mega douche - can see that Olbermann hates kids with cancer.
And as a Penn State alumnus, I'd like to thank Olbermann for providing this terrific Jerks of the Week material, just for being his a**hole, miserable self. Keep it up, Keith. Maybe more than a dozen people will watch your awful show one day.
So, what has Olbermann been up to during his suspension? I imagine that he's still hosting a show, but this one is from his house, and it's not being broadcasted on TV. Not that it matters, since no one would be watching anyway.
Here's a segment from Olbermann's recent episode.
Olbermann: I'm better than everyone, and everyone is an awful person, har har har. I have a special guest with me today. He's actually the only one who agreed to come on to the show. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jerry Jackson!
Jerry Jackson: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU SON? YOU USED TO BE A SPORTSCENTER ANCHOR. NOW YOUR RATINGS ARE DIRT SON.
Olbermann: I'm purposely tanking in the rankings so the ESPN suits don't rake in as much revenue because I hate the rich even though I am rich somehow, har har har!
Jerry Jackson: YOU'RE NOT RICH SON. YOU'RE DIRT POOR SON. AND YOUR WIFE IS A FAT PIG SON.
Olbermann: Now, it's time to get to the Worst People Segment. My candidate for worst person is that kid with cancer in the hospital. Yeah, you, kid. I hope you die, and I hope Penn State students die in fires as well because they shouldn't be raising money for you, dick, har har har!
Jerry Jackson: EVEN IF THE KID DIES, YOUR RATINGS ARE STILL GOING TO SUCK SON. BEST OF LUCK RAISING YOUR RATINGS SON.
Yeah, I'm glad I'm not watching that flaming pile of garbage.
The hobo isn't really the jerk in this case; rather, it's the people enraged that a certain individual is no longer a hobo.
If you don't follow sports, you may not have heard this story: Baylor running back Silas Nacita has been suspended from playing football for taking improper benefits, which is against NCAA rules. No, Nacita didn't receive money for signing autographs like Jameis Winston. No, Nacita didn't obtain $500 for working an hour at a car wash like Maurice Clarett. And no, Nacita wasn't the recipient of a lap dance at the nudie bar like Al Bundy.
Brace yourself. Nacita has been suspended for accepting food and shelter a year ago from a family friend when he was homeless. That's right - the NCAA won't let someone play because the "perpetrator" in question didn't want to live in a cardboard box. And by writing "cardboard box," I'm assuming that Nacita had an actual cardboard box; perhaps he would've been suspended for "improperly" taking one out of a dumpster.
Seriously, NCAA? Do you really not have anything better to do than ruin this (literally) poor kid's life? Every single person who had a hand in this decision would've accepted food and shelter in Nacita's situation, so they are all pious hypocrites. Really, f*** the NCAA. It's one thing to declare that no athlete will earn income from their own name, when some of them produce countless millions for the organization and the schools. It's another to force a poor living condition upon someone.
The people in charge of Baylor have no balls, by the way. Otherwise, they'd give the NCAA the middle finger and declare Nacita eligible. If I were in control, I'd write the NCAA the following letter:
You a**holes are a bunch of pricks for trying to suspend our running back, Silas Nacita. Seriously, how dare you? The poor kid just wanted a roof over his head and food in his stomach. You can go f*** yourselves.
I'm writing to inform you that Nacita will be playing football this fall, and there is nothing you can do about it. If you try to take away our scholarships, we will give them to our athletes anyway. If you ban us from bowl games, we will organize a bowl game ourselves with another school that is sick of your s***, and because of the controversy, it will draw high ratings, and you won't receive any of the revenue. If you try to sue us, we will bring in the mob and make sure your lawyers disappear if they don't comply. Come at us, motherf***ers.
But that's just me. Anyway, writing that got me thinking: What sort of individual had the idea to suspend Nacita in the first place? It had to be someone with a sinister mindset; someone who would write ridiculous posts on someone's Facebook page. Hmm... perhaps this was the letter Baylor received in the first place:
YOUR RUNNING BACK SALSA NACHO IS DONE. HE WAS DIRT POOR AND WAS GIVEN FOOD AND SHELTER. THAT'S NOT GOOD SON. THAT'S AGAINST THE RULE I MADE SON. YOUR DONE. YOU AND YOUR SCHOOL ARE DONE SON.
AS OF TODAY, SALSA NACHO IS SUSPENDED FROM ALL ACTIVITES. AS YOUR MAKER I FORBID YOU TO PLAY HIM SON. SHUT DOWN YOUR SCHOOL LIKE YOUR MAKER SAYS SON.
BY THE WAY I SAW SALSA NACHO'S GIRLFRIEND AND SHE IS A FAT BUFFALO SON. SHE MUST HAVE GOTTEN THOSE DOUBLE CHINS FROM EATING ALL THAT SALSA AND THAT NACHO. YOUR WIFE IS A FAT SLOB TOO.
TELL SALSA NACHO "BEST OF LUCK SON." BEST OF LUCK TO YOU TOO SON. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO JERK OFF TO NEW PICTURES I FOUND OF ALEC MUSSER.
At least Baylor won't have to worry about Jerry Jackson's attorney disappearing. After all, you can't make something fictional disappear.
Either my girlfriend or I go to Saladworks every Tuesday, and I just happened to be there this past week. I was standing behind this ugly woman in her 40s, who was getting two salads. One was a Sophie's Choice, whatever the hell that is. The chick behind the counter asked, "What's your second salad going to be? Sophie's Choice as well?"
The woman's reply:
"I normally get a Sophie's Choice, but I'm going to be wild tonight and try a Buffalo Blue."
Whooooooooaaaaaa there. Don't get too wild, or you just may hurt yourself!
I got a buffalo blue for both myself and my girlfriend. I nearly broke my arm in the process, given how wild I was, but I luckily came out unscathed. Phew.
I typically order tomato bisque soup along with my salad, but it wasn't an option that night, which was odd. The owner, who is familiar with my order, had some terrible news for me:
Owner: Walt, unfortunately, we discontinued tomato bisque soup.
Me: WHAT!?!?! HOW DARE YOU?!?!?! F*** YOU, MOTHERF***ERS, I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOUR STORE AND THEN MAKE YOUR LAWYERS DISAPPEAR AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
OK, I wasn't that dramatic, but I was pretty pissed. How could they get rid of tomato bisque? They know it's my favorite, so taking precious food away from a fat man is a dangerous game.
Here's the actual conversation we had...
Owner: Walt, unfortunately, we discontinued tomato bisque soup.
Me: Ugh, really? It didn't sell well?
Owner: It did. It was actually our top-selling soup.
Me: Then why'd you discontinue it?
Owner: I don't know. It was a corporate decision, so I had nothing to do with it.
Me: That doesn't make sense.
Owner: I agree. I wasn't pleased with their decision. On the bright side, we are getting squash soup as a replacement.
Squash soup? What the f*** is this, communist Russia? How could they replace tomato soup with such an abomination?
Only one person could be behind such deviousness. And no, it's not Jerry Jackson; he's too poor to be the president of Saladworks. The president of Saladworks, of course, is none other than Kim Jong-un.
Kim Jong-un: I president of Saradworks! I make peopre of my country miserabre enough for today! Time to make peopre of United State American upset! But how can make American peopre upset? Ruckiry I carr my friend Jerry Jackson on terephone!
Jerry Jackson: WHAT'S GOING ON KIM JONG-UN SON?
Kim Jong-un: Jerry Jackson, I carr you because you're expert on making peopre very angry! I need make American very angry! I arso president of Saradworks so maybe I put a poison in everybody sarad!?
Jerry Jackson: I'VE BEEN SPYING ON WALTERFOOTBALL RECENTLY AND HE ALWAYS GETS TOMATO BISQUE SOUP WHEN HE'S AT SALADWORKS SO REPLACE TOMATO SOUP WITH SOMETHING DISGUSTING SON.
Kim Jong-un: Great idea, Jerry Jackson! I arways can count on you for great idea! Now I happy! I make America peopre sad - armost as sad as peopre in my country who no have a food or sherter rike Siras Nacita ha ha ha!
Jerry Jackson: YOUR PRANKS ON THE PEOPLE OF NORTH KOREA SUCK NOW SON. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU SON? YOUR DAD WAS A STRONG RULER BUT NOW YOUR DIRT AND YOU DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. THE ONLY GIRL WHO WILL TALK TO YOU HAS FIVE CHINS SON.
Kim Jong-un: I try tark to a girr but arr girr terr me they arr have a boyfriend! Every girr in country say they have boyfriend and no can go to mini-gorf with me! Then I kirr arr mare in their rives and they stirr busy for me! Arr girl busy because they have to wash their hair on weekend night! I am a consider making it irregar to wash hair on weekend in my country so arr girr wirr be availabre to go to mini-gorf with me!
Jerry Jackson: BEST OF LUCK SON.
As it turns out, I didn't need my P.I. friend to determine what Jerry has been doing this past week. He's been starring on TV shows that no one watches, making homeless kids' lives miserable and offering advice to Kim Jong-un.
With such a busy schedule, I doubt Jerry Jackson will ever reappear again. It just takes way too much time and effort to be that much of a douche.