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Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012




Jerks of the Week for April 16, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me

I posted the following on Facebook late Saturday night:



Some of my Facebook friends commented, "not that there's anything wrong with that." Others asked if it was Matt Millen, who wanted to stick some of his beloved kielbasa into my rear end. It wasn't Millen, and yes, my rear end is safe, and no, not that there's anything wrong with any of that.

As promised, I'm going to give you the full details about this encounter, but for me to do that, I have to go back three weeks ago...


Saturday, March 24, 2012:

I usually go out one night per week unless it's the summer because I'm always working. That's generally a Friday night, and I almost always go to Tango, the bar down the block from my house, formerly known as Whiskey Tango.

People always ask if I get tired of going to the same bar every week. I look at them like they're crazy. How can I possibly get tired of Tango? Between the hot blond bartender, the racist KKK bikers and creepy stalkers who talk to me about Family Guy in the bathroom for 10 minutes, what's there to get tired of?

I went out the Friday night of this particular weekend, so I stayed in Saturday to get some work done. I received a text from my friend Jess around 1:15 a.m. that night, telling me that she was being molested.

I thought Jess was kidding at first, so I told her to tell everyone I said hi. Minutes later, I received several provocative texts from an anonymous number like, "I want u in me."

If you've been reading Jerks of the Week for a while, you know that it's always been my life dream to be raped by a hot chick, or maybe even an average-looking woman. Unfortunately, the odds of this happening are remote - I even left my Penn State dorm room unlocked for six years, and no girl has ever shown up unannounced - so I figured someone was just messing with me.

Jess texted me about half an hour later, telling me that she was pretty scared because two creepy Russian dudes were accosting her. It was then that I made up my mind - I planned to get dressed, drive down to Tango and kick some communist butt. And if luck would have it, the anonymous person texting me would be the hot blond bartender. She'd be impressed by my ability to destroy communism, and she'd rape me as a reward for my bravery and patriotism. Everyone would win.

I arrived as the bar was closing. Jess was right near the door, looking unharmed. I asked her what was happening, and she pointed to two Russian dudes. One was tall and thin, while the other was short and stocky. She said that the shorter Russian guy kept going around and touching every girl's breasts. He even stuck his hand down Jess' shirt to touch her boobs. Some other chick, who had a great rack, complained about the same thing.

Me: I don't get it. He just went around, stuck his hand inside your tops and squeezed your breasts?

Great Rack Girl: Yeah, he's such a creep.

Me: And no one did anything?

Jess: No. I even tried to pretend that I had both a boyfriend and a girlfriend, and he wouldn't leave me alone. I said I sleep with Adrienne every Saturday, Val all the time, and Sean sometimes, but he just kept coming after me.

The two Russian creepers fled the scene before I heard everything, so I couldn't say anything to them. I did wonder why they would blatantly do this at a public place. Sure, they were drunk, but most men don't assault every female they see.

My question was answered when I went on to learn that the two Russians have been in this country for less than a year. That explained everything. In fact, here's what I believe to be an accurate conversation between the two just before they left Mother Russia:

Melvis: Slav, I can't wait go United State of American. Iz call land of opportunity.

Slav: Yes, Melvis, vee have plenty opportunity in country of American. Vee can buy gold chain and track suit for little money and zen vee can go to club and have a sex vis the girl.

Melvis: Slav, forget zee gold chain and track suit. I read in magazine American girl let you touch boobs for free.

Slav: Oho, Melvis! Vhere you read zis?

Melvis: I tell you, Slav, in magazine. Magazine about shoe. Article say shoe dirtiest zing in zee vorld. Zen I read article about American girl allow you to touch boob.

Slav: Melvis, I'm ready to be American! Vee vill buy Beach Boy alboom, gold chain and track suit, and vee vill touch many boob in American!

Melvis: Yes, Slav. And zen vee have a sex vis the girl.

Nothing else happened at Tango that night - to my chagrin, Great Rack Girl wasn't the one who was sending me the provocative texts - so I went to Wawa with Jess. I got there first, and apparently Jess got stuck in a time vortex because she was five minutes behind me. Luckily for me, my early arrival allowed me to glimpse the two creepy Russians.

The shorter one, whom I dubbed Melvis, was yelling something on the phone. This is all I heard:

"Vhen taxi come? I call taxi, taxi tell me he comin, and I vait here for circy minoot. Vhere taxi!?"

Looks like Melvis and Slav are learning that America's not so great after all.







Friday, April 6, 2012:

I went to Wawa prior to going out Friday, April 6. I always get my dinner there prior to Tango. All I purchse is an Italian hoagie and some chips to keep things light. Let this be a lesson to all you novice drinkers - don't eat heavily prior to a night out because lots of food will impede your intoxication goals.

The Hot Redheaded Chick was working at Wawa this particular night. I'm usually the one who desperately tries to strike up a conversation with her, but she inexplicably initiated it this time.

Hot Redheaded Chick: What are you up to tonight?

Me: Who? Me? Oh... I uhh... I'm going to Tango.

Hot Redheaded Chick: Oh yeah, you go to Tango every Friday night, right? I remember you saying that.

Me: Yup.

Hot Redheaded Chick: I have off next Friday night, so I'll come by.

Me: YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

OK, I didn't yell that, but I wanted to. Hot Redheaded Chick is, well, hot, so even though I don't know much about her, I can tell that she's the ideal woman for me. Perhaps she's even my soul mate.

I was so shocked that I didn't know what to say beyond, "OK cool." She never gave me any sort of indication that she was interested as far as I can tell. Unfortunately, I was too slow to realize that I should have asked her for her number, or at least her Facebook profile, just in case I couldn't make it, or whatever. That would just be an excuse though. There was no way I wasn't making it to Tango on April 13. I didn't care if massive meteors were colliding with our planet that day, or if there was some great Oreo shortage; there was nothing that was going to stop me from going to Tango and trying to game the Hot Redheaded Chick.

I couldn't wait to tell Jess the news later that night.

Me: I have some exciting news about next Friday!

Jess: YOU BETTER BE HERE NEXT FRIDAY!

Me: What? Why?

Jess: VAL TOLD ME THAT MELVIS AND SLAV WERE PLANNING ON COMING HERE NEXT FRIDAY!

Me: Really?

Jess: YES, SO YOU BETTER BE HERE!

Me: Oh. Well, my exciting news is that the Hot Redheaded Chick from Wawa said she's coming here!

Jess: OK, THAT'S FINE, BUT MAKE SURE YOU PRIORITIZE PROTECTING OUR BOOBIES!

Just my luck. I was finally going to hang out with the Hot Redheaded Chick, but I wouldn't be able to pay much attention to her because I'd have to protect my friends from those communist, groping bastards. I could almost hear God laughing at me.





Friday, April 13, 2012:

The day finally arrived. I got haircut earlier in the week. I prepared one of my nicer dress shirts. I even washed my jeans for the first time in months (I had to buy Febreze at CVS.) I was ready to kick some communist butt and game the Hot Redheaded Chick at the same time.

Only, I did neither.

Hot Redheaded Chick didn't show. I don't know why she told me she'd go to Tango, but apparently something more serious than giant meteors or an Oreo famine came up. I guess Hot Redheaded Chick isn't my soul mate after all because flaky people really irk me. A couple of my other friends were no-shows. Body Burners had a legitimate excuse (eye injury), but Caveman sent me the following text when I asked why he wasn't at the bar: "I pulled my thigh/ass mussel."

Someone who did come to Tango was Always Trashed Girl, who disappointingly was not trashed. I guess I'll redub her as Sometimes Trashed Girl.

Sometimes Trashed Girl told me she read my St. Patrick's Day Jerks of the Week entry, and that it was sort of a wake-up call for her. I assured her that the moniker I gave her wasn't meant as an insult in the slightest. In fact, I considered it a high honor to be "always trashed." I was always trashed at Penn State. I've done many crazy things in my drunken nights at State College. I incited a riot at a McDonald's. I issued a citizen's arrest to a police officer. I even showed up to one of my finals completely intoxicated - and managed to score an 84. I'll have all of these stories in my upcoming book, Jerks on My Floor, which was finally completed last month. I plan on finding a literary agent in May, hopefully prior to St. Stalin's Day.

At any rate, Somewhat Trashed Girl went to play pool, so I started talking to my sister. She was telling me something - I forget what exactly because I was distracted by a basket of cheese fries. They were just sitting there on the bar, and no one was around them.

I snuck a cheese fry into my mouth. And then one more. And then another. And another. And a dozen more. And a dozen more after that. My sister finally took notice.

Sister: Wait, whose cheese fries are those?

Me: I dunno NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Sister: Eww, you're just eating some random person's cheese fries?

Me: NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

Speaking of disgusting people, Melvis and Slav were both there. They seemed to be behaving, though I was later told that Melvis grabbed Sometimes Trashed Girl's a** at one point during the night. However, they spent most of the time sitting at the bar, looking really depressed. I can only imagine what sort of conversation they had prior to going out.

Slav: Melvis, vhy you lying? You say girl in America let guy touch boob. Vee go everyvhere and try and touch boob, and many girl say zey going to call police.

Melvis: I don't know vhat happen, Slav. I tell you, I read in zee magazine zat American girl like vhen you touch boob.

Slav: Now vee stuck in zis country, iz not land of opportunity! Iz no land of opportunity! American girl no like touch boob, American girl no like Beach Boy. American girl no like gold chain or track suit.

Melvis: Don't give up hope, Slav. Vee travel so far to zis country. Maybe vee doing wrong. Maybe girl like when you grab butt. Maybe girl like silver chain. Maybe girl like t-shirt vis American flag on zem.

Slav: I dunno, Melvis. Maybe vee try zis new strategy tomorrow. Tonight, I vant drink in misery.

Melvis: OK, Slav. But maybe I grab some vooman butt in zee meantime.

Melvis and Slav were lingering outside after the bar closed, so I decided to guard my female friends until they left. It took a while, but they eventually went away, presumably to sort through their belongings to see if they had any silver chains or American flag t-shirts.

As a result, I got to Wawa pretty late with my friends Adrienne and Dani. Most of the usual drunken crowd had already left, but there were only a couple people of interest in there. One was this chick who was with three other people. She was wearing tight, black pants, which showed off her great a**. She was incredibly lucky that Melvis wasn't there to grab it.

I ordered my sandwich and went to pay for it. There was a strange guy at the register. He was wearing a pink tie and unbuckled suspenders that were dangling on the floor. He drunkenly tried to adjust his suspenders repeatedly, but he couldn't reconnect him to his pants. He was so intoxicated that he had his eyes closed as he was speaking. He also had a lisp and took offense to the Wawa cashier laughing at him.

Suspenders Man: Thoppp maakiiin funnn of my acctthenntt jeeezztth chriitthh!!

I immediately saw this as a golden Jerks of the Week opportunity, so I started a conversation with him.

Me: Accent? Where are you from?

Suspenders Man: I'm from Brooklyn! I came to Philadelphia to be a hair thylist!

Me: How do you like it here?

Suspenders Man: I'm havin' trouble ordering thith! I want thome food!

Wawa Cashier: Sir, I keep trying to tell you, you need to go to the touch screen and order what you want.

Suspenders Man: Can you pleath justh get food for me!?

The Wawa employee behind the counter heard this. She immediately carried over a brick of cheese.

Wawa Employee: Here. You want food. Here's some cheese.

Suspenders Man: But I want thomething more than cheeth!

Wawa Employee: Do you want some vinegar on your cheese?

Suspenders Man: Yeth... I want thome vinegar...

The Wawa employee was clearly messing with him. He eventually received some sort of concoction. Meanwhile, Adrienne, Dani and I continued to collect Jerks of the Week material.

Adrienne: Where were you tonight?

Suspenders Man: I wath at work!

Adrienne: Work? This late?

Suspenders Man: Yeth! We had a party at work, and my bosth maketh a mean cocktail. I drank tho many of them!

Dani: What kind of cocktail?

Suspenders Man: It wath... I forget. Oh my God, oh my God, he told me tonight that I give the beth blow jobth ever!

Me: That's something to be proud of.

Suspenders Man: I'm having tho much trouble with my thuthpenderth. Can you pleath help me with them?

Me: Dude, I've never worn suspenders in my life. I don't know how to put them on.

Suspenders Man: Of courth, you haven't. You're a thraight boy. Come on, I'm gonna teach you.

Me: Ehh... I dunno.

Suspenders Man: Come on, when you learn how to put on thuthpenderth, you'll wear them all the time. You have no thtyle right now, but I'll thow you!

No style? No style!? I put on a nice dress shirt and Febrezed jeans. How can he say I have no style? Ugh. I'd dismiss it if it came from anyone else, but heterosexually challenged dudes know what they're talking about. It's like a regular dude telling another guy that he knows nothing about sports. Perhaps this is why the Hot Redheaded Chick didn't show up to Tango. Maybe she peered in, saw my outfit and decided that she didn't want to sexually assault anyone dressed like a bum.

At any rate, Suspenders Man finally roped me into buckling one of his suspenders. He wasn't budging, and both Dani and Adrienne were pressuring me into doing it. I tried buckling his left suspender strap, and it was actually pretty easy. I don't know why he was having so much trouble with it earlier, but Suspenders Man was very impressed with me.

Suspenders Man: Thee, I knew you could do it! You can wear thuthpenderth now!

Me: I don't know if it's my style.

Suspenders Man: You know, I'm thinking about it and I don't think it'th your thtyle either. But I would definitely thtill have thex with you.

Adrienne & Dani: What!?

Suspenders Man: Well, it'th true!

Me: Wow, I don't know what to say. I'm flattered.

Suspenders Man: Thee! You're a nith boy! Moth thraight guyth would be like, "Come on man, don't thay that!" or just be like "eww" but you're a nith boy!

Suspenders Man complimented me some more. I don't completely remember what he was saying because I was somewhat drunk myself, but I remember being happy. I needed some positive reinforcement after being stood up by the Hot Redheaded Chick - even if it was from a gay guy who allegedly gave great head.

At any rate, Suspenders Man repeatedly asked us if we wanted to come back to his house. My goal is to be raped by a hot woman, or an OK-looking chick, but there was no way I was getting sexually assaulted by a heterosexually challenged man. Dani and Adrienne, meanwhile, wanted to drive to Parx Casino for some strange reason, but decided that it was their civil duty to keep Suspenders Man from driving home. They decided that they would drop me off and then bring Suspenders Man to Parx, where they would ditch him if he got weird.

Adrienne and I got into Dani's car, while Dani drove Suspenders Man around. They dropped me off, so I went into my house, hopped on my computer and jotted down what happened that night so I wouldn't forget it the next morning.

The following day, Adrienne sent me a long Facebook message:

So by the time we got to your house, ridiculously drunk guy (his name is actually Rob we later found out) had passed out so Dani said that she'll just follow me to Parx and we'll figure things out there... when we parked at Parx she said that he was showing signs of alcohol poisoning...low pulse, shallow breathing, snoring so I stayed with his car (I was really cold but too scared to sit in the car lol) while she ran into Parx to see what we should do... she came back like 10 minutes later and she was on the phone explaining things to the dispatcher and they told her steps to check if he was okay...

Dani did something called a sternum rub and pinched him under the arm (I'm guessing that's stuff to do to wake them up) but he wouldn't budge, I even tried to lay him down in the seat since he was slumped over but it was like trying to move a dead person, he was like stiff lol... eventually 2 cops, an ambulance with 2 paramedics, and like 5 casino security guys were surrounding the car...

It took one of the cops a while but they finally got him to wake up and he got out of the car...he refused to go to the hospital, and told the cops it was his car... eventually the cops decided to drive him home and said that if the car leaves the parking lot before 7 am he's going to get arrested. Oh and apparently, he's had a previous DUI.



I can't say I'm very surprised, considering that Suspenders Man insisted on driving home before agreeing to go with Dani and Adrienne. It's just unfortunate for Suspenders Man that the cop who slapped him with the DUI wasn't gay. Otherwise, he could have just given him the alleged greatest blow job ever and gotten out of it.




More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 24, 2014: Too Many Cooks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 17, 2014: Halloween and Orange Juice
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 10, 2014: Dunkin Donuts
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 3, 2014: Kyoto and Japanese Food
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 27, 2014: Mario Lopez and Lily Adams
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Nov. 24


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 19


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


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