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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012




Jerks of the Week for Dec. 10, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding

One of my good friends, Injured Reserve, married his high school sweetheart Man Eaters last weekend. I was very happy to be a part of it. The two had been dating for seven years, so it was good to see them finally tie the knot. I also had a great time at their wedding, so it was an awesome weekend all around.

However, I managed to discover plenty of jerks to write about. I know you're all surprised. Me, finding jerks at an event? When has that ever happened? I know, I know. This is truly a rarity. Nonetheless, I have a full entry dedicated to the jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' wedding.


1. Caveman

Caveman is (or perhaps was after this entry) a friend of mine. I met him through Injured Reserve at a fantasy football draft one summer perhaps five years ago. We've since hung out at bars and parties. Though he constantly harasses me on Facebook about where I have his beloved Eagles in my NFL Power Rankings, I always considered him a cool dude.

Well, I received a call Thursday morning from Injured Reserve's brother, the Reverend (he is an actual reverend; he's been certified online), who asked me for Caveman's number because he had to "yell at him." I gave the Reverend his number and asked him what was up. The Reverend told me that Caveman informed him that he won't be attending the wedding because he didn't have a gift for Injured Reserve and Man Eaters.

So, he was going to miss out on his good friend's wedding because he couldn't come up with a gift? I mean, it sucks that he's having financial difficulty, but he could always give a present later. People do that all the time. Just buying them a card, apologizing for it and promising a gift later would have been fine. His spot was already paid for, so it would've been a dick move on his part not to go.

I assumed the Reverend talked Caveman into it, so I went about my day. The following night, I saw my friend Body Burner, a groomsman at the wedding, at Tango.

Body Burner: Did you hear that Caveman's not going to the wedding?

Me: Wait, I thought the Reverend was going to yell at him?

Body Burner: Well, he tried, but it didn't work.

Me: This is so stupid. He can't find 50 bucks to give them or something? He can't do that later in a couple of months? I don't get it.

Body Burner: Yeah, I don't know.

Me: Wait, didn't he just go on vacation to some island last week? How'd he pay for that?

Body Burner: Two weeks ago. And I have no idea.

Me: Wow... wow!

I texted Caveman immediately...

Me: Hey, I heard you're not going to the wedding tomorrow. Is this true?

Caveman: Yeah. I don't have a gift.

Me: So just give them one later.

Caveman: It's tough for me now. I'm supporting my family.

Me: But didn't you just go to some island on vacation?

Caveman: Yeah, but I didn't pay for it. And to be honest with you man, I don't think I need to discuss this with you. Good night.

OK, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Let's say he somehow didn't spend a single dime on this vacation - shouldn't his financial difficulty have prohibited him from going so he could work and make money? He could have worked for a week and A) used some of the money for a gift and B) used the rest of it to support his family. Something is missing here.

Oh, and what's with the sand in the vag at the very end? Of course he needed to discuss this with me. I was doing Jerks of the Week research, after all.

Caveman didn't make it to the wedding, but he at least qualified for Jerks of the Week as a consolation. That's something to be proud of.

So, the next time you don't have a gift for a wedding and are faced with the following three options...

A) Go to the wedding and give a gift later
B) Ditch your good friend and skip the wedding
C) Eat Cheetos and Oroes

...Make sure you pick A - but only after doing C. Because Cheetos and Oreos are awesome.







2. Napoleon Dynamite

The ceremony was great. It was right around the corner from my house, so it was nice that I didn't have to travel far because I get lost more than anyone - as you can read about in my Live Wedding Retro Blog. My parents bought my GPS thing, but I haven't opened the box yet because that seems complicated. Fortunately, I had my girlfriend Awesome Girl Who Loves Football there to help navigate using her iPhone.

We arrived early because it was close by. It's good that we were so prompt because it gave Body Burner enough time to fix my tie. I have no idea how to tie a tie. I'm fortunate enough to work in my pajamas, so I never had to learn. Not that I could learn. I mean, I don't even know how to boil water, for crying out loud.

Anyway, something written on the program at the ceremony caught my eye:

Cocktail "hour" is from 7:00-8:30. Come really hungry. Seriously. Like, build yourself a time machine and don't eat all last week. Or maybe do something useful with that time machine, like bet all your life savings on the Giants to win the 2007 Super Bowl. You're welcome.

I purposely refused to eat all day in anticipation of this cocktail hour. We arrived at the reception, and the cocktail hour was as good as advertised. There were about a dozen stations containing various foodstuffs. My favorite one had mini cheesesteaks, mini cheeseburgers and buffalo chicken. I had some of that, and then I ate a baked potato with cheese and bacon, and then some cheese and then some pizza and then some shrimp and then some lasagna and then more buffalo chicken NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

I'm pretty sure I tried food from every station - except for one. There was a table on one end of the room containing some sort of pasta. The server behind it looked exactly like Napoleon Dynamite, only with brown hair. He had the same long face and disinterested grin. I even asked several people if they thought he looked like Napoleon Dynamite, and they agreed.

However, there was something sinister about this version of Napoleon Dynamite. He seemed evil. No, really, he did. He was leering at people and looked like he had wicked intentions on his mind. If I had to guess, I think he wanted to kidnap some people, tie them up in his basement and force them to watch episodes of Mike and Molly, all while maniacally laughing, "Tee hee hee, my pretty, soon you will watch the entire series of this television show tee hee hee!!!"

As a result, no one approached his station. Not one person. I kept a lookout for this, and the closest anyone got to taking his food approached the table, perused the food on it and then walked briskly away once Napoleon Dynamite gave them a vile look.

It's a good thing no one ate any of Napoleon Dynamite's pasta - I have no doubt that he laced it with a strong sedative. Fortunately, no one fell for his ruse.


3. Helga and Leeks

I was given some alarming news toward the end of cocktail hour. I don't even know who informed me because I was too busy stuffing my face with food, but it went something like this:

Me: NOM NOM NOM NOM BUFFALO CHICKEN NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

Unknown Person: Hey Walt, are you going to have any room for dinner?

Me: NOM NOM NOM NOM BUFF... wait, what? Dinner? I thought this was dinner.

Unknown Person: Umm... no. There's a full dinner course and then dessert at midnight.

Me: Oh no, I've eaten so much food that I won't have room for dinner. What have I done? What have I done!?!??!?!

I was depressed for the following hour. I would've cried, but I ate too much to have any tears. We sat down and eventually a burly woman in her 40s approached our table and asked us what we wanted to eat. I heard her ask my girlfriend, "Would you like the red snapper, stuffed chicken or (something inaudible)."

I'd prefer not to eat fingers with red paint on them, so the stuffed chicken seemed preferable. But what was this mysterious third item on the menu? I discovered this when she took my order.

Burly Woman: Would you like the red snapper, stuffed chicken or Chateau Breesomething.

Me: I don't know what most of that means.

This drew some laughs from the table, as people are well aware of how ignorant I am.

Burly Woman: The red snapper is a fish, the stuffed chicken is stuffed with vegetables and the Chateau Breesomething is steak.

Me: Oh... I guess I'll have the stuffed chicken then.

Steak would usually be the preference, but I didn't trust anything that sounded French. Napoleon Dynamite - the original one; not the guy in the movies - was also French, so it's possible that the Napoleon Dynamite at this wedding laced the steak with poison. I wasn't going to take any chances.

About a half hour later, the burly woman brought out some soup. As she placed it down on the table, I had to ask...

Me: What is this?

Burly Woman: It's soup.

Me: Oh OK. But what kind of soup?

Burly Woman: Potato leek soup.

Me: What's that?

Burly Woman: Ugh.

She just said "ugh" and walked away. She was already fed up with me. Most people can tolerate my ignorance, but she apparently could not. That, or being a monstrous lesbian, she was jealous of my beautiful date. Perhaps both.

"I'm making her a Jerk of the Week," I announced to Awesome Girl Who Loves Football. She asked me what I would call her, but I was undecided at the time. I've decided on Helga. She just looked like a Helga. Most Helgas, I'm sure, are lesbian bodybuilders. She is definitely a lesbian bodybuilder in her spare time.

But back to the more pressing issue - what the hell was potato leek soup? I asked my friend Val, who clarified it for me.

Val: It's just a potato soup with leeks. It's good.

Me: Wait, with leeks? What the hell is a leek?

Val: It's the green stuff in the soup.

Me: Green stuff? Oh, I thought that was lettuce or celery.

Val: Walt. Really?

Me: Yeah. I thought by potato leek soup, they opened up a potato and leaked the potato juice into a bowl and then added celery and/or lettuce.

Val: He's all yours, Awesome Girl Who Loves Football.

Awesome Girl Who Loves Football: Yeah, I don't even know.

Much later, when the main course was served, Helga placed the stuffed chicken in front of Awesome Girl Who Loves Football. Helga then gave me the Chateau Breesomething. This confused me.

Me: Wait! I ordered the stuffed chicken!

Helga: No. I have you down for this.

Me: But I didn't even know what it was. Why would I order something I've never heard of before?

Helga: You tell me. Hmph.

Helga gave me a disgusted look and walked away. She obviously plotted with Napoleon Dynamite to poison me, so I ate only a little bit of the Chateau Breesomething. Hey, I don't want to watch Mike and Molly.





4. Dancing Enforcers

I had an amazing time with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football. Not only did she look stunning - you can see pictures of us on Facebook - but like me, she refused to dance.

I think it's great that we both hate dancing. For me, it's just too complicated. There's too much geometry and physics involved. Like, how far apart do your legs have to be? Where do you put your arms? At what angle should your knees bend? And that's just the geometry. The physics of dancing is much more frustrating to figure out. What force do you use to place your feet on the dance floor? What velocity do you use to move your legs? And what about your arms? Do they move as quickly as your legs? It's so complicated. Perhaps if I brought a calculator with me I could figure all of this out and attempt to dance, but I'd rather sit back and have a cold drink.

So, Awesome Girl Who Loves Football and I sat there, talked, drank and ate. All of this occurred, however, as at least two dozen people approached us and asked us why we weren't dancing. It was literally two dozen - perhaps more. They couldn't understand why we refused to go on the dance floor. Here's an example of how these exchanges went down:

Body Burner: Why aren't you guys dancing?

Awesome Girl Who Loves Football: I have to be super drunk to dance and I'm not there yet.

Me: Yeah me too because then I won't care about the geometry and physics of it.

Body Burner: Geometry and physics?

Me: Yeah like how far apart you put your feet and the force you use with your legs.

Body Burner: But you can just have fun dancing!

Me: Fun? Dancing's not fun! It's horrible!

Body Burner and the others just shook their head and walked back to the dance floor. There were a lot of people dancing, so I suppose they all excelled in physics and geometry back in high school.


5. Drunkest Girl Ever

One person who did not know what she was doing on the dance floor was someone I referred to as Drunkest Girl Ever. Let's rewind - right after I gave my order to Helga, I went to the bar to get a couple of beers for myself and my girlfriend. The bartender was talking to Drunkest Girl Ever, a short brunette.

Drunkest Girl Ever: Heeeyyy cannn I geeettt hic!

Bartender: No. You need a break.

Drunkest Girl Ever: Whaaaattt??? Whennennennn???

Bartender: Come back after you've eaten dinner.

I don't think I've ever seen anyone flagged by the bartender about an hour and a half into the wedding reception. It was ridiculous, but he was right in not serving her because she was so trashed. She did the most insane things. For instance, as the bride and groom were doing their first dance together, she dragged Body Burner's girlfriend to the dance floor for a slow dance. I'm not kidding. It was the bride, the groom, the rest of the bridal party and those two.

Drunkest Girl Ever tried to dance for most of the night, but failed miserably. During line dances (more on these next week), she was about 10 seconds late with her movements and constantly turned the wrong direction. When regular songs were on, she tried dancing with various people, who looked like they didn't enjoy her company. She stood near our table for 10 minutes and didn't say anything. She also ruined some of my sister's pictures by standing near the background.

But that doesn't compare to vomiting at a food station during cocktail hour and then interfering with the bride and groom as they were cutting the cake. As they were doing so, she ran up to the bride and asked for a picture with her. Again, I wish I were making this up.

Eventually, dessert was served. One of the things they had were Belgian Waffles. I love Belgian Waffles with vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup on top. I'm such a big fan that I didn't care that Napoleon Dynamite happened to be manning that station. As I approached him for some vanilla ice cream, he gave me an evil smirk and told me he'd be right back. Minutes later, Helga replaced him. "This could not end well," I thought to myself.

"Hi, I'd like some vanilla ice cream on my Belgian Waffle, please!" I told Helga. Unfortunately, Helga did not comply, instead putting the vanilla ice cream on the side of my waffle. I looked at her and wondered why she would do such a thing, but she just grinned menacingly at me and didn't say anything.

I walked away and joined Awesome Girl Who Loves Football at a table with pink champagne, which was delicious - my cousin would later call this an "orgasm in his mouth." We were just talking when Drunkest Girl Ever, who was still not being served at the bar, approached the champagne table. She reached for a glass and - SLAP!

An old woman caught her just in time and slapped her hand, denying her a chance to consume more alcohol. Drunkest Girl Ever walked away with a depressed expression on her face.

I actually felt bad for Drunkest Girl Ever. Think about it - she was definitely going to puke her brains out later that night, and she would then be reminded of how she attempted to ruin a wedding.

But the worst part is that she'll inevitably see videos of her trying to dance. She'll see how badly she screwed up the geometry and physics of her dancing, and this will ultimately lead to a life of shame. She'll have to lock herself in her house, where she won't be able to do anything besides eat bon-bons and watch reruns of Mike and Molly. At least she'll have a creepy guy there to accompany her.




More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 24, 2014: Too Many Cooks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 17, 2014: Halloween and Orange Juice
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 10, 2014: Dunkin Donuts
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 3, 2014: Kyoto and Japanese Food
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 27, 2014: Mario Lopez and Lily Adams
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




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2015 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 19


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


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