I just performed the following Google search: "WalterFootball Jerks of the Week Starbucks" in order to see if I've ever written about Starbucks before. Numerous results came back, but all of them fell under one of two categories:
Writing about the sorts of new-age hippie douche bags who frequent Starbucks and spend countless money on their mocha frappe happy lattes while composing crappy music or writing terrible poetry.
Making fun of the notorious Jerry Jackson and his butt-buddy Marco Manila for working there.
The point of my Google query was to see if I had ever ranted about Starbucks itself, and I apparently have not. This is not a surprise, as I seldom have a reason to enter one of those abominations. That's because I hate coffee. There, I said it. I hate coffee.
I imagine that 95 percent of you reading this are thinking, WTF, he doesn't like coffee? What the hell is wrong with him? Meanwhile, the other five percent are probably illiterate, because they'd probably be thinking the same thing. Though, I guess that begs the question why they're reading Jerks of the Week in the first place.
At any rate, everyone is thinking this right now because everyone drinks coffee. Everyone. I haven't met another adult who doesn't drink coffee. When I tell people I don't consume coffee, they look at me as if I were some sort of alien being who told them that I don't breathe oxygen.
I really don't get it. I've tried coffee multiple times. I'd say I've done so on half-a-dozen occasions. And I've thought it was horrible each attempt. I don't understand how people can drink it. It really is f***ing terrible. I've wanted to puke and/or brush my teeth every time I've tried it.
This is a typical exchange I've had with someone after I tell them I don't drink coffee:
Me: I don't drink coffee.
Someone Else: WHAT YOU DON'T WHY NOT DO YOU HAVE CANCER!?!?!?
Me: No, it sucks. It's disgusting.
Someone Else: Oh. Ha. You'll get used to it. It's an acquired taste.
Get used to it? Why would I get used to it? And why does everything have to be a f***ing acquired taste? I don't want to get used to something, and I don't want to acquire any f***ing tastes.
Instead of this acquiring tastes bulls***, why not drink something that actually tastes good, such as lemon iced tea, Pepsi or Dr. Pepper? All three of those beverages have caffeine, so why would anyone in their right mind prefer coffee over something that is actually delicious? It makes no sense to me. It's like if people suddenly began drinking vomit. Everyone would do it, and then there would be Starbucks-type establishments where they'd serve mocha frappe happy vomittees, and people would pay $10 for a grande and then paint crappy portraits. And then I'd have to explain to more idiots why I don't drink vomit. "Oh, you'll get used to it; it's an acquired taste," they'd say, and then I'd shove my foot up their a**hole.
OK, maybe that's a slight extreme, but it really isn't too far off. Coffee, as I said, is f***ing disgusting. Vomit is disgusting, too. Maybe it's more disgusting, but it's still in the same family of flavor. And believe me, those new-age hippie douche bags will try anything as long as they think it makes them look progressive.
Believe it or not, I was in Starbucks the other day. It's true. No, I didn't transform into a new-age hippie douche bag. OK, maybe I am a douche bag - you'll get no arguments from me about that - but I'll be damned if I turned into one of those new-age hippie losers. I'll be dead before I compose terrible music and draw horrible paintings.
The reason I ventured into Starbucks? I went to work out at LA Fitness, and my girlfriend asked me to pick up some sort of coffee-type thing for her after I was finished at the gym. Easy enough, right? I thought so until she texted me what she wanted:
"Can you get me a soy flat white?"
Uhh... a soy flat white what? Am I supposed to know what this is? Or is there a beverage called a white, and she wants the soy flat version of it? If so, there better be a beverage called a "black" or a "dark," because the Black Lives Matter movement will be all over it, shoving their misspelled signs in the faces of Starbucks employees. I actually hope they do this because anything that makes Jerry Jackson's life more difficult is a positive in my book.
Completely mystified, I walked into Starbucks, ready to embarrass myself because I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I felt like a foreigner who just entered a strange land.
"If new-age hippie douche bags can do this, so can I," I told myself in an attempt to build my self-confidence. It didn't work.
I looked up at the menu for some guidance. Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see a section of beverages for Whites or Blacks or Darks or Asians. Most of it was for coffee. There was a small area for iced tea, which I found disheartening because my girlfriend sometimes buys me lemon-flavored iced tea whenever she goes to Starbucks, and it's quite good. However, the only two iced teas they had listed were Green Tea Passionate Fruit and something similar. I figured I'd just ask the cashier if they had regular iced tea that someone normal would drink.
The cashier was some chubby Asian dude in his early 20s. He asked me what I wanted, and I read off the phone.
"Can I get a soy flat white...?"
I expected him to ask me some obscure Starbucks-esque question, such as "Would you like that in a moppe fratte latte happy?" To my utter shock, he did not. He just smiled and asked, "What size?"
A simple question, I thought.
"Umm... I don't know, it's for someone else, so I guess a medium," I replied.
He hesitated and looked perplexed.
Chubby Asian Cashier: Umm... OK, a grande then.
Me: Wait? No, I said medium.
Chubby Asian Cashier: It's a grande.
Me: No, can I have a medium?
Chubby Asian Cashier: It's a grande.
Me: I said medium, dude.
Chubby Asian Cashier: Grande is medium.
Me: No. Grande is large. I want a medium.
Chubby Asian Cashier: No, grande is a medium here.
Me: I don't understand. I want a medium.
Chubby Asian Cashier: I know. A medium-sized coffee is a grande at Starbucks.
Chubby Asian Cashier: So, you can have a grande, which is a medium. It's exactly what you asked for.
Me: I don't get it.
OK, I did get it at the very end, but I... actually, no I still don't get it. Grande means "large." I even Googled it. And I'm going to copy-paste it for proof. This is from SpanishCentral.com:
Look. It says that "grande" means large, big, tall or grand. NOWHERE IN THERE SAYS THAT IT MEANS MEDIUM. NOWHERE!!!
So, why is "grande" medium in Starbucks? Is this what the new-age hippie douche bags decided? They can't paint portraits that sell for more than $5.99, and they can't write music that doesn't make people's ears bleed, so they have to confuse normal individuals about beverage sizes? Is that it?
If you thought my troubles at Starbucks were over, well, you don't know me very well. My difficulties would continue because I thought it would be a good idea to order the iced tea my girlfriend always purchases for me.
The chubby Asian guy, trying his hardest to hold in his laughter, looked like he'd have to put forth more effort in that regard once we began discussing iced teas.
As noted earlier, I saw that they had two iced tea options on the menu. So, they were either concealing their other choices for some strange reason, or they stopped producing the lemon-flavored iced tea I so greatly enjoyed. Thus, my next question can be seen as quite reasonable:
"Do you have iced tea besides the two green teas on the menu?"
The chubby Asian cashier looked at me like I had two heads, then appeared as though he was about to burst out laughing. Well, excuse me, Mr. Big Shot, maybe I'd know which iced teas you had if they were on the f***ing menu!
"We have black tea, the green tea you mentioned, peach tea, passion tea..."
I held up my hand. "Let me stop you right there," I said. "I don't want to hear about any sort of iced teas that normal people don't drink like passion fruit. I just want lemon-flavored iced tea. Do you have that?"
He was about to die. He couldn't hold it in anymore, so he started laughing.
"No, we don't have lemon-flavored iced tea," he snorted.
Ugh. Why is this so funny? Isn't it reasonable to expect a place that sells iced tea to have lemon-flavored iced tea? Snapple's trademark iced tea is "Lemon Tea" for f***'s sake.
Some other employee, a short, brunette girl with pigtails, who would've been cute if she didn't look like she dunked her head into a box of makeup, overheard us and stepped in.
"We have lemonade iced tea," she said. "Do you want that?"
Lemonade iced tea? Maybe? I didn't know. It didn't sound quite right.
Me: Is that pretty much lemon-flavored iced tea?
Pigtails Girl: Not really. It's lemonade and iced tea. We also just have lemonade if you want that.
Me: Ehh... is the regular iced tea from before sweetened?
Pigtails Girl: No, and what regular iced tea?
Me: Is black iced tea regular?
Pigtails Girl: Ah... sure. Do you want that unsweetened?
Unsweetened? What do I look like, some communist? What sort of American drinks unsweetened iced tea? People who have defected from communist countries might do this if their former dictator hogged all of the sugar, but why would any non-diabetic American prefer unsweetened iced tea over sweetened iced tea? It would be like going to Best Buy and purchasing a TV, and the employee asking, "Do you want your TV to be colorless?" Uhh... no, because I'm a f***ng, non-diabetic American, moron.
I told her I wanted sweetened black iced tea, and that seemed to be it. I handed over my money to Chubby Asian Cashier, who continued to laugh. I laughed as well because the whole thing was ridiculous. I was clearly out of my element. It was like Kim Kardashian taking a college course. She'd fail with flying colors, and so did I.
Minutes later, Pigtails Girl handed me the two beverages. I took them out to the car and drove away. When I reached the first red light, I popped a straw into my sweetened black iced tea and took a swig.
It was f***ing horrible. I tried it again, and it wasn't any better. It was the most disgusting iced tea ever. It was so bad that I stopped in at CVS on the way home and purchased a bottle of Snapple lemon-flavor iced tea - i.e. a drink that didn't taste like puke.
When I came back home, I handed my girlfriend her White drink, and then frustratingly slammed my iced tea on the counter.
"What the hell is wrong with this!?" I shrieked.
She tried it, and replied, "This iced tea isn't sweetened."
Wow. After all that, they gave me something I told them I didn't want. You know, this wouldn't have happened if unsweetened iced tea wasn't an option. Why is it one? And why is sweetened iced tea not the default? You should have to go, "Hey, I'm a diabetic, can you not put sugar in my iced tea?" That actually makes sense. Why on Earth would anyone else choose a worse-tasting option? Going back to the Best Buy analogy, it would be like colorless TVs being the default, and you'd have to specify if you want a color TV. It's so completely stupid.
My girlfriend tried to remedy the situation by putting sugar into the iced tea, but that didn't work because there was suddenly too much sugar. Plus, there was no hint of lemon at all.
"For future reference," she said, "I always get you the lemonade iced tea."
Wow, I never would've guessed.
"And if it makes you feel any better," she continued, "My drink is perfect!"
That didn't help, and I was furious. My girlfriend then did make me feel better by reminding me that I had a Snapple.
Ah, thank the gods. I could enjoy a Snapple iced tea. You know, something that normal people actually drink.