JERK OF THE WEEK: A Racist, a Woman-Beater and a Horse - the Greatest Sports Day Ever
If you've been living under a rock, or if you've been unfortunate enough to have been trapped inside Rosie O'Donnell's stomach after she accidentally ate you, you may not be aware that we just experienced what the media and majority of people referred to as the "Greatest Sports Day Ever."
There was plenty for sports fans to get excited about on May 2. The day kicked off with Rounds 4-7 of the 2015 NFL Draft. At 6:30 p.m., the Kentucky Derby was set to run. This was followed by Game 7 of the Clippers-Spurs series, and the day culminated with the boxing match that fighting enthusiasts had been anticipating for half a decade: Manny Pacquiao versus Floyd "Woman Beater," erm, "Money" Mayweather.
ESPN, as you might expect, glorified this day. They shot their SportsCenter show live from Las Vegas, as if it really mattered where they broadcasted from. Each night at 6 p.m. Eastern, Lindsay Czarniak appeared on TV in some fancy-shmancy dress and squawked about how awesome this epic fight was going to be. I can't cite exactly what she said because I was too busy covering my ears so that they wouldn't bleed upon hearing her screeching, shrill voice. I still have nightmares about it.
Celebrities, of course, bought into this. Tom Brady took a jet to the Kentucky Derby and then flew over to Vegas to watch the fight. He appeared a bit less ridiculous than usual...
He still looked like a goofball, but it was a major improvement over last year's ensemble...
I'm not here to talk about Brady - for that, you can check out the Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts - but I'd rather discuss how much the "Greatest Sports Day Ever" sucked.
That's right. I said it. The "Greatest Sports Day Ever" sucked. I'm well aware that by voicing this opinion on the Internet, I put myself in danger of having masked ESPN employees come to my house, kidnap me and then torture me for days by having me listen to Czarniak break down highlights of every single game each night - a fate worse than death.
But even with that in mind, I'm not scared to go against the sort of consensus opinion that ESPN loves to brainwash its viewers with. In fact, I compiled a list of six reasons why the "Greatest Sports Day Ever" was overrated - and why everyone should have been aware that they were going to be greatly disappointed.
1. Day 3 of the NFL Draft is boring - OK, maybe it's not entirely boring - after all, we had Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend on national television a year ago. It was a great moment, though it obviously would have been better if, in the interest of fairness, they had two lesbian chicks kissing on TV immediately afterward. Oh, and these lesbian women had to be hot; they could not, under any circumstances, have hairy armpits or Justin Bieber lesbian-style haircuts. And maybe, I don't know, these hot lesbians could have begun stripping each other's clothes off. Just a thought.
Day 3 of the draft sucks in terms of how ESPN and NFL Network present it in conjunction with how the NFL operates it. The problem with the third day of the draft is that the selections are announced so quickly that the broadcasting partners fall behind almost instantly. They barely get any time to talk about the picks. They have to do them in bunches in between their meaningless interviews with various NFL coaches and general managers.
Here's the solution, though NFL commissioner Roger Goodell won't ever read this because he's too busy having people kiss the ring on his finger: Extend the NFL Draft to four days. Slow down the selections. Make each pick seem much more meaningful. Allow the ESPN and NFL Network analysts to discuss what each team should do before every draft choice. Have those same analysts grade every single pick like I did on my NFL Draft Grades page.
I think I speak for everyone when I say that we don't need more boring interviews with a confused-looking Tom Coughlin, or a Hawaiian shirt-wearing Andy Reid. The people watching Day 3 of the draft are hardcore fans. They don't care about cookie-cutter interviews or features on how great Mel Kiper's hair is, and quite frankly, it's an insult that ESPN makes its viewers flip over to ESPN2 halfway through. I permanently moved to NFL Network because I was so disgusted.
2. Hannah Davis - If you didn't read my live draft blog, you missed out me ranting and raving about how hot Hannah Davis is. I mentioned multiple times that I couldn't concentrate when her commercial popped up on TV. Here's one of them, if you haven't seen any yet...
In another article I published that weekend, I proclaimed Hannah Davis to be one of the five hottest women I've ever seen - you can tell how distracted I was - but I heard some terrible news about her that following Monday. Pardon the Interruption mentioned that it was her 25th birthday, and in doing so, they noted how lucky Derek Jeter is for dating her.
And that's when my infatuation with Hannah Davis came to an abrupt end. A friend of mine joked that Jeter gave her the "herp." I'm sure he gave her much more than that, as his collection of STDs has to be quite impressive. Any man who bangs Hannah Davis after Jeter will now need a Hazmat suit - though wearing one while having sex with her could still be worth it.
3. Horse Racing Sucks - I never get how people can bet on horse racing. I mean, if you're doing a $5 or $10 pool, that's fine, but there are individuals out there who attempt to make a living by betting on the ponies.
I think that's insane. Horses are dumb animals that s*** all over the place. They probably don't even know that they're in a race, so doesn't it seem stupid to wager hard-earned money on them? I bet enough cash on dumb mammals when I lose countless hundreds on NFL games, so I don't need to get into horse racing.
The actual horse-racing events suck, too. I never know which horse is which, and it's lame that the horses change every year. I feel like it would be better that if horse racing were like college sports; some horses could stick around for four years, so we could root for them for an extended period of time. The Kentucky Derby could also be conducted in a bracket format. Maybe four horses could race each other, and then another four, and another four, and so on, and then the winners battle the following weekend, or something.
I feel like that would be more exciting. I bet Brady would even buy into it. Maybe he'd even celebrate by donning a more eccentric outfit.
4. Boxing Sucks More - I never understood the point of boxing. Why does it matter who happens to be the best fighter in the world? Unless you plan on going to random bars and starting brawls, it has no application to real life. In fact, if you punch anyone, they could easily sue you, and then you'll be as broke as Mike Tyson.
Boxing made more sense years ago - back when a**hole lawyers weren't around. You could hit other dudes for the right to bang their women. Life was great back then. Unfortunately, things have changed, and our world is now run by new-age hippie douche bags who do nothing but sit on Twitter and just wait to find things that offend them. If we could put all of these f***tards on a rocket ship and blast it toward the sun, the world would be a better place. But nooooo... can't do that because scumbag lawyers won't allow it.
Being the best fighter just doesn't mean anything anymore. In fact, they could hold a competition for douchiest tweets posted in a 3-minute span, and it would hold more relevance to our everyday world. Imagine this match...
@hipsterlatte: @walterfootball wrote about Toby Gerhart hours after Peterson's son went 2 hospital. He's evil! Unfollow him!
@starbucksenthusiast: Someone on tv just refered to a Korean as "Asian!" Inappropriate! Spend all ur energy flaming him!"
Can we just send these a**hats to the sun already and be done with them?
Anyway, the other reason boxing sucks is that there is no clear-cut winner. We saw this last Saturday night. Pacquiao and Mayweather just danced around because the latter is a giant p***y, and no one was knocked out. Mayweather was declared the winner, but was he really victorious? If you say yes, then why? He didn't put Pacquiao on the ground. Boxing should be infinite rounds until someone goes down. Having judges score it makes it seem like other stupid, corrupt sports, such as diving and figure skating. Those "sports" at least can't be decided like boxing.
As far as I'm concerned, Pacquiao and Mayweather tied, and no one can convince me otherwise. The winners of the fight were those who didn't shell out $100 to watch it.
5. Floyd Mayweather is a Giant P***y - If you don't know the story behind Pacquiao and Mayweather, the latter refused to fight for years, always making excuses, because he was too scared to fight Pacquiao in his prime. Pacquiao, now old, isn't nearly as good as he once was. Thus, Mayweather finally agreed to the match.
As mentioned, Mayweather didn't even try to brawl with Pacquiao. He just danced around and avoided punches for most of the evening. Despite Pacquiao being old, Mayweather was scared for one simple reason: Pacquiao had a nut sack. It's true. Mayweather, for those of you who don't know, is a serial woman-beater. He didn't do it just once in an accidental, drunken rage; this is something he's guilty of quite frequently. If you have boobs and a vagina, and you're smaller than Mayweather - unlike those hairy-armpit lesbians I mentioned earlier - Mayweather will not be afraid to fight you.
(To be fair, while Mayweather would cower at the sight of hairy-armpit lesbians, I would too.)
Mayweather is black, so naturally, race-baiting tool Stephen A. Smith came to his defense, proclaiming anyone - even women - who bashed Mayweather for beating females was just "jealous."
If you're unfamiliar with Smith, consider yourself lucky. He's easily one of the worst human beings on the planet. He's horrific at his job, as I have never learned a single thing from reading one of his articles or hearing him rant incoherently on TV. In fact, when I was interning at the West Chester Daily Local 10 years ago, the editor there told me stories about Smith from when he used to work at the Philadelphia Inquirer. He said that he and his colleagues used to pray that Smith would send his articles in on time because they were so grammatically inept that it was nearly impossible to edit them in a limited amount of time.
ESPN now pays Smith $3 million a year, so I guess Smith, if he had the mental capacity to read an article like this, would call me a racist or accuse me of being jealous of him. I am neither racist nor jealous; I'm just flabbergasted that ESPN would effectively burn $3 million every single year to pay that moron. I understand that a big corporation like ESPN has to comply with certain quotas, and hiring mentally challenged individuals is a requirement; but there are other mentally challenged individuals more deserving of Smith's post, and I'm sure they would accept a lot less money.
ESPN, however, doesn't give two s***s about integrity. They promoted Pacquiao-Mayweather so heavily that I'm sure even the greatest boxing enthusiasts grew fatigued of their coverage. ESPN glorified both fighters, seldom mentioning that Mayweather loves to beat women for fun - even if it's in front of his very own children.
That wasn't part of ESPN's narrative, after all. If they stood to gain no profit from the fight, they would have discussed how much of a scumbag Mayweather is. But they were unwilling to do that because it affected the bottom line. So, instead of taking a noble stance against a disgusting human being, they allowed someone nearly as repulsive to interview Mayweather and then accuse good people of being jealous.
I'm beginning to think that ESPN employees should be on that rocket ship instead of douchey tweeters.
6. Stephen A. Smith is a Horrible Human Being - I need to stress this as much as possible. Stephen A. Smith needs to be the first person on that sun-bound rocket ship. He epitomizes everything that is wrong with humanity, so the world would be a better place without him.
If you didn't hear Smith's latest rant, look at this tweet of his:
"Lesean McCoy is saying nothing different from what I already told you before about feelings towards Chip Kelly."
Smith is referring to McCoy's opinion that Kelly is racist because he got rid of all the talented, black players on the Eagles.
Both Smith and McCoy are f***tards. Accusing someone of being racist is serious business, and if I were Kelly, I'd consider suing both of them. Smith and McCoy would have to come up with proof that Kelly is actually racist, so let's see...
Kelly got rid of DeSean Jackson, who is black, and then spent a first-round pick on receiver Nelson Agholor, who is black.
Kelly traded McCoy, who is black, but found a replacement running back in DeMarco Murray, who is black.
Kelly refused to pay Jeremy Maclin lots of money - he's black - but instead spent that cash on cornerback Byron Maxwell, who is black.
Yup, lots of racism going on there!
Smith is a race-baiting turd, and McCoy is learning from him. Smith, after all, is a great role model for the mentally limited, as they get to hear him on TV and eventually learn that for $3 million per year, they too can go on television and talk about how good people are either racist or jealous.
But this is the world we live in now - which is why we need to get that rocket fueled up as soon as possible.