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Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012




Jerks of the Week for Feb. 20, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials

There are many things I hate about ESPN. The unintelligent, grammatically challenged analysts whom they hire provide absolutely no insight. Their decision to ruin NFL Primetime, the best sports show on TV, was absolutely mind-boggling. And their insistence on hiding their "premium" content behind a pay wall called Insider is a sham.

My favorite aspect of ESPN is PTI, which airs daily at 5:30. One of the co-hosts, Michael Wilbon, had the following to say on Feb. 14: "Valentine's Day is for losers."

That might have been the best sentence ever spoken in the history of mankind. It was both unbelievably hilarious and undeniably true. Valentine's Day is for losers - because everyone loses on Valentine's Day.

Men lose on Valentine's Day because they have to spend billions of dollars on their wife, girlfriend, mistress, favorite prostitute, etc. Remember that Christmas bonus you received two months ago? Well, I hope you saved it because you'll be spending it all on the woman in your life.

Single men obviously get the shaft as well. For those desperate to find love, there's nothing more disheartening to see "happy" couples walking around everywhere. There is a reason why there are more suicides on Valentine's Day than any other day. I have no source for this; I know this to be factually correct in my head, so that's all that counts. Using sources is for fools, children and young girls. Tell that to your professor or teacher the next time they want you to cite something.

And yeah, there's always the prospect of meeting some chick desperate for a Valentine at the bar, but that usually ends up being some STD-ridden whore like Drunkest Woman Ever. Believe me, hooking up with Drunkest Woman Ever is not a good thing. Not that I've ever done it. I don't want it to hurt when I pee, and I don't want to develop some deadly disease like AIDS or herpes. That's no fun.

Popular belief is that the women are the big winners on Valentine's Day, but that's a load of crap. That might have been the case 40 years ago when TVs didn't exist, but with Kay Jewelers and Jared running commercials every five seconds, women can now see that their husbands, boyfriends and pimps don't live up to the farce that these companies manufacture. Oh, your husband doesn't pull earrings out of his a** and give them to you when you're moving boxes in your new home? That unromantic jerk. Divorce him immediately!

Kay Jewelers and Jared commercials are the reason why most marriages don't last very long nowadays. Most women want romance, and when they realize that their husband isn't the same ideal romantic depicted in those commercials, they stop putting out. Men need action, so when his wife stops having sex, he gets it from someone else. And since he's getting it from somewhere else, he doesn't need the wife anymore, and thus isn't interested in sex with her on the rare occasion that she is, so she then cheats on him as well. And thus, the marriage is over, and the kids, thinking it's all of their fault, grow up to be drug addicts, circus side-show freaks and loser artists who spend all of their money at Starbucks.

This is why I strive to make fun of awful jewelry commercials every Valentine's Day. Someone has to do it, and if I save even just one marriage as a result, it'll all be worth it.


Open Hearts Collection

Who is this Jane Seymour hag, and why does she get her own Kay commercial? And more importantly, has anyone ever bought her terrible jewelry design? I don't see how that looks like an "open heart." And who wants to wear an open heart, anyway? There are blood vessels and arteries and other red things in an open heart. That stuff doesn't sound romantic to me.

Jane Seymour's design looks like some sort of letter "Z" anyway. Since there's no reason why anyone would ever buy this crap jewelry, I'm beginning to think that Jane Seymour is in league with Emperor Zarlox. That's right - Z stands for Zarlox.

For those of you who do not know who Emperor Zarlox is, he's a religious icon in Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual history. Per their ancient tablets, Emperor Zarlox came to Earth 15,000 years ago and created everything. Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals believe that Zarlox will come back to Earth in another 15,000 years to take his "children and hamsters" home, where all of his children will be able to freely pleasure themselves in their anal crevasses with the hamsters.

And now it becomes obvious - Jane Seymour is a Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual. How did no one see this before? And more importantly, how does no one recognize that she worships Emperor Zarlox? Do you want to be forced to shove a hamster up your rear end (not that there's anything wrong with that)? No, of course not. That's why Jane Seymour needs to be stopped.

So, how do we do this? My idea is to submit my own jewelry design to Kay. If they like my design, they'll hire me and fire Jane Seymour, and then no one will have to anally pleasure themselves with hamsters.

Unfortunately, it can be difficult to think of a design. I'm not an artsy-fartsy downtown-living douche bag, so these things just don't pop into my head. I had to watch that YouTube video close to 100 times to get any sort of idea.

But then it just came to me - Jane Seymour has a weird accent, so when she says "open-heart collection," she pronounces it, "open-haht collection." After listening to her voice 100 times, it began sounding like she was saying, "open-faht collection," as in an open-fart collection.

That's it! I will design my own line of open-fart collections and send them to Kay. Here's my preliminary drawing:



I understand that this is a work in progress, but seriously, what woman wouldn't want to wear one of my open-fart collection necklaces or bracelets? Once Kay sees my Open Farts, Jane Seymour will be out of business, and we won't have to stuff hamsters into our rear ends to appease Emperor Zarlox. Everyone wins.





He Went to Jared Snob

I don't think I've ever made fun of the "He Went to Jared" commercials, but it's about time I do so.

What the hell is this woman doing? She's at some party, and all she's doing is running around, pointing at jewelry and asking these women where they got it from. Who does that? Why would anyone be that obsessed with jewelry? They're just sparkly rocks. I mean, sure, thousands of unfortunate Africans had to die while mining them, but that doesn't matter to this gold-digging tramp, who wants something from Jared no matter what.

I host parties about once every two months, and I would ban any girl who ran around, screeching, "Oooh, oooh, I love this!" Well, unless the girl was hot, of course.

Come to think of it, I'm a bit of a hypocrite, since I've done something similar at parties.

Me: Oooh, oooh, where'd you get that?

Random Person 1: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? They just put them out on the dining room table.

Me: Oooh, oooh, I love this!

Random Person 2: The mini-hot dogs? I got them when my girlfriend went to the dining room.

Me: Oooh, oooh, can I have some of those?

Random Person 3: No, you can't have my cookies. I got them from the...

Me: Dining room... of course you did.

The one thing I don't get about this commercial is how this woman's husband didn't kill himself already. Just listen to his voice, "Oh hi, hoooooonnnnneyy... hah... hah... hah..." He clearly knows that his tramp wife is going to do something crazy, like toss something into his drink or poison his dinner because he didn't buy any of Jared's overpriced, crappy jewelry.

Remember when I said that Valentine's Day had the highest suicide rate? Well, it has the highest homicide rate too. Look it up if you're a fool, a child or a young girl.





Kay Military Commercial

People have various issues with this commercial. The person who posted this video on YouTube complained, "The most exploitative commercial... Kay does nothing for our soldiers or their families. As a child who saw his mother go off to war many times, I know the stress this actually causes. The worry, the lack of understanding..."

A more amusing comment: "You might find this creepy... but every time I see this commercial I keep seeing the dad tell the son, "Now stick your TOUNGE DOWN YOUR MOTHERS THROAT!! FOR ME!! Like I taught you!!"

That's not creepy; that's just unrealistic. This son is the dad's alleged "wing man." Wing men don't stick their tongue down their bro's girl's throat. That totally violates the Bro Code.

My biggest problem with this ad? Look at the husband's face. Notice anything weird? I did right away - he's wearing lipstick!

No one's lips are that red naturally. The only way they can get that red is if A) you eat red candy or B) you put on lipstick. And since they haven't invented red candy in Iraq or Afghanistan yet, logic states that this man smeared lipstick all over his lips.

But why is this man wearing lipstick? And more importantly, what was he doing before his wife called? Hmm...

Lieutenant: General Lipstick, sir! We are approaching the enemy. What are your orders, sir?

General Lipstick: Jeeezztthh Chriiitthhh we're goonnna like attack Thwitherland jeezztth chriitthh!

Lieutenant: Sir, are you sure Switzerland is the enemy? I thought we were fighting the Middle Easterners, sir?

General Lipstick: Jeezzth Chriiithh why are you like always quethoning my orderth jeezth chriith?

Lieutenant: I'm sorry, sir. What is the plan for invading Switzerland, sir?

General Lipstick: I'm going to meet with like the king of Thwitherland and oohh jeezzth, ooooooohhhh jeeezzth we're gonna have like a hot date and thtuff!!!

Lieutenant: I don't understand sir... Sir! Your wife is on the line. She wishes to talk to you immediately!

General Lipstick: Ohhhh jeezzthh...

Lieutenant: I'm putting her through now, sir.

Wife: William! I miss you so much! I... wait... is that lipstick on your face? Are you wearing lipstick?

General Lipstick: Noooo jeeezzzth chriiithh how many times do I have to like tell yewwww, it's like cherry Toothie Popth!

Wife: I didn't think the Iraqis invented cherry Tootsie Pops yet.

General Lipstick: No, I like brought thome over, jeezth chriiitthh!

Wife: Oh, OK, that makes sense. Yeah, what was I thinking? It's not like you're going off to war and whoring yourself out to foreign dignitaries or anything.

General Lipstick: Ohhhh jeeeeeeztthh! Ohhhhhhhh jeeeeezzzzthhhh!!!

Wife: William, I love the present you got for me for Valentine's Day. It's so beautiful. Well, I won't keep you. I hope you win the war by beating the enemies' butts in!

General Lipstick: Ooh jeezthhh...

Lieutenant: General Lipstick, I just received a message from the King of Switzerland. King Cheese Hole has informed us that he has made dinner reservations, and that he's expecting "your cute hinny" there at 8 o'clock, sharp.

General Lipstick: Oh... my... God... like tho nervoth!!! Like thooooo nervoth!!!

Lieutenant: Sir, I just noticed that you smeared your lipstick on the computer screen. I'll get more lipstick, and then we'll fit you into your new dress!

(Not that there's anything wrong with any of this.)

The one other thing I don't understand about this commercial is how the son picked out that piece of jewelry for his dad. How did the son pay for it? Did his dad leave him money and ask him to go buy something? And if so, isn't it a bit convenient that he purchased one of that dreaded woman's Open Heart things?

It's now quite apparent what's going on here. Think about it - the Open Heart jewelry, the lip stick... the dad and son are both Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals, and they are supporting the Open Heart collection to appease Emperor Zarlox.

That leads me to believe that the King of Switzerland is a hamster. Hmm... no wonder that country's so small.

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Seema 01-03-2014 05:17 am xxx.xxx.xxx1.66 (total posts: 1)
1     1

Its like you read my mind! You appear to know a lot about this, like you wrote the book in it or soihtemng. I think that you could do with a few pics to drive the message home a little bit, but instead of that, this is magnificent blog. An excellent read. I will certainly be back.
red bubble blob 02-21-2012 03:18 am xxx.xxx.xxx.170 (total posts: 1)
16     24

this was a very entertaining jotw my body hurts from laughing at this. The hamsters and jezzith chrith made rotfl
Just Sayin' 02-21-2012 02:32 am xxx.xxx.xxx.165 (total posts: 1)
48     30

If you were gettin' any, you wouldn't need to rant about it. learn how to talk to girls.
Deus Ex 02-21-2012 12:48 am xxx.xxx.xxx7.30 (total posts: 1)
17     10

meh...

your open fart looks more like an infected bleeding vag.

just sayin'
@walt 02-20-2012 04:50 pm xxx.xxx.xxx5.34 (total posts: 2)
117     17

i bet if you threw a picture of a paper towel on here these tools would think it was hilarious
steve 02-20-2012 04:49 pm xxx.xxx.xxx3.17 (total posts: 1)
20     15

i bought a bird feeder for my gf this year. some how im still not single
Lame 02-20-2012 04:49 pm xxx.xxx.xxx5.34 (total posts: 2)
157     18

I stopped reading after you brought up the half korean thing again. stupid, not funny.
MOUF 02-20-2012 04:09 pm xxx.xxx.xxx.125 (total posts: 1)
18     17

this was actually funny, nicely done.

.. also, just dont wife or date a worthless pile that thinks they need some dimaond mined on the backs of dead children, there are a lot of worthless women out there, if you havent found one of value, considering changing where you are looking
Neil 02-20-2012 09:43 am xxx.xxx.xxx8.96 (total posts: 1)
20     24

Best JOTW I can remember, Walt...Had me ROTF!
Bas 02-20-2012 04:43 am xxx.xxx.xxx.236 (total posts: 1)
16     15

The open fart collection. Genius! hahaha
Simon 02-20-2012 02:58 am xxx.xxx.xxx5.91 (total posts: 1)
22     12

I laughed so hard at this. Those Commercials are the worst ever. Thank you for making my monday better!



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Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Free Agents - April 19


2015 NFL Mock Draft - April 17


2014 NFL Mock Draft - April 16


Fantasy Football Rankings - March 28


2014 NBA Mock Draft - March 26


NFL Picks - Feb. 2





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