My friend Adrienne hosted a party last Saturday. It was a good time, particularly because I found three jerks to make fun of:
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever
I love playing beer pong. Aside from hitting on random girls, it's what I look forward to most at parties. I used to consider myself a great beer pong player back when I used to play four nights a week at college, but now that I'm more than four years out of school, I'm past my prime.
Having said that, I'm proud to say that I participated in what could be the longest game in beer pong history. Not that I cared all too much; I'm just naming this a Jerk of the Week because the people who were next on the list wouldn't stop complaining. So, my beer pong partner, our two opponents and I are the jerks here.
This game of beer pong began around 12:30. When it was all over, it was 1:45. We were not playing on a long table, we only went into one overtime, and no - we did not play blindfolded.
Did all four of us just suck? Maybe. But we were outside and it was windy as hell. Heavy gusts were blowing the balls everywhere. Forum member Injured Reserve (my beer pong partner) and I had the wind at our back, so our shots sailed way over the table. The other team had to go up against this wall of wind that just stopped their balls in mid-air.
All of this would have been frustrating, except the guy we were going against was incoherently drunk and incredibly amusing. I'll call him Drunk Beer Pong Player because I didn't catch his name. Here are the highlights:
Drunk Beer Pong Player's original partner was his girlfriend. He used his girlfriend's cleavage to distract his previous opponents. The team he beat was on a roll prior to their matchup, but those two guys apparently had never seen a pair of breasts before because as soon as Drunk Beer Pong Player's girlfriend started showing off her cleavage, they got really tense and started missing everything.
Drunk Beer Pong Player did not have his girlfriend (let's call her Cleavage Woman) available against us. Cleavage Woman passed out in the grass. Ten minutes later she inexplicably disappeared.
Upon noticing this, Injured Reserve hilariously commented, "I think his girlfriend blew away in the wind."
Injured Reserve's girlfriend Kate took over as Drunk Beer Pong Player's partner. In addition to trying to sink a ping pong ball into a cup amid 30-mph winds, she was tasked with keeping Drunk Beer Pong Player standing up straight. He was swaying from side to side, and appeared as though he would collapse at any moment.
Of course, Injured Reserve and I were hoping this would happen, because if he fell down and knocked over all of the cups, we would have won automatically.
Kate also had to make sure Drunk Beer Pong Player was shooting the ball the correct direction. On one shot, Drunk Beer Pong Player, who seemingly had his eyes closed, was aiming to the right of the table, so Kate positioned him to aim at the cups. This did not help because the ball still sailed wide right.
"That's not where I aimed your arm!" Kate yelled.
Unfortunately for her, Drunk Beer Pong Player didn't seem to know what was going on.
Despite Drunk Beer Pong Player's inebriated condition, he was pretty hilarious. After what appeared to be his 20th miss in a row, he yelled, "It's like Mel Gibson said, 'Never give up, never surrender!'"
Injured Reserve quickly replied, "Dude, that was Tim Allen in Galaxy Quest."
Injured Reserve had a t-shirt that said "Rowan" on it (his college). Drunk Beer Pong Player noticed this and yelled, "This guy's name is Rowand! It says Rowand on his shirt!"
Injured Reserve looked down at his shirt to make sure, and then replied, "There's no 'D!' It's not "Rowand;" it's "Rowan!"
Injured Reserve explained that he attends Rowan, but this didn't stop Drunk Beer Pong Player from asking, "Dude what does Rowand mean?" or "What kind of a name is Rowand?" every five minutes.
I was wearing a blue Hollister t-shirt with some sort of seagull on it (not that there's anything wrong with that.) Drunk Beer Pong Player saw this, and called me "American Eagle." When he was informed that it was indeed a Hollister shirt, he called me a thief for stealing American Eagle's eagle. You can't make this stuff up.
At random moments, Drunk Beer Pong Player would incoherently shout, "Where's my girlfriend! We need her cleavage to stop them!" I guess he didn't notice that neither team was making any shots.
In one instance, Drunk Beer Pong Player asked Injured Reserve if he knew where "the elves lived." That question was completely random, and it made me wonder if Drunk Beer Pong Player's liver exploded later that night.
There was a hot chick in a pink shirt standing next to me, as seen in this picture here (that's me in the blue on the right; Drunk Beer Pong Player is behind the blond girl, Kate, on the left.) Before the girl in the pink wandered off, she playfully poked me in my back, which flared up my back spasms. I told you, I'm past my prime.
Injured Reserve just reminded me of this: "One disgusting girl thought that flashing her cleavage at us was distracting. I guess wanting them to be put away was a tad distracting after all."
Yeesh. I guess I blocked that part out of my mind.
If all of this craziness wasn't enough, a couple was having sex on a trampoline around the corner behind the table.
Injured Reserve and I somehow sank back-to-back shots in overtime after about 75 minutes of playing.
I was tired, my back was hurting, and my eyes were sore from looking at terrible cleavage. But it still was a damn good time.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Fantasy Football Gangsta
While the party was fun, there were a couple of shady people there, including one guy I dubbed Fantasy Football Gangsta.
Injured Reserve, Kate and I were talking about the fantasy teams in our league (I'm currently 3-1). Injured Reserve said something about Matt Schaub, when this dude with a pair of earrings quickly interjected, "Yoz, I got Matt Schaubs as my backupz!"
Matt Schaub as a backup? How is one of the top quarterbacks in the league his fantasy backup? Is he in a four-team league or something? Schaub was generally drafted in the fourth round this year, meaning Fantasy Football Gangsta would have drafted two quarterbacks in the first four rounds - and that's something Bo-Bo (the worst fantasy football player in the world) wouldn't even do.
Fantasy Football Gangsta approached us. I was disgusted at the time because I didn't want to hear any of this fake thug's nonsense, but he gave me enough ammo to make him a Jerk of the Week, so I guess it all worked out in the end.
At any rate, here's how our conversation went down:
Fantasy Football Gangsta: Matt Schaub is my backup, and Drew Brees is my starta yo. I gotz him in Round 3!
Me: That's pretty good.
Fantasy Football Gangsta: And Wes Welka was my second-round pick, dogg.
Injured Reserve: Wes Welker!?
Me: Really? Aren't you concerned about his knee at all?
Fantasy Football Gangsta: Wes Welka put up points dogg. And guess what? I got da New York Jet defense in Round 1, yo.
Me: Haha, yeah right. That reminds me of one time back in 2001. I was in a fantasy league with this guy who had the No. 1 pick and took the Tampa Bay defense because "defense wins championships."
*** This was a true story. Everyone in the room just froze for five minutes. We decided we couldn't allow this fantasy rookie to make such a stupid pick, so he took Marshall Faulk instead. I was pissed because I had the second pick and wanted Faulk for myself. ***
Fantasy Football Gangsta: Yee, dat's zactly what I'm sayin. Defense win championship yo.
Injured Reserve: Wait, you were being serious?
Fantasy Football Gangsta: Jet defense put up lotta points for me, dogg. I wuz thinkin' bout takin Arian Foster but I grabbed the Jet defense just to be safe.
Wow. How can someone so incompetent be allowed to play fantasy football? There should be rules against this. If you can't speak English, think you're a thug, and resort to using words like "yo" and "dogg" in each of your sentences, you should be banished from playing fantasy football all together.
It is important, after all, that Bo-Bo keeps his title as the worst fantasy football player in the world. Someone who selected Trent Edwards in the sixth round last year cannot, under any circumstances, take a backseat to anyone else - especially to some fake white gangster who lives in the basement of his mom's suburban home.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Alcohol Thieves
I brought over a semi-expensive bottle of vodka to the party. I also bought two cases of beers. What can I say, I'm a borderline alcoholic.
*** Note: If you're an advertiser, I'm kidding about this. I'm not an alcoholic. Please don't pull out your campaigns. I need the money to buy more alcohol. Whoops, I didn't mean to say that! ***
I left the party at 2:30 because I had to wake up at 10 on Sunday morning to get ready for football. As I was buying a bacon-egg-and-cheese hoagie at Wawa (nom nom nom nom), I received a text from Adrienne asking if I took home the bottle of vodka I brought over to the party. When I told her I didn't, she said that she didn't think I did that, but was just making sure because someone stole that bottle of vodka along with a case of beer.
What cheap a**hole would steal alcohol from a party? Seriously, just buy your own. A case of beer is $20. A bottle of vodka is only slightly more. Don't be a douche and steal from other people.
This got me thinking though - who could have possibly stolen the vodka and beer? Using my cunning detective skills, I've compiled a suspect list:
Drunk Beer Pong Player: We've ruled this guy out because Adrienne's friend (the aforementioned hot chick in the pink shirt) was this guy's ride. So, unless he stole her keys, carried the alcohol out to her car and was able to retrieve the alcohol later without her knowledge, he's innocent. Then again, he was talking about elves by the end of the night, so maybe he had his elven friends steal the vodka and beer.
Couple on the Trampoline: As mentioned earlier, two people were having sex on the trampoline. Or so we thought. Perhaps this was all a diversion. When we were alerted of this, perhaps a third sex partner ran to the alcohol and stole it as we were checking out what was happening on the trampoline. Let this be a lesson to all of you - if a couple is having sex on a trampoline, there's a good chance that something will be stolen.
Two Hot Girls: I was talking to this hot chick for a while at the party. After she left and told me to add her as a friend on Facebook (oh yeah, that's how I roll), I asked Adrienne if she had any inside info for me.
"She has a boyfriend," Adrienne said.
Ugh. Anyway, moving forward two hours later, I played one last beer pong game after the Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever. One of my opponents was this hot red-head. I didn't get to talk to her much, but she was giving me some sort of look the whole time. Maybe I was drunk and just imagining things, but I swear she was into me.
So, I asked Adrienne what her deal was.
"She has a boyfriend," Adrienne said.
Oh, come on!
I think we can all agree that the world would be a better place if all women wore a sign that either said "available" or "unavailable." That way, we wouldn't waste our time or anything. Women may argue that this is unfair, and to that I say that all men should have to wear these signs as well.
All men, that is, except for me. I came up with the idea, after all. Muhahahaha.
What does this have to do with the missing alcohol? I'm not quite sure yet.
Fantasy Football Gangsta: "Yoz, I talk like a gansta, why do errbody think I'm not a gangsta? I'ma show errbody how much of a gangsta I is by stillin diz vodka and beer, and drinkin' it in my parents' house which located in the suburbs, dogg."
Me: I'd like to nominate myself as a suspect. In this world, you can't trust anyone. Not even yourself.
Look, I've seen way too many mysteries to know how this turns out. SPOILERS ALERT: On Harper's Island the secondary protagonist, the groom, was the killer. In the great movie Clue, the butler wasn't really the butler; he was the person who framed everyone. And in Star Wars, Darth Vader was Luke's dad.
If all of these things can happen, why couldn't I have been the person to steal the alcohol? No one would ever suspect the person trying to solve the case. Maybe that's why this mystery hasn't been solved yet.
So, what's the motive? Why would I steal my own alcohol? If you're asking this, you clearly haven't been paying any attention. I gave myself away in the opening paragraph:
"What can I say, I'm a borderline alcoholic."
Losing Beer Pong Team: I didn't do it. But here are my prime suspects. These two young gentlemen were so flustered by Cleavage Woman's cleavage, that they may have stolen the alcohol accidentally without realizing it.
Here's how the conversation went down:
"Jeepers, what were those round contraptions on that female's chest?"
"Golly, gee whiz, I have no idea but my wee-wee is hard."
"My wee-wee is hard too!"
"Wait, what are we doing carrying this alcohol out to our car?"
"I don't know! I'm not even sure how it got into my hands!"
If my Colts draft anyone besides Dalvin Cook 1st Round I might personally fly down to Indianapolis and tear Ryan Grigson's balls off outside that this may be the best mock i've seen yet and I completely agree with the Garopolo trade