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Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011




Jerks of the Week for March 28, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Hewlett-Packard

Hewlett-Packard computers have worked really well for me over the years. I've had two laptops (including the one I'm currently using) and a desktop all made by HP, and they've held up pretty well despite the fact that I've left them on 24-7, used them constantly and downloaded millions of gigabytes of porn onto them. I always thought that if the entire world were nuked, three things would survive - cockroaches, Dick Clark and my HP computers.

Unfortunately, I discovered that the monitor on my current HP laptop isn't very robust. I was perusing Twitter on Wednesday afternoon, when my screen suddenly went dark. I tried restarting my computer and increasing the brightness, but nothing happened. I could barely see anything on the screen; it was extremely dim, and I had to use a flashlight to save the documents I had open.

After making some calls and hooking up my laptop to an external monitor, I learned that my laptop needed a new inverter. I looked for one on the HP.com Web site, but couldn't find it. I then Googled it, and found this.

Forty bucks? That's not so bad. I was about to order it, but thought that I should read some reviews of the site first. I Googled "batterycentury.com reviews" and all of this negative crap came up. Dozens of people complained about the site, stating that they waited a month for their product before canceling their order. Some said that the phone number on the site constantly went to voicemail. Others noted that they tried e-mailing the site, but received an ambiguous e-mail from some woman named Cathy in Hong Kong, like this one:

Hi,

Thank you for your kind cooperation.
We are sorry we are lack of this item in our stock now.
Would you be able to wait for 12-15days?
Waiting for your reply.

Regards & Best Wishes!
Cathy


"We are lack of this item?" I'm beginning to think there's no Cathy. Instead, it's probably some Chinese criminal named Hung Wang who sells 12-year-old prostitutes as a side business.

This scared me, so I went back to the HP.com site. I searched again for an inverter, but still couldn't find one. So, I decided to contact customer services. I called the number, and as the phone rang, I prayed, "Please don't be a foreigner, please don't be a foreigner..."

My wishes weren't answered. The HP consultant was some Indian guy. Normally, Indian people are smart, but this guy was completely incompetent. I told him my problem, and he asked me to hold on for 10 minutes. Here was our conversation when he returned. You'll quickly be able to tell why he wasn't able to become a doctor:

Indian Guy: Hi, you can send your laptop in for syavice. We will fix and send back to you.

Me: See, that's the problem. I need my laptop because it's my work computer. I can't afford to send it away because all of my software and documents are on it. I was wondering if I could just buy the inverter from you guys so I could install it myself.

Indian Guy: Hold on for one second please.

*** Five minutes later ***

Indian Guy: Hi, can you please provide for me your model number please?

*** I gave him the model number. ***

Indian Guy: Let me make sure I have this correct. 3 - B as in Boy - V as in veckel - 8 - 2 - 4 - V as in veckel - X as in x-ray - Y as in Yahnkee - Q as in qveen.

V as in veckel? What the hell is a veckel?

Me: No. There are no V's. They're both E's.

Indian Guy: 3 - B as in Boy - E as in veckel...

What the f*** is a veckel!?!?!?

Me: No. No veckel. It's an E. E as in echo.

Indian Guy: E as in eckel...

Me: OK, fine. E as in eckel.

It would later dawn on me that this guy was actually saying "E as in echo," but his accent was so messed up that it sounded like "veckel" or "eckel."

Once he finally took down my correct model number, he asked me to hold on for a couple of minutes again.

Indian Guy: Hi, sorry to keep you vaiting, you can send your laptop in for syavice. We will fix and send back to you.

Me: No. I can't do that. Like I said before, I need my laptop. Can't I just buy the inverter from you?

Indian Guy: Ve do not sell the part separately but if you send in your laptop for syavice we will send back to you.

Me: Ugh. I can't do that. Why can't I just buy the part? It's only $40 on another site.

Indian Guy: If you want you can take to Best Buy or Stayples and they will send it out for syavice.

Me: But that's the same thing as sending it out to you.

Indian Guy: If you want you can buy new laptop, same model for $400.

Me: Ugh. No. Look, are you sure I can't just buy an inverter from you? What about a monitor? Can I buy a laptop monitor?

Indian Guy: No, we don't sell laptop monitor separately. If you want, you can buy same model laptop for $400.

I hung up the phone. I just couldn't take it anymore. After that horrifying conversation with the HP Indian Guy, I was almost ready to take my chances with Hung Wang.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Rebecca Black

If you haven't heard of Rebecca Black, you've been living under a rock. The 13-year-old is a YouTube star. Her music video Friday has generated 47 million views in almost two months.

Unfortunately for Rebecca, her song isn't garnering so much attention because it's great. It's actually really terrible. There are more than 700,000 dislikes compared to only 85,000 likes. In fact, her song is so bad that she actually received e-mails that said, "I hope you cut yourself and die."

Not to pile on - OK, I am piling on because I like to ridicule people - but here are some dumb things I've noticed from her video:

  1. Have driving laws changed? Why are a bunch of acne-ridden, braces-wearing pre-teens driving a car? Are there no cops in this town?

  2. The guy in the front - his haircut doesn't allow him to see anything. Seriously, his hair is covering his eyes. I guess if you're driving illegally, you might as well essentially be blindfolded , right?

  3. The kid in the back seat is a sissy. Look at how skinny his arms are.

  4. Every girl in the first car has an ugly mole on their face. Ewwwwwwww.

  5. Which seat can you take? Umm... how about the only seat available? Or, you can just sit on top of the car since you're bound to get pulled over anyway.

  6. Rebecca took my suggestion in her next scene, where she and her two friends (actually, one friend) are sitting on top of the car "cruising on the highway." Umm... are you trying to get yourself killed and/or thrown into a juvenile detention center?

  7. "My friend is by my right." What about the other ugly chick wearing braces to your left? Is she not your friend? I sense a catfight coming.

  8. I nearly suffered a seizure between the 2:06 and 2:26 mark of the video. Do you really need the intense, nosebleed-inducing strobe lighting?

  9. "Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday. Today is Friday, Friday ... Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwaaaards." Ah, so that's why my second-grade teacher gave me an F on that one test. Sunday comes after Saturday; not the other way around. Stupid! Stupid!!!

  10. About the random rapper:

    A) Is it just me, or is it a tad creepy that a grown man is a guest star in this 13-year-old's music video?

    B) Where is the rapper driving to? As a person on YouTube wrote, "The black guy is driving to the party to rape all the girls!"

    C) Even if you're trying to make a name for yourself, you have to be pretty desperate to agree to be featured in a little girl's music video. I really hope for his sake that he's a friend of the family or something.

    D) Did you really need to check your watch to make sure that it's Friday?

    E) Congrats on being the worst rapper alive! "Check my time it's Friday. It's the weekend. We gonna have fun, come on, come on, y'all!" It's almost as if he's trying out for the next PaRappa the Rapper.

Just by listening to the dumb lyrics of Rebecca's song, you can tell that she's just a kid. If she were in college, her song would be called Thursday (as in thirsty Thursday).

If I wrote the song while at Penn State, it would be called Tuesday. When I was in college - particularly during my fifth and sixth years at Penn State (I changed my major when I was a senior) - I made sure I stacked all of my classes on two days. During my final couple of years, all of my classes were on Tuesday and Thursday, so I was able to go out on Tuesday and Thursday night because I didn't have to do anything the following day. What can I say? I was dedicated to going out, drinking myself into oblivion and ruining my liver.

But if Rebecca Black can make a name for herself by making a crappy song, so can I.

Here it is - the debut of my new hit single, Tuesday:

OOOOOOHHHH YEAAAA YEAAA YEAAAA YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

YEAAAAAAAAH YEAAAAAAAAAAAH YEAAAAAAAAAAH YEAH YEAH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

7 p.m. waking up in the evening
Gotta be drunk, gotta go to my liquor bottles
Gotta have my vodka, gotta have flavored rum
Drinkin' everything, the time is goin'
Tickin' on and on, everyone's going out
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch the bus that goes by the bar, I see a bunch of loser kids

Kickin' in the front seat is a douche with a lesbian haircut
Sittin' in the back seat is a douche with skinny arms
Gotta make my mind up
Whose a** can I kiiiiiiiiiiick?

It's Tuesday, Tuesday
Gotta get drunk on Tuesday
I'm lookin' forward to no classes tomorrow, tomorrow
Tuesday, Tuesday
Gotta get drunk on Tuesday
I'm lookin' forward to no classes tomorrow, tomorrow

Bar hoppin', bar hoppin' (Yeah)
Bar hoppin', bar hoppin' (Yeah)
Beer, vodka, rum, gin
Lookin' forward to no classes

2:45, I'm drunk on the sidewalk
Stomach feelin' crappy, I want to throw up
Puke, puke, thinkin about puke
Don't know what color it'll be
I drank too much, you drank too much
My friend is pukin' by my right (EHHH!!!)
I drank too much, he drank too much
Now you know it

Passin' out in the bushes
Passin' out in the dumpster
Gotta make my mind up
Where can I pass ooooooooooooout?

It's Tuesday, Tuesday
Got super drunk on Tuesday
Not looking forward to puking tomorrow, tomorrow
Tuesday, Tuesday
Got super drunk on Tuesday
Not looking forward to puking tomorrow, tomorrow

Hangover, hangover (Yeah)
Hangover, hangover (Yeah)
Vomit, barf, puke, bile
Not lookin' forward to throwing up

Yesterday was Monday, Monday
Today i-is Tuesday, Tuesday
I-I-I so hammered
I so hammered
I gonna have a hangover tomorrow
Tomorrow is Wednesday
And Thursday comes afterwaaards and then Friday and then Saturdaaaay and then Sunday comes after thaaaat.
I don't want this Tuesday to eeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnd!!!!

Damn it. That's all I've got. I can't go forward with my Tuesday song yet; first, I need to make some calls and find a shady rapper who enjoys molesting kids.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Crazy Horse Girl

I was browsing through my Facebook news feed the other day when something caught my eye. This hot chick I'm friends with - the same one who was being hounded by a creeper rapist at a party a few months ago - posted a petition about horses.

I'm a fan of hot chicks, but I'm really against petitions, so this was a conflict of interest.

Why do I hate petitions? Because they're a waste of time. They never work. So what if 5,000 people sign something? It's not going to get anything done. I've signed numerous petitions in an effort to save my favorite TV shows, but all my efforts were for naught. My digital signatures didn't save Flash Forward, Boston Public or Glory Daze. Even worse, my petition effort to bring back lemon Jolly Ranchers was also thwarted. My life has never been the same since the dreaded blue raspberry was introduced.

Anyway, this chick's petition was an attempt to stop horses from pulling carriages in downtown Philadelphia. An excerpt from this petition:

Horse-drawn carriages are exploitative. In order to generate a profit and provide entertainment for tourists, the horses are enslaved and forced into a brutal existence. They are forced to work on hard pavement in dangerous, unhealthful, and unnatural conditions. This is an injustice to horses, who are social beings, and who are naturally born to live with other animals and run free.

Sounds like a noble cause, right? Maybe - until you consider the following:

First, does anyone want to guess what's going to happen to these horses that are "put out of work?" I love how the petition promises the following:

We are proposing that all of the horses be put into sanctuaries so that they can enjoy some of the freedoms that they have been denied for their entire lives

Oh, really? So, who's going to pay for these fictional sanctuaries? Who's going to pay to move these horses to those sanctuaries? Who's going to pay to maintain these sanctuaries? Unless these horses begin s***ing gold coins, I don't know where is all the money going to come from.

A more realistic scenario is that these "unemployed" horses will receive a one-way ticket to the glue factory.

Second, people make a living in the horse carriage industry. If you eliminate this, you'll be putting tons of people out of work in a declining economy. Philadelphia would be losing money as well. The city is already bankrupt. You want Philly to lose even more money? Come on, someone has to pay all the welfare queens.

And third, people breed horses to work in this industry. By eliminating horse-driven carriages, there would be less of a demand for horses. So, in a sense, the author of this shortsighted petition is basically calling for horse abortions.

I tried to talk some sense into my hot friend, whom I will refer to from now on as Crazy Horse Girl. You'll see why after reading our conversation. My responses are pulled from memory; I can't see what I wrote because she unfriended me (I just realized this). Fortunately, I have her answers stored in Gmail:

Me: You should really re-consider posting this petition. You're basically murdering these horses because they'll all be sent to the glue factory.

Crazy Horse Girl: wow. you are not funny

Me: I wasn't joking. What do you think is going to happen to these horses once they're not pulling carriages? And they're bred for this anyway. If this industry is gone, there will be too many horses, so some of them will have to be put down.

Crazy Horse Girl: umm.... they BREED them for this purpose its not like there is an excess of horses, they purposely breed them for this business and its cruel. if people stop supporting it they will stop breeding them for this. duh. if you dont care about animal rights dont sign it but dont hate on me either.

Me: I disagree that this is cruel. Horses are genetically made to carry people around. What you're proposing isn't very much different than someone saying, "We shouldn't milk cows because it's cruel to them!" Whatever. On the bright side, I have some new Jerks of the Week material.

Crazy Horse Girl: if you think horses are "genetically made" to carry ppl around your are seriously closed minded. and yes it is better they are not born than to have them tortured because it is sick to breed them as if they are some kind of machines for a business. and fyi it is actually wrong to milk cows with the kind of factory farming that is done today. they arent milk machines. you sound so ridiculous im actually not sure if ur kidding or not.

It's wrong to milk cows? This chick is obviously nuts. What's next, claiming that slaughtering pigs for bacon is mean?

I'd like to take a couple of paragraphs to refute the belief that forcing horses to pull carriages is cruel. In fact, they like it. According to John Capp Jr., a horse carriage driver who would know about horses much more than any loser protestor, "Horses like pulling the carriages and when [I] select a horse, all the horses vie for attention to be picked for the assignment."

And from the Philadelphia Tours & Transportation Web site:

Our horses receive extensive training to allow them to adjust to city traffic. They work only at a walk and receive excellent care. Each horse has its own carriage driver and they become a team working together. The horses enjoy being groomed and bathed and receiving treats from their drivers. The carriages must go home by 3:30 pm each weekday. They also go home when the temperature exceeds 91 F or is below 26 F Wind Chill.

Communist hippie nut jobs like Crazy Horse Girl will disagree, but it makes sense that horses like to pull carriages. There was a similar study done on sled dogs, and it found that they are actually happier when they're asked to pull sleds. Horses probably feel happy and proud to work.

Anyway, Crazy Horse Girl sent me a private message after I told her I wouldn't argue with her anymore. I blurred out her name and picture so I wouldn't get into trouble:



I sent Crazy Horse Girl a link to the Jerks of the Week, but she never responded. But while we're on the subject, let's refute yet another one of her claims: "im pretty sure you cant legally put me on there without my consent." Facebook owns everything you write and post, so yet another invalid statement, communist.

Whatever. I think I've proven that this petition is asinine. And it's also not going to accomplish anything. The petition's aim is to get 10,000 signatures. That's it. As of this writing, they're at 1,169. Yeah, that's going to get someone's attention.

horse carriages

Actually, there are 1,168 signatures - because one of them is mine. No, I'm not nearly as nuts as Crazy Horse Girl; I did it for fun. I claimed to be the president of Elmer's Glue, and I wanted to seem excited about the prospect of receiving new "resources." Here's a screenshot:

horse carriages

If the writing's too small for you, I wrote, "I'm the President of Elmer's Glue. We are running low on resources, so I was pleased to see this petition. I'm hoping it reaches Mayor Nutter because we are running low on "supplies," if you know what I'm saying."

By the way, look at some of the names and locations of the other signatures: Thomas Fuchs, Germany; Alexandra Bokova, Czech Republic; Livia Pena, Brazil.

What a joke. They couldn't get any signatures from Philly? I'm sure corrupt mayor Michael Nutter's really going to care what Cindy Soh from Singapore thinks while he's embezzling income tax dollars after April 15.

The only person from Philadelphia with a real name on this piece of crap is some chick named Yelena, who writes, "It is extremely cruel to the horses, they are too smart and gentle to be used as entertainment."

Ah, now it all makes sense. I'm finally convinced that this is all wrong. Horses are indeed too smart to pull carriages. They should be at MIT solving math problems. They should be working for NASA, trying to figure out how to put a man (or a horse) on Mars. They should be professors at Ivy League schools.

And in their spare time, horses can start petitions to stop people from torturing cows by milking them. Because, as we all know, cows are just not smart and gentle enough to create petitions.




More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




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2015 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 20


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2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


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