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Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009




Jerks of the Week for Oct. 19, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Having to See Babies

My cousin recently had a baby. He was born in July and was named Ethan. Yay.

As far as I know, everyone in my family has seen the baby - my mom, my sister, my other cousins, the random old lady who sat next to me at that Portuguese restaurant - everyone, that is, except for me.

Whenever I talk to my mom, she tends to nag and point out that I haven't seen the baby yet. My aunt (the baby's grandmother) seems to give me a dirty look whenever I see her (or maybe it's my imagination).

So, why haven't I seen the baby yet? Well, a number of reasons. First, this site takes up a lot of my time. It's the best job ever, and I don't consider it work, but creating all the NFL Pick write-ups, the NFL Mock Drafts, the Fantasy Football Rankings and the Jerks of the Week entries eats up most of my week. I would estimate that during the season, I work (and by "work," I mean watch football and make fun of fat coaches) about 100 hours a week.

Whenever I'm not working, I'm eating, sleeping, pooping, walking my dogs, going to the gym (to try to stay somewhat in shape so my heart doesn't explode when I'm trying to win a Pick of the Month), working on my book and downloading porn. And except for those first four things, all of this occurs on Thursday and Friday when I don't have any football to watch or write about.

As my mom asks me, "Can't you spare 30 minutes to go see the baby?" Absolutely not! I take pooping and downloading porn very seriously.

But time restraints are just one reason. The other is a simple one - it's just a baby.

I know what a baby looks like. I've seen tons of babies before. I've even seen pictures of this one. Why do I need to go see a baby if I know what it looks like? If my cousin announced that she had a dinosaur, I would be like, "Whoa, I have to see that."

But a baby? I don't see what the big deal is.

If anything, this baby should come see me. I've seen many babies in my life, but this baby has never seen an owner of a football Web site. It would actually make more sense if the baby came to my house to see how I run WalterFootball.com. That makes much more sense than for me to go see the baby.

The baby is 4 months old - time to consider some career options.






JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: The Rush Limbaugh Controversy

If you haven't been paying attention to this, Rush Limbaugh was part of a group to buy the St. Louis Rams. However, once some of the NFL players caught wind of this, they made their comments known to the media, which put pressure on the group to let Limbaugh go. Last week, the leader of the group, Dave Chicklets (I think that's his name), banished Limbaugh.

Several players, including Mathias Kiwanuka and the usually incoherent Bart Scott, cited that they would never play for the Rams because of the comments Limbaugh made about Donovan McNabb five years ago. And here I thought that players wanted to stay out of St. Louis because the Rams haven't won a game in decades.

As a refresher, Limbaugh said that McNabb was overrated because the media wanted a black quarterback to succeed. Limbaugh subsequently took out a McNabb voodoo doll and sliced off its head with a sword.

In all seriousness, there was nothing wrong with what Limbaugh said. Is McNabb overrated? That's subjective. I've never been a fan of his because he never takes the responsibility for a loss and blames everyone else instead. Plus, he doesn't know about ties and attempts to call four timeouts in a half.

However, it's pretty obvious that the media would love McNabb to succeed because he's a black quarterback. Only one black quarterback has ever won the Super Bowl. If McNabb won a Lombardi Trophy, newspaper reporters everywhere would jizz in their pants at the opportunity to write a puff piece on McNabb and how he's had to overcome racism to become a champion. As a former member of the print media, even I got a little "excited" just typing that sentence.

What Limbaugh said was true; it was just stupid because he should have known that some people would overreact moronically toward the statement. But it wasn't racist in the slightest bit. If anything, it was racist against white people. Why does Limbaugh think the media wouldn't want a white quarterback to succeed!? Limbaugh must hate white people!!!

I can understand NFL players having the back of one of their fellow athletes, but there's no back to have. Instead, ignorant players have come out in droves to express their disdain for Limbaugh. Some are citing other things Limbaugh has said in the past, but I'm skeptical as to whether he even made those statements. Some speak of Limbaugh as if he was a captain of one of the slave ships 250 years ago.

And that's my big problem with all of this. Give forum member Sleek719 credit for bringing this question up - if a wealthy black man like Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson went out to buy an NFL team, what would happen if some white players spoke out about him? Those white players would instantly be labeled as racists - there's absolutely no question about that.

Perhaps these ignorant players should listen to someone who isn't clueless about the situation. Stephen A. Smith, whom as you know is black, said he found Limbaugh offensive, but supported his bid to be the owner of the Rams.

"If he has the dollars, he should be allowed to do it," Smith said. "The man knows football."

I guess Stephen A. Smith must hate black quarterbacks too.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Old Liar/Pervert

There's a funny old man who goes to my gym. I first met him when I was 16. He played 2-on-2 basketball with me, my friend Josh and someone else. I was on fire that day and I was nailing everything.

Eventually, the old man was so impressed that he kept saying, "That kid has a great shot." However, he had a very weird accent (think a Bostonian on crack), so he sounded like, "Thwat kwid has a gwreeeat shwot!"

It basically became an inside joke between Josh and me, and to this day, we'll say that to each other randomly. Fun times.

We didn't see that old man for a while after that. He seemed like he was about 62-63, so Josh and I assumed he either passed away or was stuffed into an old-age home.

However, I ran into him in the locker rooms randomly two years ago. He didn't remember me (I guess my shot must not have been that gwreeeat), but I got to talking to him and I enjoyed the conversation. We agreed on stuff politically and he gave me some financial advice (apparently he's pretty wealthy). I made a new friend. Awwz.

Well, not really. I saw him sparingly after that. A year ago, I had just finished playing 4-on-4 basketball with some of my friends. We saw the guy come out of the locker room. I guess he felt the need to impress us, so he talked about some of his female conquests.

"I mwet a gwirl, a sweet gwirl who is 33 yeez owld and now I'm gwoing owt wiff hwer," he said. Keep in mind that he's now in his early 70s (estimation).

"I awlso mwet two gwirls in a jwacuzzi at a hwotel and we made wlove."

Pretty awesome for him, but we didn't need to hear that. This guy kept droning on and on about his recent female conquests. I'm not kidding - he spoke for two hours about this. Listening to him was annoying, yet captivating at the same time. No one wanted to interrupt him; I guess we were trying to figure out whether he was a big liar or a hero for every man to look up to.

After he was done talking, it was already dark out. We felt like we fell into some time vortex and two hours of our life were erased into oblivion.

From then on, I decided that I would try my hardest to avoid him. I highly doubt his stories are true (how does a wrinkly old man land two 30-year-old babes in a Jacuzzi?), yet his stories just suck you in because they'd be great if they were true.

So anyway, we saw this old man again after another game of basketball this past Saturday. One of the guys instantly said, "Tell us about some of the women you're dating!" which drew a few groans from the others.

Before the old man started talking, I flipped out my phone and set my alarm for a minute later. I quickly stuffed it into my pocket and began listening.

"Ywou won't bewieve this gwirl I'm seeing wright nwow she's so hwot."

Ring! Ring!

The old man was startled. I flipped open my phone and pretended to talk to someone. I told that imaginary person that I would call them back.

I then told everyone that I had to go. When I walked away, I looked at one of my friends (the guy who groaned the loudest at the thought of hearing the old man's sex stories). I pointed to my phone, and I lipped, "Alarm!"

My friend gave me a jealous look. I laughed and walked away happily, leaving the others to be sucked into the old man's time vortex. Suckers!





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Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
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Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Oct. 31


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 29


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


NFL Free Agents





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