My cousin recently had a baby. He was born in July and was named Ethan. Yay.
As far as I know, everyone in my family has seen the baby - my mom, my sister, my other cousins, the random old lady who sat next to me at that Portuguese restaurant - everyone, that is, except for me.
Whenever I talk to my mom, she tends to nag and point out that I haven't seen the baby yet. My aunt (the baby's grandmother) seems to give me a dirty look whenever I see her (or maybe it's my imagination).
So, why haven't I seen the baby yet? Well, a number of reasons. First, this site takes up a lot of my time. It's the best job ever, and I don't consider it work, but creating all the NFL Pick write-ups, the NFL Mock Drafts, the Fantasy Football Rankings and the Jerks of the Week entries eats up most of my week. I would estimate that during the season, I work (and by "work," I mean watch football and make fun of fat coaches) about 100 hours a week.
Whenever I'm not working, I'm eating, sleeping, pooping, walking my dogs, going to the gym (to try to stay somewhat in shape so my heart doesn't explode when I'm trying to win a Pick of the Month), working on my book and downloading porn. And except for those first four things, all of this occurs on Thursday and Friday when I don't have any football to watch or write about.
As my mom asks me, "Can't you spare 30 minutes to go see the baby?" Absolutely not! I take pooping and downloading porn very seriously.
But time restraints are just one reason. The other is a simple one - it's just a baby.
I know what a baby looks like. I've seen tons of babies before. I've even seen pictures of this one. Why do I need to go see a baby if I know what it looks like? If my cousin announced that she had a dinosaur, I would be like, "Whoa, I have to see that."
But a baby? I don't see what the big deal is.
If anything, this baby should come see me. I've seen many babies in my life, but this baby has never seen an owner of a football Web site. It would actually make more sense if the baby came to my house to see how I run WalterFootball.com. That makes much more sense than for me to go see the baby.
The baby is 4 months old - time to consider some career options.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: The Rush Limbaugh Controversy
If you haven't been paying attention to this, Rush Limbaugh was part of a group to buy the St. Louis Rams. However, once some of the NFL players caught wind of this, they made their comments known to the media, which put pressure on the group to let Limbaugh go. Last week, the leader of the group, Dave Chicklets (I think that's his name), banished Limbaugh.
Several players, including Mathias Kiwanuka and the usually incoherent Bart Scott, cited that they would never play for the Rams because of the comments Limbaugh made about Donovan McNabb five years ago. And here I thought that players wanted to stay out of St. Louis because the Rams haven't won a game in decades.
As a refresher, Limbaugh said that McNabb was overrated because the media wanted a black quarterback to succeed. Limbaugh subsequently took out a McNabb voodoo doll and sliced off its head with a sword.
In all seriousness, there was nothing wrong with what Limbaugh said. Is McNabb overrated? That's subjective. I've never been a fan of his because he never takes the responsibility for a loss and blames everyone else instead. Plus, he doesn't know about ties and attempts to call four timeouts in a half.
However, it's pretty obvious that the media would love McNabb to succeed because he's a black quarterback. Only one black quarterback has ever won the Super Bowl. If McNabb won a Lombardi Trophy, newspaper reporters everywhere would jizz in their pants at the opportunity to write a puff piece on McNabb and how he's had to overcome racism to become a champion. As a former member of the print media, even I got a little "excited" just typing that sentence.
What Limbaugh said was true; it was just stupid because he should have known that some people would overreact moronically toward the statement. But it wasn't racist in the slightest bit. If anything, it was racist against white people. Why does Limbaugh think the media wouldn't want a white quarterback to succeed!? Limbaugh must hate white people!!!
I can understand NFL players having the back of one of their fellow athletes, but there's no back to have. Instead, ignorant players have come out in droves to express their disdain for Limbaugh. Some are citing other things Limbaugh has said in the past, but I'm skeptical as to whether he even made those statements. Some speak of Limbaugh as if he was a captain of one of the slave ships 250 years ago.
And that's my big problem with all of this. Give forum member Sleek719 credit for bringing this question up - if a wealthy black man like Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson went out to buy an NFL team, what would happen if some white players spoke out about him? Those white players would instantly be labeled as racists - there's absolutely no question about that.
Perhaps these ignorant players should listen to someone who isn't clueless about the situation. Stephen A. Smith, whom as you know is black, said he found Limbaugh offensive, but supported his bid to be the owner of the Rams.
"If he has the dollars, he should be allowed to do it," Smith said. "The man knows football."
I guess Stephen A. Smith must hate black quarterbacks too.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Old Liar/Pervert
There's a funny old man who goes to my gym. I first met him when I was 16. He played 2-on-2 basketball with me, my friend Josh and someone else. I was on fire that day and I was nailing everything.
Eventually, the old man was so impressed that he kept saying, "That kid has a great shot." However, he had a very weird accent (think a Bostonian on crack), so he sounded like, "Thwat kwid has a gwreeeat shwot!"
It basically became an inside joke between Josh and me, and to this day, we'll say that to each other randomly. Fun times.
We didn't see that old man for a while after that. He seemed like he was about 62-63, so Josh and I assumed he either passed away or was stuffed into an old-age home.
However, I ran into him in the locker rooms randomly two years ago. He didn't remember me (I guess my shot must not have been that gwreeeat), but I got to talking to him and I enjoyed the conversation. We agreed on stuff politically and he gave me some financial advice (apparently he's pretty wealthy). I made a new friend. Awwz.
Well, not really. I saw him sparingly after that. A year ago, I had just finished playing 4-on-4 basketball with some of my friends. We saw the guy come out of the locker room. I guess he felt the need to impress us, so he talked about some of his female conquests.
"I mwet a gwirl, a sweet gwirl who is 33 yeez owld and now I'm gwoing owt wiff hwer," he said. Keep in mind that he's now in his early 70s (estimation).
"I awlso mwet two gwirls in a jwacuzzi at a hwotel and we made wlove."
Pretty awesome for him, but we didn't need to hear that. This guy kept droning on and on about his recent female conquests. I'm not kidding - he spoke for two hours about this. Listening to him was annoying, yet captivating at the same time. No one wanted to interrupt him; I guess we were trying to figure out whether he was a big liar or a hero for every man to look up to.
After he was done talking, it was already dark out. We felt like we fell into some time vortex and two hours of our life were erased into oblivion.
From then on, I decided that I would try my hardest to avoid him. I highly doubt his stories are true (how does a wrinkly old man land two 30-year-old babes in a Jacuzzi?), yet his stories just suck you in because they'd be great if they were true.
So anyway, we saw this old man again after another game of basketball this past Saturday. One of the guys instantly said, "Tell us about some of the women you're dating!" which drew a few groans from the others.
Before the old man started talking, I flipped out my phone and set my alarm for a minute later. I quickly stuffed it into my pocket and began listening.
"Ywou won't bewieve this gwirl I'm seeing wright nwow she's so hwot."
The old man was startled. I flipped open my phone and pretended to talk to someone. I told that imaginary person that I would call them back.
I then told everyone that I had to go. When I walked away, I looked at one of my friends (the guy who groaned the loudest at the thought of hearing the old man's sex stories). I pointed to my phone, and I lipped, "Alarm!"
My friend gave me a jealous look. I laughed and walked away happily, leaving the others to be sucked into the old man's time vortex. Suckers!