When I started Jerks of the Week back in May 2009, I never once thought I'd ever be writing about water aerobics. I created Jerks of the Week to vent about my wedding date ditching me for a barbeque at her work, and understandably so because she was starting a new job and needed to establish some strong connections. At least that's what I told myself when I would crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep for a couple of months.
But here we are, in the eighth year of Jerks of the Week, and this section has devolved into rants about stupid things like water aerobics. I guess it was bound to happen. Yeah, it's not so bad, right? I'm now discussing mature things like water aerobics, so it's definitely a sign that I've grown over the years. If only I could go back in time and tell my 26-year-old self that everything will be OK.
So, before I delve into the super-mature subject of water aerobics, let's discuss another adult topic, which is horrible government spending. I take County Line Road straight from my house to my new gym, LA Fitness. It's a pleasant drive, as there is hardly any traffic. The street is two lanes both ways, save for this tiny stretch, so my commute has never been an issue.
Well, that's not the case anymore. Whoever is in charge of maintaining roadways thought it would be a brilliant idea to transform County Line into a one-lane road. So, they blanked out the current lines and painted yellow boxes in the middle of the road - you know, the ones where you drive into when you're about to make a left? The problem is that there aren't that many tiny streets to turn into off County Line, so these yellow boxes are f***ing useless. Those who have been turning left - using the left lane, obviously - have been doing so for years. No one has ever had an issue with this, and I've never seen a single accident on County Line. Not one. Despite this, some government a**hole thought it would be a good idea to f*** everything up.
I think this might be the worst way any government has spent money in the history of mankind. Seriously. I know that the fed spent like $500,000 on a hammer one time - i.e. one of the many reasons why it's futile to ever raise taxes in America - but that hammer didn't piss people off like this did. Or, at least I assume so. I guess you never know, the hammer could've been a jackass.
But to summarize, some moron in the government spent money to make it difficult for people to travel on a road that never had any problems. Good job, idiot. Way to waste money on something completely unnecessary and anger everyone at the same time. I'd rather our local government spend money on a jackass hammer of its own.
OK, I had to step away from my laptop for 10 minutes to calm down. Thirty cheeseballs later, and I'm fine now. Breathe, Walt, breathe. Lick cheeseball dust off your fingers, Walt, lick cheeseball dust off your fingers.
Anyway, I arrived at LA Fitness a bit later than I originally planned because of the new traffic "pattern," which was actually a blessing in disguise. I'll get to why that was in a bit, but I have to mention that some people are self-entitled a**holes. When I grabbed the door, I noticed that there were four people behind me. Naturally, I held open the door for these individuals.
Not one said "thank you." Not one. I didn't even get a nod my way. All four of these douches just walked in without even acknowledging me. Like I was some kind of peon doorman getting paid $8 an hour so that these aristocrat gym users wouldn't have to dirty their hands by touching the door handle.
Now, let's be fair here. I haven't mentioned yet that two of the four people I held the door for were Asian. If you took an Asian Studies course in college, you're quite aware that there is no translation for "thank you" in the Asian language. Granted, these people are now in America, so they should be expected to conform to our culture, but perhaps they were fresh off the boat, having migrated from the Asian country only weeks ago. I don't know how they managed to procure an LA Fitness membership so quickly, but perhaps their travel agent was cunning enough to include one amid the rest of their travel documents.
OK, so I'll forgive the Asian folk for saying "thank you." I wouldn't expect an Eskimo to know the word for "lava," and I can hardly imagine that one of these progressive, micro-aggression p***ies who would like for me to get paid $15 per hour to just hold a door knows how to say "hard work." Different cultures have their things, and given that I am such a worldly man, I fully understand their plights.
The other two people, however, I can't excuse. Well, you know what? I actually take that back. The third individual was a goofy-looking teenage doofus holding a basketball. He might have been distracted because he was walking behind this hot brunette chick wearing a baseball cap and tight black pants that did a great job of showing off her a**. This teenage dude must have been splooging in his underpants as he was walking through the doorway, so I can understand why he was distracted. We've all been there. I was once a teenage doofus myself, and I can't even count how many times I accidentally splooged in my pants because I was walking behind an amazing-looking woman. If I had a nickel for every pair of underpants I soiled as a result, I'd have a s*** ton of nickels.
I can't excuse the hot chick for not saying "thank you," however. Just because she looks great doesn't mean she can refrain from thanking someone for holding a door for her. Her looks don't make her better than everyone. OK, maybe they do, but proper courtesy would be appreciated.
Thankfully, I'm a man of solutions, and I'd like to propose something for all of us men who have held doors and not been acknowledged appropriately: If you hold a door for someone, and they don't thank you, slap them in the a**. Seriously. Just do it. It'll teach them a lesson they'll never forget, and they'll stop being douche bags and thank door-holders like you and me as a consequence.
Now, you might be thinking: Walt, what if I do that to someone and they sue me for sexual harassment? Luckily for you, I am a man of solutions, so I've already run through each scenario:
*** Holds door for Asian; they naturally don't say "thank you," so their a** is slapped ***
Asian: Why you do this?
Me: Because you didn't say "thank you."
Asian: "Tank you?" What this word mean? We don't have word rike this in Asian ranguage!
Me: You say it when someone does something nice for you.
Asian: Ah, now I understand. Thank you, Warter-san.
*** Holds door for teenager; he is too preoccupied to say "thank you," so his a** is slapped ***
Teenager: Hey, why did you do that?
Me: Because you didn't say "thank you."
Teenager: Sorry. I was too focused on that hot girl. I almost splooged my pants, but that slap stopped me. Thank you, mister!
Me: I understand. I've been there. I'm glad I could help.
*** Holds door for hot chick; she naturally doesn't say "thank you" because she thinks she's better than you, so her a** is slapped ***
Hot Chick: What the hell!? How dare you touch someone much better than yourself!?
Me: Because you didn't say "thank you."
Hot Chick: "Thank you?" Ha! As if I'd ever say that. That's it, I'm suing you for sexual harassment!
Me: Well, I'm suing you for being a f***ing b***h, so we'll see who wins in court, skank!
My guess is that she'd get half of my stuff and I'd get half of hers, so it would be a total wash - except I'd be stuck with five years' worth of makeup. Oh well. It would be worth it.
Remember how I said that arriving late was a blessing in disguise? Well, that was the case because a water aerobics class was taking up the entire pool. I had no idea one was scheduled, but now I know that they have them Tuesdays and Wednesdays from 6-7. Because I got to the gym at 6:45 instead of 6:35, I only had to wait 15 minutes for everyone to clear out before I could swim my mile.
I opted to wait in the hot tub, which gave me a clear view of exactly what was going on. It was perhaps the saddest display of exercise I had ever seen. I can sum it up in six words: old ladies decaying in a pool.
Want me to describe it in more detail? Fine, fine. There were about 20 people in the pool. Most of them were old women who were 65 or older. While the workout instructor, a woman in her 50s, was pumping her fists up and down to simulate a workout, most of these old ladies were barely doing anything. I wasn't exaggerating when I said that they were decaying in the pool. They literally weren't doing anything but decaying.
Not all of the workout warriors were old 65-plus ladies. There was one woman who was pretty far away from me, but she looked like she could've been 40, and a pretty hot 40, though it was kind of difficult to tell. She and another woman next to her looked like the only ones truly getting anything out of this class. They were doing stuff pretty briskly, matching their arm and leg movements to the upbeat music playing on the stereo. It then occurred to me that the older ladies were standing still because they couldn't hear the music.
There was also one guy in the pool. He wasn't getting a great workout from what I could tell, but he at least wasn't standing still. I wondered why this guy was even in this class, but then it struck me - this man was a genius. And you could be on his level as well. If you're looking to bang chicks who are about to die (or already might be dead) like this guy, then water aerobics is definitely for you!
A couple of the old ladies got out of the pool before the workout was complete and joined me in the hot tub. One woman, who looked about 70, started talking to me about how she also belongs to AFC Fitness - the gym I used to write about - and that she can join any gym she pleases because of some silver sneakers program. I told her that I used to belong there, but I stopped going because I didn't like the new people they hired. She gave me a dirty look, turned around and exited the hot tub. Meanwhile, an even older lady was giving me googly eyes. It's a good thing the guy taking the water aerobics class didn't see this, because he'd be super jealous.
Once the class was over, I got a better look at the two "younger" women taking the class. The one I thought might be hot definitely wasn't; she was about 15 years older than I thought, but she wasn't an abomination like the other workout warriors. Actually, the woman she was with seemed like she might have been hot 20 years ago. I imagine she didn't say "thank you" to guys holding the door for her either.
I don't know how it happened, but I got to talking to these ladies, as well as the water aerobics instructor. The three of them tried to convince me to join them for one of the classes. I told them that I like to come in and swim a mile, and the one woman I thought was much younger shook her head.
"I swim a mile every day, too, and believe me, water aerobics is a much better workout," she said.
The instructor naturally agreed.
"I worked some football players out recently, and they couldn't even finish!" she exclaimed. "They were gasping for air! Trust me, if you take one of my classes, you'll have the workout of a lifetime!"
A workout of a lifetime? There were old women who were literally rotting in the pool! If they could make it through an hour, I think I could as well.
I dismissed the possibility of doing water aerobics at first, but I thought about it, and I may just do it. At the very least, I'll have some writing material. And you never know, I may make some friends in the class. Sure, they won't be alive for much longer, but they'll be friends nonetheless.