JERK OF THE WEEK: Pepsi Commercial, McDonald's Commercial, Twitter Blockers
When I tell people I don't drink coffee at all, they look at me like I have five heads. Not two heads, as that would be super normal compared to not drinking coffee, apparently.
I hate coffee. I don't get it. It tastes like chalk, it costs too much money over the long haul, and it makes people go to the bathroom too often. I s**t like four times per day right now; I don't need to make even more trips to the toilet.
I personally think the coffee companies are a giant cult. I could see Starbucks making coffee extremely addictive so that people keep drinking it. Then, one day, the cult master will press a button, and everyone who is addicted to coffee will commit suicide, sort of like that weird M. Night Shyamalan movie where people offed themselves because they sniffed plants, or something. Yeah, I'm still confused about that one.
After people get over how weird I am for not drinking coffee, they ask me what I do to stay awake throughout the workday. I tell them I drink soda. More specifically, I say that I have a can of Pepsi (or Mr. Pibb, but usually Pepsi). Soda tastes better and is way healthier than almost anything you can put into your system, so I don't understand why more people don't drink it.
With that in mind, my interest was piqued when I saw that Pepsi was trending on Twitter a couple of weeks ago. Did people finally decide to leave the coffee cult and join the Pepsi club with me? If so, what was the coffee cult master going to do now that people wouldn't be committing suicide for him?
Apparently, that wasn't the case, and people are still going to die one day because they remain addicted to that abomination. I, meanwhile, will continue to be healthy with my multiple cans of Pepsi per week. Fools!
Pepsi was trending on Twitter because of some sort of controversial commercial. Oh no, people's feelings were hurt. Wahhhh!!!
I wasn't even going to look at this commercial because I knew it wouldn't be offensive in the slightest. Feelings are completely irrelevant, and I think most people would realize that if they didn't have so much sand in their vag. If you're one such person, just think about it logically. So what if something or someone hurts your feelings? What does that change? How does that impact you in any way in the grand scheme of things? Does that affect your ability to make a living or be healthy? The answers are nothing; it doesn't change anything; and there is no effect, in case you're completely dumbfounded by logic.
Anyway, I realized that not watching the commercial would be "ilresponsible" (to quote my sixth-grade English teacher) because it could provide Jerks of the Week material. So, I decided to give it a view. Here it is, if you somehow haven't seen it:
I can see why people find this offensive. In fact, there are three reasons why this is offensive:
1. I hate parades and crowd gatherings. I really do. I've never been to a parade, but I can imagine them being awful. I think parades are dumb because people should be working or doing something constructive rather than wasting their lives away, dancing in the middle of the street. This may seem like fun, but it's not. Dancing is horrible. There's way too much geometry and physics involved, plus it's bad for your back. If I had it my way, I'd make dancing illegal. Parades would be illegal, too. Stop wasting time celebrating, people!
2. My feelings are hurt! Wahhhh!!!
2. Just kidding. The second reason this is offensive to me is because there's a random barrel of Pepsi cans in the middle of the street. Yeah, right. That never happens. In real life, there's a cult member selling coffee to people. The parade-goers usually are smelly people who spend all of their money at Starbucks. I don't think they would ever drink Pepsi. They're just not smart enough if all they do is spend tons of time at various parades. If they don't realize how bad their backs are getting by dancing around all the time, then they aren't wise enough to appreciate a great beverage.
3. Why would anyone in their right mind give a perfectly good can of Pepsi away to a police officer? Look, I know that many cops are brave by putting their lives on the line, but that doesn't mean that you should give a precious can of Pepsi to them. That's just blasphemy. I have two friends who are cops, and I don't think I'd give either a can of Pepsi. Coke? Sure thing. Pepsi? Absolutely not.
To summarize, I can see what all the outrage is about. Parades are horrible; Pepsi cans are not readily available for free anywhere; and no one deserves to be given Pepsi cans without any sort of compensation. Not even brave men who put their lives on the line.
As of this writing, this video has 76,700 downvotes and only 14,217 upvotes, by comparison. Given that it's offensive in three aspects, I can see why there's such negativity toward it. And yet, it's not even the worst commercial that has been aired by a major company recently...
McDonald's commercials have been horrible since they've introduced the "I'm Lovin' it" slogan. A friend of mine pointed out to me that "I am loving it" is an anagram for "ailing vomit," and ever since, I imagine someone puking whenever I see a McDonald's ad on TV.
With McDonald's commercials already making me think of barfing - their rat-meat food doesn't help much either - I didn't think they could get much worse. Oh, how wrong I was! Check out this abomination:
Does anyone else realize how stupid this is? It's so dumb on so many levels. Let's review:
1. Why did the tow truck worker not charge the woman anything? Do you know how much calling a tow truck costs? I'm asking you because I don't know. Fortunately, the Google machine knows. Here's what spit out when I typed in, "How much does a tow truck cost?"
"Harris Towing Service & Auto Repair Center in Delaware, for example, charges $60 for local towing, a $75 hook-up fee and $3.50 per mile for long-distance towing. A tow of five miles or less may cost $35 to $125, while a 40-mile tow could cost $125 to $275, according to CostHelper."
Let's say it's five miles or less, since these people apparently work in the same vicinity, so let's average $35 and $125. That comes out to $80. So, the tow truck worker gave this woman $80 for free.
Umm... why? If they showed her struggling with like five kids, or if they made it known that she was disabled in any way, I could see it. But there was none of that. This guy just gives away $80 worth of service for nothing. Why don't other companies do this? If I go into Gamestop and buy $80 worth of video games, why can't the cashiers say, "This one's on me," and let me walk out of the store with those games for free?
I'll tell you why: Because it puts them out of business!
This tow truck guy is costing his business money. If he happens to own this business, it'll go under before he knows it. And if he doesn't, his boss will fire him.
2. I've met my fair share of fast-food workers, and I don't think any of them would give me free food, even if I did something nice for them. I could run into a burning building and save their children and pets, and I'd still get charged for a meal.
3. I love how everything is fair and square between them just because the McDonald's worker gave this guy free food. So, let's see, an $80 tow truck vs. a McDonald's meal. Hmm... I wonder who's getting the raw end of the deal?
How much does a McDonald's meal cost? Like $10 for most people, but this guy's on the heavy side. Even if we increase his bill to $50, he's still getting ripped off by $30, which is an outrage. And furthermore, the work he did was way harder than what she's doing. All she did was put his food in a bag. He made sure her freaking car worked! The least she could do is give him a nice hand job. He serviced her, so why can't she service him? It's the polite thing to do.
Instead, she gave him s***ty McDonald's food. Great. If he knew he was getting ailing vomit out of the deal, I doubt he would've given her free towing.
I can't think of a third stupid commercial to make fun of, so let me address something that seems incredibly dumb to me:
Blocking people on Twitter.
I get it if someone keeps messaging you, or tweeting at you obsessively. Blocking them from contacting you is fine. However, I've noticed that I've been blocked by some people whom I've never reached out to. Here's an example:
I've never once tweeted to or messaged Toure. It's mind-boggling as to why he would block me. All I do on Twitter is spam links to my site. Is that block-worthy? If he doesn't follow me, he wouldn't even see my spam, so why would he waste energy blocking me? Either way, I'm utterly devastated that I won't ever see brilliant tweets of his like this:
Oh God!!! What in the world will I do now that I can't read his incredible insight!?
Oh, wait. I can. Check this out:
Did you know that you can read someone's tweets by logging out of your Twitter account or opening up a different Web browser if they've blocked you? It's true. Everyone whose tweets aren't protected has them listed for public record, so someone can just check out someone's Twitter profile and read all of their tweets. I am sure sooooo many blocked people are just dying to check out what Toure has to say on Twitter.
People less famous than Toure block me as well:
Who the f*** is Blake Allen Murphy? Seriously. The only reason I know he's blocking me is because someone embedded a tweet of his I couldn't see, so I clicked on his profile and immediately saw that he blocked me.
Again, if I cared enough, I could see everything this Blake Allen Murphy character has to say by either logging out or opening a new Web browser:
Wow, what a great top tweet. Can't wait to get more insight from this Blake Allen Murphy character.
Speaking of, what kind of a name is Blake Allen Murphy? Anyone who uses their full name like that is probably a pretentious mega douche. Like, Blake Murphy seems like a cool dude you'd want to have a beer with. Blake Allen Murphy sounds like a serial killer, or at the very least, a hippie loser who spends his entire life savings at Starbucks. Coincidentally, Blake Allen Murphy photographed himself drinking coffee.
I'd really like to know what when through this guy's head when he blocked me. He must have seen my feed and said, "Rahhh!!! This guy posts too many links to his site!!! I have to pointlessly block him when I could just not follow him!!! Rahhh!!!"
It seriously had to be something like that because I've never had any sort of contact with him on Twitter. I've never even heard of him prior to today. I just don't understand why someone would go out of their way to block someone they have no contact with. It just seems so nonsensical and a complete waste of time.
What even makes less sense is that Blake Allen Murphy did this as an aspiring sports writer. He works for a small site and has fewer than 2,000 followers, so I imagine that he'd like to increase his readership, as all writers should. Why, then, would he block me, when he could reach out to me for help, even it's just a link exchange? I link exchange all the time, and I post almost everyone's mock draft in my NFL Mock Draft Database.
If you're a whiny douche like Blake Allen Murphy and have the urge to block someone because your feelings are hurt in any way, think twice about doing so. It's so unbelievably counterproductive to block someone who could help you in any way. It's also incredibly stupid, and it makes you look very childish and petty. Plus, as mentioned, blocking someone who doesn't contact you does absolutely nothing because they can read your tweets if they want to anyway!
Then again, none of this matters for Blake Allen Murphy. He's clearly an obsessed coffee drinker, so I assume he'll be the first to go when the coffee cult master pushes his magic suicide button.