Jerks of the Week - March 9, 2015





Jerks of the Week: March 9, 2015


JERK OF THE WEEK: Valentine's Day Gifts

Is it just me, or have the cheesy Valentine's Day jewelry commercials disappeared? I used to make them a jerks entry every year - in fact, I made fun of them as recently as last March - and it was always a blast. They were just so corny and unrealistic, and I argued that they were the cause of many break-ups and divorces because it gave women unrealistic expectations of their boyfriend or husband. I imagine many females watched that crap and thought, Why doesn't my man have a jewelry stashed in his pocket every time we fall down in the snow, watch a scary movie or order a Big Mac at McDonald's like this handsome guy on TV!?

I haven't seen those commercials this year. Maybe it's because I'm always DVRing stuff or watching shows on Netflix, but I failed to catch any awful commercials. In fact, the only one I saw was a hilarious spoof by Dairy Queen:



Where did they all go? Did I just somehow miss them, or did the people in charge of Jared, Zales, etc. finally wise up and stop their campaign to ruin relationships by selling jewels that thousands of Africans died mining for? If they did alter their way of thinking, it was at the worst time possible for me because I needed ideas. This was going to be the second Valentine's Day I was spending with my girlfriend, and I thought it would be nice to get her some jewelry.

The problem was that I know nothing about jewelry, outside of what I've seen on commercials. Here's the extent of my knowledge:

  • There are something called chocolate diamonds, which you might be able to eat, much like those chocolate gold coins Jewish people give to each other on Hanukkah.

  • There are charms bracelets that remind me of those Lucky Charms marshmallows. As far as I'm concerned, the Lucky Charms marshmallows should be worth more money.

  • Some old skank peddles something called an Open Hearts collection. More like Open Farts collection.



    The night before Valentine's Day, I hopped onto some jewelry Web sites while dropping a deuce to do some research. I was so taken aback by what I saw that diarrhea flowed uncontrollably out of my anus. The prices were outrageous. They were charging like five grand for a small necklace that looked like it came out of a Cracker Jack box. The cheapest stuff was even worse; some 5-year-olds could've glued stuff together in kindergarten, and it would've been more impressive.

    That's when I realized that I needed to get into jewelry. I won't ever quit this Web site because I love it and it pays well, but perhaps I can sell jewelry on the side. I've put some thought into it, and I only need to do the following:

    1. Find some Africans willing to sacrifice their lives so that I can make money.

    2. Tell these Africans to mine diamonds for me in dangerous conditions. If they don't make it out alive, hey, it's just natural selection.

    3. Ship the diamonds they mined to my house.

    4. Open up a jewelry store and sell these diamonds at outrageous prices.

    5. Create cheesy commercials so that people know about my store. Like this...

    Man: Wow, what a great workout. Forty minutes on the elliptical will have me losing lots of weight in no time.

    Woman: Yeah, I'm tired. I'm glad we decided to go to the gym though.

    Man: I'm so happy to have you as my gym partner, so I got you this.

    Woman: Oh, it's beautiful! It's one of those Open Farts collection necklaces that my friends wear!

    Man: You deserve it, and it even smells like farts. Your farts. May we be gym partners forever.

    6. Watch countless men waltz into my store and spend their hard-earned money for my precious jewels that I worked so hard to obtain.

    It seems like a flawless plan to me. A simple one too. But I have not accomplished that just yet. I was on the other end of the stick this past Valentine's Day. I found nothing I liked online, so I just decided to wing it and show up to Jared, which happens to be right near the mall. I needed something else from the mall - more on that later - so going to Jared seemed to make sense. Plus, I could always say that I "went to Jared," which, prior to Feb. 13 of this year, I had never done before.

    Unfortunately, I had to wait a while to buy what I wanted - they had a sign-in list because they were so busy - but I purchased this necklace that looked nice. It wasn't five grand either, so no diarrhea spewed out of my anus this time - though I guess it did help that I dropped yet another deuce prior to leaving my house.

    The necklace was a bit more than I intended to spend when I entered the store, but the salesman, a bald guy in his 50s, did a great job of selling it. He talked for 10 minutes about how great it was and how many Africans died to mine it, and he closed with, "It'll be a great gift. Let's wrap it up." How could I say no? He was so convincing that he couldn't sold me Lindsay Lohan's STDs for a hefty price, and I would've agreed to the purchase.

    The salesman got me to sign up for these lifetime insurance and protection scam plans, and I also gave him my information for a Jared rewards card even though I didn't plan on coming back anytime soon. I just couldn't say no. The guy was super smooth; he could've asked for my soul, and I would've given it to him. He did trip up a bit when he tried to talk about football after I mentioned what I do for a living - he thought the NFL Draft had to do with fantasy football - but I had already handed him all of my money, credit cards and diarrhea by then.




    My next trip was to the Build-a-Bear Workshop. It may sound cliche to buy a stuffed animal on Valentine's Day, but hear me out: The last time my girlfriend and I were at this particular mall, we stopped by that store, and she said how much she wanted a "Toothless" stuffed animal - from the animated movie, How to Train Your Dragon. I made a mental note of it and came back to purchase one. I found a Toothless that had a red shirt on that said "I love you" on it and brought it to the counter. The exchange I had with the cashier, a fat woman in her 50s, was something I'll never forget.

    Cashier: Oh, a Toothless! How nice!

    Me: Yup.

    Cashier: Would you like to make a birth certificate for it?

    Me: A birth certificate?

    Cashier: Yes! Would you like to use one of the computers to make a birth certificate for your new friend?

    Me: Uhh... I didn't even know that was an option.

    The cashier gave me a crazy look, almost as if I were the insane one because I didn't know what a birth certificate for "my new friend" was. She shook her head and asked me another question.

    Cashier: Would you like to buy pants?

    Me: Pants?

    Cashier: Pants for your new friend?

    Me: I can buy pants for this?

    Cashier: Yes, he'll be cold if you don't buy him pants.

    OK, lady, calm down. I'm not getting a real animal here. I don't need to buy it pants or print out a birth certificate for absolutely no reason.

    At any rate, I told her that I wasn't going to buy pants for the stuffed animal. You should've seen her face. It got red, and she gave me an evil glare. She then began muttering, "No birth certificate ... no pants..." under her breath.

    This lady was certifiably insane. At this point, I was worried that she was going to find me, storm into my bedroom at night and hack me to pieces, so I tried to appease her.

    Me: I'm kinda in a hurry... can I buy it pants and a birth certificate later?

    Cashier: Ah... oh, yes... You can always come back and buy pants and a birth certificate.

    Me: OK, I'll do that.

    Cashier: What a relief.

    A relief, eh? I'm glad I can put you at ease by assuring you that my stuffed animal will be taken care of.

    You know what's scary? My girlfriend put the Toothless on the dresser in our bedroom after I gave it to her. While I was in the shower later that evening, I heard a strange noise coming from my bedroom. Once I was done, I investigated what it was, and it was the Toothless going, "I love you ... I love you ... I love you" over and over again. Apparently, it was a squeeze toy, but no one was squeezing it. It just chanted "I love you" over and over. I moved it, and it stopped, but I woke up to a loud "I love you!" the following morning. It nearly scared the s*** out of me, so I moved it to the exercise room.

    I'm worried now. What if I don't buy it pants or a birth certificate soon? Will it eventually cry out, "I hate you, I want pants and proof of birth!" to me? Maybe that crazy Build-a-Bear woman had a reason behind her insanity.






    The last piece of the puzzle was dinner, as in food I was going to cook. You may know from reading Jerks of the Week that my cooking skills are lacking, to say the least. For instance, I recently discovered that you empty out the water while making spaghetti with a bowl with holes. I always thought a blowdryer was involved somehow.

    I was going to surprise my girlfriend with a spaghetti dinner - it was either that, cereal or sandwiches - when my friend Body Burner asked if I wanted to go out to a restaurant with him, his girlfriend, my cousin and her husband. My girlfriend then texted me with the same invitation. I asked her if she wanted to go, and she said that she did. Thus, my spaghetti plans were shelved for another night.

    The good news was that I didn't have to cook; I spent the rest of the afternoon doing something slightly less productive (i.e. eating Cheetos and Snickers). The bad news was that everyone wanted to go to Ninja, a Japanese restaurant.

    I wrote about my awful experience at Ninja last summer. I vowed never to go back there, so I was in a bad mood all evening. As we pulled into the parking lot, I noticed that the place was packed. "Looks like a lot of people want terrible food tonight," I grumbled. My girlfriend laughed, but I was crying on the inside.

    Ninja was as bad as I thought it was. I don't even know why I scanned the menu. There were four pages of sushi, which I found insulting. I didn't even know there was more than one type of sushi, let alone enough to fill up four pages. It's always been my theory that the Japanese president lied to the American people about sushi as revenge for Hiroshima. He and his cronies are probably laughing at us dumb Americans for eating raw fish when no one in their right mind would ever consume such a disgusting thing. As I heard most of the people in my party order sushi - including both my girlfriend and Body Burner - I could only imagine Kim Jong-un(**) laughing at us from his throne.

    (**) I'm aware that Kim Jong-un is the King of North Korea, but my other theory is that Kim Jong-un is actually the Japanese president as well. Only a maniacal man with no friends could possibly come up with this sushi farce, and Kim Jong-un is the only maniacal, friend-less Asian I know, aside from Jerry Jackson, but Jerry is too busy jacking off to pictures of his imaginary BFF Alec Musser to plot revenge against America.

    Dinner was awful. I ordered steak and shrimp hibachi, but they filled up just half my plate. I was starving as I left the restaurant, so I went to Wawa afterward. The highlight of the night was worth talking about though. Someone invited Crazy Horse Girl, but she was sitting on the other end of the table, so I didn't talk to her for the entire night - until she asked me a random question as I was paying the bill.

    "Walter, do you hate homeless people?"

    That came out of nowhere. I replied that I didn't care for homeless people, but couldn't say that I passionately hated them, or anything. I fear homeless people because they have nothing to lose, and if they happened to be smarter, they'd realize that they would get upgraded living conditions in jail for committing crimes. Fortunately, they are all drunk, high and stupid.

    I soon learned to realize that Crazy Horse Girl asked me this question because she and my girlfriend were having an argument.

    Crazy Horse Girl: I don't get why you feel that way.

    Girlfriend: I just don't like homeless people.

    Crazy Horse Girl: Maybe people don't like you.

    Oh, snap. And I thought the woman at the Build-a-Bear store was crazy. I don't get why Crazy Horse Girl was so passionate about someone disliking homeless people, but then again, she nearly strangled me over an argument we had over online horse petitions.

    At any rate, I gave the Toothless and necklace to my girlfriend the following day, and she loved both. I even got to say, "I went to Jared."

    Now, I find myself wondering if Jared will read this entry and decide to include me in their cheesy commercials next year. If so, I'd like to eat one of those chocolate diamonds. I'm still hungry because of stupid Ninja.

    LOADING COMMENTS...



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    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
    Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
    Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
    Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
    Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
    Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
    Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
    Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
    Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
    Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
    Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
    Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
    Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
    Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
    Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
    Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
    Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
    Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
    Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
    Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
    Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
    Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
    Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
    Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
    Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
    Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
    Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
    Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
    Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
    Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
    Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
    Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
    Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
    Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
    Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
    Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
    Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
    Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
    Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
    Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
    Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
    Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
    Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
    Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
    Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
    Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
    Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
    Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
    Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
    Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
    Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
    Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
    Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
    Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
    Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
    Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Nov. 19


    2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 16


    2019 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 20


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


    2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


    NFL Power Rankings - May 5









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