I don't feel very comfortable saying this, but I have this weird sensation in my crotch. It was quite tingly at first, but not it just itches, and I can't make it go away. I've scratched at it so hard that the skin in the area has grown quite irritated. It's a combination of pink, bright red and tan. It's quite disturbing, and as a result, I've been in a foul mood. I've grown quite pissy at everyone, and the slightest thing disturbs me.
Yes, it's true. I have sand in my vag.
What do I have sand in my vag from? A team name in the NFL, of course. This team name is highly offensive, and it needs to be changed immediately. If it's not, I will storm the streets and picket the stadium. Or, perhaps I'll be like the great Peter King and stop referring to their team name on my Web site. Maybe I'll even commandeer their training facility and blow it up! I know that sounds drastic, but this team name is so offensive that buildings need to be destroyed because of it.
Wait, what? Blowing stuff up in Washington is dangerous? Who said anything about the Redskins? That's a cool name that deserves to stick around. What I'm referring to, of course, is the Minnesota Vikings.
First things first: the term "Vikings" is highly offensive to all people of Scandinavian descent. People associate "Vikings" with seafaring scoundrels, who stole from, raped and killed innocent civilians. As a result, anyone from the Scandinavian region is associated with performing such vile acts.
Now, before you roll your eyes and move on to a different Web site, let me ask you this: Have you ever hung out with a Scandinavian person before? If they have blatant Scandinavian features, what do others do when approaching them? It's always the same. These people go, "Oh that's awesome, you're like a Viking and stuff!" No. They're not Vikings. They're Scandinavians. They don't steal, rape and kill senselessly.
This whole situation is incredibly sensitive to Scandinavians. My dentist is Scandinavian, and while I never asked her about the Vikings' team name, I know for a fact that she's quite upset about it. She may not even know what a first down is, but I can just sense that her greatest wish in the entire world, aside from peace on Earth, is for the Vikings' team name to be changed to something more honorable.
It also must be noted that there are many misconceptions that are brought to light because of the Vikings' team name. The helmet has a horn on each side because it's widely believed that Vikings wore horned helmets in battle. This couldn't be further from the truth. Vikings wore regular helmets when they stormed foreign shores to steal, rape and kill.
Speaking of stealing, raping and killing, why are we honoring Vikings with a team name when they were feared by many and committed numerous terrible crimes? In a couple hundred years, is there going to be a football team called the "Al-Qaeda?" I can just see it now: "Welcome to tonight's game, where the London Jaguars will battle the Los Angeles Al-Qaeda!"
The Vikings' team name is offending way too many people. Even though I conducted a poll with 99 percent of Scandinavians saying that they don't find the team name offensive, it's that 1 percent that has me scratching away at the newly developed sand in my vag. As a result, I've decided that I will no longer refer to Minnesota's team as the "Vikings." Taking an idea from the great Peter King, I've decided to call them the "Minnesota Football Team" on my Web site going forward. I will not stand idly as millions of Scandinavians are hurt by something some of their barbarian ancestors did hundreds of years ago.
I've thought long and hard about this, and I've come up with some ideas for what the Minnesota Football Team should be called:
Norsemen - A synonym for the term "Vikings," but with no negative connotations.
Norsehearts - The name "Bravehearts" has been proposed for the Redskins, but I think Norsehearts makes much more sense for the Minnesota Football Team.
Warriors - Minnesota better grab this one before Daniel Snyder opts to go with it.
Humans - This is an idea from Community. The team name "Humans" can't be offensive to any living person. The one caveat here is that if aliens ever come to Earth and start watching football, they might be offended that we've segregated them from this all-inclusive team name. And we can't possibly offend anyone because it's just not right. I will not rest until every single living being isn't offended. Oh, the sand in my vag is really itchy right now!
Alive - This is the one. The Minnesota Alive. Aliens won't be offended by this. But wait... what if there's a zombie apocalypse? Zombies aren't alive, so they'll be offended.
DNA - I'm confident that this will work. The Minnesota DNA. No living or dead being can be insulted by this team name, right? Well... wait... what if we make androids? Even if they don't have feelings, they could be offended. Damn it! Sand in the vag, stop itching please!
I give up. I'm clearly not smart enough to come up with a name for the Minnesota Football Team that doesn't offend living people, zombified corpses, aliens and robots. I'm a failure. The sand in my vag will continue to itch, and it'll eventually consume me until I become one of those whiny, hypocritical douches on Twitter who monitor every single tweet posted to make sure every single character isn't offensive to anyone.
That is my future. Someone, please kill me now.
If you couldn't tell that I was being the slightest bit facetious about all of this, I was basically making fun of all the idiots in the media who have been pining for the Redskins' team name to be changed. King, as mentioned, declared that he will refer to them as the "Washington Football Team" on his Web site. NBC's Bob Costas, meanwhile, gave us all a lecture a few Sunday nights ago about how we are all terrible people for allowing this to continue. Other lesser media people are offended as well, following King's example. A newspaper in Detroit recently announced that it will also refer to them as the "Washington Football Team."
Eighty-three percent! Using my nifty Windows calculator, I was able to determine that 17 percent think the names should be changed. But 17 percent is nothing. By my calculations, 33 percent of the human population has so much sand in its vag that it'll be offended by anything - even the "Minnesota DNA."
All of this is even more ironic, given that the first-ever head coach of the Redskins - then known as the Boston Redskins - was an American Indian himself. William Henry Dietz had a hand in choosing the name. If he, as an American Indian, was completely fine with the team name, why do guilt-ridden white people care? It's so stupid.
The Redskins' team name has been around since the 1930s, so why is all of this controversy developing right now? I was perplexed by this as well, until I learned that 97 percent of the Redskins' political donations goes to Republican candidates. They trail only the Houston Texans, who are at 98 percent.
I think that paints a clearer picture. Most journalists don't swing that way. Neither does the president, who had something to say about the Redskins' team name, only after these donation statistics were publicized. It's curious timing, isn't it? Where was all of the outcry prior to Snyder's ownership of the team? Why didn't a**holes in the media pine for a name change when Jack Kent Cooke was owner of the franchise, or before Snyder gave tons of political contributions to the Republican Party?
The bottom line is that no one is truly hurt by the Redskins' team name. It's been around for 80 years. Not one single person has actually felt physical or emotional damage from hearing "Redskins" on TV. Sure, 50 percent of white people and 17 percent of American Indians might be offended, but I can find ways for anyone to be offended by any team name. Let's go down the list of all the NFL teams:
Giants: Don't you think that "small people" are pissed off by this? Here we are, glorifying "Giants," yet "small people" are always ignored. Why isn't there a team name for the latter group? Perhaps the New York Giants should become the New York Tyrions.
Eagles: People who hunt and hate the Eagles may go into the wild and actually shoot some real eagles. These birds are an endangered species, so this can all be avoided if the Eagles change their team name.
Cowboys: Dallas' symbol has five points. Seems a lot like the pentagram. Is Jerry Jones aligned with Satan? Does the devil himself pay for Jones' Botox?
Lions: Anyone who has watched the Lion King no doubt has scarring memories from when - spoiler alert - Mufasa died right before Simba became an adult. This is what I think of whenever I see the Lions on TV. I'm highly offended that I have to relive the agony of Mufasa's demise over and over.
Bears: People who hate the Bears will ignore Smokey's warnings about forest fires, and many will die as a result. This can't be allowed to happen. Chicago must change its name.
Packers: This team name refers to cattle and meat packing. There's no doubt that vegetarians and vegans across the globe are offended by this team name. I'd advise the Packers to change their name to the "Vegetables" or "Harvest," but what about those who are on the Atkins Diet?
Vikings: Already discussed this above. My heart bleeds for the poor Scandinavians who are offended by this.
Saints: What about those who worship Satan? They obviously are offended by saints. Remember, no one can be offended!
Falcons: Same as the Eagles. We can't have people maliciously hunting falcons, or else they'll become extinct!
Panthers: Imagine if you went camping years ago, and your little brother or sister was eaten by a panther in the wilderness. This has happened to many people, so put yourself in their shoes. Wouldn't you be offended that the NFL is glorifying such vicious animals that have scarred your childhood? It's just not right.
Buccaneers: There's nothing wrong with the Buccaneers' team name, but aren't heterosexually challenged people offended that they changed their logo? The old one was of a flamboyantly heterosexually challenged pirate. You'd have to think that people who like to get wangs up their buttocks are distraught over this:
Seahawks: Ever have a seagull steal your lunch from right out of your hands? This happened to my sister. She, no doubt, finds the Seahawk team name very offensive.
Cardinals: I'm not going to bother doing any research on this, but I doubt there are any actual cardinals in the state of Arizona. I happen to know one member of a bird-watching community who is very offended by this. Name change, please!
Rams: Likewise, rams probably don't exist in St. Louis. If you know any rams enthusiasts, they're undoubtedly extremely upset by this team name. These poor people need comfort.
49ers: Do you know how many people died of dysentery when they rode west to mine for gold in San Francisco? A lot! How would you feel if your great, great, great grandfather died of dysentery? This team name doesn't seem so friendly now, does it?
Patriots: How are we supposed to bring football to London with a team name like the Patriots in the NFL? No doubt the people of England secretly want to start another war with us because of this.
Jets: People who are afraid of flying can't find this name too appealing. Remember, not one single person can be offended, so the New York Automobiles wouldn't work either, given that people have gotten into car accidents.
Dolphins: There have been stories of people who have been saved from shark attacks by dolphins. That's cool, but what about those whom the dolphins refused to help? Many have been eaten by sharks, so where were the dolphins then?
Bills: They've sucked for so many years that the fans are simply offended by everything.
Browns: The color of poop is offensive to many people.
Ravens: A raven is a scary bird. What if some child can't go to sleep because he saw the Ravens' frightening logo? In a world in which a single person can't be offended, the Ravens must go.
Steelers: Steel workers cause pollution, which hurts the environment. Tree-hugging a**holes obviously hate the Steelers. Of course, we can't call this team the Pittsburgh Tree-Hugging A**holes because then the steel workers would get offended. Oh, the sandy-vagged world we live in!
Bengals and Jaguars: See the Panthers' entry.
Titans: See the Giants' entry.
Colts and Broncos: Kids born decades ago watched Mr. Ed growing up. They all tried to talk to horses, but had no such luck. As a result, they've developed a disdain for horses, and are undoubtedly offended that two NFL teams have horse mascots.
Chargers: Ever been electrocuted before? If not, you don't understand the pain that those who have been go through when they're reminded that San Diego's football team is called the Chargers.
Raiders: See the Bills' entry.
Chiefs: In all honestly, I've actually talked to some people who believe that the team name "Chiefs" is more offensive than "Redskins." Why is there no outcry about the Chiefs? Is it because their owner doesn't give loads of money to the Republican Party?
There you have it. Thirty-one teams are offensive. I've excluded the Texans for the obvious reason - they give so much money to Republicans that if they were the slightest bit offensive in any way, King and Costas would shove it down our throats. Thank the heavens that there's one NFL team that's not offensive!
So, what's the solution? I've thought long and hard, and I've come to the conclusion that the NFL should look like this:
Dallas Team C
New York Tyrions
Philadelphia Team E
Washington Team R
Chicago Team B
Detroit Team D
Green Bay Team P
Minnesota Team V
Atlanta Team F
Carolina Team P2
New Orleans Team S
Tampa Bay Team B2
Arizona Team C2
San Francisco Team 4
Seattle Team S2
St. Louis Team R2
Buffalo Team B3
Miami Team D2
New England Team P3
New York Team J
Baltimore Team R3
Cincinnati Team B4
Cleveland Team B5
Pittsburgh Team S3
Indianapolis Team C3
Jacksonville Team J2
Tennessee Team T
Denver Team B6
Kansas City Team C4
Oakland Team O
San Diego Team C5
Now there's a league that's not offending anyone! Obviously, teams can switch numbers around if they'd like, but this works. Sandy vages will cease to exist.
But wait... what if the mascots from Alpha-Bits cereal show up and claim that they are offended because "X," "Z" and "Q" aren't represented? Crap. I guess we'll have to deal with more Peter King articles, Bob Costas lectures and sandy vages from guilt-ridden white people. Is there no solution to this madness?