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Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012




Jerks of the Week for Nov. 26, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of My Neighborhood

I can't believe it's been nearly nine months since I've dedicated an entire entry to the jerks in my neighborhood. The previous entry featured Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves and Jerks Around the Bush. Here's an update on all three:

Homeless Carriage Woman: I have not seen this lady for months. Perhaps she migrated south for the summer. Maybe she's passed out in a gutter somewhere. Or could it be that my Russian gypsy neighbors discovered that she was trying to steal their jewels, so they called the local mental asylum so that she would be locked up?

I'm not going to ask. For one, I'm still interested in these precious Russian jewels. And two, I'm happy to get rid of a crazy woman who spent the entire day wheeling a dead squirrel around in a baby carriage.

Cookie Thieves: The Native American kids who sold me cookie dough instead of cookies often play a game outside. Sometimes they're throwing a football around - don't be surprised; Native Americans invented pigskin, along with corn, wheat and soda - and sometimes they have big games of pseudo-baseball going on near the mailboxes, which is annoying because I always feel like a douche interrupting their game whenever I have to get my mail.

The game itself is very weird. There seems to be a pitcher, a hitter and several fielders, like in baseball, but there is always a rectangular rack with three wooden slots of some sort behind the batter. The bats, meanwhile, are wooden paddles, resembling something you'd see in a sex shop.

Hey, look, I know the Native Americans have their own culture, but I don't mind making fun of theirs because they sold me cookie dough instead of cookies. The cookie dough is still sitting in my freezer. I have no idea what to do with it. How do I cook and/or fry and/or bake and/or grill (are these synonyms?) cookie dough into cookies? Do I use my microwave and/or my stove and/or my oven (are these synonyms?) Alas, I fear that the cookie dough will remain cookie dough for the rest of eternity.

Jerks Around the Bush: I haven't seen Lesbian Haircut Man for some time, while the bush that these a**holes tried to cut down is still standing. Nice try, losers.

I haven't seen any jerks through my office window lately, but all I had to do was open my front door to find one recently:


1. Yevgeny Lungin

I normally don't use real names in my Jerks of the Week entries. I don't want to get into trouble, and besides, it's fun to create appropriate nicknames for strange people. However, this is a special case because I found this paper lodged in my door one day:



An armed-and-dangerous fugitive lurking in my neighborhood? Normally, I'd be nervous, but I have an awesome security system with motion detection. Also, I'm up all hours of the night, so he'd see that all of my lights were on, so he wouldn't bother me. That's why I'm not too concerned. I mean, yeah, there's a chance that he could kidnap a little kid or something, but my safety is the primary issue here.

What did this guy do anyway? I actually found my answer about an hour later when I was coming back from a trip to Bottom Dollar. This chick who always walks her boyfriend's dog saw me and asked me about the FBI flier.

Dog-Walker Girl: Hey, did you see the flier about the armed-and-dangerous guy?

Me: Yeah.

Dog-Walker Girl: That's weird that we didn't get one.

Me: Strange. Do you want mine?

Dog-Walker Girl: No, it's OK, we already saw our neighbor's.

Me: Oh, OK.

Dog-Walker Girl: Do you know who that guy is?

Me: The fugitive? No, I don't.

Dog-Walker Girl: Oh, he lives right over in the next development. I know his wife.

OK, a few things here:

1. I'm even more relived now. Chances are this Yevgeny guy has seen my house already, so he knows I'm going to be up late. I'm even safer than I initially realized. That's great news because that means he'll be able to concentrate on kidnapping children instead of doing bad things to me. Phew.

2. A guy with a tattoo of "MAMA" on his back was able to get married? Does his wife have no shame? Man, South Park wasn't kidding about the recent "lowering the bar" episode.

3. Dog-Walker Girl was annoying me because she was moving away from me as we were discussing this fugitive. She was walking in the opposite direction in the first place, but she still could have stopped briefly to talk, especially since she was the one who started the conversation. I thought that was rude, but maybe I smelled, or something.

Me: That's crazy that he lives so close to us.

Dog-Walker Girl: Yeah, I know.

Me: Do you know what he did?

Dog-Walker Girl: I think he robbed a bank or something.

Me: Really? That's all he did, and he's an FBI fugitive?

Dog-Walker Girl: Yeah, I don't know all the details, but I think he was holding a gun or something.

Me: Well, what else would he have been holding if he robbed a bank? You can't exactly rob a bank weaponless.

Dog-Walker Girl: What?

Me: I SAID YOU CAN'T ROB A BANK WEAPONLESS!

Dog-Walker Girl: WHO'S ROB BANKONLESS!?

Me: NEVER MIND!

Dog-Walker Girl: NO, IT'S SUPPOSED TO STORM TOMORROW!

Ugh. So annoying. I still can't get over that she wouldn't stop and talk to me, but the more pressing matter is that I should be safe from this Yevgeny character. I was going to request that the Philadelphia police assign three, perhaps four officers outside my house as a precaution, but that no longer seems necessary. Perhaps I'll ask for two cops.

But you know what? If all Yevgeny did was rob a bank, then who cares? He probably just wanted access to his brother, who's on death row. I think the real jerk here is apparent now:


1. FBI

Two reasons why the FBI is the real jerk. First, they shouldn't scare everyone half to death because of a stupid bank robber. When I saw the flier, I thought Yevgeny was a serial killer or a rapist. No one cares about bank robbers.

And second, they really should know better than to ask a neighborhood comprised of mostly Russians to turn someone, especially one of their own, into the authorities. That just shows complete ignorance.

Newsflash to any FBI agent who might be reading this: No Russian will ever contact you about this guy. Not in a million years. Russians don't trust any form of government, thanks to what happened in the communist USSR, so they'd prefer to keep things "in house." This is why every Russian you'll ever meet is Republican or Libertarian.

So, next time there's a bank robber or a candy-store thief on the run, don't kill a tree and make these useless fliers. And leave poor Yevgeny alone. His life is already ruined by that dumb "MAMA" tattoo on his back.







2. Aqua

The Yevgeny Lungin flier wasn't the only notice I've received lately. Some company called Aqua sent me a letter saying that they're going to be installing a "new transmission water main" on the main street right outside of my development. This thing will "increase service reliability and improve firefighting capabilities in the area."

I'm fine with that - until I read a sentence that said, "We will be closing Philmont Ave. on or around Oct. 8, 2012 during work hours." I was flabbergasted when I saw this. Philmont Ave. is the only way out of my development. I work at home, but how were others going to drive to their jobs if Philmont Ave. is closed? More importantly, what if I needed to make an emergency trip to Taco Bell? Would I be prohibited from doing so? Good God, these Aqua people are evil.

Aqua certainly got the "around" part of their tentative date correct because they started construction on Oct. 2. I discovered this as I tried driving to my sister's birthday dinner. They still allowed me to exit my development, but I had to take the long way around, so I arrived there in 15 minutes rather than five. I feared that the cheeseburger my parents potentially ordered for me would be cold, but they were waiting on me. Thank the gods.

As it turns out, Aqua didn't block my development, but they sealed in the next one over. Those poor people were not permitted to leave on three consecutive evenings. I only pray that the fat guys like me over there survived without the necessary trips to Taco Bell.





3. Broken Car Man and His Wife

Broken Car Man is a seemingly normal dude who lives five houses down from me. There are only three or four American households in the neighborhood, and he and I live in two of them. So, it's only natural that he'd confide in me, rather than the off-the-boat Russians, Asians and Native Americans.

I was walking to the mailbox one day when Broke Car Man stopped me to ask me a question.

Broken Car Man: Hey, did you see my car?

Me: No... why?

Broken Car Man: Take a look at it.

He pointed to his car, which was across the street for some reason. It was wrecked. The whole front was totaled.

Me: Whoa, when did this happen?

Broken Car Man: Last night, you din't see anybody drivin' fast around hmy'all did you?

Me: No. I didn't hear or see anything.

Broken Car Man: I'm tellin' ya man, it was dem Asians.

Broken Car Man pointed to a row of six houses, four of which were occupied by Asian families.

Me: Dem Asians? Which ones?

Broken Car Man: Dem Asians. Dem Asians over there.

Me: But four of those are Asian households. Which one in particular?

Broken Car Man: Does it really matter? Dem Asians broke my car, and now I'm gonna have to get it fixed!

Me: But how do you even know it was Asians who did this?

Broken Car Man: Because dem Asians are always makin' a dang ruckus every night and drivin' real fast in the neighborhood.

Asians drive really fast? And here I thought the stereotype was that Asian women were slow drivers. Are Asian men fast drivers? I don't think that's a valid stereotype. It's a known fact that Asian men are great at math and eat fried/baked/grilled/cooked cats, but drive fast? Not so sure about that one.

I left Broken Car Man to his delusions and went to get my mail. About a week later, I saw his wife, a short brunette in her early 30s, walking with her baby in a stroller. This happened to be the Wednesday after Labor Day. I remember that vividly because of our brief exchange:

Broken Car Woman: Hey, do you know when they're picking up our trash? It's Wednesday, but they haven't come yet.

Me: I think they're doing it on Thursday this week because of Labor Day.

Broken Car Woman: What does Labor Day have to do with it? That was on Monday. This is Wednesday!

Me: Well, I figure that the people whose trash is supposed to be picked up on Monday went on Tuesday, and then the Tuesday people went on Wednesday, and now we go on Thursday because of that.

As I was explaining this to her, I noticed that she was using the same tactic that Dog-Walker Girl pulled. As we were conversing, she was walking in the other direction even though she was the one who initiated.

Broken Car Woman: Oh, I guess that makes sense.

Me: Hey, did you ever find out who wrecked your husband's car?

Broken Car Woman: What?

Me: DID YOU EVER FIND OUT WHO WRECKED YOUR HUSBAND'S CAR!?

Broken Car Woman: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M GOING TO GET A SCAR!?

Me: NO I SAID CAR!

Broken Car Woman: NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE BAR, BUT THANKS FOR ASKING!

Seriously, what the hell? Why does no woman want to stand still and talk to me in this neighborhood? I have a girlfriend, and they have a husband or boyfriend, so it's not like I'm trying to game them or anything.

I've thought about it, and I've come up with three reasons why these women walk away while talking to me:

1. I'm so astonishingly handsome that they're worried their husband or boyfriend will get extremely jealous. The husband or boyfriend will then team up with Yevgeny Lungin to steal all the candy in my house. Unfortunately, I won't be able to ask the FBI for my help because no Russian in this neighborhood will be willing to assist me.

2. I'm so astonishingly smelly that they don't want to talk to me. I don't think I smell, but perhaps those damn Aqua pipes are messing with their olfactories. Hey, anything's possible. If these evil Aqua people kept fat people from eating Taco Bell, I'm sure they're capable of all sorts of atrocities.

3. They know I write this Jerks of the Week column, so they were desperately trying to avoid being written about. Well, looks like your plan failed, ladies! Muhahahahaha!

At any rate, I made a trip to Bottom Dollar on a recent Sunday morning. I bought pancakes at Wawa, but upon arriving back home, I quickly realized that the only syrup I had in my house expired over the summer.

Panicking, I quickly grabbed some money and sprinted to Bottom Dollar. And by "sprinted," I mean "walked sluggishly" because I am too fat to run.

I carried the syrup to the register. The cashier seemed confused about this because it was the only thing I was buying.

Cashier: Is this it?

I tried to answer her, but I was out of breath in the wake of my sluggish walk.

Me: Yes... bought... pancakes... Wawa... needed... syrup...

I paid for the syrup, but didn't have a bag to put it in because you need to bring bags with you to Bottom Dollar. In my haste, I forgot to do this, so I just carried the syrup back home.

As I turned the final corner while walking toward my house, I bumped into Broken Car Man and Broken Car Woman. They looked at me quizzically because I happened to be carrying a lone bottle of syrup.

Broken Car Man: So, maple syrup, eh?

Me: Yeah.

Broken Car Woman: I was wondering what you were carrying. It looked like soda from a distance.

Me: Nah, it's syrup.

Broken Car Man: So, do you just buy syrup often?

Me: Well... I brought pancakes from Wawa... and I didn't have syrup... and...

Broken Car Woman: Oh, OK. We understand.

Broken Car Woman said this sarcastically, but that wasn't my main focus at that moment. Not only was I still out of breath; I noticed that both Broken Car Man and Broken Car Woman stood their ground for once instead of walking away from me. I was pretty flabbergasted by this.

Me: I needed syrup... had no syrup... but wait, why aren't you guys... walking backward... you always walk away from me.

Broken Car Woman: What?

Me: You walked backward... then the other girl did the same thing... I didn't think anyone... wanted to... stand still and talk... to me...

Broken Car Man: You OK there, bud?

Me: Yeah... just surprised... and I needed syrup... for pancakes...

Broken Car Man: Sure, you did. It's all good man, we understand.

I once again picked up on the arcasm. Both Broken Car Man and Broken Car Woman looked at me strangely. In fact, it appeared as though Broken Car Man sensed I was up to something sinister. Perhaps he was thinking that I was the one who ruined his car.

Broken Car Man is an American, so if he truly believes this, he may report me to the police, which means the FBI may begin printing fliers with my picture and information. So, if you see any fliers saying that I'm "armed and dangerous," please don't turn me in. I'm just a fat man who wanted syrup for his pancakes.




More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - Oct, 27, 2014: Mario Lopez and Lily Adams
Jerks of the Week - Oct, 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
Jerks of the Week - Oct, 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
Jerks of the Week - Oct, 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Oct. 31


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 29


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


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