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Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012




Jerks of the Week for Oct. 8, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Samsung Galaxy S III

I'm not sure if you know this or not, but I like to make fun of people and various things on Jerks of the Week. Yes, it's true. One of these various things arecommercials. I had a Jerks of the Week entry recently where I poked fun at some creepy W.B. Mason ads that featured a mustachioed pervert who spied on kids in their clubhouse.

I delved into four of these W.B. Mason commercials, but I may have found the sketchiest one yet. Take a look.

OK, there are so many things wrong here. First, why is the mustachioed creeper just staring at the kids in the beginning of the ad? He's not saying anything; he's just observing for some strange reason. Weird. Second, why is he so eager to know what sort of pictures Dolly has in her binder? Is it because he has a binder at home with pictures of Dolly and the other kids? And third, why the hell is Dolly's "boyfriend" the W.B. Mason weirdo? Isn't that a little strange? It's not bad enough that he's just hanging around those kids, but now he's supposedly dating one of them.

Why is Dolly dating the W.B. Mason guy anyway? Sure, he's older and more mature, but doesn't she find it strange that he just peers into her clubhouse without saying anything? Then again, I don't blame her for not wanting to date the nerdy kid in the video. As for the black kid, meh, maybe she's just racist.

I'm bringing up the W.B. Mason campaign because it reminds me of perhaps the worst commercial of all time. It's a 90-second ad for the Samsung Galaxy S III where a bunch of a**holes are in line waiting for a phone. If you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about, as it's the longest commercial of all time. Here's the clip just in case you've been fortunate enough to avoid this ad.

Ugh. I hate everything about these commercial, from the premise to the characters in it. I just don't see what the hoopla is about phones. You talk on them, you text with them and you take pictures with them. And that's all they should do. I don't understand why phones need Internet and Facebook and Twitter and e-mail and games and music. All my phone does is call, text and take pictures - and I wasn't even too happy about the latter until I realized that I could use it to my advantage (more on this later).

My phone is four years old. It's the Samsung Juke. Whenever people see my phone, it's always the same exchange:

Person: OMG that phone is like so small OMG!

Me: Well your phone is like so big OMG!

Person: Na-uh I have like a normal phone! How do you like even see on there!?

Me: I see just fine. Go away.

It's so annoying - but not nearly as aggravating as the other aspect of the Samsung Galaxy S III commercial. Look, I know these people are just acting, but they most definitely represent real individuals I see around Philly, particularly downtown, where the artsy-fartsy new-age hippies live. They think they're so much better than everyone because they spend all of their money on Starbucks, try foreign cuisines and enjoy silent movies. I say f*** them.




Let's discuss most of the people in the commercial and why they piss me off:

Blond-haired girl at 0:02: I hate when girls wear bangs. Is it bangs or banks? I don't know. Whatever it is, I hate it. It looks terrible. I blame Zooey Deschanel for this. She's one of the few women who can pull bangs/banks off, yet millions of other females try to emulate her and fail miserably.

Oh, and speaking of Zooey, my friend and forum member Injured Reserve despises her. I'll never forget what he once said when he saw a New Girl ad: "If Satan had a daughter, her dog would be Zooey Deschanel."

Brown-haired girl at 0:13: "I heard the connector is even digital... what does that even mean? Hwa hwa hwa hwa!!!" If you don't know what it means, why are you in line for it like all of the other mindless a**holes? Seriously, just get a normal phone and avoid being in line for hours upon hours. A new phone isn't worth that.

Mexican guy at 0:18: This douche wants a priority line for those who have waited five times? You mean this isn't a one-time thing for this loser? You know what they should have for people who've waited five times? The guillotine.

Top Hat Girl at 0:24: That's a typical artsy-fartsy new-age hippie hat. No normal person wears something like that, but she thinks it makes her look unique as she spends her entire paycheck at Starbucks, creating crappy paintings and/or music.

Oh, and what the hell is an adaptor? My phone doesn't have an adaptor. You know why? Because it doesn't have useless junk on it like the Internet.

Jeff Cap Guy at 0:27: Another artsy-fartsy new-age hippie hat - and with artsy-fartsy new-age hippie glasses and a jacket to boot! If I had control of the guillotine, this guy would be my first victim.

Jeff Cap Suspenders Checkered Shirt Guy at 0:37: Wow. And I thought Jeff Cap Guy was bad. Jeff Cap Suspenders Checkered Shirt Guy is the artsiest-fartsiest newest-agest hippiest person I've ever seen. In fact, if there is some sort of church for artsy-fartsy new-age hippies - and it, of course, would not have anything in there to offend a single person on this planet - then there would be a statue of him in there. Indeed, he's a new-age artsy-fartsy hippie god.

Time for the guillotine? No. It wouldn't work. As the blade would collapse onto his neck, he would recite such a bad poem he wrote at Starbucks that the blade would burst into a million pieces. In order to defeat this abomination, you'd have to say racist jokes in front of him. Lots and lots of racist jokes. And gay jokes too. Can't forget those.

Heterosexually challenged phone touching at 0:44: Not that there's anything wrong with heterosexually challengingly touching your phones together. And ugh, "What'd you just do OMG OMG OMG!" Shut up, Zooey Deschanel wannabe. Go do something productive with your life rather than just wait in line for a stupid phone.

Mom and dad at 0:54: If you look closely enough, you can see the look of disappointment in their eyes, as they're staring at their failure of a son. "Thanks for holding our spot" is code for "You have nothing better to do with your life, so we appreciate you taking a break from your pointless time at Starbucks to save us a spot while we were actually being productive and making a difference in the world."

Sunglasses couple at 0:58: I know these young kids are in love. They're holding hands in the street which is cute. But do they really have to wear the same sunglasses? I mean, come on, that's pathetic. Why doesn't that guy just wear the same dress as his girlfriend while he's at it?

Picture creeper at 1:05: Why are these two hot chicks just allowing this guy to take pictures of them? I know a friend who once tried to take a picture of two hot chicks, but in response, they put a restraining order on him. It was a sad day for me. I mean him.

Afro guy at 1:07: I'm referring to the one asking, "Is that a Samsung?" standing next to yet another person wearing a Jeff cap. Doesn't he look like he just escaped a mental institution? I can only hope that he was locked away in there because of his habit of killing people wearing Jeff caps.

Nerd guy at 1:13: What the hell is 4G? Is that some type of other phone, or is it some sort of code to determine how good of a phone he has? If it's the latter, then I would say my phone is 9G because it only has text, calls and pictures.

Sunglasses guy at 1:19: You can share videos instantly? Whoo-dee-freaking-doo. Who the hell wants to share videos, let alone instantly? Unless it's a video of two chicks mud wrestling, I don't want to see your crappy videos.

And I don't want to see this crappy commercial anymore either. It's completely worthless. There's a reason I'm not standing in line, waiting for some stupid phone, so I sure as hell don't need 90 seconds of my life wasted watching people do the exact thing.





JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Random Phone Pictures

I mentioned earlier that my phone has a camera. I've always known this, but I just assumed it was worthless because my phone's so small. A small phone equals small pictures, right?

Well, to my surprise, my phone actually takes pictures very well. I can't actually see the pictures because my screen is so tiny, but if I send them to my e-mail address, they're much more visible.

I discovered this a couple of weeks ago, so I've been walking around, taking pictures of random things and people. Here are five of my favorite pictures:


1. Gabbert's Buttocks:

I saw this on ESPN's bottom line and had to capture it with my snazzy phone camera:



If you follow football, you know why this is funnier than it already is. Blaine Gabbert, quarterback of the Jacksonville Jaguars, is the most craven player at his position in the NFL. He's afraid to get hit and often closes his eyes when he throws the ball, as seen here:



So, with that in mind, is there any surprise that he somehow hurt his buttocks? I mean, not that there's anything wrong with hurting your buttocks after a wild night of man sex in a hotel room, but still - I don't think that ever kept Jeff Garcia out of a football game. Not that Garcia ever did that. No, I'm not implying that whatsoever. He has a hot wife, after all.


2. Flower Hat Lady:

I saw this woman at Neshaminy Mall. She had the most ridiculous hat of all time on her head - it was pink with a large flower on it. I snuck up behind her so she wouldn't see me.



I know what you're thinking - she must be an artsy-fartsy new-age hippie if she's wearing a hat like that. But I would say no. It seems like she's just a sad old lady whose only friends are the 13 cats in her house. Because she hasn't had a conversation with a human being in years, she doesn't know what's acceptable in society. She simply has no idea that her hat is the ugliest thing on the face of the planet.

It's sad, really. And ironic too - because she's wearing the same type of hat an artsy-fartsy new-age hippie would wear, yet she would never wait in line for a Samsung Galaxy S III because she'd have no one to call. Cats can't pick up the phone.


3. Electrial Closet:

My cousin had her family birthday dinner at a Chinese buffet a couple of Saturdays ago. I was looking forward to it because they were sure to have General Tso's Chicken. It's the only Chinese food I'll eat because A) it's delicious and B) all other Chinese food is disgusting. I mean, come on, no one wants to eat fried cats.

But yeah, General Tso's Chicken is awesome. I highly recommend it for anyone who hasn't tried it. I'm not even sure who General Tso is, but I'm a fan. Hey, even if he was a terrorist or a creepy guy like the W.B. Mason fellow who slept with lots of kids, I don't care. I can eat his chicken all day.

I scarfed down so much General Tso's Chicken at the party that I was in a food coma for an hour afterward. My sister's new boyfriend was trying to talk to me, but I didn't understand what was going on.

Sister's New Boyfriend: So, I heard you like to play old video games that you download on the Wii, like Mario and Sonic.

Me: Mario? Where?

Sister's New Boyfriend: On the Wii. Which ones do you have?

Me: Which ones of what?

Sister's New Boyfriend: The Mario games.

Me: Oh, I like those.

An hour and four glasses of Pepsi later, I was reenergized. I was able to converse again. More importantly, I was able to notice strange things again for Jerks of the Week purposes, including a very confusing sign on the closet:



Electrial Room? What the hell is an electrial room? I pointed this out to several people, including my mom, and they just laughed, thinking that the Chinese people who owned the buffet just misspelled "electrical."

I, however, have come to the conclusion that this is not a simple clerical error. There are three possibilities as to what goes on in the electrial room:

1. That's where they fry their cats. They like to keep this discrete, since us silly Americans tend to establish an emotional bond with felines.

2. This is where Chinese people vote. With November elections coming up, you can expect a long line of Chinese people waiting to access the electrial room.

3. This is where General Tso performs his strange, sexual acts. Again, I don't really care what he has or hasn't done as long as that man continues to produce his fine chicken.


4. Random, Lost Pictures on Street Road:

It saddens me to say that I lost two pictures because my phone didn't save them. I've since downgraded it from a 9G to an 8G.

The first was a bumper sticker on a mini-van. It said: "Stop Lyme Disease." Oh, that's cool. You don't want Lyme disease to continue? I mean, I was in favor of making sure Lyme disease reached everyone in the entire American population, but your bumper sticker swayed me. I'm now in favor of eliminating Lyme disease.

The second was the electronic sign in front of my new gym. It normally says stuff like, "Join now, 20 percent off memberships!" or something of that nature. On this particular day, it said, "Have your next affair here!"

Whoa. All this time, I had no idea that my new gym was just a front for an establishment that promotes married people to have casual sex with others. No wonder the Girl with the Arm Tattoo wanted to roofie me.


5. Red Top Hat Girl:

I've written about some very strange people over the years, but this just might be the weirdest one yet. I was driving home when I saw this unbelievably fat, black chick wearing a short, gray dress and a red top hat. It was like something out of a cartoon. I had to take a photo, otherwise you wouldn't believe me:



What the hell is that? Seriously, what in the hell is that? Why is a fat, black chick wearing a short, gray dress and a red top hat? What is she doing just standing there on the side of the road? And why does she menacingly have her hands on her hips like that? She looked extremely angry when I passed by, which did not surprise me. I mean, if I looked like that and wore that type of a crazy outfit, I'd be mad at the world as well.

And that's when it dawned on me - she's one of the artsy-fartsy new-age hippies featured in that Samsung Galaxy S III commercial. Only one of them would wear a hat like that, and she was mad because she was late getting downtown, meaning she'd have to wait in the back of the line for that stupid phone.

I'd chide her for not having the foresight to pay/threaten a nerd to save her a spot, but after putting on that dress and donning that hat, it was only the third dumbest thing she did that day.




More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Sept. 30


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 20


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


NFL Free Agents





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