This is technically the first Jerks of the Year entry for 2016, but it's really the final one for 2015. That's because I haven't declared a Jerk of the Year yet.
Why haven't I? Well, to be honest, I thought I already had. Facebook friend Luke T. posted the following on my wall on New Year's Day:
I replied that Jerry Jackson was Jerk of the Year, but when Luke responded that he wasn't, I checked back, and to my utter astonishment, I realized that Jerry Jackson was dubbed a plain old Jerk of the Week.
Jerry Jackson should have definitely received Jerk of the Year honors. If you didn't read that entry, check it out. Some moron who works at Starbucks created a fake identity on Facebook just to harass me. If maliciously trolling wasn't pathetic enough already, Jerry Photoshopped a picture of his face onto a portrait of a male body builder. Once someone else exposed this, Jerry scrambled to come up with a lie, ultimately stating that he happened to be friends with this body builder. Yeah, that made a lot of sense, since we all Photoshop our faces onto the bodies of our best friends. That's a super normal thing to do.
Jerry disappeared once I threatened to expose his real identity. You see, some of his Facebook friends happen to be friends with close friends of mine, so I told Jerry I would leak his entire identity so that he would never obtain employment beyond being a Starbucks barista. A typical coward, he vanished.
I thought that would be the last of Jerry, but because I was picking poorly earlier in the year, Jerry popped up on my Facebook wall a couple of times. He then sent me this very cryptic message:
Uhh... umm... lolz... what the hell does that mean? "Slay your fat pig schlong?" Why is he calling my wang a "fat pig?" And why would I slay it? Sadly, none of that is the weirdest part. That would be when he wishes best of luck (BOL) to my penis.
I guess I can't really say that I'm surprised that Jerry is a sort of disturbed individual who is obsessed with my manhood, but I suppose this can confirm it? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm supposed to slay my schlong when he's saying good luck to it and calling it a fat pig at the same time.
Yeah, I'm just as perplexed as you are.
So, what happened? Well, Jerry Jackson, in his typical cowardly fashion, blocked me again so that I couldn't even reply to him. How am I supposed to inform him whether I slew my fat pig schlong or not? How!?
I can't retroactively name Jerry Jackson Jerk of the Year and just move on to 2016 posts. That would just feel like a copout. Instead, I'm going to discuss five people who pissed me off the most in 2015.
Before I begin, as a rule, I won't write about anyone I've mentioned already. So, while the a**hole who vandalized my gym pool, and Adam Levine, who puked in my bed, and the weird lifeguard who took pictures of me to perhaps finger herself to later deserve mention as Jerks of the Year, this is going to be brand new material instead of some stupid clip show like Seinfeld tried to pull off every tenth episode or so.
5. Chip Kelly:
I live in Philly - or rather, a block away from it in order to avoid the city's horrific business tax - so people often wonder if I'm a fan of the Eagles. I'm not whatsoever. In fact, I hated the Eagles when they brought in QB Dog Killer. I removed myself from liking any football team so I could remain unbiased with my picks. Not that the strategy has been working or anything.
Having said that, my hatred for the Eagles carried over into the Chip Kelly era. I don't know why, but I just didn't like him. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but perhaps it was the smugness, or maybe it was the shape of his face, or it could have been his squinty little eyes or his rapid speech or spherical figure. Something about him irritated me.
Then again, maybe it had to do with how people in this city responded to him. I swear, if I stepped outside my house - granted, an uncommon feat because I'm a recluse - all I'd hear were shouts of "Chiiiip!" "Chiiiiiiiiiiip!" "Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip!"
I wanted to strangle these people, or maybe even slay their schlongs, but I couldn't ever locate them. There would just be a**holes shouting Chip Kelly's first name randomly. I eventually referred to these morons as Chip Drones.
I never understood the infatuation with Kelly. He had never coached in the NFL before, and he was arrogant enough to think that his system could trump what sort of personnel he had on the football field. That has never worked ever in this history of the league. And yet he was suddenly going to change things? Why did people think that this was going to happen?
Alas, Kelly was a major failure in Philadelphia and was promptly fired after three years. My dad was one of these people who loved Kelly - as recently as September - but he quickly turned on him, as did everyone else in this city. I'll never forget what my dad said about Kelly upon hearing that he was fired:
"It's my dream. I hate his face. He always has his damn tongue out. I thought Andy Reid was bad, but he's an angel compared to him."
I laughed, but wasn't surprised to hear my dad have this particular take on Kelly. As a Hall of Fame running back once said, "The apple do not fall far from the orange."
4. Pineapple Guy:
Something I forgot to mention in my Christmas Shopping Jerks entry was that I went into H&M to buy a gift card for my girlfriend. It's typically her first stop whenever we go to Neshaminy Mall. Then again, that might be because it's near the food court, and the food court is my first stop whenever we go to Neshaminy Mall.
The cashier behind this counter was oddly dressed. He had this tight black shirt on, which looked weird because he had no muscles. He also was wearing short shorts even though it was the middle of winter. The shorts resembled what bikers would wear, only they were shorter.
Here's what our conversation was like, and no, I'm not exaggerating this:
H&M Guy: Ooohh, a gift card, who ith thith for?
Me: My girlfriend.
H&M Guy: Ooohh, fabulouth! Fabuloth!
Me: I guess.
H&M Guy: You're thuch a great boyfriend, you thould buy thomething for yourthelf!
Me: I already did, I was at the collectibles store and I...
H&M Guy: I have an idea for you! You thould buy thith thaving green, it'th pineapple flavor, it'th tho fabulouth!
Me: Pineapple shaving cream?
H&M Guy: Oh yeth! It'th tho fabuloth! It thmellth jutht like pineappleth, it'th tho fabuloth! Fabuloth!
This guy kept ranting and raving about this pineapple shaving cream. He told me the name of it, but I forgot because I just didn't care.
I wasn't rude, but I should've replied: "Dude, do I look like I would need pineapple thaving, I mean shaving cream? I'm a fat dude who eats multiple lunches per day, and I dress in a hoodie and pajama pants wherever I go. There's no way in hell I'm ever going to use pineapple thaving, I mean shaving cream, and there's no way in hell I'd ever take advice from someone wearing gay biker shorts! Not that there's anything wrong with that!"
I didn't say that, however, as one of the rules in life is that you never insult a gay biker. Otherwise, his gay biker gang will kidnap you and slay your a**hole with their schlongs. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
3. Larry Culpepper:
Speaking of guys wearing short shorts, Dr. Pepper has been airing a particular ad campaign for two years now. It features some weirdo with a Captain Kangaroo haircut and short shorts telling everyone that he invented the college football playoff. Here's a sample for those of you who haven't seen it:
This commercial itself isn't terrible, but imagine watching football and seeing this Larry Culpepper guy on your TV every time the game cuts to a break. It actually wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't wearing such short shorts. I feel like there are only three groups of people who are allowed to wear shorts that short:
Fat gym teachers who can't find longer shorts because they are so fat
Larry Culpepper falls under one category once we eliminate the other two. He doesn't look like a fat gym teacher at all because he's not fat. He also doesn't appear to be a gay biker; otherwise, he'd be talking about pineapple shaving cream instead of the college football playoff.
2. Matthew McConaughey:
If you've been living under a rock, I envy you. Because that means you haven't seen any of Matthew McConaughey's Lincoln commercials. Here are two samples:
I don't get it. I just don't get any of it. From the obvious things to why McConaughey simply turned around when he saw a bull blocking his path. Couldn't he have, I don't know, honked his horn or drove around it? Like, that's a hell of an excuse, right? What if you don't show up to work one day and tell your boss that a bull was blocking your path so you went home? But instead of just saying that, you went, "Ol' Cyrus... got in my way... I was not meant to take that road... Was not meant to go 'round Ol' Cyrus..."
Not only would you be fired on the spot, but you'd be committed to a mental hospital.
I also don't get the big picture either. Like, why do people think McConaughey is a good actor? All he does is talk softly and say existential things that don't make any sense. I feel like anyone could do that.
I'm glad I'm not the only person who feels this way about McConaughey. South Park did a parody of these commercials last year:
Anyway, I could go on and on about McConaughey, but I think I'll save it for a much longer Jerks entry. Let's just get to the No. 1 Jerk of the Year:
1. PC Idiots:
South Park has been on top of criticizing all of the a**holes recently, and their theme this past season was berating all of the PC Idiots who make life miserable for the rest of us normal individuals who actually have a sense of humor. I was hoping that bringing how much PC Idiots suck to light would make most of them go away, but their group seems to double in size each year.
Want to know if you're a PC Idiot or not? Take a look at this picture and tell me what you see:
Laughed: Congratulations! You're not a PC Idiot! You have a great sense of humor, and most people like you!
Shrugged your shoulders: Congratulations! You're not a PC Idiot! You may not have a great sense of humor, but at least you are a normal human being.
Felt appalled that a newspaper would write such a thing: F*** YOU, PC IDIOT, GET THE F*** OFF THIS SITE!
I'm serious. PC Idiots are an abomination. They're a blight on western civilization. They drain all the fun out of everything, and they want to drag everyone down with them into their horrible, miserable existence.
The headline is funny. Jared Fogle, who once peddled Footlongs for Subway, will now be getting boinked up the a**hole with a foot long in prison. It's a great play on words, and it's obviously great karmic justice for Fogle, who was convicted of raping young girls. He ruined the lives of these girls, so what better punishment is there than having a giant black guy named Bubba slaying Fogle's butt hole with his fat pig schlong? BOL to your butt, Fogle.
So, why do I bring this up? When the New York Post released this headline, countless PC idiots on Twitter whined and moaned. I won't tell you what they said. Instead, I'll show you.
The first thing I saw was when someone named Charles M. Blow tweeted the headline with his thought above it:
I thought that someone named "Charles M. Blow" might just be a troll account, and I bet you may have thought the same thing. Rest assured, there are real morons who were offended by this:
Want to know how to spot a PC Idiot? Upon hearing any sort of joke, regardless of whether it's funny or not, they'll use the words "juvenile," or "tasteless," or "immature" because they are miserable and don't understand humor. PC Idiot Chris Walker used all three. Congrats on hitting the trifecta, you douche!
And then there's Njean Curl, whatever the hell that means. A "character assassination?" Really? The New York Post is "assassinating" the character of a convicted child rapist, and you're concerned that they're assassinating his character? What the hell is wrong with you? Like, seriously. I mean, all your friends knew you were a demented PC Idiot when you couldn't come up with anything better than Njean Curl as your Twitter handle, but this is outrageous.
Here's another sign of a PC Idiot:
Saying someone is a "16-year-old" or a "12-year-old" or whatever is definitely the mark of a PC Idiot. If there's a PC Idiot reading this right now, I imagine them snorting, "This tasteless, immature article is written by a juvenile 16-year-old raahhhh!" And they're shouting this while shoving tofu up their a**hole. Because that's what PC Idiots do. They shove international cuisine up their a**holes.
And yes, there is something wrong with that.
Here's one more:
PC Idiots will always say something isn't a "laughing matter." Umm... yeah, it is. Prison rape has been and always will be a running joke. You know why? Because bad people go to prison. And if someone is bad, they deserve to get raped in the showers. Otherwise, they'll keep doing bad things. This is the point of prison. To punish those who are bad. I don't get how PC Idiots don't understand this, but then again, they are the ones inserting tofu into their butts.
"Rahhhh this juvenile, immature 12-year-old keeps saying we put stuff in our butts, that's totally tasteless but kind of true, rahhhh!"
Is that a great impression of a PC Idiot, or what?
Anyway, in summary, Chip Kelly, Pineapple Guy, Larry Culpepper, Matthew McConaughey and PC Idiots deserve Jerk of the Year honors. However, I'm still going to give it to Jerry Jackson, who is truly one of a kind.
Jerry, if you're reading this, congratulations. And no, my fat pig schlong has not been slain yet. Looks like your good-luck wish worked.