A few weeks ago, I talked about my disdain for state drinking laws and their decision to have bars close at 2 or earlier, especially on holidays. Well, e-mailer Craig H. reminded me of something that I unfortunately take for granted:
"On New Year's Eve, we got a hotel room in Conshohocken (right near Philly), and planned to go to the bars in Manayunk. After dinner, I told my girlfriend that I wanted to get alcohol for the night, and asked where the closest grocery store was so that we could get booze. I wanted beer, while she wanted vodka, with a Sprite mixer. She informed me that we had to go to a Wine & Spirits for her Vodka, a Wawa for her Sprite, and to a Beer Distributor for my Miller Lite.
I couldn't believe my ears. How in the hell do you Pennsylvania natives put up with this every day?? Going to 3 different places to get your 3 party essentials is absolutely ridiculous. Whoever is responsible for this madness needs to be your next Jerk of the Week."
If you didn't read that right, in the state of Pennsylvania, no store is allowed to sell both beer and liquor. If you want liquor, you have to go to Wine and Spirits shop. If you want beer, you have to go to a beer distributor. And if you want mixers, you have to go elsewhere.
It sucks, but it's not a huge deal, right? You're thinking it's just some extra gas money, correct? Well, not quite. Two things:
First, all the liquor is severely overpriced at these Wine and Spirits stores. I can't tell you specifics, but when my cousin buys alcohol for parties at his house, he makes the trip all the way to New Jersey. He tells me that even with the money he spends on gas, he still saves tons of cash buying the liquor out of state.
And second, the people who work in these PA Wine and Spirits stores all suck. They're either emotionless pod people, or they complete douche bags.
This one guy at the local PA Wine and Spirits has never smiled or frowned in all the years I've been going there. I've never even heard him utter a word except for, "I need to see your ID." I must have gone in there five billion times, and he always needs to see my ID. You'd think he would remember me by now. Hell, the guy at the beer distributor not only recognizes me; he knows my name and asks me how my Web site is doing (he better - I've pretty much put his kids through school).
Meanwhile, the fat, black lady at the Wine and Spirits is the douche. One day, I was standing in line when she opened her register.
"Next in line, please!" she yelled.
I wasn't next in line. The old man in front of me was. But he wasn't paying attention. In fact, it looked like he was drooling.
"Next in line, please!" she shrieked again.
The old man still didn't react, so I stepped forward. The fat black lady put her hands on her hips and shook her head.
"Boy, are you next in line? You're not next in line."
Meanwhile, the old man who finally stopped drooling, looked around and finally realized that he was the next person in line. By the time this happened, he was due up in our line, yet chose to walk toward the fat black lady instead.
If you're thinking about moving to Pennsylvania - don't. Once you begin shopping for liquor, you'll be berated by fat black ladies and abducted by emotionless pod people.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Punt, Pass and Kick Competition
Everyone has dreadful moments in their lives that they can't avoid. These things come back to haunt us every year, and they change as we grow older.
When you're a kid, you loathe going to the dentist.
When you're in middle school or high school, you dread the day your once-eternal summer vacation ends.
When you're an alcoholic college student, you hate the bouncer who forces you to leave your favorite bar after last call.
When you graduate college, you try to avoid finding a job as long as possible so you can sit at home in your pajamas and eat Doritos all day.
When you're older, you loathe the idea of having to see your doctor about your erectile dysfunction (though as the Viagra commercials have shown us, this can be a cheery experience.)
I cover the NFL for a living, so I have a separate yearly instance that haunts my dreams - the annual announcement of the Punt, Pass and Kick winners.
For those unfamiliar, the NFL interrupts the final game of the second round of the playoffs each year to announce the eight kids - four boys, four girls - who won their stupid competition. Sounds harmless, I know, but you wouldn't understand unless you've watched it before. I summarized it on this Web site for the first time three years ago:
Does anyone agree with me that the announcement of the winners of the punt-pass-kick competition is the most dreaded moment of the year? First of all, they stop the game to do this. Secondly, no one in the stands cares, so all of the kids get booed. And finally, half the kids look like they don't want to be there, while the others just stare into space with goofy-looking expressions on their faces. Horrible - just horrible.
A year later, I made another comment:
I have to mention that I completely spazzed out and started yelling incoherently after the third quarter. Why? Only the worst part of every football season - the moment they announce the winners of the Punt-Pass-Kick Competition. I never understood why the NFL needs to announce who these kids are. Does anyone really have to know? Does anyone even care? I'm always shocked the drunk fans in the stands don't throw beer bottles at them.
Could you imagine if the NFL announced the winners in Philadelphia? Philly fans have booed Santa Claus in the past. Imagine what they'd do to these kids. The kids who would avoid suffering physical damage from the beer bottles and ice balls would undoubtedly incur the same emotional damage as an assault victim. For the rest of their lives, they'd walk around everywhere, expecting to get booed by random people. It would be glorious.
In 2008, I had this to say:
Speaking of being frustrated, how horrible was that stupid "Punt, Pass and Kick" presentation during one of the games? I swear, I wanted to shoot myself. Just check out my post from the Live In-Games Thread if you don't believe me:
"Oh no... Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT THE PUNT, PASS AND KICK WINNERS OH GOD NOOOO!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!"
The worst thing is, the fans at the stadium actually cheered these kids. I forget which fans did this because I blocked it out of my memory, but whoever you fans are, what's wrong with you? If the NFL pulled this stunt in Europe, the people in the bleachers would have thrown flares at the kids.
Flares and beer bottles are both good. Wait - how about flares in beer bottles? Quick, someone alert the home crowd that will be hearing this damn announcement next year!
Two weeks ago, we were all once again subjected to this horrific event. Here's what I wrote during the Live In-Games Thread:
Please don't do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wasn't alone. Dozens of forum members joined me in bashing these kids:
PiazzaJordan2: "WTF. Lol The Girl In The Packers Jersey just checked out that little guys a**. LOL."
Wraith36444: "Not this garbage. WHO F***ING CARES? This is worse than watching Rivers implode."
Sanchez: "Jeez what is this crap"
Preston627: "Congrats Asyia, Harrison, Brooklyn, Micah, Alexandra, Matt, Carissa and Chad! Now get the **** off my field. I wanna watch football dammit!"
MaybeOaklandWontSuck1Day: "That Carissa Miller chick looks like my uncle."
This is proof that these kids are perverts and look like uncles. I told you this thing was dreadful.
Here's how I would improve this annual event:
1. Replace these kids with hot women.
2. Instead of making these hot women don football jerseys, I'd have them wear bikinis.
3. Rather than announcing winners, I'd have the women wrestle each other.
Now, tell me, would you rather watch that or Jim Nantz announce who won the 12-year-old kicking competition? Yeah, I thought so.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: NFL Play 60 Commercials
To eliminate these stupid Punt, Pass and Kick announcements (or replace them with my bikini wrestling idea), we have to get to the root of the problem. I Googled that contest, and it took me to a Web site called NFLYouthFootball.com.
This site looked harmless at first glance to me, but then I realized that they are responsible for those horrible NFL Play 60 commercials. If you haven't seen them, here's one:
Help! A big black man is kidnapping a helpless child! Oh wait, that's just Mario Williams... and he's playing with some random kid... yeah, not weird at all... That kid is obviously just following Cartman's plan to become friends with older, more "mature" people. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
By the way, I like how the announcer guy said, "The NFL and United Way are committed to doing something about childhood obesity." As he finishes this sentence, Williams kidnaps the young boy.
Translation: "To stop childhood obesity, all children must be kidnapped! Muahahaha!"
Now, there's nothing wrong with the first half of the commercial. Obama's just playing football with Drew Brees and Troy Polamalu. I mean, there's a war going on in Iraq; our economy is in shambles; and college football still doesn't have a playoff. But those things aren't important because our president has to play a football game!
If that's not bad enough, check out the 52-second mark of this video. What the hell is Obama doing with the football? Shouldn't he be running down the field and trying to score a touchdown? Why is he lofting the ball in the air like that?
Now, keep watching the video. At the 1:05 mark, you can finally tell what Obama's doing with the football - he's throwing it to a little girl. Awww, that's nice - BUT THAT'S ALSO AN ILLEGAL FORWARD PASS! That's a 5-yard penalty and the loss of a down. Someone, throw a red flag so we can challenge this play!
I'm really concerned here. Why does our president not know the rules of football? Is he some communist spy? Is he involved with Mario Williams in this evil plan to kidnap all the children to stop childhood obesity?
Obama's platform was "change," and apparently we're getting change. If you have a kid, be prepared to give him/her up in an attempt to prevent childhood obesity.