JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady
I've been watching countless hours of college basketball to prepare for the 2010 NCAA Tournament. As a degenerate gambler, I'm determined to win money this March.
The only time this past week I hadn't watched any college hoops was on Friday afternoon. Around 2:30 p.m., my Comcast cable went out. However, instead of a black screen, the TV automatically switched to the QVC Network and my cable box read "EAS."
I couldn't change the channel. I tried everything. Pressing the buttons on the remote did nothing. Smashing the buttons on the cable box did nothing. Praying to God, Jesus and Tim Tebow did nothing.
Calling Comcast didn't work either. I couldn't get through. Once I pushed all of Comcast's stupid buttons ("please press '1' if you speak English," etc.) the operator lady kept saying, "We're sorry we can't connect your call at this time." I guess those Verizon commercials are right - Comcast service people must be weird, older, red-bearded recluses who download kiddie porn and stalk their next-door neighbors.
Once my fourth call to Comcast fell through, I had the option of watching QVC and hoping college basketball would come on, or doing something horrible like going to the gym and exercising. QVC it was!
QVC was currently airing some infomercial where two people were selling flowers and plants. These two people were complete weirdos. One was this fat woman who looked like she wanted to eat all of the plants. The other was a guy named Phillip who was wearing a tight, bright orange shirt. He kept saying stuff like, "These plants are handsome," and "That flower is so hot." Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Here's what this infomercial sounded like:
Phillip: There's the queen Alexander.
Fat Flower Lady: MORE LIKE QUEEN YUM YUM
Phillip: That's so handsome. I have that in my garden.
Fat Flower Lady: CAN ME EAT SOME FLOWER IN YOUR GARDEN?
Phillip: That's the Cottage Farms Purple Laceleaf. That's hot.
Fat Flower Lady: *drools*
Phillip: The dark colors draw your eyes to this because the lighter colors are somewhat pastel.
Fat Flower Lady: BELLY EMPTY. CAN ME EAT PASTEL?
Phillip: Look at that beautiful pesto, it's a great companion.
Fat Flower Lady: PESTO MAKE STOMACH GROWL.
Phillip: It's really heavenly. That's so hot.
Those were Phillip's actual quotes. After watching this for a few minutes and realizing how comical it was, I decided to write down what he was saying. And of course the Fat Flower Lady wasn't actually talking like Sally Struthers; she spent the entire time kissing Phillip's a**, telling the audience that he wrote a book and praising him for being the best thing since lesbian porn.
Once in a while, an old lady called in. Here's what that sounded like:
Fat Flower Lady: WE HAVE DORIS ON THE LINE. HELLO DORIS, DO YOU HAVE FOOD FOR ME?
Phillip: Hello Doris, how are you doing on this glorious day?
Random Old Lady: Heeelllo shonny. Iiii have aaa ggarrrden.
Fat Flower Lady: CAN ME EAT SOME FLOWER IN YOUR GARDEN?
Random Old Lady: Iii juust mmovveed too Orreggoon from Pennsylllvaanniiaaa.
Random Old Lady: Nooowww the deeerrr can't eeeaatt mmmmyyy plaannttssss.
Phillip: Oh those handsome deer always find a way to ruin a beautiful garden!
Fat Flower Lady: BEST WAY TO GET RID OF DEER IS TO EAT DEER WITH A1 SAUCE AND KETCHUP.
Random Old Lady: Heeelllo shonny. Iii juust mmovveed too Orreggoon from Pennsylllvaanniiaaa.
Just when this infomercial was just about to get good - the Fat Flower Lady was leaning in toward Phillip and looked like she was about to bite off his hand - the TV switched back to college basketball.
What happened to these people? Did Phillip survive the Fat Flower Lady's appetite? Did Phillip sell all of his "handsome" and "hot" flowers? Did the Random Old Lady remember what year it was? I guess we'll never know.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie
While we're on the subject of college basketball, I wanted to address something that e-mailer David P. sent over to me.
There's an ESPN college basketball analyst named Doug Gottlieb. Gottlieb was doing a Kansas-Nebraska game earlier in the year when a small skirmish broke out between a few players, including Nebraska's Cookie Miller. As you can see in this video, Gottlieb calls Cookie a "punk" after Cookie made an a** out of himself.
This did not sit well with Cookie's father - who is comically named Big Cookie. That's not a joke. His name really is Big Cookie.
Big Cookie said that he wants Gottlieb to apologize because "family members and young children were watching the broadcast."
I don't know where to start. There are just way too many things to make fun of here:
1. What are the odds that upon hearing a story involving people named "Cookie" and "Big Cookie," Rosie O'Donnell hungrily hopped on a plane and flew to ESPN headquarters to ask Gottlieb where she could find these individuals?
2. I'm not surprised that Big Cookie is an angry man. Can you imagine how difficult his life has been with his name? If you're working at a pizza place and a potential customer on the phone places an order under the name "Big Cookie," you're either not taking him seriously or crapping in his food, right?
3. Big Cookie is mad because his son was berated in front of young children? What young child is watching a Kansas-Nebraska regular-season game? And I would think hearing that people are named "Cookie" and "Big Cookie" would be even more detrimental to these "young children." What if these young children grow up and name their kids "Cookie" and "Big Cookie?" This means that there will be tons of people in pizza parlors crapping in lots of food.
4. As Emmitt would say, "Do not throw stone from your brick house." Gottlieb calling Cookie Miller a punk is like Osama bin Laden calling QB Dog Killer a "dishonorable gentleman." For those of you who don't know about Gottlieb, he was thrown out of Notre Dame because he stole credit cards from his roommate.
Cookie Miller might be a punk, but at least he's not a thief. Cookie Miller should, however, consider changing his name - because, you know, all of these "young children" are obviously paying attention.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: If I Were President...
Back in college, I used to write long AIM away messages, which were actually abbreviated versions of these Jerks of the Week. I have them all archived, and I'll share them eventually.
One thing I used to do was to convince people that I should be President of the United States. I'd promise great things like no taxes, the elimination of feminism and great weather. I'm shocked no one voted for me.
I came up with three new things I would do if I were President of the United States...
1. Banish the NCAA Selection Committee Members to a Deserted Island: Some of you reading this may not be into college basketball, so let me make this really simple for you:
There are two teams, Team A and Team B. A committee has to choose between the two as a final entrant in their tournament. Both squads are playing hours before the committee has to finalize things, so they both obviously need to win.
Team A takes on one of the top teams in the country. They take the game into overtime, though they should have won because the referees screwed up. Team A ends up losing to this awesome opponent by one point.
Team B battles another very good team (but not as talented as the one Team A faced). Despite being in a must-win situation, Team B loses by 29 points!
So, you tell me - which team do you pick? Logic states Team A, right? It does. And that's why the idiots of the NCAA Selection Committee chose Team B. Fail. Now you see why they have to be banished to a deserted island (preferably one with polar bears, a black smoke monster, and a**holes named Nikki and Paulo.)
2. Chance Daylight Savings Time: Tired of moving your clock ahead and losing an hour each spring? You're not alone. Here's what I propose:
Instead of this fall backward, spring forward crap, I say we fall backward and spring backward. If I'm President of the United States, I'll make it so that we move our clocks back an hour in the fall AND spring. How awesome would that be? If you don't like this idea, you are a communist.
3. Sentence All Birds to Life in Prison: OK, so we moved our clocks forward an hour Saturday night. I was busy working on my 2010 NCAA Tournament stuff, so I didn't get to bed until late. Now, if this were a normal day, it still would have been dark. However, it was 6:30 a.m. instead of 5:30 a.m., which meant that the sun was rising and the birds were chirping. I consequently had trouble getting to sleep amid all of that stupid noise.
Eating birds is fun, so we can't eliminate them completely. If I were President of the United States, I would spend millions and billions of dollars to eliminate bird chirping. I'd hire bird experts to capture these annoying birds and throw them into prison.
Ha! I doubt these birds would continue to chirp once a 400-pound black man named Bubba drops his bar of soap and forces them to pick it up.