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Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010




Jerks of the Week for Nov. 15, 2010


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Swipe Card Woman

Given all the jerks I've written about from my gym, you'd think they would pay me to be a member there. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

I've been paying for a membership for about 13 years now. So, why do I go there? It's the only gym in the area that has a pool. Plus, everyone knows me there - from the random hot chicks who work the front desk, to the employees, to the shady Russian people walking around naked in the locker room.

Well, almost everyone.

The lady who seems to be in charge of the gym is this Russian woman in her early 40s. She would actually be hot for her age if she didn't have this weird elven haircut. I'd ask her if she ever auditioned for Lord of the Rings, but she'd probably suspend my membership. She's that anally strict.

About a year ago, I was talking to one of the random hot chicks at the front desk. I forget what I was saying, but it was probably something cool. Anyway, Swipe Card Woman - you'll see why I call her this later - came over and destroyed my game.

Swipe Card Woman: You not suppose to be talk to man!

Hot Desk Chick: I'm sorry!

Swipe Card Woman: Iz OK. Now, I have paper, I say, you write down for me.

Swipe Card Woman began spewing out random Russian words, and poor Hot Desk Chick had to translate them into English. I really wanted to talk to this girl, so I pretended to text someone until Swipe Card Woman finished and went away. Unfortunately, this went on for 10 minutes - seriously, it was like the freaking Russian Bill of Rights - so I eventually just gave up and went home.

Now, this was just an isolated incident a while ago that I never mentioned because I needed more material on her. I finally got it two weeks ago.

I usually walk into the gym without swiping my ID, because like I said, everyone knows me there. I don't even bring my ID card anymore.

Two Thursdays ago, I walked by the front desk and said hi to the older woman who works there in the afternoon (the hot chicks are only there in the evenings.) Swipe Card Woman, however, stopped me.

Swipe Card Woman: You have card?

Me: Yeah, but I forgot it at home.

Swipe Card Woman: You membership?

Me: Yes. Well, I actually advertise downstairs.

Swipe Card Woman: I no understand.

Me: I have a sign downstairs above the basketball court.

Swipe Card Woman: I no understand. Please give name.

Ugh. So, I gave Swipe Card Woman my name. She looked it up in the computer, confirmed that I'm a member, and let me in.

The following day, she was behind the counter yet again. I said "hi" to her, but she wouldn't buzz me in.

Swipe Card Woman: Please svipe card.

Me: What?

Swipe Card Woman: Please svipe card.

Me: But you know I'm a member here. You looked me up in the computer yesterday.

Swipe Card Woman: Please svipe card.

Me: But I advertise here.

Swipe Card Woman: Please svipe card.

Me: But...

Swipe Card Woman: Please svipe card.

Me: But I don't have my card!

Swipe Card Woman: Please give name. I vill look in computer.

You've gotta be f***ing kidding me. Swipe Card Woman repeated the same process and re-confirmed that I'm a member.

I swear, one of these days I'm going to join another gym. I can live with the fat women in the pool who want to eat me, and the old men who walk around the locker room with their balls flopping everywhere, but I can't tolerate this stupid elf woman ruining my game and actually forcing me to bring my gym ID.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Angry Hockey Man

Three weeks ago, I wrote about No Space Man. A quick recap:

  • No Space Man was given this nickname because his best friend disinvited him from a birthday party because there was "no space" for him.

  • No Space Man blatantly lied to me about how many laps he did in the pool; we both got in at the same time, and I lapped him about 10 times, yet he claimed he swam just as much as I did.

  • He invited himself to the movies with me. I gave him the wrong time on purpose. Muhahahaha.

    At any rate, I saw No Space Man a few days ago. He didn't bring up the movie incident, so maybe he found something better to do (yeah, right). Instead, he initiated a brief conversation:

    No Space Man: Are you going swimming?

    Me: Yup. Gonna try to do a mile today.

    No Space Man: Oh. I finished swimming, but I didn't count how many laps I did.

    I thought nothing of it. I completed my mile and wandered back into the locker room after my workout. No Space Man, for whatever reason, was still there.

    Me: You're still here?

    No Space Man: Yeah. How many laps did you do?

    Me: A mile.

    No Space Man: That's how much I did!

    Liar! A half hour ago, you told me that you didn't count!

    I was about to call out No Space Man for lying yet again, but I was interrupted. This maniac - a guy in his mid-50s with tattoos all over his arms - was yelling at the top of his lungs.

    Angry Hockey Man: YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOCKEY!!! YOU DON'T KNOW S*** ABOUT HOCKEY!!!

    I looked over, and Angry Hockey Man was yelling at a pair of Russian dudes in their early 30s.

    Angry Hockey Man: RUSSIANS ALWAYS THINK THEY KNOW ABOUT HOCKEY!!! RUSSIANS KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HOCKEY!!!

    The two Russian dudes were trying to hold in their laughter, but Angry Hockey Man didn't seem to notice.

    Angry Hockey Man: I ALMOST PLAYED IN THE NHL ONE TIME!!! AND YOU DON'T KNOW S*** ABOUT HOCKEY!!!

    You "almost" played in the NHL "one time?" What the hell does that mean?

    Angry Hockey Man: RUSSIANS ALWAYS THINK HOCKEY WAS INVENTED IN MOSCOW OR SOME S***!!! BUT HOCKEY WAS INVENTED HERE IN AMERICA!!!

    Umm... I think you are wrong, Angry Hockey Man. At this point, the two Russian dudes both had ruddy faces from holding in their laughter.

    Angry Hockey Man: WHEN I PLAYED HOCKEY, NO ONE WORE HELMETS!!! NOW YOU HAVE THAT P***Y RUSSIAN IN WASHINGTON WEARIN' A HELMET!!! I'D LIKE TO SEE HIM PLAY HOCKEY AGAINST ME AND MY FRIENDS WHEN WE WERE GROWIN' UP!!! HE WOULDN'T HAVE A F***ING CHANCE!!!

    Yes. Because you, the overlord of hockey, who once "almost" played in the NHL, can beat Alexander Ovechkin.

    I finished dressing and walked out of the locker room. I would have stayed to hear more of Angry Hockey Man's rant, but I seriously feared for my life. I've never seen anyone look more angry and crazy in my life.

    But hey, even if Angry Hockey Man can't "almost" play in the NHL anymore, at least he can take solace in the fact that he can beat up Ovechkin if he ever sees him on the street.




    JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Homeless Clown Woman

    In regards to my gym, I always talk about the people at the pool or in the locker room, because that's usually where I go.

    I haven't lifted weights in a while because of my crappy back. But it has been feeling better lately - thanks, Select Comfort bed - so I decided to hit the weight room on Thursday.

    As I walked down there, I recalled all of the weight room jerks of years past. I'll get into them more at a later time, but some of them were:

    Hoagie Man: A disgusting Russian dude with pit stains on his shirt who always smelled like hoagies.

    Q102 Girl: A spoiled Russian teenage brat who would always complain about the music at the gym. She'd often demand, "Put on Q-von-oh-two." And because she was hot, she got her wish - which essentially turned the gym into a dance club.

    Disguise: Friend of Hoagie Man and Q102 Girl, Disguise was a Russian guy who wore thick glasses, and sported bushy eyebrows, a huge nose and a mustache. I'll have to credit my friend Pat for randomly dubbing this guy "Disguise."

    There were no weird Russians in the gym on Thursday - just some really old people, a woman in her 50s and my friend Craig.

    As I was doing a set of biceps curls, I heard the woman laugh. I looked over, and she was doing sit-ups and laughing randomly for no apparent reason.

    If she were hot, I could live with this. But this woman was one of the most disgusting human beings I've ever seen. Her long, brown hair looked like it hadn't been washed in months. She had thick veins protruding the skin on her neck and forehead. She was wearing a purple shirt that had stains on it. And worst of all, it appeared as though a blind person put on her makeup.

    I wish I were joking, but there were random colors all over her face. She had lipstick on her cheek and eye shadow just above her lips. She was seriously one rubber nose short of looking like a homeless clown.

    At any rate, Homeless Clown Woman would laugh every 30 seconds or so. And the weird thing is that she kept doing sit-ups - like she didn't stop once during my four biceps curl sets. She was just tilting her body forward and laughing the whole time.

    If you're perplexed as to why she was doing this, the answer is simple - she escaped from a local mental hospital, killed a clown, stole his makeup, and wandered into my gym.

    My gym's a great hiding spot for her. Given how many weird people are there, Homeless Clown Woman barely stands out.



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    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Sept. 19


    2015 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 17


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


    2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


    2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


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