Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013





Jerks of the Week for July 15, 2013


JERK OF THE WEEK: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport

I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I accepted an invitation to fly down to Tampa for five days. My senior NFL Draft writer, Charlie Campbell, lives in Tampa with his wife Amanda. He suggested back on March 25 that I should come down for a visit this summer, and after figuring out my schedule, I bought a plane ticket for July 3.

I figured my five days in Tampa would be comprised of meeting Charlie for the first time(**), hitting up the beach, creepily staring at hot chicks in bikinis and having some beers at a local dive bar. I had never heard anyone refer to Tampa as a crazy party town. I figured it was just a quiet beach city, much like some of the alcohol-free spots on the Jersey Shore.

(**)Charlie has been working for me for almost two years, yet this was the first time I had ever met him. Prior to this month, I had never met four of the seven people who have worked for me over the years. Gotta love the Internet.

Oh, how wrong I was. Tampa was absolutely nuts. The bar scene was incredible. I saw thousands of hot chicks each night. Some of the women at these bars wore bikini tops with flashing lights. One attractive woman had just a black thong on. As someone told me during one of the nights, "They call this Trampa Bay for a reason."

One thing that I did count on was finding tons of jerks to write about. That aspect of the trip also did not disappoint. In fact, I compiled so much writing material over the five days that I'm going to split this entry into three parts; otherwise, this will be a 15,000-word Jerks of the Week column. I know, I know, you're dying to read 15,000 words of mine, but typing all of that up in one session would cause my fingers to fall off. So, without further ado...


Wednesday: Jerks of the Flight - Security Line

Might as well start from the beginning, right? The flight itself going to Tampa was loaded with jerks, though that should be no surprise to you if you've read my Jerks of the Philadelphia International Airport entry that I posted back in February.

In fact, I encountered my very first jerk mere seconds after walking into the U.S. Airways terminal of the Philadelphia International Airport. I strolled back and forth, wondering where the kiosk for the online check-in was, when I noticed that this black guy was following me. You might be thinking that he was trying to challenge me to a basketball game or a dance contest, but that was hardly the case. Instead, he muttered to himself in a lisp, "Jeezth I have like no idea where to go in thith airport!" He then looked in my direction.

Gay Black Guy: Excuth me thir, do you know where the thecurity line ith!?

Me: See that sign there that says "security?"

Gay Black Guy: Yeth?

Me: It's right there...

Gay Black Guy: Oh my goodneth grathious! You're not going to thecurity? I thought you were going there!

Me: No... I'm going to check my bags.

Gay Black Guy: Oh, OK, maybe thee you thoon!

And just like that, Gay Black Guy was off. I have no idea why he thought I was going to security. Maybe he figured he'd have an opportunity to give me an anal cavity search(**) with some of the security guards. I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

(**)Believe it or not, Anal Cavity Search is the name of an actual porno. In fact, Anal Cavity Search 6 was released in 2008. How do I know this? I Googled it, of course. I swear!

Speaking of security, it took me a while to get up there because this couple was holding up the kiosk. They were two obscenely skinny people talking to a seemingly illiterate black woman with red hair - obviously her natural color.

Skinny Man: Can you please tell us the temperature in San Francisco right now?

Redheaded Black Woman: I can't tellya dat. My computa got frozened.

Skinny Woman: Oh, honey, if it's chilly, I'll regret not bringing my sweater.

Redheaded Black Woman: Oh, there it go. It gonna be 58 degree tonight.

Skinny Man: Perhaps we can retrieve our luggage, purchase a sweater and then check our bags again.

Ugh. I felt like I was in those "not going anywhere for a while" Snickers commercials. The other idiots behind the counter were just laughing about stuff and not paying attention to me, so I finally got to check my bag 20 minutes later. Thank God I arrived at the airport two hours beforehand.

Gay Black Guy was nowhere to be found when I finally made it up to security. Thanking the gods, I stepped into "preferred access" line. I always purchase preferred access for $23 just in case I get to the airport late and need to go through security quickly. It's also nice to be able to board first - though that's something I'll discuss later.

The preferred access line was moving quite slowly today, unfortunately. It didn't take too long to see why. The fat black security lady was shuffling random people out of the regular line and into preferred access because the regular line was too long. Umm... isn't that the point? I paid $23 for the right to go through security quickly, yet she was holding up the process by allowing freeloaders to cut in. This pissed me off immensely. I would've said something, but I didn't want an anal cavity search from such an obese black woman.

There was another security guard there - a chubby Asian fellow who seemed like a pretty nice guy. He talked to everyone in line. He asked how they were doing, and when they responded with the same question, he told them that he injured his arm and that he was experiencing some numbness.

When I was finally near him, I expected him to say hi to me as well. Instead, he looked at me, grimaced and turned away. He turned around about two minutes later. The line hadn't moved, so I was still there. I looked at him and said, "Hey how are you?" He didn't answer. Instead, he walked to the next person in line and asked how they were doing.

What a dick. Hopefully karma strikes and his arm is numb for the rest of his life!!!

I wasn't angry for too long because I was distracted by a cute girl. She had blond hair with sunglasses resting on top of her head. She was in the regular line, but the black security guard checking IDs and boarding passes summoned her first. He looked over everything and let her through. He then called me up. He studied my ID card for what seemed like a minute and then asked, "Pronounce this last name for me, please."

Umm... what? I know my last name is long, but what the hell is the purpose of pronouncing it? If I were a terrorist with a long last name, I'd A) make a fake ID with a common name and B) know how to pronounce my last name if I decided to go with that. Did he really expect me to trip up on that question? There was no way in hell I was going to say "Char... no... chur... no cherek... no... Jones... no... derp!" Nice job hiring these super-sleuth security guards, Philadelphia International Airport. There's no way any terrorists can possibly elude these geniuses.

I finally stepped through and grabbed a basket to place my flip-flops, cell phone and laptop. The cute girl, who was in front of me, looked at me and said, "You can go ahead of me."

Sweet! She totally wanted to stand behind me so she could check out my a**. I had no issue with this. I would love to be treated like a sexual object by hot women. Nothing would make me happier, save for getting stalked or raped by attractive females. Unfortunately, my dreams were thwarted when I tried to say something to the cute girl. My mind raced as I tried to come up with something clever, but I saw that the reason she let me through was to stand next to another guy - presumably her boyfriend - who was previously waiting in the regular line.

I would've went with something like, "You want to be with that loser, or do you want a real man with preferred access?" However, I would've held up the line and probably would have been subjected to an anal cavity search by the fat security guard. Ah, if only she were hot...





Wednesday: Jerks of the Flight - Pre-Flight

The first thing I noticed while strolling through the U.S. Airways terminals was that there were so many hot women there. For example, there was one girl who was charging her phone in one of the ground outlets. She wore short pink shorts and had legs that seemed to go on forever. However, many of the other females weren't as revealing, opting instead to wear jeans instead despite it being 85 degrees outside. I'm a legs man, so I was appalled by this poor effort.

There were some other women there who would've been attractive had they let their hair grow out. I hate females with short hair. There should be a law that says girls can't have their hair length shorter than their neck. There's really no reason to have a Justin Bieber lesbian hairstyle. Seriously, it looks disgusting, and the effort is even worse than that of the chicks who hide their legs by wearing jeans.

Anyway, I had close to an hour to kill before my flight. I wanted to grab something to eat, but something I went to my gate first just to make sure I knew where it was. I found it, but what I saw disturbed me. I did not see one attractive woman sitting in the chairs at the flight to Tampa gate. They were mostly old people. A particular geezer who stood out was a 90-year-old man with a neck brace. He appeared to be in a coma. There was also a woman in her 50s with unkempt hair. She appeared to be homeless, and she happened to be holding a skateboard for some strange reason.

I turned around in frustration and went back to a Sbarro I passed by on the way to my gate. I was pretty hungry, but I looked at the menu and saw that most of their items were 600 calories or more. I was in the mood for baked ziti, but that was supposedly 700 calories. I knew I was going to eat out with Charlie and Amanda, so I wasn't trying to have a 700-calorie lunch on a day that I wasn't going to exercise.

OK, I'll admit that I sound like an anorexic girl right now, but my goal is to lose a tenth of a pound per week, which was going to be difficult because I wasn't going to hit up the gym at all while in Tampa. This is why I wish Sbarro didn't have the calorie count posted on the menu. Who do these communist a**holes think they are by posting the calorie number? That's such a dick move. If they didn't have the calorie numbers up there, I would've just purchased the baked ziti and ate a more filling meal. Instead, I settled for the Caesar salad.

There were two types of Caesar salad: regular and side salad. I thought about purchasing the former, but the side salad happened to be $3.50. I figured that would be enough. I approached the counter and told the fat Mexican worker that I just wanted a side Caesar salad and a bottle of water. He looked at me strangely and proceeded to pick up this tiny saucer.

I was completely taken aback by this. A tiny saucer of Caesar salad was $3.50? What a rip-off! I quickly told the fat Mexican that I wanted a regular one instead along with the bottle of water. The "regular" salad bowl wasn't much larger, but it was the only alternative.

He mixed up my salad and then brought it to the register. He told me the total price was $6.50. I handed him a $10 bill, and he gave me back three $1s and three quarters. So, we have the mathematically challenged Mexicans to pair with the illiterate bag-check people. Philadelphia International Airport is the best.

I reached for the bottle of water in the bin, but the fat Mexican stopped me from doing so.

Fat Mexican: Eh ese, you have to pay for the water.

Me: But I said I wanted a Caesar salad and a bottle of water.

Fat Mexican: I no hear you say you want a bottle of water.

Me: Well, I'd like a bottle of water too.

Fat Mexican: Only if you pay for it, ese.

OK, so I guess I was clearly trying to be slick by stealing a bottle of water. Are you kidding me? It's not my fault you don't listen and suck at math, especially when trying to calculate how many calories you're ingesting every day, Mexican a**hole.

I paid for the water and sat down at a two-seat table. There was a tan woman in her 50s to the right of me. I didn't think anything of her until I noticed that she was blatantly staring at me. Seriously, she wouldn't stop looking in my direction. I eventually had enough and had to confront her about this.

Me: Can I help you?

Tan Woman (with a Mexican accent): I'm waiting for a cheesestakes with oni-yons and no pepp-pors.

So, that's why you're staring at me? Because you're waiting on a cheesesteak? What does staring at me have to do with a cheesesteak? What a weirdo.

Minutes later, a white guy in his 20s brought over her cheesesteak along with a Pepsi. She looked at the meal, and rather than telling him "thank you," she said, "Oh no, I no have straw for the Pep-si." So, get it for yourself, ungrateful b***h.

The white guy retrieved the straw, and the two sat down and had little to say to each other. One thing I heard the tan woman say was that her last name was Fernandez, but her cousin's name was Hernandez. How interesting.

I've been thinking about it, yet I still have no idea why a guy in his 20s was ordering food for a Mexican woman in her 50s. Perhaps she was the fat Mexican's mom and was interviewing a potential math tutor for her son.







Wednesday: Jerks of the Flight - The Flight

I threw out my empty salad bowl, took a piss and made my way back to the gate. I saw this unbelievably hot blonde with blue eyes and short black shorts standing in the area. Sweet, someone to creepily stare at while on the plane! I thought excitedly. Unfortunately, she was one of the people to get off the previous flight. I wondered though - was this the type of female I was bound to encounter while in Tampa? Like I said, I had no idea what exactly I was in store for.

Anyway, the thing I hate most about flights is when everyone hovers around the actual gate when they announce they are boarding. I always assume that these people are in line, yet they're just standing there like morons even though it's not time for their zone to board. I once was one of the last people to board a plane even though I was Zone 1 because I was standing behind some a**holes who were in the final zone. I thought they were in line until they were the only losers remaining at the gate.

This is a PSA for anyone who flies: If it's not your time to board, just stay seated. There's no reason to stand around the gate when it's not your time to get on the plane. You're not going to magically miss your flight by remaining in your seat.

Then again, not everyone stands around. This guy and his wife, a somewhat large woman with kankles, moved ahead of me in line as they were calling up those with preferred access. The husband had some reservations about this.

Husband: Honey, I think these people are waiting in line...

Kankled Wife: No, trust me. They're not.

Husband: I think they are... Maybe we should ask.

Kankled Wife: No. They're not waiting. No questions are needed.

I would've said something, but I fear women who have kankles. I do regret it though because I went onto the plane right after them, so I was stuck standing there for what seemed like an eternity as Kankled Wife ordered her husband to stuff her giant pink suitcase in the luggage compartment.

This is yet another thing I absolutely hate about flying. I don't mind it when someone brings a small bag aboard the plane, but medium- and giant-sized suitcases should be checked in beforehand. There's no reason to carry them onto the plane if you're not going to use the contents that are in them. Just be a normal person and check the freaking luggage.

I finally made it past Kankled Wife and made it to my seat. I watched as the passengers walked by. I prayed for an attractive woman to sit next to me. A couple of them walked onto the plane, but they just passed by. I then saw the homeless woman from before. She was no longer holding her skateboard. I wonder how she got on the plane...

Homeless Woman: I need a ticket to Tampa!

Ticket Vendor: You can purchase one.

Homeless Woman: But I have no money...

Ticket Vendor: Well, I don't know what to say.

Homeless Woman: Wait, I have this skateboard! And I can also give you an anal cavity search. I'm really good at those!

Ticket Vendor: Ehh... you know what? I'll just take the skateboard.

Homeless Woman didn't sit down next to me, but some guy did. He was a squinty-eyed man in his 50s. He immediately took out an iPad and began playing some game called Bejeweled. He seemed to be doing well, but eventually lost. He then slammed the game down in frustration and yelled, "F*** this game! F*** this game! Such bulls***! Such bulls***!"

I was legitimately scared that this guy was going to have a heart attack on the plane. Don't get me wrong - I didn't care about his well-being or anything. I was just worried that it was going to delay the plane. Fortunately, nothing happened, and I don't even know if he played Bejeweled throughout the entire flight because he asked to be moved.

There were three possible reasons why Insane Bejeweled Man wanted his seat changed:

1. He saw me trying to contain my laughter as he was freaking out upon losing the game.

2. He looked and saw that I texted myself the word "Bejeweled" as I was writing down notes for Jerks of the Week.

3. The guy in the aisle seat. He looked at me and said, "Do I smell, or something?" when Insane Bejeweled Man moved.

I took a whiff and... yeah. He smelled. Like rancid socks mixed with skunk splooge. The flight seemed a lot longer than 2-and-half hours. I almost wished I had been subjected to that anal cavity search.


Wednesday & Thursday: Jerks of the Beach and Bar

Coming next week! This includes:

  • A two-legged dog
  • A great trick to pick up a girl in Tampa
  • "Good night, fags!"




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    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
    Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
    Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
    Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
    Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
    Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
    Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
    Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
    Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
    Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
    Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
    Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
    Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
    Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
    Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
    Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
    Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
    Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
    Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
    Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
    Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
    Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
    Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
    Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
    Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
    Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
    Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
    Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
    Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
    Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
    Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
    Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
    Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
    Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
    Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
    Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
    Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
    Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
    Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
    Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
    Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
    Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
    Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
    Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
    Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
    Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
    Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
    Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
    Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
    Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
    Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
    Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
    Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
    Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
    Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
    Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
    Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
    Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
    Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
    Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
    Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
    Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
    Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
    Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
    Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
    Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
    Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
    Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
    Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
    Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
    Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
    Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
    Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
    Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
    Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Nov. 19


    2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 16


    2019 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 20


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


    2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


    NFL Power Rankings - May 5



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