I don't really like movies. People look at me like I'm a lunatic when I say that, but I really don't. I enjoy some movies, but I'm just not a fan overall. I'm much more into TV because I can come back and watch my favorite characters progress each week and year. The time off in between gives me time to think about what's going on, and if I love a show enough, I'll even hatch crazy theories and write about them, as I did with Lost (I'm still disappointed that Aaron wasn't the Man in Black).
Anyway, the point is that I don't watch too many movies, but there happened to be nothing on TV one particular evening - even ESPN was airing stupid X-games - so I found myself flipping through some random channels. Unfortunately, my remote suddenly stopped working. The batteries died, so I was stuck on some network that was airing a movie starring Queen Latifah and Common.
I had no desire to watch this movie - I would eventually learn that it was called Just Wright - so most people would have gotten up and switched the batteries on the remote. I, however, am not most people. I'm too fat to deal with such laborious activities.
So, I just lied there, watching this movie that was getting crappier by the second. I eventually had the urge to just get up and go back to my office, but this movie was so bad that it suddenly dawned on me: It could be a Jerk of the Week! Besides, the last time I wrote a movie review in Jerks of the Week, it was about Twilight and the 10 reasons why it sucked. That was received well, so why not try again?
What I'm going to do for Just Wright is copy-paste the Wikipedia synopsis so you have an idea of what this movie is about. I'll highlight the stupid stuff along the way. As you're about to see, there was a TON of stupid stuff:
Leslie Wright (Queen Latifah)...
Ohhhh... so that's why it's called Just Wright. Because her name is Leslie Wright! That's soooo clever!
I actually wanted to take this moment to point out that I don't like Queen Latifah very much. I don't hate her, but I always found her pretentious because her first name is Queen. Who is she to be "Queen?" I don't go around calling myself King Cherepinsky. No sane person has a royal first name (note that I said "sane," so the singer Prince is excluded). So, why is Queen Latifah allowed to get away with this? Why has no one else called her out for it?
And here's the thing about Queen Latifah: That's not even her real name! It's not even close. Her real name is Dana Elaine Owens. So, how did "Dana Elaine Owens" become "Queen Latifah?" Again, it's just so incredibly arrogant of her. But hey, I guess it's OK because she's a fat black woman. If I were a fat black woman, I could call myself Princess Football. I wish I were a fat black woman.
Leslie Wright (Queen Latifah) is a straight-shooting physical therapist and die-hard basketball fan who is tired of being a guy's best friend. She and her god-sister, Morgan (Paula Patton), are living together; Morgan dreams of becoming an NBA trophy wife.
Morgan's dream is to become an NBA trophy wife? It's great to know that she has such high aspirations. If she were less industrious, I imagine she'd settle for being an Arena League Football trophy wife, but an NBA trophy wife? God bless her life goals.
In all seriousness, what a slut. It's a shame that this "straight-shooting physical therapist" couldn't influence her god-sister to be a better person and strive for better goals. It's a shame Leslie Wright couldn't be a psychological therapist, or she could fix her idiotic god-sister.
After a New Jersey Nets basketball game, Leslie helps star player, Scott McKnight (Common), at a gas station.
During this movie, Leslie says stuff like "I'm a New Jersey Nets fan for life!" and "Red and blue runs through my veins!"
Remember the stuff I said about insane people giving themselves royalty names? Well, Queen Latifah is completely nuts if she read this script and actually believed there was such a thing as a "New Jersey Nets fan for life." No one cared about the Nets when they were in New Jersey. The freaking team moved to Brooklyn because no one went to the games. There apparently were no "New Jersey Nets fans for life" except for Leslie Wright. Well, Leslie, I guess your lifespan has expired because the New Jersey Nets no longer exist.
Oh, and how exactly do you help someone at a gas station? Here's how.
"I can't find the button to put gas in this thing, man." Wow. This is a grown man who doesn't know how to pump his own gas. He's even on the phone with someone to get assistance! Has he never driven a car before? If so, why was he driving by himself now? And how does a poor woman like Leslie know how a new, fancy-shmancy car operates? So many plot holes!
He offers to open her door for her, but the task proves difficult as the door to her old car is stiff and hard to open.
Does this guy know how to do anything? It's quite the relief that he's good at basketball, or he'd probably be injecting himself with heroin needles in some dark alley. That is, assuming, he'd know how to inject himself. Maybe he'd get some fat chick to help him with that at the local gas station.
He invites her to his birthday party, where she shows up with Morgan. He meets Morgan and suddenly takes an interest in her.
That's smart. If you're a fat chick completely infatuated with a basketball player, do you:
A. Go to the party yourself and try to win him over with your personality, sense of humor and charm?
B. Stay at home and eat doughnuts.
C. Bring your hot friend along, so that he'll want to bang her upon looking at her.
The answer is obviously A, or perhaps B if you don't think they'll have any good food there. You sure as hell don't do C. Scott McKnight, like any other man, will like the hotter chick with all things being equal. He may eventually like Leslie more, but he didn't get a chance to know her. He just simply looked at Leslie and Morgan and decided the latter appealed more to him. He's a guy, and that's just how the male brain operates, like it or not.
After a quick relationship with Morgan, Scott proposes to her.
Whoa. If you think that's quick, you're absolutely right. Let's look at the timeline. Morgan met Scott during the NBA season, so the earliest they could've began dating was mid-November. He proposed to her before the 2009 NBA All-Star Game (as you'll see below), which was on Feb. 15. So, in a span of three months, he felt as if he knew her well enough to propose to her!
Does anyone else think there's something wrong with this? Unless you're really old and fear you'll die soon, there's no reason to propose to someone just THREE MONTHS after meeting them! Scott is a freaking idiot, though I guess we shouldn't be surprised.
Great job by Morgan, by the way. Her goal in life was to be an NBA trophy wife, and she managed to get a star NBA player to propose to her in just three months. Is this some kind of record? If so, I think we can safely call her the Michael Jordan of NBA trophy wives.
Oh, and one last thing before I move on. Right before the scene where Scott proposes to Morgan, Leslie and Morgan are taking a stroll around Scott's mansion by themselves. Morgan points out a door and tells Leslie that she doesn't know what's behind that door. "That's his secret room," she says.
This is the first thing in the movie that piqued my interest. What was in that shady room? Did Scott have corpses in there because he's secretly some deranged killer? Is he really a vampire who stores his coffin in there? Was the Man in Black living in there? My mind was swirling with theories.
Want to know what was in that room? I don't know - because they never mentioned it ever again! Why would they mention some super-secret room in his mansion and never address it again? What was the point of that?
At the 2009 NBA All-Star Game, Scott suffers an injury that could possibly ruin his career.
The injury Scott sustained was a torn PCL. Recovery time for something like that is 6-12 months. His career was not in jeopardy in the slightest. Perhaps if this were the 1970s, sure, but players are now making successful recoveries with the help of advanced medical science. In fact, South Carolina running back Marcus Lattimore gruesomely tore his ACL, MCL and PCL a year ago, and he's on track to play for the San Francisco 49ers in 2014. So, I think the writing was a bit overdramatic here.
Morgan suggests that he enlist the help of Leslie, since she did not approve of his previous gorgeous physical therapist, so Leslie moves into their home.
Oh, that's nice. Morgan was essentially saying, "Hey this blonde chick working on my man is a threat to me, so please, fat friend, move into my house because my soon-to-be husband cannot possibly cheat on me with you!" Morgan is definitely a great friend.
I don't understand Morgan anyway. Given her personality and intentions, shouldn't she have been trying to catch Scott cheating on her rather than prevent it? That way, she could take half of his possessions through divorce. It's not like she loved Scott anyway; she was enamored with the lifestyle, which she could've enjoyed without her moronic husband.
Rumors circle that Scott's career would end quickly if he did not recover by the playoffs, which causes Morgan to leave Scott through a letter.
Wow. OK, there's a lot here.
First of all, I mentioned already that Scott's career was not in jeopardy because of a simple torn PCL. And why would it matter if he recovered by the playoffs? Was this the final season in NBA history? Could Scott not return to the league next year? Why would the future of his career depend on whether or not he returned by the playoffs? It makes zero sense.
Second, Morgan obviously didn't give a damn about Scott, so it doesn't fit her personality to spend time writing a letter to him. Some of my guy friends have had their skanky ex-girlfriends break up with them via text, so I imagine that's something Morgan would've done. Perhaps a text along the lines of, "Hai Sam I mean Scott ur cool but I need space so were not bf gf anymore k cool gtg ttyl." She didn't care enough about him to write a letter.
The thing is, Morgan's life goal is to be an NBA trophy wife. Scott's still rich, so why wouldn't she still get married to him? At the very least she could hang out with his NBA friends and seduce one of them. What else was she going to do, go back to the dilapidated home from where she came from in the first place?
Scott becomes extremely upset, discouraged to continue recovery. Leslie encourages him and helps him get back in the game, the two of them spending a lot of time together. Scott is able to return to the NBA for Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals, winning his first game back.
The summary doesn't explain how unbelievably stupid this part of the movie was. Scott was the Nets' star player, as described earlier, so how the hell did his team reach Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals without him? They apparently didn't miss him too much.
Also, the Eastern Conference Finals typically is at the end of May (Game 1 of the 2009 Eastern Finals in real life took place on May 20). That means that this injury that apparently threatened Scott's career took just THREE MONTHS to recover from. And I thought his career was in jeopardy!
Torn PCLs aren't a huge deal, but there is no way any human being can come back from one in just three months. I looked up the recovery time for torn PCLs on a medical Web site, which wrote the following: "If your injury requires surgery, it may be several weeks before you return to a desk job - perhaps months if your job requires a lot of activity. Full recovery typically requires 6 to 12 months."
It takes months just to return to a desk job, and yet Scott is somehow capable of leading his team - which apparently had been going along great without him - into the NBA Finals.
But that doesn't tell the whole story. Scott struggled in the first half of Game 7. He couldn't hit any shot, and he struggled to defend anyone. He basically looked like he was three months removed from PCL surgery.
However, he turned everything around right after halftime. How did he do this? With the power of Leslie! Despite her being in the crowd, she was somehow able to approach the Nets' bench and give Scott a pep talk. This energized him, and he suddenly became an unstoppable force, leading his team to a comeback victory.
Leslie is an amazing woman. Not only did she defy medical science; she also used stealth moves to elude security and then completely bolstered a man's psychological state with a 20-second conversation.
Leslie and Scott decide to spend a romantic evening together, but Leslie wakes up to Morgan at Scott's door hoping to reconcile. Leslie quickly moves out as Scott and Morgan reunite.
Umm... what? OK, we knew Scott wasn't the sharpest bulb in the toolbox, but how could he reconcile with Morgan? She freaking dumped him when she thought his career was over! Was the sex with her that amazing that he absolutely had to get back with her? How utterly stupid can this man possibly be?
Because Leslie helped Scott recover in such a short amount of time, many teams offered her the position as an athletic trainer. Most likely to make the Sixers her new team, Scott quickly stops her when he realizes that he is in love with her.
I could see Leslie getting a job with another team, but when she met with the Sixers, the team's best player, Elton Brand, personally met with her as she was being interviewed. I thought this was a bit odd.
Here's what was stranger: Leslie was being interviewed during the daytime. Scott, who was a guest on Stuart Scott's nightly sports talk show, was asked how he got the motivation to recover so quickly. Leslie popped into his head, and he excused himself, telling Stuart Scott that there was somewhere he needed to be.
Scott then showed up as the Sixers' facility to prevent Leslie from taking the job. I don't know why it suddenly transformed from night to day for him - the trip from East Rutherford, N.J. to Philadelphia doesn't take that long - but perhaps he had to spend the night killing people and stashing bodies into his secret room. It's a shame those scenes didn't make the final cut.
Scott tells Leslie that he's in love with her. She then flips open her phone and calls someone. This enrages him.
"Baby, I tell you I love you, and you gonna be callin' somebody on the phone!?" he shrieks.
Leslie ignores him, telling the person on the phone that she'll accept the position with the Nets. They then kiss and embrace. This phone thing was apparently supposed to keep us guessing about Leslie's thought process, but it was unnecessary and rude.
They are shown a year later, with Leslie working as one of the Nets team athletic trainers and she and Scott are now married.
You'd think this guy would have learned not to propose to someone that quickly, but that would require logical thought process on his part as well as the writers'.
Ugh, what a terrible movie. I didn't even get into all of the stupid stuff either. I failed to mention Leslie's father, a handyman who couldn't even fix his own windows, or Scott's agent, whose only client happens to be Scott (he gave a toast to his "one and only client.")
There were also several NBA players who made cameos, like Wade, Brand and Dwight Howard. I guess this was supposed to excite a male, sports-loving audience, but it didn't. Even if I did care about seeing sports stars in a dumb chick flick, I couldn't get over all of the idiotic plot holes. I'm sorry, but as dumb as some athletes are made out to be, I'm pretty confident that they all know how to pump their own gas.