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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012




Jerks of the Week for Sept. 17, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Mosquitoes

I wrote three months ago that I've been having issues trying to build a deck. If you don't feel like clicking the link, a deck company authorized by my neighborhood association wouldn't call me back and lied to me about submitting paperwork to the animal-porn-watching township.

I contacted another validated company after that. The guy I spoke to on the phone was named Brian, and he told me he was going to drive over the following day to do all of the measurements. I was impressed that he was willing to do it so quickly, especially after dealing with the other people. I was happy about that - until he never showed up. I called him two hours after his scheduled appointment, but he didn't pick up the phone. He got back to me two days later.

Second Deck Worker: I... uhh... umm... I... uhh... had an emergency... uhh... I... uhh...

Me: That's OK.

Second Deck Worker: Umm... I... uhh... can I come tomorrow... uhh???

Me: Yeah, that's fine.

He kept his appointment. Sort of. He was 45 minutes late and stuttered while giving me all of the facts and figures. I told him I'd call him to let him know the following day, but I decided not to. If he couldn't show up in time twice, then I wasn't going to rely on him to build my deck.

I was just about to give up hope, but I opted to give it one last shot. I contacted a third guy, who actually showed up early to do all of the measurements. I told him what happened with the first two companies, and he wasn't surprised in the slightest.

Third Deck Worker: My guess is that they didn't pick up the phone or come on time because they went to jail.

Me: Jail? Why would they go to jail?

Third Deck Worker: Oh yeah! People in my profession go to jail all the time!

Me: Really?

Third Deck Worker: Oh yeah! I know several guys who build decks who are always in and out of jail!

Wow. I had no idea I'd have to deal with such seedy individuals to have a deck constructed. But it finally happened! Third Deck Worker got the job done, and as of the morning of Aug. 29, it was finally fully completed.

I celebrated by working outside. It was great. I brought my laptop outside and typed up random crap on my deck. I was having the time of my life, but my legs suddenly started to itch. It wasn't bad at first, but they felt like they were on fire soon enough. I glanced at them and noticed all of these huge, bright red spots on them. I was nearly bitten to death by mosquitoes.

It was really ridiculous. I can deal with one or two mosquito bites, but I had dozens all over my legs, which were ghastly. I picked up my laptop, ran into the house, sprinted upstairs and rubbed Gold Bond all over them.

There apparently was some sort of mosquito colony in my backyard, so I looked online to find a solution. Here's what I came up with:

1. Citronella Candles - Yeah, yeah, I know, candles are for girls and the heterosexually challenged - not that there's anything wrong with that - but I was desperate. I didn't want my legs bitten to pieces again.

I ultimately decided against Citronella Candles for three reasons. First, what if I'm allergic to Citronella? I don't think I am because Citronella sounds like it has some sort of citrus in it, but you can never be too careful. Second, I don't know where the candle shop is. And third, how do you differentiate between regular candles and Citronella Candles? Does it say it on the box, or do you have to ask the candlemaker? And what if the candle shop is out of red candles? Everyone knows blue candles suck. You can only light them once per room. If you want to light them again, you have to leave the room and come back, which is a drag.

2. Bats - I looked online, and the No. 1 predator of mosquitoes are bats. Cool. Except I don't know where to buy bats. I've never seen a bat store. I highly doubt there is one, so I'd have to go into the mountains or the forest to capture bats. But how would I do that? Is there bat bait? I'd buy bat bait, but there's no damn bat store. Why the hell isn't there a bat store!?

OK, for the sake of argument, let's say that I capture 25 bats and unleash them in my backyard. They'll eat all of the mosquitoes, but then they'll poop all over my beautiful new deck, so I'll have to find something that eats them. Owls do that, so I'll get them, but then they'll poop all over my deck as well. I can then buy wildcats to eat the owls. But then the wildcats will also try to devour my neighbors, so I'll have purchase something that kills them - unless my neighbors piss me off. Then I'll keep the wildcats.

3. Vanilla Extract - One Web site revealed that rubbing vanilla extract all over yourself wards off mosquito attacks.

That was the best news I'd heard all day. I wasn't quite sure what vanilla extract was, but it had the word "vanilla" in it, and vanilla can be quite tasty. Vanilla ice cream, for example, is both underrated and awesome.

I decided quickly that it was time to buy some vanilla extract. I gathered some money and ventured off to Bottom Dollar.







JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Vanilla Extract

I love having a Bottom Dollar store right around the corner from my house. It takes me three minutes to walk there - two if I cut across the guy across the street's backyard. I usually don't like to do this during the day because this guy always has cars without license plates in his driveway, so I'm afraid the cops will raid his house and think I'm part of his plot if I'm cutting across his yard at that exact moment.

At any rate, I walked into Bottom Dollar. There were a few things I needed - chicken strips, Cocoa Pebbles, milk, Oreos - so I gathered them first. It was then time to find the vanilla extract, so I ventured toward the ice cream section.

"Hmm..." I said aloud. "Vanilla ice cream, chocolate ice cream, more vanilla ice cream, strawberry ice cream, more chocolate ice cream, ice-cream sandwiches, Klondike bars, more vanilla ice cream, orange sherbet***, more chocolate ice cream... I don't see the vanilla extract. Where's the vanilla extract!?"

*** Side note: I always thought it was "orange sherbert;" not "orange sherbet," but my Microsoft Word put a red squiggly line under "sherbert." Didn't it used to be orange sherbert? If so, what happened to the bert? Why'd they get rid of the bert and replace it with bet? Sherbet is stupid. Sherbert is so much better.

I was so confused. Did Bottom Dollar suck and not sell vanilla extract? What if someone wants chocolate ice cream with vanilla extract on top? Do they have to go to Acme or Shop Rite? "No wonder this place is called BOTTOM Dollar," I thought. "This is definitely the bottom-ranked grocery store in the entire world!"

Fortunately, a Bottom Dollar worker walked by that instant. He was in his late 60s and was grimacing, so it seemed like he was in a rotten mood. Nevertheless, I was desperate.

Me: Hey, do you know if you guys sell any vanilla extract?

Bottom Dollar Employee: Yes, we do.

Me: I don't see it anywhere here.

Bottom Dollar Employee: Are you looking for vanilla ice cream or vanilla extract?

Me: Vanilla extract? Wait, it's not the same thing, is it? I need vanilla extract to shoo away the mosquitoes, but can I just rub vanilla ice cream on my legs to do that?

Bottom Dollar Employee: What? No. Vanilla ice cream and vanilla extract are not the same thing. You're in the wrong section for vanilla extract.

I still wasn't too sure. I mean, maybe they're not the exact same thing, but if vanilla extract works, why can't vanilla ice cream work as well? Mosquitoes are clearly afraid of things that are vanilla. I could buy the vanilla ice cream and try that out, and if that wouldn't work, I could just come back to Bottom Dollar, purchase some chocolate syrup and make myself a yummy snack. Mmm... chocolate syrup...

Wait... chocolate syrup! And that's when it dawned on me. I was such an idiot. Vanilla extract might not be something you put in the freezer right away - which means it would obviously be near the chocolate syrup, which is also not in the ice cream section!

I sprinted toward the aisle with the chocolate syrup. I found that, but I still couldn't locate the vanilla extract. Ugh! I had to ask for the angry employee's help again.

Me: I still can't find it!

Bottom Dollar Employee: You're looking in the wrong section again!

Me: Well, where is it?

He led me toward the cake and baking section. I was about to call him out for this because vanilla extract didn't seem like it would belong in that spot, but there it was. A bottle of vanilla extract - right next to the baking mix.

See, this is why I hate shopping for groceries. Everything is always out of order. They should keep the milk next to the cereal, the frozen pizza next to the potato chips and the damn vanilla extract near either the ice cream or the chocolate syrup. Seriously, are the people who run supermarkets idiots, or something?





JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Klondike Man

There were two lines open near the front. Unfortunately, a fat chick employee behind one of the registers changed her sign to "closed," so I had to get behind a balding man with two little girls. I overheard them as I waited my turn.

Little Girl: Daddy! Daddy! Can I hold the iced tea?

Dad: We'll decide that later.

Decide that later? What the hell does that mean? Why doesn't he let her hold the damn iced tea if she wants to so badly? Is he going to put this to a vote? Is there going to be some sort of debate about it? I could almost see this happening.

Unbiased Arbitrator: Balding father, please plead your case.

Dad: Your honor, my daughter wants to hold the iced tea, but what does that mean exactly? Yesterday, she said she wanted a unicorn. I could not provide her with one because, well, they're not real. She wants to hold the iced tea now, but this will only raise her expectations. Her expectations need to be low. This is a cold, cruel world, where barely anyone gets what they want. I feel like her holding the iced tea could be a catalyst to the destruction of her spirit. She'll get her iced tea, but when she can't attain her unicorn, her world will crumble.

Unbiased Arbitrator: Well spoken. And you, young lady?

Daughter: I wanna hold the iced tea!

Unbiased Arbitrator: Well, after careful consideration, I award this debate to the balding father. Congratulations!

Dad: Ha! I knew I could out-argue her! What now, daughter!? You want to argue some more, because I'll kick your a** in another argument!

What a dick. Anyway, as the balding father was paying for his groceries, a couple in their 50s approached the closed line. They placed their items down near the register and waited for the fat cashier to stop talking to some Indian Native American lady.

Wait, so this was an option for me all along? I didn't have to wait for the balding dad and his two brats? I could have just demanded for the fat cashier to ring me up this whole time?

I was about to complain and move ahead of the couple, but the fat cashier told them that her register was closed. They then walked behind me, and a few minutes later, it was my turn to pay. I placed my items down on the conveyor belt, handing the divider to the man. Instead of placing the divider between my groceries and his, he just tossed the divider aside.

I didn't get it. Why would he do that? Our cashier was just going to get confused. Luckily, he had only a few things - two Klondike bars and three cans of dog food. I found this selection of items interesting because he happened to be wearing a blue shirt with a Klondike logo on it. This man must like his Klondike bars so much that he refuses to position a divider near them.

Our cashier swiped my chicken strips, Cocoa Pebbles, milk, Oreos and vanilla extract. She then reached for the Klondike bars when Klondike Man started making a weird sound.

Klondike Man: Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut...

Cashier (looking at me): Is this yours?

Me: No.

Klondike Man: Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut...

Cashier: Oh OK, just the items I swiped then?

Me: Yup.

Klondike Man: Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut...

I don't know what this man was hut-hut-hut-hut-huting about. He could have said an actual word, but it was almost like he was spazzing out because the cashier thought the Klondike bars belonged to me. Well maybe if you used the divider I gave you, a**hole, we wouldn't have had that misunderstanding.

I went to the bagging station after I paid. I took my items out of the shopping cart and put them into the recyclable bags I brought with me. When I was just about done, Klondike Man and his wife walked by; he was able to pay quickly because he had so few items. He then looked at me and gave me this evil smirk, almost as if he suspected me of stealing his Klondike bars.

Sorry, pal. I was never planning on stealing your stupid Klondike bars - because I have the more-awesome vanilla extract. Powned.


EPILOGUE:

I typed all of this up on my deck. I covered my legs with vanilla extract beforehand, and no mosquitoes harassed me. My legs are unbitten, and I pleasantly smell like vanilla ice cream. Problem solved with an awesome bonus.

I was happy. Never has one of my plans turned out so perfectly. And to think - I was willing to risk ruining my deck with bat poop. I can be so ridiculous sometimes.




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Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
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Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
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Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
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Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
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Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
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Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
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Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
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Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
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Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
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Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Nov. 25


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 19


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


NFL Free Agents





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