Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2015





Jerks of the Week: Sept. 14, 2015


JERK OF THE WEEK: Tubing Down the Delaware: A Near-Death Experience

"Want to come tubing down the Delaware on Saturday for my sister's birthday?"

"Hell no!"

"Come on, it'll be fun!"

"No, it won't. It'll be terrible!"

"Don't be such a curmudgeon! We'll have a blast! Please go?"

"I'm not a curmudgeon, in fact I'm being quite pleasant right now, but there's no way in hell I'm going to die in the Delaware River!"

This was a conversation I had with my girlfriend, and in case you couldn't tell, I was the second person. Call me crazy, but riding a tube down a river didn't seem like the brightest idea. Rivers are dangerous, after all. Right after this exchange, I imagined the local TV news broadcast breaking this story after the eight or so homicides we have in Philly every day...

In other news, a football Web site owner died today in the Delaware River. He was reportedly there for his girlfriend's sister's birthday, but he died when the rapids made him collide with a huge boulder. This man was an idiot for tubing down the Delaware River. He was also fat.

Then, I imagined seeing a similar story on the news myself about someone else. I pictured myself chuckling, "What an idiot. Who the hell goes tubing down a river? That would never happen to me because I don't do anything stupid like that!"

Call me a wuss all you want, but I'm a survivalist. I'm also a bit of a germ-freak, and the sanitary issues happened to be another reason why I didn't want to do this. The Delaware River is infamous for its pollution. Fish can barely survive in that water, thanks to all the toxic waste various companies dump into the river. Even if I somehow survived, my swim trunks would no doubt disintegrate as they touched the water, and by the time I'd be done tubing, I'd be completely naked, and everyone would be able to see my no-no special place.

Despite all of this, I ended up going.

My girlfriend continued to ask me, and she said it would make her happy if I went with her. She also told me that everyone would be there, and that it was completely safe.

"I've done it before," she said. "It's not a big deal."

I had my doubts, but it actually ended up being not too bad. Tubing was kind of pleasant, and I managed to collect tons of Jerks of the Week material there, so let's get right to it.


The Drive to Delaware River:

The first thing I need to mention is that my girlfriend got me up at 7 a.m. That may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but keep in mind that I A) usually wake up around 11-12, and B) went to bed at 4 in the morning that night. Everyone was gathering there at 10:30, so I figured we could get up at 9, since an hour-and-a-half was plenty. Apparently not.

Girlfriend: Come on, get up!

Me: Unnhhh...

Girlfriend: We have to get breakfast and then drive to my parents' house to meet everyone, and then we'll be on our way!

Me: Unnhhh...

Girlfriend: I'll buy you breakfast!

Me: Unnhhh...

Girlfriend: Come on, Walt! Let me know where you want to go for breakfast, and it'll be my treat!

Me: Unnhhh... McDonald's... unnhhh...

I don't know how I managed to crawl out of bed - I honestly can't remember how that happened - but I did. I put on my swim trunks and flopped into my girlfriend's car as we ventured to McDonald's. I was barely awake, but I knew that I could go for some McDonald's. I'm not a fan of McDonald's' normal food, but their breakfast is the bomb.com. I ordered two Egg McMuffins and a hash brown, and when my girlfriend told me that it might be a while until we ate again, I got back into the line for a third Egg McMuffin. The news reporter who was going to call me fat would be very accurate.

Our plans to head up to my girlfriend's parents' house, which is about 45 minutes away, were nixed because everyone else was heading out early. So, we just went straight over to the Delaware River.

I had never been in this area before, so let me tell you, it was a pretty strange place. Some of the houses looked nice, prompting my girlfriend to suggest that we should move out there.

"I don't want to live in the middle of nowhere, though," I said, looking at a very strange sign. It said two words I thought I'd never see together:

DEER CORN

Me: Deer corn!? What the hell is that!?

Girlfriend: It's a thing, Walt.

Me: Deer corn!? Hahahahahaha!!! Of course we'd see a sign like that out here!

Girlfriend: Sometimes you can be so pretentious, Walt.

Me: Buhahahahaha deer corn buhahahahaha!!

It's been a few weeks, and yet I'm still laughing at that sign.





Parking Lot:

We finally reached this place. Unfortunately, it took us 20 minutes just to park our car. The line to get into the parking lot was shockingly long. I didn't think something like this would be that popular, yet there were thousands of people at this place. All types of people - kids, adults, old people, hot chicks in bikinis - every single type of human was represented here. There was even a guy dressed like Hulk Hogan, who apparently ran the place. He spent his time either shouting at his employees or leering at the hot chicks in bikinis. I almost asked him if he wanted to trade his establishment for my Web site.

We eventually were able to pay the parking people. My girlfriend chatted with the attendant as we were waiting to move.

Girlfriend: Wow, are you guys normally this busy?

Parking Lot Attendant: Not normally, but it's a really nice day, so we're having a great turnout.

Girlfriend: What happens when you guys fill up the parking lot?

Parking Lot Attendant: We borrow the neighbors' lawns once we run out of space here, but when that's used up, we have to close the gates.

Once we pulled up, I shouted, "Close the gate! Close the gate! Close the gate!"

My girlfriend shot me a dirty look, but I would've been thrilled if they locked everyone else out; that way, we could go back to bed.

There were a**holes in the parking lot besides myself. For instance, one fat Mexican kid was whining and crying as we pulled into our parking spot.

"Daaaady don't leeeavvee mee! Daaaaadddyyyy ddooonn''t leeeaave meeeee!"

I was in a rotten mood because I was running on just three hours of sleep, so I shouted, "Your dad's gone, bro!"

My girlfriend snapped, "You're such an a**!" But I didn't care. I put the kid in his place.

Other people who annoyed me in the parking lot included 50-year-old douches who blared music as loudly as they could. Seriously, they just put their car stereos on full volume, gathered next to each other while being shirtless, and acted all cool because they were listening to obnoxiously loud music while drinking Miller High Life. Nice job, guys. You're the epitome of awesome.

Meanwhile, this middle-aged woman was trying desperately to gather her family together.

"Family photo, guys! We need to get a family photo! Come on, come together, we need to take a family photo!"

I want to shout back, "Shut the f*** up, lady, no one wants to be in your family photo!" but she did manage to get her family into one area. Thank God. What would happen if she didn't get to snap a precious family photo of their awesome trip to the Delaware River?

Yeah, I think I'm still in a rotten mood.


Dual Lines:

We met up with everyone and went into the line. Mostly everyone greeted me warmly, but all I could muster in response was a "bleh." I was still extremely exhausted, and on top of that, I was thirsty from all of the sodium in the Egg McMuffins. I didn't feel like talking to anyone.

I was eventually handed a waiver and asked to sign it so no one could sue this establishment in the event that I suffered a nasty injury or died. All of the assurances my girlfriend gave me about this place being safe completely disappeared. I suddenly had a sinking feeling that this was my last living day on this planet. I'd surely hit my head on a rock, get caught by underwater vines and drown, or die from the bite of a poisonous river snake. And the worst part was that I wouldn't be able to defend myself when that a**hole news anchor who would call me fat.

Unfortunately, I knew there was no getting out of this, so I signed the waiver. My girlfriend's sister's husband Rob then asked us how long we'd want to go tubing for, since that affected the price. I thought an hour would be sufficient, but I was shocked by the options:

"OK, we can go for either three hours, four hours, or five hours."

THREE HOURS, FOUR HOURS OR FIVE HOURS!?!?!? Are these f***ing people insane!? Who the hell wants to spend that long on an inner tube? One of my favorite pastimes is whacking off to lesbian porn, and I don't even like spending three hours, four hours or five hours doing that.

The worst part was that we'd have to spend 3-5 hours on this inner tube without food or drinks, with the latter being especially problematic for me, given how thirsty I was. And then it hit me - what about going to the bathroom? Seriously, what if I had to drop a deuce during the second hour of this voyage? Would I have to hold it in, or diarrhea all over the Delaware River? And I'm sure I'd have to pee at numerous points, like most others. There's no bathroom on the Delaware River, so that would mean that every single person in line would be urinating in the Delaware River at some point. No wonder the river is so polluted!

"OK, let's take a vote on how long we're going to go," Rob said, snapping me out of my negative thought process. "Raise your hand if you want to go for three hours."

I quickly shot up my arm, and I realized that I was the only one doing so. My girlfriend, noticing this, begrudgingly raised her hand as well.

"Of course Walt was the first person to raise his hand," Rob said in a disappointed tone. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Why did it warrant an "of course" that I would choose the shortest option? I'm not that negative of a person, am I?

Everyone else but Rob and this guy Justin voted for five hours, so Rob decided that according to "democracy" - I didn't realize a death trip down the Delaware River justified any sort of democracy - we'd go with the 4-hour option.

Great. That would give me four hours to crack my head, drown, get poisoned, crap myself, and urinate all over the place. What a wonderful way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

After about a 30-minute wait, we were given our wristbands and told to grab an inner tube. No problem, right? Ha! To do this, we had to go into another line - and this one was much longer. The Hulk Hogan guy from earlier was at the back of the line and told us that we should expect an hour-and-a-half wait.

Yeah. An hour and a half. Just so we could all die and go to the bathroom in our swim suits.

The scorching sun made this all unbearable. I was so dehydrated that I went through two bottles of water while waiting. We had just one more left by the time we reached a canopy next to where the buses took everyone to the top. Unfortunately, the line slowed to a crawl at this point. We thought we'd get on soon, but it was yet another half hour. Some kid standing behind us, who was eating a sandwich earlier, complained to his mom.

Kid: MOMMY I'M HUNGRY!

Mother: NO! You just ate! No more food for you!

OK there, Soup Nazi. Why not just tell your son to come back in one year?

Minutes later, the kid whined, "WHEN'S THE LINE GONNA MOVE, MOMMY!?!?" I wanted to reply, "Never, kid. Never." But despite all of the water I consumed, I was too thirsty at that point to reply. Besides, breaking the spirit of one kid was enough for one afternoon.







Tubing the Delaware:

Our bus finally arrived. It was now 1 p.m., which was ridiculous considering that we got into the second line at 11:30. Despite leering at the hot chicks in bikinis, Hulk Hogan Man was right on the money.

We crammed onto the bus, and I was sandwiched in between Rob and Justin. "I hope you're not claustrophobic," Justin said. I laughed and shook my head, but I was suddenly having trouble breathing. I had no idea I was claustrophobic - until now. I imagined the news report...

In other news, a football Web site owner died today in the Delaware River. Or, rather, he died on the bus to the Delaware River. His cause of death was lack of oxygen from claustrophobia. This man was an idiot for taking a bus in order to tube down the Delaware River. He was also fat.

We mercifully reached the top about 10 minutes later. I thanked the heavens that I'd finally be able to get off this God-forsaken bus and basically pushed people out of my way so I could step outside and breathe the fresh air.

We walked down to the river bank and hopped onto our tubes. The water was chilly at first, but I got used to it after a minute or two. My girlfriend and I took off first, but quickly realized that there was a fork in the river; an island was located in the middle, so we had the option of going either left or right. There were no signs, so we had no clue which direction we should choose.

"Hey guys, which way should we go!?" my girlfriend called out, but we were so far ahead that they couldn't hear us. We tried about thrice more, but they didn't respond. Minutes later, they noticed the fork as well.

"We need to go left!" Rob shouted at us. But it was too late. The current was taking us to the right, and there was nothing we could do about it. We paddled as hard as we could, but the current overtook us. Soon enough, we were completely past the island on the right side. This prompted the following exchange...

Rob: GUYS, WHERE ARE YOU GOING!? WE NEED TO GO LEFT!

Girlfriend: WE CAN'T! WE'RE STUCK IN THE CURRENT! COME RIGHT WITH US!

Rob: WHAT!? WE NEED TO GO LEFT!

Girlfriend: WE CAN'T! COME RIGHT!

Rob: NO! GO LEFT!

Girlfriend: ROB, WE CAN'T! JUST GO RIGHT WITH US!

Rob: NO! SORRY! GOTTA GO LEFT!

And just like that, everyone else drifted toward the left, and we were all alone.

I still can't believe this happened. Even if they thought that going left was the correct direction, why would they leave us? They easily could have gone right and joined us, but because Emperor Rob declared that they had to go left, they abandoned us.

The right side was quiet. We thought the island would end, and that we'd meet up with everyone, but the island just grew larger. We had no idea where we were going, or if we would be stranded forever and ultimately eaten by a nest of river snakes. As we were drifting, we made sure to conserve water; we had a quarter of a bottle remaining, so I had no idea how we were going to last for another three-plus hours.

"Look, a sign!" my girlfriend announced, just as I was wondering what my funeral would be like. I turned around and saw that the sign had an arrow pointing left. Underneath it were three of the best words I've ever seen in my entire life:

HOT DOG MAN

Wait... wait... wait... THERE IS SOMEONE SELLING HOT DOGS ON THE DELAWARE RIVER!?!?!?! YES!!!!!!!!!!! BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We continued to follow the arrows and eventually saw that there was a large crowd. They were gathered around this boat, and a fat man standing in the river continuously shouted the following:

"GET YOUR HOT DOGS HERE, AT HOT DOG MAN! TWO HOURS UNTIL THE END OF THE DELAWARE RIVER, AND THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO GRAB FOOD AND DRINKS! GET YOUR HOT DOGS HERE, AT HOT DOG MAN!"

We wasted no time dismounting from our tubes. I wasn't even that hungry - I had three Egg McMuffins, after all - but I still wanted a hot dog.

"I have to try Hot Dog Man's hot dogs!" I shouted at my girlfriend, who looked surprised because this was completely unprompted.

Hot Dog Man was expensive - a hot dog and two bottles of water turned out to be $13 - but I didn't care. The hot dog was delicious, and the water was refreshing. We looked around for the others as we were eating, but couldn't spot them. We finished up and hopped back on our tubes. Surely enough, two hours later, we made it to the end.

Once we made it back to my girlfriend's car, she called her sister, who carried her phone in a waterproof bag. My girlfriend asked if they had reached the end already, and she had a shocked expression on her face once she heard the answer. I couldn't believe me ears when she said it...

"YOU'RE ONLY AT THE HOT DOG MAN!?"

Wow. We beat them by two whole hours. Looks like we went the right away after all. So much for needing to go left!

You know, I actually didn't have a bad time tubing down the Delaware. The line was horrible, but the ride itself was pleasant. In fact, I may do it again.

And if you hear that a fat football Web site owner died on the news, you'll know why.

LOADING COMMENTS...



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Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Sept. 20


2018 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 14


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


2019 NFL Mock Draft - June 1


NFL Power Rankings - May 5









 





 

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