JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of the Jersey Shore, 2015: Second Trip, Part 2
In case you missed it, I wrote about my second trip to the Jersey Shore this summer. Check it out to read all about the most spoiled brat of all time, a fat woman who ate her daughter and made her son crawl around on the sand, and a woman who devised such an effective method of torturing that the NSA and the CIA will cease using waterboarding entirely.
However, given that this is the Jersey Shore I'm talking about, I needed more than one entry to discuss all of the Jerks I found down there. And believe it or not, but I'm not even done talking about all of the a**holes I saw on the beach!
And I'm calling them a**holes - not jerks - because some of them really pissed me off. For instance, there was this guy to the left of us who was such a douche that even my girlfriend made fun of him. She poked me as I was reading the third book in the Maze Runner series and pointed at him.
"That guy's been playing lacrosse by himself for the past 30 minutes," she whispered.
I glanced over, and it was true. This guy had a lacrosse stick and ball, and he kept doing tricks like tossing the ball over his head and catching it with the stick behind his back. This would've been impressive if he didn't look like a total loser. I mean, I guess it's OK to do something like that while hanging out with friends, but he wasn't with anyone. There was no one around him, and per my girlfriend, that was the case for this entire half hour. All he was doing was tossing a lacrosse ball around by himself.
Who does this? Why would you go to the beach on your own to practice fancy lacrosse moves? What is this supposed to accomplish, exactly? If he wanted to practice lacrosse, why not do it on, I don't know, a lacrosse field?
Lacrosse Man did this for 15 more minutes and then he packed up his stuff and left. That was it. His lacrossing was finished, just like that, and no one was around to watch or care.
I guess the only reasonable explanation is that he tried to do this to pick up girls, but it apparently didn't work. I don't know what sort of chick is going to be impressed enough by this to want to bang him. He probably would've had more success approaching random women on the beach, picking his nose and extending his booger-infested hand.
I suppose this was a failed attempt at a worse version of Douche Matthewsing, which is a term my Penn State roommate and I came up with back in my freshman year. We would encounter a particular type of dude about once a week - this guy would just sit in the hallway and play Dave Matthews Band songs on his guitar. He would do this for one purpose, and one purpose only: to bang chicks.
And it worked! Douche Matthewsing attracted girls like moths to a flame. They'd all stop and gawk how impressive this guy was, and then he'd have sex with them - probably with two or more one at once. Let this be a lesson to all of you college kids: If you can't get laid, buy a guitar, learn Dave Matthews Band songs and then play them in front of girls. You'll be banging hot chicks in no time. And sure, some jealous freshmen will accuse you of Douche Matthewsing, but will you really care if you're surrounded by poon?
Of course not! You'll have flocks of woman waiting to have sex with you as long as you're Douche Matthewsing. Just make sure you're not Douche Lacrossing.
Anyway, there were a particular group of people who pissed me off at the beach. Now, I don't mean to sound racist or anything, but I hate - HATE!!! - people who bring boogie boards to the beach. I know, I know, I'm being hateful, and like #BoogieBoardPeopleLivesMatter and stuff, but meh... nah, they really don't. Sorry, P.C. Principal. I wouldn't mind it if the government rounded these people up, put them on a rocket ship and launched them into the sun. The world would be a much better place without them, trust me.
These people - yes, I said "these people" - ruined my time in the water. Now, when I'm swimming around in the ocean and giant waves come in, I like to do one of three things: One, launching myself backward into the wave is quite fun. Sure, it hurts my back sometimes, but it's great to just collapse into the wave and get overtaken by it. Two, I like to crouch down and just allow a wave to swallow me. It almost always knocks me backward, which is super fun. Note that the waves have to be big for this to happen, as you'll barely move if there are smaller waves. And three, I quite enjoy peeing in the ocean. As a tip, it helps to do this in between waves.
Now, I'm sure there is some tree-hugging P.C. a**hole reading this and shouting, "I can't believe you pee in the ocean, you scoundrel! What if the fish drink your urine!?" To that, I'd say, "F*** you, douche P.C. hippie. F*** you and your stupid fish and plants. I'll pee wherever I please, thank you!"
Yeah, so those are the three things I like to do in the ocean. Unfortunately, the boogie-boarding dicks make this impossible. I couldn't back into a wave because boogie-boarding jerks were riding the other way, and I could've flopped into them. I couldn't crouch down because then they'd collide into me, perhaps causing me to sustain a horrible head injury. And I couldn't urinate because I had to dodge them all the time. It was horrible.
"They should ban boogie boards from the beach," my girlfriend said, agreeing with me after I told her how hectic it was in the water. I nodded in agreement, but realized she wasn't taking it far enough. Ban them from this planet, I say. Ban them from this planet.
After the beach, my girlfriend and I made our way to Gillian's Island Water Park, which is right on the boardwalk. Unfortunately, this was on the other side of the boardwalk, so we had to walk all the way down. By the time we got there, my back hurt, and my knees felt like they were going to crack. It's tough being an old, fat man.
Luckily, I saw this along the way:
Notice anything weird? No, not the funny-looking dude in the red shorts. Focus on the sign right below Hollywood Arcade.
Really? This Hollywood Arcade establishment needed to tell potential customers that their hangout is "fun?" Were people going to assume this wasn't fun? Like, did a single person look at that and think, "Hmm... I wasn't sure if this was going to be fun, but the sign says it is, so it must be fun!"
Does this "fun" sign actually attract anyone? I'd like for them to do an experiment one day and put up a sign that says "BORING." I wonder if they'd even get one fewer customer from doing that.
Taking that picture was a bit treacherous because of the time. It was after 5, and the water park closed at 6 for some reason. That's something I've never understood either. It never gets dark around 6 during the summer, so why shut it down early? And also, I feel like the water park should open up at night to adults only. People could drink and float around in the lazy river. It would be great. Lacrosse Man could even try out some of his moves there, and they could actually work...
Nah. No, they couldn't. Sorry, Lacrosse Man.
Anyway, we reached the water park, and my heart sank. Everything was fenced off. The whole thing was closed for the day.
"What the hell!?" I cried. "This is bulls***! The park's supposed to close at 6!"
The teenager working behind the gate overheard me.
Water Park Employee: We don't sell anything for less than two hours, so that's why we sealed off the entrance.
Me: What if we buy 2-hour passes for just one hour? Could we do that?
Water Park Employee: Uhh... I don't know.
Me: Dude, I'll literally pay for two hours for both me and my girlfriend even though we'll be in there for like 50 minutes.
Water Park Employee: Let me go ask the manager.
They eventually let us in, but the fact that he felt the need to even ask his manager was appalling. Why couldn't he just agree to that deal? There was literally no downside for his place of business. In fact, they'd effectively be stealing our money - and lots of money, at that, because it ended up costing $39.95 per person... plus $7 for a locker!
After signing over my mortgage payment to them, my girlfriend and I proceeded through the gate. To get to the actual slides and lazy river, you need to go through this child area called Buccaneer Bay. Now, I've been going to this water park ever since I was a kid, yet they didn't have Buccaneer Bay when I was growing up. They built it about eight years ago, and I have to say that it's pretty awesome. The slides aren't long, but they're in these cool pirate ships. There are also palm trees that squirt warm water out. I would've had a blast there as a child.
There was no one in Buccaneer Bay at this hour, so I had the sudden urge to try everything out. Unfortunately, I couldn't, because a sign said: "48 inches and under only!"
I call bulls***. First of all, what if a dwarf-man like Tyrion Lannister wants to go in? He's allowed to, even though he's like 40? And yet some 11-year-old who had a huge growth spurt can't, suddenly? That's just stupid. What if the dwarf-man has Jerry Sandusky-type intentions? It shouldn't be based on height. If there's any sort of restriction, it should be age.
Also, this whole thing is heightist. Us tall people are always discriminated against, and it's not fair. It needs to stop. My girlfriend is a paralegal, so I asked her if it was reasonable to sue this place for not letting me into Buccaneer Bay because I was too tall. She looked at me strangely and said nothing.
Whatever. I think the whole thing is a sham. Us tall people can't enjoy Buccaneer Bay, yet little kids can go down the slides? Such crap!
One such little kid was this tiny Asian girl, who was lugging around this double tube. She kind of annoyed me because my girlfriend and I were behind her with single tubes, yet we had to wait because this double tube, which was like four times her height, was overwhelming her.
"Walt, help her!" my girlfriend said.
"Good idea," I replied. "We'll get there faster if I help her carry it."
While heading toward the slide, I began wondering: Why was this little girl lugging around a double tube? Who was making her do this? If a parent or older sibling was waiting for her at the top, why didn't they just retrieve the tube rather than make her carry it? And if she happened to be the older sibling, I can't imagine the water-park employees allowing a 5-year-old to go down with her because this little girl was like 7.
Once we reached the top, we saw that no one was there. The little girl tried to get into the double tube by herself, but the hot lifeguard stopped her.
"You can't ride that by yourself," she said.
The little girl looked like she was going to cry. Once this happened, I felt something inside. Compassion? Perhaps. I know, I was just as surprised as you are.
"Hey, let's switch tubes," I said. "My girlfriend and I will take the double tube, and you can have one of our single tubes."
The little girl smiled, and so did the hot lifeguard. If Lacrosse Man saw this, he would've been SOOO jealous.
So, all ended well for the little girl, right? Not really. When my girlfriend and I walked up another ride, we looked down and saw the hot lifeguard tubing down the slide to rescue the little girl, who got stuck somehow. I couldn't help but laugh. So much for my compassion.
After a few more rides and a trip around the lazy river, I convinced my girlfriend to go to this place called the "Activity Pool" with me. Because I had to pee.
"Eww!" my girlfriend said. "You can't do that!"
"Why not?" I replied. "It's not against the rules!"
I pointed to the rules, and sure enough, it prohibited stuff like horse play and diving, but it didn't say a single word about urinating.
Urine exited through my body. It felt nice, and it sucked I had to hold it in for so long. Of course, I could have just pissed in the ocean had those boogie-boarding a**holes had already been sent to the sun already.