Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014





Jerks of the Week: Feb. 10, 2014


JERK OF THE WEEK: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus

I honestly have no idea how I'm typing this right now. I keep running to the bathroom every 10 minutes or so to dump liquid out of my mouth and/or buttocks. Sorry if that made you squeamish, but imagine how I feel right now.

Yes, I currently have a stomach virus, and it's the worst. Not only am I vomiting and squirting diarrhea, I also have hot and cold flashes, where I'm either perspiring as if I were in a rainforest or tucked away in Rosie O'Donnell's armpit, or shivering despite setting the heat in my house to 80 degrees. And if all of this weren't enough, I'm also extremely fatigued. It's taking an insane amount of energy just to type these two paragraphs, and I constantly find myself wanting to slump into my couch - that is when my stomach doesn't force me to empty out more pink and brown fluids into my toilet.

There is a story behind my illness, and it all started at a Pizzeria Uno on a recent Friday night...


Pizzeria Uno:

I'll never forget the first time I saw a Pizzeria Uno. Like any little fat kid, I loved pizza. My mom used to order from the local pizza joint named Station Pizza - still my preferred pizzeria - about once a week when I was a child. I was quite the portly fellow, plus I swam competitively and needed the calories as a consequence, so I was able to devour an entire large pizza and an order of cheese fries by the time I was 12. Wait, hold on...

Sorry, I just puked because I thought about cheese. Ugh.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, pizzerias. We ordered from Station quite frequently, but sometimes we had Pizza Hut, Little Caesars or Dominos as a change of pace. It was a good time no matter where we ordered from because pizza is awesome.

However, everything changed one day. I went to Blockbuster (R.I.P.) with my family and saw that something called a "Pizzeria Uno" opened next door. It apparently was a "Chicago grill" and happened to be established in 1943.

I remember being both intrigued and intimidated at the same time. I wanted to try Uno's pizza, but at the same time, I was turned off because it seemed like everyone knew what this Pizzeria Uno was all about except for me, given that it came here from a foreign land and had been around for half a century. I hate the feeling of being left out and not knowing about stuff - which would explain why I hate superhero movies, since I don't get all of the references because I never read the comic books growing up - so I was conflicted. Eating new pizza or not dealing with ignorance? Even as a fat kid, this was a very tough call!

This may surprise you, but I chose to avoid unfamiliarity at the cost of a new pizza experience. That's how much something like this bothers me. So, I went 18 or so years without trying Pizzeria Uno until that fateful Friday night.

I went to Neshaminy Mall that evening with my girlfriend Anti-Facebook Girl to buy a birthday gift for my mom. We were both pretty hungry, and we would've eaten at the food court had the mall not asininely closed at 9 p.m. I don't understand why it couldn't stay open until 10, like a normal establishment, but whatever. We walked out to her car when we noticed a Pizzeria Uno across the street from the parking lot.

Willing to now face my fears as a grown man, I asked her if she wanted to eat there. She just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Whatever you want." And just like that, I was about to confront one of my demons.

I expected to have to leap through a ring of fire or recite all of the different styles of pizza to obtain my meal, but that surprisingly was not the case. The only challenge was perusing the menu, which was so big that it looked like George R.R. Martin wrote it. There were no penises in it though, so it clearly wasn't one of his works.

It literally took me about 10 minutes to figure out what I wanted. I saw a page that had a "$6 and $6" combo where customers could choose two dishes for $6 each. I opted for a deep-dish pepperoni pizza and a barbeque chicken salad. We also ordered cheese sticks served with marinara sauce.

I could hardly contain myself. It seemed like an eternity until our food arrived, but the time had finally come. Our waitress placed down our two salads and Anti-Facebook Girl's pasta dish. And then I saw my deep-dish pepperoni pizza:



What... the... f***... is... that...? It was a freaking Bagel Bite!

I just sat there in silence for two minutes.

Anti-Facebook Girl: You look so upset.

Me: I... how... what... I don't know...

Anti-Facebook Girl: The waitress should've at least told you how small it was!

Me: I... I don't know what to say...

Anti-Facebook Girl: Well maybe the cheese sticks will be better.

Yes... yes! The cheese sticks! I had almost forgotten about them. Our waitress "forgot" to bring them out (I'm quoting "forget" because she was pretty hefty, and she may have eaten them on her way to the table) so I reminded her. She apologized and said they'd be ready shortly.

She brought out the cheese sticks five minutes later. I didn't think my heart could be broken any more than it already was, but I was wrong:



Wow! They made a grilled cheese sandwich and sliced it up! Nice "cheese sticks," Pizzeria Uno.

It's safe to say that this was one of the most disappointing meals of my life. I wanted pepperoni pizza and something resembling mozzarella sticks, and yet I got a Bagel Bite and sliced grilled cheese. Now, don't get me wrong. The food was good; there just wasn't enough of it. In fact, I was still hungry as we were leaving the restaurant. I expressed this to my girlfriend.

"See, this is why I hate chain restaurants," she said. I knew I should have embraced my ignorance.





Carrabba's:

Unfortunately, I didn't learn my lesson. My mom asked me if I was OK with eating dinner at Carrabba's for her birthday, and I gave it the green light. I was in the mood for Italian food, so I didn't realize that I was agreeing with dining at another chain restaurant.

We didn't have to wait for a seat, but they crammed us into a small, dimly lit booth. My dad couldn't see the menu at all, which enraged him.

"I can't see these f***ing words in the menu!" he shouted. This would've brought a lot of attention to our family, but there was barely anyone at the restaurant.

We ordered drinks, but my dad, being a big guy, finally had enough. He was fed up with squirming around in this tiny booth, so he asked to be moved elsewhere. Our waitress, who brought out our beverages, didn't look too pleased. As we discovered, this was because we were moved to a section with a different waiter. I don't know why these restaurants have such stupid rules. If she was our waitress in the first place, she should have been able to remain our waitress. Again, stupid chain restaurants.

Our waiter was a nice dude. He was a balding guy in his 40s. When I ordered the chicken parm, he smiled and said, "Ahh excellent choice, that's exactly what I was going to have tonight." He then asked whether I'd want pasta, vegetables or mashed potatoes with my chicken. When I said "pasta," he beamed. "I can't wait for that EXACT dinner," he said.

As we were waiting for our food, my dad showed off his fancy new phone. It was pretty enormous, but you could talk into it and it would do a Google search for you. My dad, who is fairly new to the Internet, asked me if I could pull up the Flyers-Red Wings score. I spoke into the phone, "Flyers-Red Wings box score" and it popped up instantly.

My dad was pretty amazed with this. He then wanted to know who scored, but he wanted to try it himself.

"Who score goal for Flyers in hockey game against Red Wings I mean Detroit Red Wings."

He looked at the search results and quickly said, "No this is not it." Google, not understanding what he was trying to say, did a search for "Scorpion flies hockey 888 angst red rings bean 3333 wings." My dad got other strange results, and he got frustrated rather quickly.

Dad: Why doesn't this work!?

Me: You're talking too quickly and saying too many things.

Dad: Then what do I say!?

Me: Just say "Flyers-Red Wings box score" and click on the link.

Dad: Flyers-Red Wings box score.

Didn't work. "Friars bread wings box 444." My dad slammed the phone down in frustration.

Our appetizers soon arrived. Oh, did I mention that I ordered actual cheese sticks? I wanted something that resembled mozzarella sticks, and I was pleased with what they brought over. I stuffed five into my mouth before my sister could finish one. They then brought out the chicken parm... chicken parm... parm...

BLEGH! Sorry, just puked again.

Our waiter asked us if we wanted anything else after we were finished. He looked at me intently, almost as if he expected me to copy his dessert of choice as well. Feeling stuffed, I merely replied, "Can I have a glass of water, please?"

The waiter, who previously smiled and agreed with everything I said, suddenly had a look of revulsion. He sneered and said, "Fine, water."

What the hell? Was I not supposed to ask for water? Which dessert did he think I should order? And why did I have to copy his exact meal? Did he think we were soul mates or something because we ordered the same entree?

My stomach didn't feel quite right the following morning. I didn't think much of it, but hours later, the diarrhea and vomit spewed out of each end of my body. It was so bad that at one point, I was convinced that puke was coming out of my buttocks and liquid poop was flowing out of my mouth. Of course, I was too busy either shivering or sweating profusely to confirm any of this.







The Couch:

I tried my hardest to work in my office, but I found myself resting my head on my desk for 15 minutes at a time, so I eventually just said f*** it and brought my computer downstairs. I placed it on the coffee table and collapsed on the couch. I passed out for about an hour and a half, and that's exactly where I am now.

I watched three basketball games and an episode of CBS' Intelligence, and now I am bored, which is why I started typing this as I'm lying down. I'm happy to report though that I've realized three things while being couch-ridden:

1. TV writing has gone downhill. I like Intelligence, but there was one line I can't get over. Without delving too much into it, the main character, played by Sawyer from Lost has a computer chip in his head. He can basically access and manipulate any sort of information on the Internet through his mind. He's sent on these top-secret government assignments.

Sawyer found himself in a Middle Eastern country in this episode. He was asked to extract two captive journalists, one of whom was played by Alex (Ben Linus' daughter) from Lost. Sawyer was able to infiltrate a military base by manipulating all of the cameras and alarms, and he finally made his way to the lightly guarded prison, where he found Alex. Here's how the conversation went down:

Alex: What the hell are you doing here!?

Sawyer: I'm here to rescue you!

Alex: Get out of here now!

Sawyer: What?

Alex: I'm on a mission as well, and I'm right where I want to be. My orders are to eliminate an American scientist who defected and is now making a WMD for this country!

Sawyer: Wait... so you're not a journalist?

Wow! Derp dee derp, dee didily derp!

I like this show, but come on. Did he honestly have to ask her if she was a journalist or not after she basically told him that she's an undercover super-secret spy?

2. I think I've seen more dating commercials tonight than I ever have in my entire life. There were the usual ones - match.com, EHarmony (**), Christian Mingle, Black People Meet, etc. I also saw ads for JDate for the first time.

(**) A quick note on EHarmony: I lost a bet with my friend Melissa about eight years ago, so I was forced to enter my information into eHarmony to see how many matches I came up with. After all, they promise to find you someone who fits your profile. Want to know what my results were? "Sorry, we can find matches for 99.9% of our users, but we could not find anyone for you. Have fun being alone for the rest of your life." OK, they weren't mean about it, but they did tell me that I had no matches. A**holes.

As I watched these Christian Mingle and JDate ads, I suddenly realized something: They cycle through the same women and men each time! Seriously, take a closer look if you don't believe me. I'm not quite sure about the men, but these dating ads run through a pool of about 10 women. Maybe I'm delirious right now, but I swear I saw the same chick in both the Christian Mingle and JDate commercials.

This got me thinking: What's to stop someone from lying about their religion? What if a Jewish person signs up for Christian Mingle? How would someone prove that you're not Christian? OK, if you show up to a date with long sideburn curls and a yamaka, you might give yourself away, but people can easily lie. It's the same the other way around too, so if any Christian wants to meet a Jewish person, all they have to do is create a JDate profile. It's not exactly easy to prove that you're Jewish.

But let's take it one step further: What's to stop a white person from having a Black People Meet profile? You'd essentially just be trolling the black people, but what if you're white and legitimately want to date a black person? Are there Web sites for that? I imagined it would be JungleFever.com, or something, but that's a porn site.

Also, why are there no MexicanPeopleMeet.com or AsianPeopleMeet.com commercials? I've never seen them. Do the racist TV networks not want Mexicans and Asians to mate? If so, they're even worse than the douche bags at eHarmony.

3. I just had more unpleasant bowel movements. When will this nightmare end? And why was I stupid enough to eat at a chain restaurant despite my girlfriend's ominous warning?

I wonder what it was that got me. Was it the chicken parm? The "real" cheese sticks? Or maybe... no... could it have been the water? Was the waiter so upset with my decision to order water that he poisoned it?

I'd go back and confront him, but I have no desire to step inside a chain restaurant right now. And I don't think I'll want to for quite some time. Not even if they offer the best cheese sticks in the... cheese... ah crap, not again...




More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
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Jerks of the Week - March 30, 2015: April Fools and April Truths III
Jerks of the Week - March 23, 2015: The Old Man, the Heroic Man, and the Desperate Man
Jerks of the Week - March 16, 2015: The News: Predators, Mushrooms, the Weather and the Undead
Jerks of the Week - March 9, 2015: Valentine's Day Gifts
Jerks of the Week - March 2, 2015: Disappearing Jerks: the Loser, the Douche, the Hobo and My Food
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 23, 2015: Gym Patrons and Their Mistakes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 16, 2015: Return to Kyoto - The Japanese Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 9, 2015: Jerry Jackson
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 2, 2015: Paranoia, Incest and Near-Death - All at the Gym!
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 26, 2015: Going to the Flyers Game
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 19, 2015: Return to Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 12, 2015: Chris Christie, Clorox, Gay Jokes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 5, 2015: More Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 29, 2014: 2014, Year in Review
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 22, 2014: Jerks of Christmas Shopping, 2014
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 15, 2014: Idiots at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 8, 2014: Septa Train Zombies
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 1, 2014: Lifeguard Training Day
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 24, 2014: Too Many Cooks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 17, 2014: Halloween and Orange Juice
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Jerks of the Week - Nov. 3, 2014: Kyoto and Japanese Food
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Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
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Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Sept. 20


2018 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 14


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


2019 NFL Mock Draft - June 1


NFL Power Rankings - May 5



 





 

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