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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009




Jerks of the Week for Aug. 31, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: My Gym

I spend $330 a year on a gym membership that grants me access to a small weight room with broken machines. It also lets me swim in a cloudy pool that has weird stuff floating around in it (old-people skin, band-aids, Ebola viruses, etc.)

I've grown used to it. I've been going there for more than 10 years now, and I've never considered switching gyms because I have a lot of friends who go there.

However, that may change soon. I've been growing increasingly frustrated because this gym does everything in its power to screw the members.

I like to swim for exercise, which has been very difficult this summer because the pool has been rented out to campers from 9 till 5 every weekday. I'd swim after 5, but it's the summer time and thunderstorms frequently debacle my chances in the evening. So, I was excited to learn that camp ended on Aug. 14.

I showed up to the gym on Friday (Aug. 28). My goal that day was to swim long enough to lose five pounds, which would bring me down to a svelte 885. Unfortunately, when I entered the pool area, I noticed that there were hundreds of little kids in the pool. Feel free to insert your favorite Michael Jackson joke here, but it's too soon for me.

I was furious until I saw a hot lifeguard (cute face, nice legs) who caught my attention. I approached her to find out what was going on:

Me: Is the pool closed?
Hot Lifeguard: Yeah, it's closed for the rest of the day.
Me: Why? I thought camp was over!?
Hot Lifeguard: No, it's not.
Me: But I was told summer camp finished on Aug. 14.
Hot Lifeguard: Well yeah, it was, but this is Bambi camp.
Me: Bambi camp? What the f*** is Bambi camp? What was the other camp, Tarzan camp?

*** Hot Lifeguard looked at me quizzically. Either she didn't get the joke or she thought I was mentally challenged. ***

Me: So... when does this Bambi camp end?
Hot Lifeguard: 5 o'clock. Then there are swim lessons scheduled because it's Friday.
Me: No, I mean when does Bambi camp stop coming here for good?
Hot Lifeguard: Oh, umm... next Friday.

*** Great, I thought, I wouldn't be able to exercise for another week. I figured I might as well try to salvage the situation by gaming her. ***

Me: I haven't seen you here for a while. When do you go back to school?
Hot Lifeguard: In about 10 days.
Me: What college do you go to?
Hot Lifeguard: Umm... I'm going to be a senior in high school.

***Awkward silence***

Me: Ohhhkaayy, I'm going to go talk to my friend over there...

Awesome. Let's do a checklist of all the ways my gym has pissed me off recently:

  • Provided jailbait to all of the 18-and-over male members
  • Rented out the pool to Bambi and Tarzan camps all summer
  • Rented out the basketball courts to Mongolian soccer players
  • Maintained a gym with outdated and broken equipment
  • Allowed members to swim in such a dirty pool that their skin was in danger of falling off
  • Permitted a spoiled brat to run around the locker room, hit people with his goggles and yell, "You're not my friend!"
  • Gave a membership to a weird, old Russian guy who cock-blocked me in the sauna

    Sounds like this gym should be paying me $330 a year just to go there.




    JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Fat Guys in my Fantasy Football League

    The draft for my $200 fantasy touchdown league, Drew's Football League (DFL), is this upcoming Friday. But even though we haven't drafted yet, the trash talking has already commenced.

    This first guy (let's call him Fat Guy No. 1) kicked things off by sending this completely random e-mail to every league member:

    I have to get this out! If you are on Facebook and I find out your in our league I am first going to call you a p***y. Then I will let [Fat Guy No. 2] loose for a relentless borage of insults until you apologize to the male race for being such a Jacka**.

    I happen to glance at my wife's facebook while watching Spike TV and I saw crap like "I just got a pedicure and manicure", "The kids just wet the dog. lol" What a waste of f***ing human brain cells. Pick up the phone and get off you're a** and go visit someone. What the f**k. As a parent I can't understand what the difference is between us b****ing about our kids playing video games all day, or Jacka**es sitting on Facebook numerous times a day? What the f**k!!

    F**k all of you, I can't take it anymore!! I am begging for someone to do something worthy of an a** beating on the way home from work. Please???


    Fat Guy No. 1 just had to get that out, eh? Obviously a cry for attention. I responded:

    According to several studies, individuals who are anti-Facebook, like you, are people who don't have any friends to add. I'm going to assume that your tears accompanied your previous message.

    My friend agreed with me, which prompted yet another incoherent e-mail from Fat Guy No. 1:

    So I take it you two are P***ies!!! [Fat Guy No. 2] feel free to start. And jerkoffs, I have forgotten more people than either of you have met in your lives. Unlike you two jerkoffs, I have no problem leading the pack, instead of being a follower like yoursleves and hoping some long lost fantasy you had of a cheerleader I already banged several times years ago when they were hot, all of a sudden remembers you used to hold her books and now wants to talk to you. I have turned down several requests to join Fagbook from many old friends, and yes your mothers, and it is obvious how I feel about the crap. Remind me to kick your a**es at the draft you fags!!

    Fat Guy No. 1 weighs approximately 5,200 pounds, so his idea of "banging" a cheerleader might be eating her for his fifth lunch that day.

    Sure enough, Fat Guy No. 2 took Fat Guy No. 1's cue and sent out his own e-mail:

    Facebook? Facebook? WTF??? To all you non-computer people that means WHAT THE F**K???? I must admit that I am on Facebook. In fact I was one of the first poeple to ever be on Facebook, in fact I planned an entire reunion on facebook. That being said I also haven;t been on it in months, you know why? CAUSE I HAVE A F***ING LIFE!!!!!!!!! I don't sit around like some of you fags looking for some guy that you gave the worlds' best blow job to, and wondering if his c**k still has the teeth marks you left on it. Or if the girl you exchanged make-up tips with would still be able to come over on a Saturday night to do your hair in pigtails. This is FOOTBALL!!!! Mother F***ing Football with a capital Mother F***ing.

    Get the dicks out of you're a** and get ready to take you a**-whopping cause this is the year that DA BEARZ runs right through all you bologna smuggling, wrump wrangling, snake sucking c***suckers. Hail Butkus!!!!


    Two things entered my mind here. First, I was thrilled to finally learn what "WTF" means. For all of these years, I thought WTF was a band or some sort of wrestling syndicate. Second, I am honored to be in the same league as one of the founders of Facebook. I had no idea Fat Guy No. 2 was in Mark Zuckerburg's garage when Facebook was being created.

    However, my friend quickly alerted me that Fat Guy No. 2 felt the need to capitalize "Mother-F***ing." Now, I'm just disturbed to be in a fantasy league with a guy who sleeps with his own mother.




    JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Philadelphia

    Most of you will probably want to skip this one because it's obvious where I'm going with this.

    In the week leading up to QB Dog Killer's debut, I knew things wouldn't go well. On one of the Philly hip-hop radio stations (98.9 FM), a misinformed DJ said, "Michael Vick isn't getting enough love from us. Let's give some love to Michael Vick." Heterosexually challenged, much?

    Meanwhile, Philadelphia NCAAP President/Racist Clown Jerry Mondesire announced that there would be a pro-QB Dog Killer rally before the Eagles' exhibition game against the Jaguars. Mondesire's premise, aside from annoying everyone, was that QB Dog Killer needed a second chance. A second chance? Didn't the Eagles sign him? Am I missing something here? Mondesire is a busy man, so he may have missed the news; after all, it takes a lot of energy to organize stupid rallies that accomplish nothing (as opposed to actually doing something constructive).

    So, the protestors, who really had no cause because QB Dog Killer was playing that night, marched around the stadium. They then collided with a group of angry anti-QB Dog Killer people who were boycotting the game.

    Most news outlets repeatedly showed a scene where a tall white woman berated an elderly black man who looked at the camera with a sad look on his face. What most biased news outlets didn't show was when that same black man yelled at the white woman for being racist because she didn't support QB Dog Killer.

    Yeah, because everyone would love a white man who took pleasure in drowning dogs in his pool or electrocuting them with his jumper cables. Oh, and I don't think your group would be marching if QB Dog Killer were white. Way to be a hypocrite.

    And then the game began. By the end of the night, I was never more ashamed, embarrassed or humiliated to be a citizen of this soon-to-be-bankrupt city. Let's recap what happened during the exhibition contest:

    1. The fans gave a standing ovation to a guy who electrocuted dogs with jumper cables, held dogs underwater in a pool until they drowned (while taking bets for how long they'd last) and hanged dogs from trees.

    2. Some fans cheered Jaguars quarterback David Garrard when he was hurt and down on the field.

    3. The fans chanted "We Want Vick" when Donovan McNabb threw an interception in the third quarter (shocker).

    And I thought cheering when Michael Irvin suffered his career-ending injury, or throwing snowballs at Santa Claus was bad.

    To be fair, there are a lot of decent Eagles fans out there who loyally support their team. However, they just weren't the idiots who were at Lincoln Financial Field that night. Instead, they were either home, at a bar, or outside of the stadium, voicing their displeasure regarding the addition of a demented psychopath.

    Unfortunately, these decent fans had to deal with irrational protestors who felt that QB Dog Killer deserved something beyond the $6 million he received from the greedy Jeffrey Lurie. Oh, and let's not forget how miserable the Eagles' offense looked that night. After the game, Donovan McNabb told the media that the offense "lacked rhythm" when QB Dog Killer was on the field. Ruh roh.

    Looks like the Eagles are getting everything they've asked for.





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    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    Fantasy Football Rankings - July 28


    2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


    2015 NFL Mock Draft - July 23


    2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


    NFL Free Agents


    NFL Picks - Feb. 2





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