I spend $330 a year on a gym membership that grants me access to a small weight room with broken machines. It also lets me swim in a cloudy pool that has weird stuff floating around in it (old-people skin, band-aids, Ebola viruses, etc.)
I've grown used to it. I've been going there for more than 10 years now, and I've never considered switching gyms because I have a lot of friends who go there.
However, that may change soon. I've been growing increasingly frustrated because this gym does everything in its power to screw the members.
I like to swim for exercise, which has been very difficult this summer because the pool has been rented out to campers from 9 till 5 every weekday. I'd swim after 5, but it's the summer time and thunderstorms frequently debacle my chances in the evening. So, I was excited to learn that camp ended on Aug. 14.
I showed up to the gym on Friday (Aug. 28). My goal that day was to swim long enough to lose five pounds, which would bring me down to a svelte 885. Unfortunately, when I entered the pool area, I noticed that there were hundreds of little kids in the pool. Feel free to insert your favorite Michael Jackson joke here, but it's too soon for me.
I was furious until I saw a hot lifeguard (cute face, nice legs) who caught my attention. I approached her to find out what was going on:
Me: Is the pool closed?
Hot Lifeguard: Yeah, it's closed for the rest of the day.
Me: Why? I thought camp was over!?
Hot Lifeguard: No, it's not.
Me: But I was told summer camp finished on Aug. 14.
Hot Lifeguard: Well yeah, it was, but this is Bambi camp.
Me: Bambi camp? What the f*** is Bambi camp? What was the other camp, Tarzan camp?
*** Hot Lifeguard looked at me quizzically. Either she didn't get the joke or she thought I was mentally challenged. ***
Me: So... when does this Bambi camp end?
Hot Lifeguard: 5 o'clock. Then there are swim lessons scheduled because it's Friday.
Me: No, I mean when does Bambi camp stop coming here for good?
Hot Lifeguard: Oh, umm... next Friday.
*** Great, I thought, I wouldn't be able to exercise for another week. I figured I might as well try to salvage the situation by gaming her. ***
Me: I haven't seen you here for a while. When do you go back to school?
Hot Lifeguard: In about 10 days.
Me: What college do you go to?
Hot Lifeguard: Umm... I'm going to be a senior in high school.
Me: Ohhhkaayy, I'm going to go talk to my friend over there...
Awesome. Let's do a checklist of all the ways my gym has pissed me off recently:
Provided jailbait to all of the 18-and-over male members
Rented out the pool to Bambi and Tarzan camps all summer
Sounds like this gym should be paying me $330 a year just to go there.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Fat Guys in my Fantasy Football League
The draft for my $200 fantasy touchdown league, Drew's Football League (DFL), is this upcoming Friday. But even though we haven't drafted yet, the trash talking has already commenced.
This first guy (let's call him Fat Guy No. 1) kicked things off by sending this completely random e-mail to every league member:
I have to get this out! If you are on Facebook and I find
out your in our league I am first going to call you a p***y.
Then I will let [Fat Guy No. 2] loose for a relentless borage of
insults until you apologize to the male race for being such
I happen to glance at my wife's facebook while
watching Spike TV and I saw crap like "I just got a pedicure
and manicure", "The kids just wet the dog. lol" What a waste
of f***ing human brain cells. Pick up the phone and get off
you're a** and go visit someone. What the f**k. As a parent I
can't understand what the difference is between us b****ing
about our kids playing video games all day, or Jacka**es
sitting on Facebook numerous times a day? What the f**k!!
F**k all of you, I can't take it anymore!! I am begging for
someone to do something worthy of an a** beating on the way
home from work. Please???
Fat Guy No. 1 just had to get that out, eh? Obviously a cry for attention. I responded:
According to several studies, individuals who are
anti-Facebook, like you, are people who don't have
any friends to add. I'm going to assume that your tears
accompanied your previous message.
My friend agreed with me, which prompted yet another incoherent e-mail from Fat Guy No. 1:
So I take it you two are P***ies!!! [Fat Guy No. 2] feel free to
start. And jerkoffs, I have forgotten more people than
either of you have met in your lives. Unlike you two
jerkoffs, I have no problem leading the pack, instead of
being a follower like yoursleves and hoping some long lost
fantasy you had of a cheerleader I already banged several
times years ago when they were hot, all of a sudden
remembers you used to hold her books and now wants to talk
to you. I have turned down several requests to join Fagbook
from many old friends, and yes your mothers, and it is
obvious how I feel about the crap. Remind me to kick your
a**es at the draft you fags!!
Fat Guy No. 1 weighs approximately 5,200 pounds, so his idea of "banging" a cheerleader might be eating her for his fifth lunch that day.
Sure enough, Fat Guy No. 2 took Fat Guy No. 1's cue and sent out his own e-mail:
Facebook? Facebook? WTF??? To all you non-computer people
that means WHAT THE F**K???? I must admit that I am on
Facebook. In fact I was one of the first poeple to ever be
on Facebook, in fact I planned an entire reunion on
facebook. That being said I also haven;t been on it in
months, you know why? CAUSE I HAVE A F***ING LIFE!!!!!!!!! I
don't sit around like some of you fags looking for some guy
that you gave the worlds' best blow job to, and wondering if
his c**k still has the teeth marks you left on it. Or if the
girl you exchanged make-up tips with would still be able to
come over on a Saturday night to do your hair in pigtails.
This is FOOTBALL!!!! Mother F***ing Football with a capital
Get the dicks out of you're a** and get ready
to take you a**-whopping cause this is the year that DA
BEARZ runs right through all you bologna smuggling, wrump
wrangling, snake sucking c***suckers. Hail Butkus!!!!
Two things entered my mind here. First, I was thrilled to finally learn what "WTF" means. For all of these years, I thought WTF was a band or some sort of wrestling syndicate. Second, I am honored to be in the same league as one of the founders of Facebook. I had no idea Fat Guy No. 2 was in Mark Zuckerburg's garage when Facebook was being created.
However, my friend quickly alerted me that Fat Guy No. 2 felt the need to capitalize "Mother-F***ing." Now, I'm just disturbed to be in a fantasy league with a guy who sleeps with his own mother.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Philadelphia
Most of you will probably want to skip this one because it's obvious where I'm going with this.
In the week leading up to QB Dog Killer's debut, I knew things wouldn't go well. On one of the Philly hip-hop radio stations (98.9 FM), a misinformed DJ said, "Michael Vick isn't getting enough love from us. Let's give some love to Michael Vick." Heterosexually challenged, much?
Meanwhile, Philadelphia NCAAP President/Racist Clown Jerry Mondesire announced that there would be a pro-QB Dog Killer rally before the Eagles' exhibition game against the Jaguars. Mondesire's premise, aside from annoying everyone, was that QB Dog Killer needed a second chance. A second chance? Didn't the Eagles sign him? Am I missing something here? Mondesire is a busy man, so he may have missed the news; after all, it takes a lot of energy to organize stupid rallies that accomplish nothing (as opposed to actually doing something constructive).
So, the protestors, who really had no cause because QB Dog Killer was playing that night, marched around the stadium. They then collided with a group of angry anti-QB Dog Killer people who were boycotting the game.
Most news outlets repeatedly showed a scene where a tall white woman berated an elderly black man who looked at the camera with a sad look on his face. What most biased news outlets didn't show was when that same black man yelled at the white woman for being racist because she didn't support QB Dog Killer.
Yeah, because everyone would love a white man who took pleasure in drowning dogs in his pool or electrocuting them with his jumper cables. Oh, and I don't think your group would be marching if QB Dog Killer were white. Way to be a hypocrite.
And then the game began. By the end of the night, I was never more ashamed, embarrassed or humiliated to be a citizen of this soon-to-be-bankrupt city. Let's recap what happened during the exhibition contest:
1. The fans gave a standing ovation to a guy who electrocuted dogs with jumper cables, held dogs underwater in a pool until they drowned (while taking bets for how long they'd last) and hanged dogs from trees.
2. Some fans cheered Jaguars quarterback David Garrard when he was hurt and down on the field.
3. The fans chanted "We Want Vick" when Donovan McNabb threw an interception in the third quarter (shocker).
And I thought cheering when Michael Irvin suffered his career-ending injury, or throwing snowballs at Santa Claus was bad.
To be fair, there are a lot of decent Eagles fans out there who loyally support their team. However, they just weren't the idiots who were at Lincoln Financial Field that night. Instead, they were either home, at a bar, or outside of the stadium, voicing their displeasure regarding the addition of a demented psychopath.
Unfortunately, these decent fans had to deal with irrational protestors who felt that QB Dog Killer deserved something beyond the $6 million he received from the greedy Jeffrey Lurie. Oh, and let's not forget how miserable the Eagles' offense looked that night. After the game, Donovan McNabb told the media that the offense "lacked rhythm" when QB Dog Killer was on the field. Ruh roh.
Looks like the Eagles are getting everything they've asked for.