Note that this article contains spoilers from Seasons 1-5, but NOT Season 6. I don't know anything about Season 6 besides the name of the first episode.
JERK OF THE WEEK: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Lost is my favorite show ever. Those who have watched all five seasons will agree with me. Those who stopped watching during Season 2 when it dragged on for too long will sneer, "That show is still on? It sucks! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go watch mindless programming like the Jersey Shore, bro!"
Having said that, I'm listing Lost as a Jerk of the Week for two reasons:
First, the producers of the show - or whoever's in charge - decided to release two versions of the Season 5 DVD. You can get the regular Season 5 version at Best Buy for $30. Nothing wrong with that. However, you can also purchase a special Season 5 edition for "only" $100.
This "special edition" DVD set must contain some awesome stuff, right? I mean, it's $70 more than the regular DVD set. For the extra $70, I'd expect an official Dharma jumpsuit, a Sawyer-Juliet sex tape and a Kate Austen blowup doll. That's not too much to ask for, is it?
Unfortunately, none of those great things are included. Here's what comes with the "special edition" DVD set:
A welcome message for Horace Goodspeed.
Great. A welcome message from a hippie. I can go to one of the 5,000 Starbucks in downtown Philly for that.
A VHS tape containing a long version of the Barracks video.
This would have been cool - back in Season 2. The Dharma Initiative is no longer a mystery to us. I still maintain that a VHS tape containing a long version of Sawyer and Juliet getting it on would have been cooler.
Three leaflets about certain Dharma departments.
Wowowowwowow leaflets wowowowwow.
A map of the Barracks.
More like a map of boredom!
Terms and conditions of the Dharma Initiative.
Let me guess? You can't leave the vicinity of the barracks; you have to follow Horace's rules; you have to report any suspicious activity to LaFleur; you can't beat the s**t out of Phil even though you want to; and you can't join the Others and plan a war against the Dharma Initiative. Ben apparently did not buy this special edition DVD set.
Four Dharma logo jumpsuit patches.
Yes! Now I can proudly wear the patches around so everyone knows I'm a dork!
A CD version of Geronimo Jackson's single "Dharma Lady."
Whoop-dee-freaking-doo. If you have no taste in music and wanted to hear this song, all you had to do was download it on iTunes for $1.29. Hope you had fun spending your extra $70!
A sealed envelope from the Security Team, marked "Confidential." It contains the Letter of Truce, dated Aug. 15, 1973.
Wow, these Lost writers had some vision. They were already thinking of the show back in 1973. Most of the actors weren't even born yet!
The letter may seem cool, but if you really want to read it, all you have to do is go to Lostpedia.wikia.com. And it's not really that cool. We know what the truce was, and you can probably guess what all the rules were.
Look, I'm not bashing Lost at all - like I said, I love the show - but expecting people to shell out an extra $70 for this stuff, especially in this economy, is ridiculous. If you want to charge $20-$25 extra, I'm cool with that. But people can't afford to spend $70 on useless junk. It's not like we can crap gold coins out of our a**es like Glenn Beck.
OK, enough with Season 5 of Lost. The Season 6 premiere airs Tuesday night, which brings me to the second reason why I'm listing this as my Jerk of the Week:
I can't sleep trying to figure this damn show out. For the past few days, I've been thinking about what's going to happen. How will Season 6 begin? Did the characters really erase the first five seasons of the show by detonating a hydrogen bomb back in 1977? Does this mean they'll be landing in Los Angeles? If so, how will they make Walt look like he's 10 years old again?
This has been keeping me up for nights. Maybe I should wear those Dharma patches.
I have to say I'm depressed that this is the last season of Lost. The silver lining is that all of the questions will be answered, but I would be happier if they announced a surprise seventh season. I know all good things must come to an end, but we'll be losing the most intelligent show on TV.
I guess we'll always have crap MTV programming like the Jersey Shore. As one of those cast members would say:
"Eh yo... haha... uhh... haha... eh yo... how ya doin bro, how ya doin... eh yo..."
With only 18 episodes remaining, here are the 10 questions I want answered:
1. Who are Adam and Eve?
In the first season, the Losties found a cave that provides shelter and water. In that cave, they discover two skeletons - a man and a woman. They're dubbed "Adam and Eve." The Lost creators have indicated that this is one of two things that will prove that they've had the major plot line planned all along.
My Theory: The most logical answers are Jack and Kate, Sawyer and Kate, or Jin and Sun. I'll go out on a limb here - I say it's Charlie and Claire.
Yes, Charlie is dead, but there's a reason Hurley went back to the island, right? Whatever he's been carrying around in that guitar case is probably important. I think it might be a way to bring Charlie back to life. And then Charlie can save Evil Claire and make her normal again.
I don't know. It's the craziest thing that makes some sort of sense. Actually, it's probably Jin and Sun.
My Crackpot Theory: Hurley and Miles. Think about it. The two make such a great comedic team. They should never be separated. And Miles has a girlish figure. Maybe back in Season 1, Jack found a stash of Dharma beer, got drunk and mistook "Eve" for a smaller man. Don't be shocked if this happens.
2. What are the Whispers?
This has been haunting us since Season 1 when the scary French woman warned Sayid to run if he heard any whispers. Of course, we'd find out four years later that the French woman was scared of the whispers when a younger Ben told her to run away if she ever heard them.
My Theory: Esau - or whatever the name of Jacob's nemesis is - can turn into any dead person on the island (Christian Shephard, Locke, Yemi). He can also scan anyone's thoughts and recreate an image (Kate's horse, Hurley's imaginary friend). If so, I don't think it's crazy to speculate that he can recreate the voices of anyone who died on the island.
My Crackpot Theory: There are no whispers. Jack is just drunk and hearing things.
3. Why is Walt special?
Walt made birds fly into a window. He hit a bull's-eye with a knife. He was kidnapped by the Others and was asked to perform tests. He later told Locke that he had dreams of him back on the island.
Unfortunately, the actor portraying Walt grew too old, prompting the Lost creators to think, "Crap! We didn't realize this damn kid would age so quickly! We need to get him off the show!"
My Theory: Walt is the reincarnation of Jacob. "Jacob" didn't fight back against Ben because he wasn't Jacob anymore. Walt is the new Jacob.
My Crackpot Theory: Walt is not special. Jack is just drunk and seeing things.
No wait, I have a better one: Walt is Matthew Abaddon. If you take the 2007 version of Walt and stick him back in 1977 - maybe he hid in the back of Ajira 316 - and then age him 30 years, it's definitely possible. Adaddon knew about Locke when he told him to go on his walkabout. And when Abaddon saw Walt on the streets of New York in Season 5, he commented, "That boy has grown." When did Abaddon see Walt before? How could he say he has grown if he had never seen him before? And why did Abaddon leave Locke and Walt alone?
This doesn't explain why Walt is so special, but if you think about it, are his abilities any more amazing than Locke's cured paralysis?
4. Why do pregnant women die on the island?
Juliet was recruited by the Others a few years before the show began because pregnant women kept dying in their second trimester.
My Theory: The statue they showed at the beginning of the Season 5 finale was Taweret, the Egyptian goddess of birth. My theory is that when the hydrogen bomb blew up in 1977, it destroyed the Taweret statue. Ever since, women haven't been able to give birth. Perhaps that's why Eloise Hawking had to leave the island.
My Crackpot Theory: The last person born on the island was Ethan, right? Perhaps the island knew how much of a douche bag Ethan would become and declared that no new babies could be born.
5. Will Lost ever delve into Alvar Hanso or Gerald DeGroot?
We know that Alvar Hanso and Gerald DeGroot founded the Dharma Initiative. We also know that Alvar's ancestor, Magnus, was captain of the Black Rock. Other than that, we don't know anything about these two mysterious men. So, the question is, will we see Alvar Hanso or Gerald DeGroot in Season 6?
My Theory: No.
My Crackpot Theory: Yes.
6. What happened to Annie?
Annie was young Ben's little girlfriend back in the mid 1970s. She gave him a pair of dolls representing each other for Ben's birthday. Thirty years later, Ben would look at the dolls on his birthday, indicating that he still cared for Annie.
But where did Annie go? They didn't show her during the purge, and I doubt Ben would have killed her. They didn't show her at all in Season 5. What happened to Annie?
My Theory: Annie was ushered off the island in 1977 along with everyone else from the Dharma Initiative. Interestingly enough, Kate Austen was born in 1977, and her mother was named Annie too. Hmm...
I say Ben impregnated Annie in 1976 (hey, teen pregnancy was an issue back then too). Annie then gave birth to Kate nine months later. In Season 3, Ben had that nice breakfast with Kate because he finally wanted to spend some time with his daughter. Crazy, but remotely possible.
My Crackpot Theory: That wasn't crackpotish enough?
7. What is Richard Alpert's origin, and why can't he age?
We were first introduced to Richard Alpert in Season 3. Back then, we thought he was just another one of Ben's cronies. But then we saw him in the 1970s and 1950s, and he looked exactly the same.
My Theory: Richard Alpert came on the Black Rock. He was the only crew member who didn't kill or shoot anyone - as Esau indicated those people would do - so Jacob rewarded him with eternal life.
My Crackpot Theory: Screw Jacob. The black eyeliner Richard Alpert wears has magical powers.
8. What is in the Temple?
When Ben learned that the a**holes on the freighter were coming, he ordered his people to go to the Temple. He later asked his daughter to do the same. The black smoke monster protects the Temple. And Richard Alpert took a dying young Ben there to save his life.
My Theory: I honestly have no idea. Perhaps this is where Richard Alpert keeps a secret stash of black eyeliner.
My Crackpot Theory: When Richard Alpert took young Ben from Sawyer and Kate, he said, "If I take him, he'll never be the same again. He'll lose his innocence."
That gave it away! The Temple is the secret headquarters of NAMBLA!
9. What happened to Claire?
Claire was the show's cute blonde until she disappeared in the middle of Season 4. She just abandoned her baby and walked into the jungle. The only time we would see her after that was at the end of Season 4, when she was hanging out in Jacob's cabin with her dead father, Christian Shephard.
My Theory: Claire is dead. She died when the house exploded. That's why Miles curiously looked at her as they walked through the jungle with Sawyer. I don't think the Lost writers did this by accident. Miles can hear the thoughts of dead people, and I think he was picking something up from Claire. However, it is possible that he was just checking out her rear end.
In Jacob's cabin, Claire was not the same sweet girl we saw in the first 3-and-a-half seasons. She was calm and serene, and she looked like she had all the answers. Remind you of anyone? How about Evil Locke?
My Crackpot Theory: Claire has become evil. Think about what she has gone through on the show: She had to give birth on the island. She was kidnapped by the Others. She was nearly killed by the Others. She almost died in a car accident (off the island). She found out her father was an a**hole. She went through Charlie's death. And the house she was living in blew up.
If all of this stuff happened to me, I'd say, "F*** this, I'm joining the bad guys!"
10. Who are Jacob and Esau, what is the loophole, and what do the Shadow Statue people have to do with all of this?
All of those theories were debacled when Jacob and his nemesis (Esau?) had that conversation on the beach. Esau proclaimed that he would find a loophole and eventually kill Jacob. Jacob nonchalantly waved him off. However, about 250 years later, Esau would finally find that loophole and have Ben kill Jacob in the statue.
Meanwhile, these weird people arrived on the island, began knocking out anyone who didn't know the answer to their "What lies in the shadow of the statue?" riddle, torched Jacob's cabin, and told dFrank Lapidus that he's a candidate for something.
My Theory: I have no idea where to begin with Jacob and Esau. Well, we know one represents good, and the other represents evil. Jacob has faith in humanity. He keeps bringing individuals to the island to prove to Esau that people can exist peacefully and harmoniously. Esau, meanwhile, becomes a smoke monster (presumably), kills those who aren't innocent and takes the form of any dead person on the island. I can tell you this much - Esau will not be invited to my next house party.
Jacob and Esau appear to be mythical beings - two individuals fighting for control of this special island. They obviously can't kill each other, and I doubt Jacob, the good guy, would even want to do that to Esau. Jacob probably thinks that if he can prove Esau wrong about humanity, maybe Esau will change.
Esau, meanwhile, has spent the past 250-plus years plotting Jacob's death. I would speculate that the loophole is having Jacob's leader (i.e. the leader of the Others) kill Jacob with Esau's influence. That's the only thing that makes sense to me at the moment.
The Shadow Statue people could be descendants of the Black Rock crew. Maybe that's how they knew Richard's original name. Maybe their ancestors were once Jacob's people, but were tricked by Esau into leaving the island. And perhaps Frank Lapidus is a candidate to become the next Jacob if Esau were able to succeed in killing the current Jacob.
My Crackpot Theory: Jack got drunk, passed out, and dreamt about Jacob and Esau. They aren't real.
In all seriousness, nothing I can come up with will be as good as what we'll see this season. I just hope all of these questions are answered - though I wouldn't mind some of them being addressed in a surprise Season 7.