JERK OF THE WEEK: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
If you're a sensible person and live somewhere warm, unlike us idiots in the north who have to endure blizzards every year, you may not have heard about an ice storm that knocked out power for nearly a million people here.
Power went out for me at 11 a.m. when my ceiling fan stopped spinning, my humidifier ceased spraying mist and my Sleepnumber*** bed deflated. Ugh, so would that mean that I'd have to lie in bed like a normal person instead of my comfy 35-number rating? That's so barbaric.
Outages are inconvenient for everyone, but they're especially frustrating for me because I work online. I need electricity to power my laptop and modem so I can post updates for the site. I have a Verizon hot spot, so I can function without power for a couple of hours, but I eventually need to charge everything.
Well, I'm typing this at 8:03 p.m., and I still don't have electricity in my home. I'm actually sitting in a Saladworks next to a whole hoard of firemen. One of them walked in and said the following:
"I just talked to one of the PECO guys. He said they're getting power back soon for the commercial area way down County Line. I asked about our neighborhood here, and he said 'we haven't even thought about starting that yet.' They just want to get the businesses running first and we just don't matter at all. You know, we wouldn't be having this problem if PECO put everything underground, but they're running everything just like they did back in the 80s because they just collect money and have us all by the balls."
I absolutely hate that. Those f***ers are so selfish. And ridiculous too. It's 20-f***ing-14. Scientists have developed technology to implant actual data into human DNA, and yet we're still at the mercy of this a**hole PECO company. There should be zero power outages in this day and age. ZERO. Well, maybe if some fat slob falls asleep at his chair and hits the "power off" button because he's hung over from drinking too many Duff beers, I could see it, but that would be the only plausible explanation for a power outage. It's a freaking disgrace that there are any disruptions of any sort.
Another frustrating aspect of PECO power outages is that the company doesn't let anyone know how long repairs are going to take. I just called PECO's number, and it's the same damn automated message that I heard back at 3 p.m. The same, fat-sounding woman keeps repeating that "623,000 PECO customers are without power" and that "1,500 technicians are working to repair the problem," but there's no indication of when things will be functional again. What are these 1,500 idiots doing? Are they capable of actually completing their jobs? Or are they frolicking in the snow and having man-sex orgies? I bring this up because their inability to fix a problem in nine hours is inexplicable.
I'm fine with working at Saladworks - especially since I know everyone there because I eat there multiple times per week - but the restaurant closes at 9, so I fear I'll be kicked out at the top of the next hour.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do after that. Check into a hotel, maybe? Gather enough TNT to bomb PECO headquarters? That may not seem wise because it'll mean I'll never have power again, but it's not like my electricity is coming on anytime soon anyway. The only downside to bombing PECO is that gay-rights activists may send me hate mail for disrupting the PECO man-sex orgies. Oh well.
On the bright side, typing away at Saladworks has given me ample Jerks of the Week material. My jerks saga actually began at Panera Bread.
I've seen people work on laptops at Panera Bread. They have free Wi-Fi***, so that makes sense. I don't need the Wi-Fi, but perhaps I'd be able to plug in my laptop and hot spot.
My heart sank when I walked into Panera Bread. Every single table near an outlet was occupied. I walked around the restaurant twice, and I couldn't find anything near an available outlet.
Outside of not being able to work, two things pissed me off about this:
First, several a**holes monopolized both outlets. They had their laptop plugged into one and their iPhone charging in the other. If there are limited outlets, it's an unwritten rule that people are limited to just one. It's just matter of being considerate. If I were at the only table with an outlet, I wouldn't plug both of my devices in. I'd charge one and allow someone else to sit across from me. I wouldn't be an a**hole and charge my fancy-shmancy phone. Then again, I don't have a fancy-shmancy phone, but whatever.
Second, I managed to look at what people were doing on their laptops, and nine out of 10 were on Facebook! Here, I'm trying to work and generate income so I can pay my employees and send a check to my mortgage company, yet these douche bags are seeing how many "likes" they had for a cool status they just posted. No, dick, no one cares that you made a joke about the power outage or a remark about the slow lady driving in front of you. The three people who liked your status are simply bored out of their minds. In fact, they're probably sitting in that same Panera Bread, keeping me from doing actual, productive work.
Anyway, there were some people of note in Panera Bread:
1. A fat, elderly lady with curly hair was sitting in the corner near the wall and a window. It looked like there might have been an outlet there, but every time I looked in her direction, she gave me the stink eye. It's like she thought I was trying to check her out. Maybe I would've done so 45 years ago when she was not obese and not geriatric.
I didn't quite understand this lady anyway. All she was doing was sitting there. She wasn't eating or using an electronic device. She just sat there the whole time and gave me the stink eye. Perhaps she was there to pick up dudes, but didn't deem me worthy of her lardy old snatch. I just puked in my mouth a little bit.
2. A family of three sat near a booth right next to an outlet. It appeared as though they were done eating. They had a laptop plugged in, but no one was using it. The husband was slumped over, and it seemed like he was completely intoxicated. His wife, an average-looking brunette in her late 40s, sat there and looked at her husband. Their son, who was about 6, was bouncing all over the place. It just appeared as though they were both worn out from him.
I was hoping they'd get up so I could commandeer their table, but they didn't budge. In fact, the woman was eying me evilly like the other one. It was almost like she could sense that I wanted her table, yet she didn't do or say anything to me. She just gazed at me with a malicious look in her eyes, while her husband was trying to hold in his own vomit.
3. I stood there, waiting for someone to get up. And then it happened - a woman working on her laptop packed up her things. I began walking toward her table, but WITHIN SECONDS, another family of three that had been at another table took over her spot. A 12-year-old boy eagerly plugged in his laptop and iPhone, monopolizing both outlets. What a dick. USE ONLY ONE OUTLET SO SOMEONE ELSE CAN, SELF-ENTITLED DOUCHE!
4. Again, I remained there, ready to pounce on someone else's table. As I waited, I texted my girlfriend, Anti-Facebook Girl, venting all my frustrations to her about this evening. As I was texting away, I heard a couple of girls giggling. Two chicks who looked like they were in college were standing in line and looking at my phone.
OK, so I have an old phone. It doesn't have the Internet and uses a 1X network, but so what? At least I don't have to plug mine in every five seconds. My phone can go without being charged for five days! So, the next time you're laughing at some dude with a fossilized cell phone, ugly hoe bags, know that he's not a selfish a**hole who has to utilize both outlets at a restaurant.
Completely frustrated, I stormed out of Panera Bread. Where would I go? I thought. The answer, as it turns out, was right in front of me.
I suspected that there might be tables near outlets in Saladworks, so I stopped in and asked the manager if that was the case. As it turns out, it was. There were exactly two tables near outlets. One was being occupied by a decent-looking Russian woman and her two kids, but the other was free! It only had one available hole because the lights were plugged into the other one, but having one source of energy replenishment was good enough for me.
As with Panera Bread, there were a number of strange characters dining at Saladworks this evening. Here's the rundown:
1. First of all, the Russian woman had been there for a while, according to the manager. Well, she remained there for another hour. I have no idea why she sat at Saladworks for so long, but maybe it was because of me. That sounds overly cocky, but this Russian woman kept eying me. Unlike the old woman, however, she looked like she was highly interested in shoving me into the bathroom and having her way with me.
I found this completely bizarre. Why did a hot woman want to bang, yet a geriatric slob appear as though she wanted nothing to do with me? Do power outages make all women completely insane?
2. Three older people were at a table in front of me. One old man was wearing suspenders and an Ohio State baseball cap. He was sitting next to a white-haired woman who looked around 80.
I don't know what they were talking about throughout the entire evening because I simply didn't focus on them at all, but they got my attention when they had the following exchange about this power outage:
Ohio State Fan: You got your generator, your shotgun, your water, and you keep all the liberals out.
Old Woman: Muhahahaha!
Yes, the old woman actually went "muhahaha!" It's like she was some sort of super villainess.
What the Ohio State fan said was most amusing to me though. I love how he listed "shotgun" before "water." Also, it's great that his primary concern was warding away liberals instead of thieves, rapists and murderers, who might look to take advantage of an extended power outage. Nope, those damn liberals are our primary concern!
3. Someone else had my problem. A fat, blonde chick walked in with her hot brunette friend. While the friend stood in line for a salad, the blonde chick, naturally uninterested in healthy food, walked toward my side of the restaurant, scouring the wall for an outlet. She seemed to spot that I was sitting near one, so she looked at me with extreme anger and jealousy. I guess that's the expression I had at Panera Bread. No wonder that mother was eying me.
The fat blonde sat down with her friend. The brunette eventually finished her dinner and then went to the bathroom. The blonde then flipped out her phone and called someone. I looked up seconds later, and there were tears in her eyes! I couldn't exactly hear her too clearly, but I imagined she was saying one of two things:
1. "I came here to Saladworks and I hoped they had an outlet so I could plug in my George Foreman Grill, and there's some a**hole using the only outlet WAHHHHHH!!!"
2. "I came here to Saladworks with my hot brunette friend. I was hoping the guys would fall in love with me because of my impressive flab handles, but they're all staring at my friend, WAHHHHHH!!!"
Just when I was convinced that she was whining about one of these two things, I heard her say the words "both" and "outlet."
It was clear now what she was crying about. She wanted to plug something in - perhaps her George Foreman Grill - but she was upset because she thought I was using both outlets like those douchebags at Panera Bread.
I wasn't though. I swear to God, I wasn't. One of the holes was for the lights! I wanted to convey this to her, but both she and her friend, who just came back from the bathroom, gave me the stink eye.
That's what, six women who either laughed at me or gave me angry glares tonight? I can only hope to God that this power outage ends quickly before one of them decides to kill me - that is, of course, unless the liberals don't get me first.