I've been to two weddings this month. What's odd is that I've only been to one wedding in my entire life prior to this month. That was my college roommate Dennis' wedding back in 2009. I did a Retro Live Wedding Blog about it a year afterward because I started Jerks of the Week as soon as I came home from that wedding.
If my first wedding was the genesis of Jerks of the Week, the second wedding would have to provide more material for it, right? Well, I wasn't disappointed.
Some background first: The groom in this Jerks of the Week entry is one of my oldest friends. We met in first grade. He was playing some game with the other kids, but got knocked out. He walked away sobbing, as most 6-year-olds would if they lost. I saw him crying and asked what was wrong. Once he told me what happened, I said, "Let's play a game where we can't get knocked out!"
I'm not sure what we played. I do remember that I brought in a plastic "Zelda" sword from home, and for one afternoon I became the coolest kid in school for it. That was until the "big government" school officials deemed a plastic sword to be too violent and took it away from me. I never saw it again. To this day, I cry myself to sleep every night about it.
Sniffles. At any rate, my friend (let's call him Groom) and I had sleepovers every weekend throughout grade school. I loved going to his house because his parents would order Aldo's pizza every Friday night NOM NOM NOM NOM. We also hung out in high school, but didn't have as many sleepovers. Not that there's anything wrong with having male high school sleepovers.
We drifted apart in college though. I went to Penn State, and he went to Drexel. That was before Facebook was invented - seriously, how did people live back then? - and he wasn't the biggest proponent of AIM, so we didn't keep in touch all that much. I moved back to Philly after I graduated, but he got a job in New York, so he moved to North Jersey.
Prior to the wedding, I hadn't seen him since New Year's 2008, so I was looking forward to the wedding. So there, I didn't just go to his wedding for the jerks and hot bridesmaids. But yeah, there were jerks, including...
1. Drunken Elevator Creep:
It didn't take me very long to find my first jerk. Literally 30 seconds after checking in to the hotel, I saw him waiting by the elevator.
This guy wore a cheesy leather jacket and sunglasses. His black hair was slicked back and in a ponytail. He reeked of alcohol. He was also standing with some woman, and I assumed they were together until we all got into the elevator.
The guy pushed two buttons: 3 and 9, which I thought was weird. After the elevator stopped on the third floor, a couple of other people got out, but he and the woman remained. When he started talking, it became clear as to what was going on.
Drunken Elevator Creep: I jussss drrrove poossss levvelll 3 to beeee with yewwwww.
The woman cringed, while Drunken Elevator Creep leered at her a** the whole time.
Drunken Elevator Creep: I gonnn havvv parrttty innnn myyy roooom lattururrrr.
Fortunately for the woman, the elevator got to the ninth floor, and she was able to get out. I was on the 10th floor, so I had to ride up with Drunken Elevator Creep for a few seconds.
Drunken Elevator Creep: Nowww I'm gonnnn huvvv tewww wait furrr elvatorrr teww goo dowwwnnn to levvvel 3.
Me: That's pretty rough.
I got out when the elevator door opened, leaving Drunken Elevator Creep behind.
Who knows? Maybe he got lucky and some other hot chick got onto the elevator with him on its way down. If so, I'm willing to bet he rode down with her to the lobby just to leer at her butt.
2. Fat Me:
After the wedding ceremony, there was all of this great food in the reception area. There were about 10 different stations, all serving various food items. I nearly had an aneurysm deciding what to eat, though I was disappointed that there wasn't a table with Aldo's pizza.
I wasted no time piling different sorts of food onto my plate. I decided on pasta, sausage, cheese and salami, and perhaps a couple of other things I don't remember at the moment. After scarfing everything down, I got even more.
The four people I was hanging out with were amazed by how much I was eating.
Girl A: Are you still eating that food? You're a slow eater.
Me: NOM NOM NOM NO SECOND PLATE FOR ME NOM NOM NOM!!!
Friend A: You shouldn't eat while you drink because you won't get drunk, bra.
Me: NOM NOM NOM ME NO CARE ME EAT FOOD NOM NOM NOM!!!
Friend B: Hey, Girl B, what do you have there?
Girl B: Mashed potatoes in a glass... whoa, Walt, that's a lot of food.
Me: NOM NOM NOM NOT ENOUGH FOOD FOR ME NOM NOM NOM!!!
Girl A: Walt, you have a droplet of spaghetti sauce on your jacket.
Me: NOM NOM NOM SO WHAT NOM NOM NOM!!!
Luckily, Girl A was able to brush it off without there being a stain. Not that a stupid stain would have prevented me from stuffing my face.
Unfortunately, I ate so much food in the reception area that I didn't have enough room for the two main courses. There was this delicious chicken and crab cakes, but I couldn't finish the former.
As for the latter? Well, I can't say I'm a big fan of crab cakes. Call me crazy, but putting flour, dough, sugar, chocolate, etc. on crabs doesn't sound too appealing. Blegh.
3. Champagne Girl:
After the wedding party was over, some people went over to the bar in the hotel. We were just talking when this girl brought over a bottle of champagne to the groom.
The groom opened the bottle of champagne, and poured some into two glasses. He gave one to his wife and started drinking one himself. I didn't think anything of it until the following conversation took place...
Random Person: Hey Groom, who gave that champagne bottle to you?
Groom: I have no idea.
Random Person: What do you mean?
Groom: I have no idea who the f*** she is!
Uh oh. As a man who has been roofied before - I'll save that story for the Jerks of the College Years book - I felt like I needed to warn my friend of 23 years about this.
Me: Hey man, maybe you shouldn't drink that.
Groom: Why not?
Me: You don't know who that girl is. Maybe she put something in the champagne.
Groom's eyes lit up. He snatched the champagne glass out of his wife's hands.
Groom: Babe, don't drink that!
As Groom's oldest friend and a pseudo-journalist, I thought it was my duty to investigate. I approached the girl. Apparently, she was just some wealthy chick who was happy to see a young couple get married.
She seemed normal until she started saying weird things like having fond memories of this hotel because she met Keith Richards here, but then she made it seem like she actually bought a t-shirt of Richards instead of actually meeting him. I was so confused by the conversation, but I still would have attempted to game her if her husband wasn't sitting on the couch and giving me dirty looks.
I couldn't figure out if Champagne Chick roofied the bottle or not until I saw Groom looking healthy the following morning. Crisis averted, people! Walt has saved the day!
4. Hotel Food:
The hotel served some great breakfast the following morning, so when I say "Hotel Food," I'm referring to the food they had late at night - or a lack thereof.
When I got back to my hotel room around 2:30, I went to the vending machine to buy a bottle of water and a snack. To my chagrin, there was only a machine for beverages on my floor - and a bottle of water cost $2.50.
What was this, the freaking desert? It's North Jersey. There's water everywhere. Sure, the water in the mid-Atlantic is black and poisonous, but still. A f***ing bottle of water shouldn't require me to take out a loan at the local bank.
And where was the food? I thought going down to the lobby would be a good idea. On the ride down, my aforementioned friend, Friend A, got on to the elevator with me. He was so drunk that it took him 10 seconds to realize it was me. But we both had similar goals in mind - we were hungry.
The guy at the front desk had a thick European accent.
Friend A: Doo yewww got somewurrr to eattt rounnnd hmyalll?
Front Desk Guy: Ehh... iz vending machine on zee second floor.
We went to the second floor, and they actually had snacks in one of the machines. I bought some animal crackers for 75 cents. Unlike water, animal crackers apparently aren't in low supply in North Jersey.
Friend A, however, didn't know what to buy. After taking five minutes to decide, he bought these weird honey pretzels. He took one bite, spit it out, and declared, "I dunnn likkee theeese."
We went back down to the lobby to see if there were any other food options.
Me: Are there any restaurants or late-night pizza joints around here?
Front Desk Guy: Ehh... iz a pizza close, but iz take one hour to deliver zee pizza.
One hour for delivery? What is this, Soviet Russia?
Me: What about like a McDonald's or a Wendy's?
Front Desk Guy: Ahh! Izz McDonald izz close by. Go out, make right at zee light and go straight for half zee mile and izz McDonald.
I was sober enough to drive at that point - in truth, I stopped drinking around 1 because I had to do some work on this Web site before going to bed, since the wedding started at 6 and it was an hour-long drive just to get to the hotel - so I volunteered to drive over to McDonald's.
This was a mistake.
I made a right at "zee light" and proceeded to go straight. Twenty seconds later, however, the road split into two. There was a left fork and a right fork, and neither was particularly straight.
Me: Where do I go? Where do I go!?!?
Friend A: I dunnnnnnnooooo!!!
I literally stopped in the middle of the road to figure things out, but this did not please the driver behind me, who started honking his horn and flashing his lights like some douche bag.
Friend A: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
Me: What do I do!? What do I do!?
Friend A: Goooo leefffff!!!
We went left. We drove for about five minutes, but didn't see a McDonald's or any other sort of eatery. We turned around, went back to the hotel and tried the right path this time. That led us to some sort of highway, so I had to take the next exit and go back.
Me: Should we just give up?
Friend A: Try leffff gainnnn I thinnn I sawww somethunnn.
We took the left road again, and sure enough, there was a small McDonald's logo with an arrow pointing right. We made a right at the next shopping center, but found nothing but a bank and other random stores. We left the parking lot, went down a bit more, but still didn't see a McDonald's. That's when we decided to give up.
Friend A and I went back to the hotel and rode the elevator back up to our rooms. When we got up to his floor, he asked me if I wanted his weird honey pretzel things that he was still carrying around for some reason. I said sure, and he walked out of the elevator.
As the elevator door closed and began rising to the 10th floor, I tried one of the honey pretzel things.
Blegh! It was terrible. In fact, it was so disgusting that I nearly called Friend A to see if he wanted to try to find McDonald's again.
5. Drunkest Guy Ever:
Friend A, by the way, shall now be called the Drunkest Guy Ever.
I've seriously never seen anyone as drunk as him in my entire life - and that's saying something because I went to Penn State for six years.
Drunkest Guy Ever was on his fourth beer when I met him at the hotel bar 40 minutes before the wedding started. All he did was drink, smoke cigarettes or go to the bathroom the entire time. He didn't eat anything either, as he kept saying, "I drink my carbs."
By midnight, Drunkest Guy Ever was yelling random things, particularly at his girlfriend. By 2 a.m., he could barely speak. I found it highly amusing that my friend's new wife made fun of him:
Drunkest Guy Ever: I'mmm gonnn havvvvv anuthhh berrrrrr.
Bride: Mblah mblah mblah mblah mblah mblah!
Drunkest Guy Ever: Whyyyy yewww makunnn funnn meeeee???
Bride: Mblah mblah mblah mblah mblah mblah!
This was the first time I ever met Bride, so it was at this point that I knew for sure that Groom did a good job.
At any rate, the last time I saw Drunkest Guy Ever was when he got off the elevator and handed me those weird honey pretzel things. The following morning over breakfast, Friend B, who happens to be the brother of Drunkest Guy Ever, recounted what happened once Drunkest Guy Ever got back to the hotel room.
DGE's Brother: Drunkest Guy Ever peed the bed last night!
DGE's Brother: He peed the bed with his girlfriend in it!
I nearly spit orange juice out of my nose upon hearing this. DGE's Brother continued...
DGE's Brother: It was terrible. Then, he got out of bed, took off his boxers and flung them against the wall.
DGE's Brother: I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "Myy beeddzzz allll weeeet."
DGE's Brother: I was like, "Dude, what are you doing? Put your boxers back on!" But all he said was "nyyeeeghhh!!!" And then he passed back out in his own urine.
Me: Awesome. How's he doing now?
DGE's Brother: He was a mess when we left the room. He was throwing up in a trash can and telling us he was going to die.
Drunkest Guy Ever is still alive. But if we had found the McDonald's, maybe he could have gone into the bathroom there instead of urinating all over his girlfriend.
If the Bills QB is Mike Glennon, I'm driving right down to the Niagara River and jump off the Peace Bridge. And if Bills GM Doug Whaley does not keep Tyrod Taylor, I will drive Whaley down there and push him off the Peace Bridge. That's what us mafia people do if you do something stupid.