Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2015





Jerks of the Week: Nov. 9, 2015


JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks at My Sister's Wedding - Part 2

I discussed the first part of the Jerks of My Sister's Wedding here, if you missed it. If you're fat and lazy like me, and you feel like it would take too much energy to click that link, some of the topics I discussed were:

  • My sanity level as a result of not being able to sleep much, given that the wedding was on a football Sunday.

  • Everyone's malice toward me because I was apparently late to this wedding, even though it wasn't my fault.

  • Some douche camera guy who kept telling me to put my chin down, even though I was basically looking at the ground.

    However, all of those items occurred prior to the actual wedding. We drove over to the location where the ceremony and reception would take place. We were early, so I drove my girlfriend back to my parents' house, so she could pick up her car. She planned on drinking later, so it would make sense if we went back in just one car. I'd have the misfortune of being mostly sober, as I'd have an entire slate of football games to watch - yeah, I know, my life is so difficult - so I was the obvious choice as the designated driver.

    By the time we got back to the wedding location, there was panic amongst the bridesmaids. Apparently, my sister's bouquet was missing.

    I volunteered to look around, but only to get into everyone's good graces again. Like I said, everyone was mad at me for some reason, so this was my chance to be the hero and save the day.

    There was just one problem: I didn't know what a bouquet looked like. Yeah, I know, they're like flowers, or whatever, but what color is a bouquet? And does it have anything special attached to the flowers? Some candy, perhaps? Or what about one of those teddy bears that come with those Valentine's Day flowers?

    I did a quick Google image search of "bouquet," and it wasn't much help. Try it yourself, and see how many flower combinations there are. I see red flowers, orange flowers, yellow flowers, blue flowers, purple flowers, pink flowers, white flowers. Basically, every color except black.

    I almost stopped searching for the bouquet because I was offended. Why were there all types of colors except black? What, are the black (African American?) flowers not good enough? Why can't they be represented in bouquets? Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesse Jackson would be rolling in their graves right now if they learned of this.

    However, it was my sister's wedding, so I put my mission to be as PC Bro as possible aside. Flowers... flowers... flowers... where could there possibly be flowers?

    And that's when it hit me: There were flowers in the middle of each table! All I'd have to do is grab one of those and tell everyone that I found the bouquet, and then I'd be a hero! It was only a matter of assembling the right colors, so I had to find out for sure what color flowers my sister had in her bouquet.

    I approached one of the bridesmaids and asked this question. She shook her head.

    "Walt, she just left them on the bus," she said. "The bus is coming back, so she'll have it soon."

    Curses! I thought my grand-master plan would allow me to go down as the savior of this wedding. Instead, everyone would go on hating me. Oh well.





    The Dreaded Introduction:

    The ceremony went well. At least for the bride and groom. I, on the other hand, was having issues. You see, I have chronic back issues, so I can't stand up for too long without it hurting. Seriously, it's bad. Even if I walk around the mall for a bit, I have to sit down and allow my back to take a break. And here's the sad thing: I'm only 33. I can't imagine how much pain I'll be in when I'm 43, 53, 63, etc. I'm holding out hope that science invents something that allows humans to never walk again. That will be the greatest invention since lesbian porn.

    I was struggling throughout the ceremony. The dress shoes made it worse. I kept bending my knees, but nothing worked. I was wincing in pain during the second half of the ceremony. Some people may have thought I was crying tears of joy, but I was just trying my hardest not to topple over.

    Next time, I'm going to request a wheelchair. Seriously. I desperately need one. And I could tell people who don't know me that I got injured during the war. What war, I don't know, but a war nonetheless. Unfortunately, this stratagem wasn't going to work so well at my sister's wedding, given that A) Everyone knows that I make fun of people on the Internet rather than fight in wars and B) The guy she's marrying served in the military, so this would be in bad taste. Then again, everyone hated me already, so how much worse could it get?

    Once the ceremony was over, it was the time I was most dreading - when we'd be announced to the wedding guests.

    "What are we doing when we enter the room?" I asked my girlfriend. She just shook her head. "I don't know, just improvise, I guess," she replied.

    Improvise? IMPROVISE!? How can I possibly improvise? I don't know how to dance at all, yet I was supposed to improvise? This would be like flying down to some third-world country and telling an illiterate, hungry kid, "Hey, write a college-level essay for me, and if you don't know what to write about, just improvise."

    He obviously can't improvise a college-level essay, much like I can't improvise any dance moves. If you think this is too extreme of an example, I mean, OK, I guess it is. Writing a college-level essay is easy because you don't have to do it in front of hundreds of people who will all inevitably laugh at you. Sorry, third-world country kid, improvising dance moves is much more difficult.

    I suddenly had a panic attack. I still didn't know what to improvise. I asked my girlfriend what we were doing again, and she sounded annoyed this time. "I don't know, Walt, just figure it out."

    Figure it out? FIGURE IT OUT!?

    The clock was ticking. One-by-one, those in front of us were being introduced. Two couples left. Then one left. Then just us.

    "The brother of the bride, Walter Cherepinsky, and his girlfriend-!" I heard the announcer shout, as I moved through the door. My girlfriend walked ahead of me, leaving me behind. I waved my hand in the air - I wish I didn't care - and then waved my other hand. And then my first hand again. And then I kept walking.

    "BOOOOOOOOOOO!" I heard someone yell. Seriously. Someone booed me.

    I got to the dance floor, where my girlfriend was already doing something on the dance floor. I tried to improvise and figure it out, but the best I could come up with was just cuffing my hands and moving them slightly up and down, and then tilting my body 10 degrees to the right and doing the same, and then 10 degrees to the left. I did this three times, and then my nightmare was over. The next couple was announced.

    "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?" the Reverend, a friend of mine, asked. I then looked at my other friend, Body Burner, who was laughing hysterically. My girlfriend shook her head.

    "You're the most awkward dude ever!" she shouted.

    No doubt. At that moment, I would've killed to be some third-world kid asked to write an essay.


    Dinner Disaster:

    My dad spent like a billion dollars on food. That's seriously all I heard during the months leading up to the wedding.

    "The food is going to be so good!" my parents frequently exclaimed. I, however, had my doubts. My parents are into fancy-shmancy Russian food, while my idea of a good meal is a double cheeseburger and cheese fries. This is what I want to eat at my wedding.

    I was pessimistic, but some of the food was fine. The lamb was good, and I was a fan of the potatoes, though this place didn't have any ketchup. I didn't get that. How could they have flowers at each table, but no ketchup? Ketchup is much more important!

    They eventually served this course featuring something I didn't recognize. My girlfriend, Body Burner and the Reverend all loved it. "Try it!" my girlfriend said.

    One of the things I hate most in this world is trying new stuff, but I relented. She put a piece of whatever it was onto my plate. I cut a piece off and shoved it into my mouth.

    BLEGH!

    I spit it out super quickly and then engulfed my entire glass of Pepsi. That still didn't take the horrible taste out of my mouth.

    "What the hell is that!?" I shrieked. "It's raspberry chicken," she said. "How can you not like it?"

    Raspberry chicken? RASPBERRY CHICKEN!? Who in their right mind eats raspberry chicken!? The things don't go together. It'd be like ordering pizza ice cream, or macaroni and pubes. Barbeque chicken, good. Fried chicken, great. Raspberry chicken, HORRIBLE! If my dad spent billions of dollars on food, why couldn't he at least have bought some fried chicken? It's not that difficult to find. All you have to do is go to KFC!

    I shoved the plate with the raspberry sauce under the table. Maybe this wasn't the classiest thing to do, but I didn't even want to look at that raspberry sauce anymore. It made me want to vomit.

    I initially settled on more potatoes and lamb. The Reverend looked at my plate and shook his head.

    "You're so bland," he said.

    So bland? SO BLAND? Meh, OK. Yes, I am bland. What's wrong with being bland? Bland is good. You know what you're getting with bland. You're getting safe stuff like potatoes and lamb. Or, very tasty stuff like double cheeseburgers and cheese fries. What you don't get, by being bland, is raspberry chicken, or macaroni and pubes.

    As crazy as it may sound, I think I'd rather have a plateful of macaroni and pubes over raspberry chicken. Fortunately, I don't have another sibling, so my dad won't have the opportunity to purchase macaroni and pubes for the next wedding.







    Dancing:

    I've gone over my hatred of dancing many times in Jerks of the Week, so I won't bore you. The gist of why I absolutely hate dancing is because it doesn't make sense to me. I took a year of physics in high school and endured two semesters of it at Penn State, yet they never taught us how to dance. The same goes for geometry class. I just don't get the physics and geometry of dancing, so I move so awkwardly that people laugh at how poorly I dance. Oh, and dancing for too long also hurts my back!

    My girlfriend wanted to dance after dinner, so I followed her to the dreaded dance floor. I tried to do stuff, but it wasn't working out.

    "Try to do what I'm doing!" she shouted, but I couldn't follow. It felt like I was always about three seconds behind, and I couldn't seem to copy her moves.

    "Move your feet!" she shouted. "You're not moving your feet!" Move my feet? How? In what way? What direction? What angle? How quickly? What force should I use when planting my feet back on the ground? What distance should my feet be apart from each other? Do I move one foot more than the other? Should I bend my knees? If so, what angle? Should I be bending them all the time? This stuff was not covered in my physics and geometry classes.

    This was stressing me out greatly, and I was about to have another panic attack, so I told my girlfriend I was going to the bathroom. I actually did have to go tinkle, but I could've held it in if I wasn't so upset about people laughing at my crappy dance moves.

    I'm telling you, I absolutely loathe dancing. It's so horrible. I'm being honest when I say this, but I'd rather have a root canal - and I've had one already - rather than dance for just as long. If I ever become President of the United States, my first act is to abolish dancing. That, and raspberry chicken.


    Other Hijinks:

    I walked into the bathroom, and a man in his 60s with a white mustache at the sink stopped me before I could approach a urinal.

    "Why are you sober!?" he shouted at me, inexplicably. I normally wouldn't have answered a random person's question in the bathroom, but he seemed so furious to be talking to someone who wasn't intoxicated, so I had to explain myself. By the time I was done, all he had to say was "hmph" and then left the bathroom. All-righty, then.

    After I was done peeing, I chose to go outside rather than back to the dance floor again. I found some of my friends sitting down at the tables out there, so I joined them. I sat there for a while as we BSed about random things. I knew I couldn't screw that up like I always do with dancing, so I remained there.

    Eventually, the news came around that my sister and her new husband were about to cut the cake. My friends stood up, and then I followed.

    CRASH! CRASH!

    The sound of glass shattering was heard near me.

    CRASH!

    What the hell was going on? I spun around, but still couldn't tell what was happening.

    CRASH! CRASH!

    "Walt, stop moving!" someone shouted, but it was too late. I stepped away from the table.

    CRASH! CRASH! CRASH! CRASH!

    I finally saw what was happening. The table cloth was caught on my pants, and with each step I took away from the table, the more table cloth I was taking with me. As a result, all of the glasses that were on this table cloth were plummeting to their demise. There was one glass still remaining on the table, but it was on the edge. I reached for it, but the table cloth completely fell off as a result.

    CRASH!

    I just single-handedly shattered 10 glasses. The people who saw this clapped sarcastically, as I once again embarrassed myself.

    I went back inside and found my girlfriend, who was now standing around the cake.

    "You'll never believe what happened!" she shouted. "Some blonde girl was pushing me around the dance floor and I almost started a fight with- wait, why are your pants all wet?"

    I described what happened, and she laughed.

    "You're the most awkward dude ever!" she said, repeating herself from earlier.

    Apparently, I am. But amid humiliating myself all evening, people began to laugh at me rather than hate me. So, I guess that's a plus.

    LOADING COMMENTS...



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    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
    Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
    Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
    Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
    Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
    Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
    Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
    Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
    Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
    Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
    Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
    Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
    Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
    Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
    Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
    Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
    Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
    Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
    Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
    Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
    Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
    Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
    Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
    Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
    Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
    Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
    Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
    Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
    Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
    Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
    Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
    Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
    Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
    Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
    Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
    Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
    Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
    Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
    Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
    Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
    Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
    Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
    Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
    Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
    Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
    Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
    Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
    Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
    Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
    Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
    Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
    Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
    Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
    Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
    Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
    Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Nov. 19


    2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 16


    2019 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 20


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


    2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


    NFL Power Rankings - May 5









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