Emmitt on the Brink – Season 8: Week 9

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt tasked to find Kim Jong-Jongson

JARED FOGLE’S MASTER PLAN

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, July 19, 2019

Emmitt, Ray Rice and Dianna Marie Russini tried all they could to escape their captors, but they were just overwhelmed by the sheer numbers in Jared Fogle’s army. Fogle’s men tied their arms and blindfolded them, and then escorted them out of the North Korea Nuclear Facility. They were then placed into a truck, which drove for what seemed like 30 minutes, though it was difficult for the three heroes to tell how much time had elapsed.

They were eventually taken into a cold, damp area. They were clearly underground again, and they could hear their footsteps echoing down what seemed like a hall. Suddenly, the blindfolds were removed. Emmitt, Rice and Russini were all in a cage. Fogle, surrounded by four armed guards, sneered at them from the other side of the bars.

“Think you could just get away with it?” Fogle hissed. “Sure, just waltz into the North Korea Nuclear Facility and ruin everything I’ve been building.”

“Building?” Emmitt asked, quite startled. “You made that building? I thought you were the guy who just talk about how you losted so much pounds on the TV.”

“Not literally, Emmitt,” Fogle replied. “Building my plan, to be more precise. This is nearly a decade’s worth of work!”

“What do you mean?” Rice asked.

“It started before I was arrested,” Fogle revealed. “As you may know, the age of consent in North Korea is 5. This is perfect for someone like me, who was shackled by barbaric American laws that prohibit those under 18 to have sex with adults. What sort of country did these oppressive law-makers think they were in, Saudi Arabia? A man like me has needs – needs that cannot be fulfilled by a simple footlong at the local Subway franchise.

“So, I struck a deal with the great Kim Jong-un,” Fogle continued. “In exchange for safe harbor and an endless supply of young women to satisfy my needs, I would give Kim Jong-un all of the My Little Pony dolls that I confiscated from my previous girlfriends. And now, you’re trying to ruin my sweet set-up. Do you know how miserable life would be if I had to go back to having sex with 18-year-old women? Do you!? Their smooth skin, perky breasts, hourglass figures… disgusting! Disgusting!”

“You’re the one who’s disgusting!” Rice snapped. “How can you have sex with little girls!? That’s horrible! You’re supposed to wait until they grow up so you can punch them if they misbehave!”

Russini shot Rice a dirty look and then turned toward Fogle.

“Jared, I respect your desires, and I might be able to help you,” Russini said softly, drawing curious looks from both Emmitt and Rice. “This girl I know – she’s sweet, young and innocent.”

Fogle licked his lips, while Emmitt and Rice stared at her in disbelief.

“Tell me more,” he hissed.

“She’s a girl with a curl,” she said, watching Fogle begin to sweat profusely. “She has blue eyes and a bright smile, and she blushes often, even when you call her name.”

Fogle began to touch himself inappropriately, and the rest of the guards followed suit.

“I need more information,” Fogle moaned. “What is her date of birth?”

“She was born recently, and if you let me out of this cage, I can show you her birth certificate. But I think she was born on Valentine’s Day, probably February 14, 2012,” she replied.

Suddenly, Fogle and his guards stopped touching themselves. He then slammed his fist on the cage.

“Born 2012? Born 2012!?” he shouted incoherently. “What do you think this is, Iran, where the age of consent is 7!? Born 2012!? You want to set me up with a 7-year-old!? That’s disgusting! She probably has developed boobs and some sort of hourglass figure already! I can … I can already feel myself throwing…”

Fogle vomited all over the cage. Much of it stuck to the bars, but some of the puke landed inside the cage.

“I can’t believe you would think that a man of my great taste would be interested in such an old woman!” Jared yelled, slamming his fists onto the bars. “I came to North Korea to date 5-year-olds, and I’ll be damned if I ever have to be forced into a sexual relationship with an elderly 7-year-old woman!”

Fogle left along with three of the four guards. The fourth remained still for a few seconds. He then quickly turned around, looked at the three heroes, spat into their cage, and proceeded to walk away.

“Sorry guys, I tried,” Russini said, shrugging her shoulders. “Now what?”

Rice remained silent, but Emmitt smiled. “Guys, we getting out of here in the blink of an eye drop.”