Emmitt on the Brink – Season 10: Week 9

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

THE FIRST SAGE MEETS HIS DEMISE

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Sept. 17, 2020

Evil Emmitt and Ezekiel Elliott crept in the bushes of a large, white mansion from afar. They stared at the back door intently, and it was clear that Evil Emmitt was anticipating that something would happen.

“What are we waiting for?” Elliott whispered.

“You will see in dude time,” Evil Emmitt replied quietly. “Soon, the door gonna open back up and something going to happen. The door right there, not the front door but the opposite of frontness, I cannot remember what it called.”

“Back door?” Elliott asked.

“No, we not going back to the door,” Evil Emmitt replied. “We gonna wait here until somethings happened.”

Minutes later, Evil Emmitt’s prediction came true. The door swung open, and a rather large man appeared. He held a slender man by his shirt. It appeared as though the large man wanted to devour the slender man, but he used all of his might to resist.

“If you say something like that to my daughter again, I shall feed you to the hounds!” the large man bellowed.

The large man then hurled the slender man onto the back lawn and slammed the door shut.

“Is that our guy?” Elliott asked. Evil Emmitt nodded, and Elliott wasted no time darting toward the individual.

“Who are you?” the slender man asked. He wore sunglasses that seemed to be part of his daily ensemble even though he wasn’t blind. The slender man then extended his arm, appearing eager to conduct a handshake that was popular in the 1990s.

“I have no interest in doing a secret handshake with you,” Elliott snarled. “But I will do something with my hand to your face!”

Elliott cocked his arm back and fired his fist into the slender man’s face. The slender man’s jaw exploded, and blood gushed everywhere. The slender man collapsed into the grass, and reached out toward the mansion with his final remaining energy.

“Will…” he tried to say, but the blood in his throat prevented the word from escaping his larynx.

A golden sphere rose out of the slender man’s corpse, and Elliott retrieved it and placed it into his man purse.

Hours later, Elliott was at Cowboys Stadium, standing in Jerry Jones’ office. Jones looked relieved to see that his prized player was safe and sound.

“Ezekiel, by gum, it is great that you have returned to this here stadium,” Jones said. “Our team needs you like a cow needs to graze on a hazy day. What is this I hear about you laying your fist on another DJ’s face? No matter, we will release Lucky Whitehead again to distract the media from bringin’ attention to this here matter, and then we gonna sue everyone who speaks ill of our actions. They’ll be chasing their tales like a fox runnin’ around tryin’ to catch a hyena in the savannah.”

Elliott didn’t respond. Instead, he opened his man purse and revealed the golden sphere. Jones knew what it was by his reaction.

“By gum, that here golden orb is real dangerous,” Jones quivered. “Put that doggone thing away back into your man sack, and I will give you a brand new contract. How does $500 million over two seasons sound, Ezekiel? Surely that will make you happier than a grasshopper on a fleet-lotus seed during a warm Texas night in the summer time.”

Elliott did not accept Jones’ offer. He hurled the sphere toward Jones, and the two seemingly became one for a second. That did not last very long, as Jones’ life energy was sucked into the sphere. In a matter of moments, he was completely gone. Elliott picked up the sphere and left the room, handing it to Evil Emmitt, who was waiting in the hallway. Evil Emmitt beamed.

“One down, uhh… three to go… or maybe two… or maybe eight…” Evil Emmitt said.