The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Dec. 31, 2018
Emmitt, Ray Rice and Josh Gordon ran as far as their legs could carry them. They wanted to distance themselves as far as possible from the Walking Buc-infested Downtown Abbott. Seeing their former friends and employers turn into walking automatons with disgusting lesions and boils on their faces provided the motivation, though Gordon had to make multiple stops because he was constantly winded. Rice shook his head disapprovingly as Gordon coughed up his lung on multiple instances.
Hours later, the three men reached a clearing and opted to make camp there. They built a fire in silence and then huddled around it to keep warm.
"What do we do next, guys?" Rice asked. "We have to warn people not to approach Downtown Abbott. Can you imagine if an outsider shares a toiletry with one of the infected? There could be a mass outbreak!"
"Why do we not go to the policemen?" Emmitt asked. "The policemen have gun, so he can stab all the Walkin' Buc in the back."
Gordon shuddered at Emmitt's suggestion.
"We can't go to the police!" he shrieked, prompting Rice to shush him. Gordon continued in a quieter tone. "I mean, I can't go to the police ... people can't know I've fled America, or I'm finished."
"Well, maybe next time you shouldn't become a criminal mastermind," Rice snapped. "I still think we need to tell the authorities. They need to quarantine the estate."
"No, we absolutely can't go to the cops," Gordon responded. "Even if you go without me, the police will look into the Downtown Abbott records and see that I worked there. It's just not something we can consider."
Rice grumbled. "Well... maybe there's another option ... maybe we just leave. England is effectively an island, after all, so who cares if it gets overrun by Walking Bucs? They'll just have to quarantine the entire country anyway."
Gordon nodded in agreement, while Emmitt looked at Rice quizzically.
"How the England an island?" Emmitt asked. "The England is a city - a big city - so how can you say he becomed an island?"
Now, it was Rice's turn to sport a perplexed expression. "Emmitt, England is a body surrounded by water, so it's an island."
"But the England do not have any palm tree. Where are the palm tree? I do not see any tree with coconut either. Island must has palm tree and coconut."
Rice was now trying hard not to laugh. "Just look at your atlas, Emmitt."
Emmitt reached into his back pocket and revealed his trusty atlas - he carried it with him wherever he went - and flipped through it until he found England. His eyes widened, and his mouth was agape upon making his newest discovery.
"England indeed an island..." he said to himself. "But where the palm tree? Where the coconut? Did the Englishman chop him down and take him?"
Rice, growing bored of Emmitt's ignorance, turned to Gordon.
"What do you think, Josh?" Rice asked. "Should we just bolt out of here and leave the English to fend for themselves?"
"There's just one problem," Gordon replied. "I won't be able to board a plane or anything without showing my passport, and then everyone will know that I'm here. I came to England smuggled on a cargo ship filled with sheep and other livestock. They'd poop on my face each night while I was asleep, so I'm definitely not going through that again."
"If only we had a plane..." Rice said looking up at the stars.
"I have a plane!" Emmitt chimed in. "Well, my boss, Robert Krafts have a plane, and he say I can use it whenever I need him."
"It's settled!" Rice exclaimed, ignoring his own previous warning about being too loud. "Emmitt, call Mr. Kraft in the morning, and we'll have him rescue us. In the meantime, let's get some shuteye."
The three men lied down. Emmitt tossed and turned for what seemed like hours, but he just couldn't fall asleep. He sat up and noticed that Gordon was awake as well.
"Can't sleep?" Gordon asked.
"No, I do not have anyone to read me a bedtime stories," Emmitt responded.
"Want one? I can tell you a story about dragons, or one about demons."
"Yes ... but I want you to telled me how you got under the rest in America and how you becomed a criminal mastersmind."
Gordon sighed. "OK, Emmitt, but you're going to think I'm a monster after hearing this story..."
WHAT HAPPENED TO JOSH GORDON
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Dec. 31, 2018
Josh Gordon sat in silence. The only noises Emmitt heard was the fire crackling and an owl hooting in the distance. He waited patiently for Gordon to tell his disturbing tale. It seemed like hours had passed by, but Gordon finally cleared his throat.
It was more than 15 years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday... My friends and I were just hanging out. It was just a normal day. We wandered over to the local school - not to pick up girls or attend classes, or anything - but just to chill together. It was just the four of us, like old times. Joey noticed this geeky-looking guy and approached him. After a couple of seconds, Frankie stomped over to see if everything was OK. Once the kid surrendered his lunch money to Frankie - it didn't usually take very long considering how big and mean Frankie was - we split the cash evenly, though Harley always got a little bit extra because he was our leader, and he took care of us.
This is how we spent our days. It was lots of fun ... until this curly-, brown-haired kid named Cory came along. Harley took an interest in him, and even called him Johnny Baboon. To tell you the truth, I kind of liked Johnny Baboon; he was funny, had amusing friends and went out with this girl who was smoking hot. Harley was jealous of Johnny Baboon and bullied him for years.
Johnny Baboon eventually graduated from high school. Meanwhile, Harley got locked up for robbing an American Signature Furniture store. It was not a good idea in hindsight, and he admitted as much. However, by the time he got out of prison, Johnny Baboon was already married to his girlfriend, and they even had a kid. This enraged Harley, and we gathered once more outside of Johnny Baboon's apartment...
"Hey, Harley, how's it ... wait, what is that, a marijuwana cigarette?" I asked.
"What do ya tink it is?" Harley answered. "Why don't ya take a puff of it?"
"No... no, I can't, even second-hand smoke is bad for me, cough, cough."
"So, Halley, we gonna take this kid's lunch money or what?" Joey asked. "Get ready to take this kid's lunch money, Frankie!"
"Are you saying I'm gay!?" Frankie groaned, stomping off-screen.
"Wait, Frankie, come back here! I just said you was gonna take his lunch money!" Joey yelled, running after Frankie.
Harley told me about his plan, all while smoking that marijuwana cigarette. I couldn't concentrate because the second-hand smoke from the marijuwana was getting to me. Cough, cough. But from what I could make out, Harley was going to tell Johnny Baboon to become a teacher at the local middle school even though Johnny Baboon had no grasp on how to handle public speaking. He was also going to sit down with Johnny Baboon's daughter - in a non-pedophilic manner, of course - and convince her to be super annoying, especially when she meets a cute guy at school.
Harley did all of this. He was extremely conniving, and it was even more impressive that he accomplished everything himself. I was still recovering from that dreadful second-hand marijuwana smoke, cough, cough, while Joey was busy consoling Frankie by trying to convince him that he wasn't gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Harley managed to complete his mission. By the time anyone knew what happened, Johnny Baboon was trying to teach his kids about Pearl Harbor while muttering "sneak attack" over and over again, all while the kids in his class were talking and running around. Johnny Baboon's daughter even touched a young boy's nose and said "boop," expecting everyone to laugh. No one laughed. It was terrible. That day, I feel like everyone died a little bit on the inside.
Once this happened, Roger Goodell summoned me to his office. He said that I failed a drug test. I told him it was second-hand marijuwana smoke, cough, cough, but he wasn't buying it. He banished me forever from America, though I've always believed it was because he was distraught over what happened to Cory Matth... I mean Johnny Baboon.
"Of course it was because of Cory Matthews!" Ray Rice exclaimed, startling both Emmitt and Gordon. "You ruined everything! Cory was always such a pleasure to watch, but now he's terrible! 'Sneak attack!?' Good lord! You destroyed him!"
"I know," Gordon replied meekly. "But it was the second-hand marijuwana smoke, cough, cough."
"Ha!" Rice gawked. "If you were going to commit a crime, you should have hit a woman like I did. Two games, as long as they don't see the video. That's nothing. Second-hand reefer and ruining Cory Matthews? No wonder you were exiled."
The two men, one disgusted, the other disappointed, sat quietly. Emmitt broke the silence.
"Guys, I do not understood one thing about the story," Emmitt said. "Josh Johnson say he ruin Jimmy Baboon. But if Jimmy Baboon is monkey, how he becomed a teacher in class?"
"Ugh..." Rice grumbled. "Let's just get to sleep. We have a plane to catch tomorrow."