Emmitt on the Brink – Season 4: Week 17

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Dec. 28, 2016

When the players and owners agreed to a 10-year Collective Bargaining Agreement in July 2011, we all assumed that we would be guaranteed football until 2020. That, apparently, is not the case. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell enacted an obscure clause Tuesday morning, freezing all league activity and essentially reinstating the lockout.

“It’s right here, on Page 69, heh, of the new CBA,” Goodell said in a press conference Tuesday afternoon. “What, you can’t see it? It’s right at the bottom. You’ll need a magnifying glass to see it. I told my lawyers to use size-one font when they typed this up, buhahahahahahahahahahaha!”

Goodell laughed menacingly for five straight minutes. He then explained the new lockout.

“Allow me to read this fine print for you, since all of you journalists have irresponsibly forgotten your magnifying glasses, just like those idiot players and their lawyers,” Goodell said. “The fine print states, ‘Overlord Goodell may cease the lockout on the first business day after Christmas 2016 for the following reasons: 1) There is a nuclear holocaust. 2) There is a shortage of painting supplies needed to complete naked self-portraits of said overlord. 3) Overlord Goodell feels it.”

Goodell told us that he’s only looking for five things. If they are met, the lockout will end quickly. There was cause for optimism when Goodell revealed this to us – until he actually delved into the five terms. Here they are:

Games: If you thought an 18-game season would be too long, you’ll get a kick out of this. Goodell announced that he wants to move to a 180-game campaign.

“What? I don’t think that’s unreasonable,” Goodell said. “Think about it this way: The NFL players now get 185 days off – 186 days during a leap year – by my calculations. What other profession gives its employees 185 days off? They should consider themselves lucky.”

With 164 games tacked onto the schedule, one would assume the players would make more money. Well, that brings us to Term 2.

Money: Goodell suggested that the NFL players will have to take a massive paycut.

“These guys are all making six, seven, even eight figures – that’s just way too much,” Goodell said. “I’d like to propose that all players only make $1 per year. Perhaps even $2 if they happen to make the Pro Bowl, but I’ll have to think about that one. I don’t want to be too generous.”

So, where will all of the money go? Will the owners pocket it? Nope.

“I need to fund my self-portraits,” Goodell revealed. “Right now, I’m just using ordinary paints and pastels. If you really want these portraits of yours truly to be exquisite, then I need to use rare materials, such as dragon blood and angel tears. Unfortunately, these supplies cost an inordinate amount of money, so I’m sure all of the players will understand.”

Kickoffs: No one liked Goodell’s decision to move the kickoffs from the 30-yard line to the 35. The commissioner is about to piss off more people.

“We will be moving kickoffs all the way up to the opposing 5-yard line,” Goodell announced. “There were simply too many injuries occurring in kickoffs, so I’d rather go to an extreme to be safe than sorry.”

But wouldn’t teams simply attempt onside kicks from the opposing 5-yard line? And if so, wouldn’t there be more collisions?

“I have outlawed all onside kicks as well,” Goodell stated. “Teams must kick off from the opposing 5-yard line. No ifs, ands or buts.”

Discipline: Goodell clarified the role of the newly instituted Skittle Warriors.

“The Skittle Warriors will handle all disciplinary decisions,” Goodell said. “I must save all my energy for my paintings. I do not have time to deal with any discipline, and I trust the Skittle Warriors.”

Capt. JaMarcus Russell, the Purple Skittle, sat next to Goodell and fielded a few questions.

“Haha… uhh… I dunno I tink it is serious maybe, do ya tink so?” Russell asked/said when questioned about helmet-to-helmet contact causing concussions. “People hit with head on head and I tink it maybe make player dizzy, do ya tink so?”

As much as we despise Goodell, we wish he would handle these situations. Goodell did say he would take care of one player, however…

James Harrison: Goodell apparently hates James Harrison.

“Under these new rules, I will be able to light James Harrison on fire at least once per week,” Goodell revealed. “Then, I will have the option of urinating on him to extinguish the flames, upon which I will likely decline – unless I really need to go – and promptly laugh at him.”

NFL players definitely aren’t reacting too well to the new lockout. They’ve already fired former executive director DeMaurice Smith for not being aware of Goodell’s fine print. There’s no word yet on who will replace Smith, but why do we have the feeling that it’ll be someone with the same last name?

NFL LOCKOUT SETTLED THANKS TO EMMITT SMITH

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NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED

NFL LOCKOUT SETTLED THANKS TO EMMITT SMITH

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