Emmitt on the Brink – Season 11: Week 6

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

LEAD INVESTIGATOR GIVES INITIAL REPORT ON GILLETTE STADIUM MURDERS

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Oct. 22, 2020

The police force had taken long enough. The top gumshoe in the department had been preoccupied with other cases in recent weeks, but he had finally been freed up to investigate the three murders at Gillette Stadium. Three bodies were unearthed near three different statues on the stadium grounds, yet no fingerprints or DNA specimen were found on the corpses. The only thing discovered near the bodies were marble chips from the statues.

“I was able to delve into this case once I received the payment of 25 cents per day plus expenses,” said top gumshoe Leroy Brown. “These new funds will allow me to purchase a Happy Meal in just under two weeks. I was looking forward to it, but then I read online that McDonald’s has discontinued cheeseburgers from Happy Meals, and I’m not so happy anymore.”

Media members moaned and groaned, as they believed McDonald’s should only serve healthy food, even though no one dining there is crazy enough to believe that they are eating healthily when they eat at that restaurant.

“Nevertheless, let me address what I’ve discovered pertaining to the Gillette Stadium murders,” Brown said. “As the police chief mentioned earlier, there were no finger prints or DNA found near any of the bodies, which is most unusual. Even when murderers use gloves, there is at least something – usually some fabric from their gloves – but in all three of these murders, there was nothing unusual except for the marble chips from the statues.

“I talked to all the suspects,” Brown continued. “Bugs Meany was in the Tigers’ clubhouse during one of the murders, so he couldn’t have been responsible for all three. Duke Kelly and Rocky Graham were with him. Spike Larsen was out of town. Wilford Wiggins had a clear-cut alibi as well, though he did try to sell me a fake Rolex when I questioned him.

“With no logical perpetrators, I can only recommend that the NFL take one course of action,” Brown continued. “Someone, whether it’s Emmitt or commissioner Roger Goodell, must remove the statues from Gillette Stadium. Because the murders have all occurred near the statues, it’s only logical to deduce that the statues are bad. If the statues are removed, there will be no homicides near them, and then people will feel better about themselves, even though the statues almost certainly have anything to do with the murders themselves.”

The media stood up and applauded, almost instantly forgetting for the heinous things Brown said about McDonald’s.

“Thank you, Leroy!” cried one journalist who can never control his feelings. “You are a saint, unlike Emmitt; removing the statues will make me feel wonderful, as if I finally contributed to society! I can only hope Emmitt or Roger Goodell follows your suggestion and removes the statues so that they don’t make people sad anymore!”

The media then reached out to Emmitt, who provided no comment. That was because Emmitt was busy calling Goodell to ask the commissioner what the next course of action should be. Emmitt waited on hold for two hours, but finally reached the commissioner.

“Hello, Roger Goldman,” Emmitt said. “That LeBrown Roy guy said we need to get rid of the statue on our stadium. If we do these, do we gotta put the statue in the regular trash can or the rebicycle can, the one with the triangle circle on it?”

Goodell replied quietly, almost as if he didn’t want anyone to hear he was speaking to Emmitt.

“They can’t hear that I’m tarking to you,” Goodell said. “You are on thin ice, Emmitt. All of the stuff you’ve said – everyone is tarking about removing you from owning the Patriots, and they are arso saying you must reave the country. They gonna kick you out if you say one more bad thing and hurt peopre’s feerings!”

Goodell then hung up the phone on Emmitt, who was very confused about what he did wrong, and why Goodell had to been speaking with an odd accent.