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Emmitt on the Brink. The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement. This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days. Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology. |
 Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement! |
EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Sept. 28, 2018
Here at the NFL Bible Network, we have better resources than any news conglomerate in the world. We have more secret spies, security cameras and inside sources than anyone else. However, even we get stumped on occasion. We spent the entire spring and summer searching for Emmitt, trying desperately to discover what he has been up to since he exited Roger Goodell’s award ceremony for Spygate II.
We couldn’t find Emmitt because we were looking in the wrong place. And by “place,” we mean country.
Emmitt, as it turns out, has been in England since January. He hasn’t been sight-seeing, vacationing or visiting friends. He’s been working as a valet for Roberto Crawford at a place called Downtown Abbott.
“I decide to visit the country of London because I has never been to those, and when I was drivin’ around everywhere, I notice that the Londonese people craziness. Very craziness,” Emmitt told us. “All the guy and girl drivin’ the car drivin’ on the wrong side of the road. Everybody know he have to drive on the right side of the roadway, but the Londonese drive on the… uhh… the… uhh… other side.”
Emmitt, who was swerving like crazy in an attempt to avoid the drivers, parked his car near a building. He then saw a sign that read, “Looking for a valet at Downtown Abbott.”
“I read the sign, which take me like 20 minute, and then a light bulb clicked on with remote control in my brain,” Emmitt said. “I need a valet for valet parkin’, and maybe this valet parker can drive me around, so I need to go to Downtown Abbott.”
Emmitt took the road again, having multiple near brushes with death as he evaded the drivers. He eventually arrived at Downtown Abbott, however. He went inside and spoke to the butler, Carson Palmer.
“I hear you guys lookin’ for a valet,” Emmitt said. “I’m your man because valet important.”
“I have $80 million in the bank, so I don’t really care,” Palmer replied. “But whatever, you’re hired.”
Emmitt spent the next eight months serving as Crawford’s valet. There were no cars involved, but Emmitt didn’t bother asking about that. Instead, he spent his time making sure Crawford was properly dressed. He also served as a groomsman in the wedding of Crawford’s daughter, Syllable.
“I barely knew this Emmitt fellow, but he seemed like a good chap, and I didn’t have any friends, so I asked him to be a groomsman,” said Syllable’s new husband, Osama bin Branson.
Syllable’s father did not attend the wedding.
“Do I care if he’s a terrorist? No of course, not!” Crawford bellowed. “I’m angry because Osama bin Branson is a bloody chauffer and is not a nobleman!” Crawford, of course, is also a bit angry about losing his entire fortune on a poor investment.
“I received an e-mail the other day from a poor chap in Africa; he was a prince, I believe,” a teary-eyed Crawford said. “He said that his parents had both died and that he needed money to rebuild his country. He said he would return my investment tenfold. He had noble blood, so of course I gave it to the chap! I gave him all of my money, and now it’s all gone!”
Fortunately, Crawford was bailed out when his long-lost son Matthew received money from his late fiancee’s father, who had passed away from the Iranian flu. The malady also took his fiancee, Latvia Swine. Her death had nothing to do with Matthew suffocating her with a pillow so he could marry his long-lost twin sister.
“Mary Luanne is the love of my life, and I shall never love any woman more as long as she walks the earth,” Matthew told us. “She was a complete b***h at first and wanted to marry me earlier just for my money, but she’s completely changed now even though she won’t stop going on and on with this new cash I received from Latvia’s dad. God, I love her.”
Emmitt, who was notified of the Lloyd family deaths, said that he would return to America as soon as he served his part in Matthew and Mary Luanne’s wedding, which will take place this Saturday.
If you are reading this, chances are you won’t be invited to the wedding. However, feel free to stand outside the church and cry out lovingly for Matthew and Mary Luanne even though they don’t give a damn about you.
THE BEST AND WORST TIMES AT DOWNTOWN ABBOTT
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Oct. 1, 2018
If the twist and turns and ups and downs of Downtown Abbott were televised, the audience would definitely need a box of tissues to keep the tears from streaming. Just when something good happens, it’s almost inevitable that a stroke of bad luck will devastate the family.
Matthew and Mary Luanne had a beautiful ceremony on Saturday. Teary-eyed members of the entire family and housing staff looked on as the twin, long-lost siblings read each other their vows. Well, there was one member of the family who was not in attendance. That, of course, would be Edna, the middle sister, who was deemed too ugly for the church. She was locked in her cellar for the afternoon.
“I give you this ring – my mother’s ring, so it’s essentially your mother’s ring too – to symbolize my love for you,” Matthew said.
“And I give you my virginity – if you exclude the one time I banged the Turkish guy who had a heart attack – to symbolize the love I have for your new-found fortune,” Mary Luanne said.
The bride and groom then kissed, and the Crawford estate was finally secure with a male heir in the picture.
“It was a beautiful weddin’ day,” Emmitt said. “The vowels they say to each other bring tear and sad to my heart. Just wait until how happy they becomeds when they have a children. Except if the children gonna be informed because they havin’ insects.”
That night, the youngest daughter Syllable went into labor. Unfortunately, something was terribly wrong. The family doctor, looking panicked, rushed to Roberto Crawford and told him that a C-section was absolutely necessary. However, the doctor Roberto hired on his own stated that Syllable would be fine; he said she had just suffered a broken wrist. Syllable gave birth, but then died hours later.
“I don’t understand how this could have happened,” said a somber Roberto Crawford. “The noble chap I paid said it was only a broken wrist. The other doctor said it was Ebola, but he’s not a noble chap, so he’s still absolutely wrong!”
The Crawford parents decided that they would raise the child. However, their plans were thwarted when Osama bin Branson returned from bombing buildings. He demanded that the child has to live with him in the slums and learn to become the world’s next great terrorist. This caused a ton of bickering amongst the family, until Mary Luanne settled it by saying, “It’s what Syllable would have wanted.”
Emmitt, who was now free to return to America and begin his hunt for the Lloyd killers, recounted his time at Downtown Abbott.
“Downtown Abbott have a lot of history and other thing that is good,” Emmitt said. “The people inside good too as well. Roberto Crawford always call me chip. His wife from New York but she say she like the Cowboy. Mary Luanne real pretty. Edna real ugly. And then the guy who live in the basement good too. Thomas say he want to drop the soap with me in the shower, but I do not knowed what he mean. And Master Bates kill somebody, but he gonna provide proof of his innosex.” As for Emmitt? His time at Downtown is done. He then set off to the airport – making one last drive into oncoming traffic.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Season 7, Week 1 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS ESCAPE DOWNTOWN ABBOTT - Sept. 5
Season 7, Week 2 - WHAT HAPPENED TO JOSH GORDON - Sept. 12
Season 7, Week 3 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS LOST AT SEA - Sept. 19
Season 7, Week 4 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS EXPLORE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND - Sept. 26
Season 7, Week 5 - MANZIEL REVEALS SECRET TO EMMITT - Oct. 3
Season 7, Week 6 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS FIND THEMSELVES IN MIDDLE OF GANG WAR - Oct. 10
Season 7, Week 7 - EMMITT CONFRONTS LEADER OF THE BLOODS - Oct. 17
Season 7, Week 8 - JIM IRSAY DESTROYS CRIPS' HEADQUARTERS - Oct. 24
Season 7, Week 9 - EMMITT TRAPPED INSIDE THE TOWN - Oct. 31
Season 7, Week 10 - NEW THREAT IN WALKING BUC APOCALYPSE - Nov. 7
Season 7, Week 11 - DESEAN JACKSON SAVES EMMITT FROM ANDY REID - Nov. 14
Season 7, Week 12 - UNDERSTANDING JUSTIN BIEBER�S POWERS - Nov. 21
Season 7, Week 13 - THIEF THROWS WRENCH INTO PLANS - Nov. 28
Season 7, Week 14 - OLD NEMESIS TRIES TO THWART PLANS - Dec. 5
Season 7, Week 15 - ADRIAN PETERSON'S STORY - Dec. 12
Season 7, Week 16 - GATHERING THE WALKING BUCS - Dec. 19
Season 7, Week 17 - ADRIAN PETERSON USES THE SWITCH OF DESTINY; CARL NICKS ATTACKS - Dec. 26
Season 8, Week 1 - OUTRAGE OVER DEFLATEGATE - Sept. 15
Season 8, Week 2 - EMMITT STOPS SEEMINGLY HORRIBLE CRIME - Sept. 22
Season 8, Week 3 - CHIP KELLY ACCUSED OF BEING RACIST AGAIN - Sept. 29
Season 8, Week 4 - EMMITT SAVES JAY CUTLER WITH SOME HELP - Oct. 7
Season 8, Week 5 - MORE EVIDENCE AGAINST TOM BRADY - Oct. 14
Season 8, Week 6 - INSIDE EMMITT'S MEETING WITH KIM JONG-UN - Oct. 21
Season 8, Week 7 - DIANNA MARIE RUSSINI�S PLAN TO STEAL NORTH KOREA�S NUCLEAR KEY - Oct. 28
Season 8, Week 8 - ENTERING THE NORTH KOREA NUCLEAR FACILITY - Nov. 4
Season 8, Week 9 - ESCAPING FROM JARED FOGLE'S DUNGEON - Nov. 11
Season 8, Week 10 - KIM JONG-UN MAKES STARTLING ANNOUNCEMENT - Nov. 18
Season 8, Week 11 - EMMITT AND HIS CREW MEET WITH MICHAEL SAM - Nov. 25
Season 8, Week 12 - OLD NEMESIS ABDUCTS EMMITT AND FRIENDS - Dec. 2
Season 8, Week 13 - EMMITT AND COMPANY INVADE JARED FOGLE'S MANOR - Dec. 9
Season 8, Week 14 - KIM JONG-UN MAKES ULTIMATE THREAT AGAINST AMERICA - Dec. 16
Season 8, Week 15 - THE STARTLING TRUTH ABOUT KIM JONG-UN - Dec. 23
Season 8, Week 16 - ROGER GOODELL AND KIM JONG-UN - Dec. 30
Season 9, Week 1 - EMMITT'S BUTTERFLIES - Sept. 13
Season 9, Week 2 - EMMITT SEEKS HELP FOR NEW DANGER - Sept. 20
Season 9, Week 3 - EMMITT IN HOT WATER AFTER INTERVIEW - Sept. 27
Season 9, Week 4 - EMMITT SAVES OLD FRIEND FROM TROUBLE - Oct. 3
Season 9, Week 5 - JOHNNY MANZIEL RECOUNTS EVENTS OF PAST FIVE MONTHS - Oct. 10
Season 9, Week 6 - EMMITT INCITES RIOT - Oct. 17
Season 9, Week 7 - COLLEGE STUDENTS AIM TO DEBACLE EMMITT AND FRIENDS - Oct. 24
Season 9, Week 8 - THE GRAND MASTER PLAN OF THE LEAGUE OF FAILED GENERAL MANAGERS - Oct. 31
Season 9, Week 9 - HOW A SHARK SAVED EMMITT'S LIFE - Nov. 7
Season 9, Week 10 - EMMITT MEETS WITH DONALD TRUMP - Nov. 14
Season 9, Week 11 - CAN EMMITT SURVIVE ATTACK FROM COLLEGE IDIOTS? - Nov. 21
Season 9, Week 12 - EMMITT EXPOSES HILLARY CLINTON - Nov. 28
Season 9, Week 13 - THE CONNECTION BETWEEN HILLARY CLINTON AND MATT MILLEN - Dec. 5
Season 9, Week 14 - EMMITT SEEKS TO SAVE THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE - Dec. 12
Season 9, Week 15 - INSIDE THE EVIL DIMENSION - Dec. 19
Season 9, Week 16 - GOOD EMMITT VERSUS EVIL EMMITT - Dec. 26
Season 10, Week 1 - A YEAR OF EVIL EMMITT - Sept. 12
Season 10, Week 2 - EVIL EMMITT MEETS WITH ROGER GOODELL - Sept. 19
Season 10, Week 3 - BROCK OSWEILER HOSTS ESPYS - Sept. 26
Season 10, Week 4 - THE SINGLE RANGER SEEKS TO HELP EMMITT - Oct. 2
Season 10, Week 5 - EVIL EMMITT AND EZEKIEL ELLIOTT JOIN FORCES WITH DANTE FOWLER - Oct. 9
Season 10, Week 6 - EMMITT SEEKS OUT ELI MANNING IN MISTISSIPPI - Oct. 16
Season 10, Week 7 - EMMITT REQUESTS THE RICE OF PASSAGE - Oct. 23
Season 10, Week 8 - EMMITT ENTERS THE DRAGONLORD'S CASTLE - Oct. 30
Season 10, Week 9 - EMMITT MEETS DRAGONLORD ROSIE O'DONNELL - Nov. 6
Season 10, Week 10 - OBTAINING BRETT FAVRE'S GOOSE EGG - Nov. 13
Season 10, Week 11 - CONFRONTING NORV TURNER'S TURKEY NECK ONCE MORE - Nov. 20
Season 10, Week 12 - EMMITT IS SET ABLAZE - Nov. 27
Season 10, Week 13 - EMMITT GETS HIS REVENGE ON TURKEY NECK TOWN - Dec. 4
Season 10, Week 14 - EMMITT IS TESTED TO OBTAIN THE SWORD OF LEGENDARY SWORD - Dec. 11
Season 10, Week 15 - THE EMMITTS RETURN TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME - Dec. 18
Season 10, Week 16 - REAL EMMITT VERSUS EVIL EMMITT, THE REMATCH - Dec. 25
Season 11, Week 1 - EMMITT, AS NEW OWNER, ALREADY IN HOT WATER - Sept. 12
Season 11, Week 2 - MURDER AT GILLETTE STADIUM - Sept. 19
Season 11, Week 3 - PATRIOTS DROP TO 0-4 IN EMMITT'S FIRST GAME - Sept. 26
Season 11, Week 4 - ANOTHER MURDER AT GILLETTE STADIUM - Oct. 2
Season 11, Week 5 - PATRIOTS BLOWN OUT AGAIN - Oct. 9
Season 11, Week 6 - PATRIOTS DON'T LOSE FOR FIRST TIME ALL YEAR - Oct. 16
Season 11, Week 7 - LEAD INVESTIGATOR GIVES INITIAL REPORT ON GILLETTE STADIUM MURDERS - Oct. 23
Season 11, Week 8 - EMMITT HAS MEETING OF THE MINDS TO TURN PATRIOTS AROUND - Oct. 30
Season 11, Week 9 - ROGER GOODELL FINALLY MEETS WITH EMMITT REGARDING STATUES - Nov. 6
Season 11, Week 10 - EMMITT REQUESTS HELP TO DESTROY STATUES - Nov. 13
Season 11, Week 11 - PATRIOTS ONCE AGAIN WIN WITHOUT A QUARTERBACK - Nov. 20
Season 11, Week 12 - ATTACK DURING PATRIOTS-RAIDERS GAME - Nov. 27
Season 11, Week 13 - ROGER GOODELL PLANS FOR STATUE ATTACK - Dec. 4
Season 11, Week 14 - NFL DECIDES NOT TO CANCEL ANY GAMES AMID STATUE-13 ATTACK - Dec. 11
Season 11, Week 15 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS CLASH WITH STATUES NORTH OF THE WALL - Dec. 18
Season 11, Week 16 - EMMITT BATTLES STATUE-13 - Dec. 25
Season 12, Week 1 - A NEW THREAT ARISES - Sept. 10
Season 12, Week 2 - QUESTIONING THE VALIDITY OF EMMITT'S COMMISSIONERSHIP - Sept. 17
Season 12, Week 3 - EMMITT SNOW JR. ARRIVES IN ANTARCTICA - Sept. 24
Season 12, Week 4 - EMMITT'S TRUEBORN SON HEADS NORTH - Oct. 1
Season 12, Week 5 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR BIG GAME AGAINST STEELERS - Oct. 8
Season 12, Week 6 - THE BATTLE OF SOFTHOUSE - Oct. 15
Season 12, Week 7 - EMMITT SNOW JR. WARNS EVERYONE OF IMPENDING THREAT - Oct. 22
Season 12, Week 8 - EMMITT SNOW JR. ATTEMPTS TO WIN ELECTION - Oct. 29
Season 12, Week 9 - EMMITT GRIEVES; LOVE BLOSSOMS - Nov. 5
Season 12, Week 10 - MYSTERIOUS FORCE WIPES OUT BUCCANEERS - Nov. 12
Season 12, Week 11 - EMMITT'S PLAN BACKFIRES - Nov. 19
Season 12, Week 12 - THE THREE-EYED BALTIMORE RAVEN - Nov. 26
Season 12, Week 13 - EMMITT�S CONFRONTATION WITH THORNIN YOURSIDE - Dec. 3
Season 12, Week 14 - THE LONG FIGHT - Dec. 10
Season 12, Week 15 - THE TRUE ENEMY IS REVEALED - Dec. 17
Season 12, Week 16 - A NEW NFL COMMISSIONER - Dec. 24
Season 13, Week 1 - EMMITT IN THE NORTH - Sept. 15
Season 13, Week 2 - EMMITT RECEIVES GRAVE NEWS - Sept. 22
Season 13, Week 3 - THE BEAR'S SPECIAL TRIP - Sept. 29
Season 13, Week 4 - NEW UNEXPECTED NFL LEADERSHIP - Oct. 6
Season 13, Week 5 - CONGRESS HAS SECRET MEETING TO DISCUSS EMMITT'S RETURN - Oct. 13
Season 13, Week 6 - A SURPRISE TWIST AT THE MAKO REACTOR - Oct. 20
Season 13, Week 7 - SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS AT THE NFL HEADQUARTERS BREAKIN - Oct. 27
Season 13, Week 8 - ANOTHER SENSELESS TRAGEDY - Nov. 2
Season 13, Week 9 - MORE RIOTS COMMENCE - Nov. 9
Season 13, Week 10 - THE BATTLE AGAINST FRANKIE AND THE RAT - Nov. 16
Season 13, Week 11 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REACH ESPN HEADQUARTERS - Nov. 23
Season 13, Week 12 - THE BATTLE AGAINST GRETCHEN UMBRIDGE - Nov. 30
Season 13, Week 13 - ESPN TRIES TO RECOVER AS THE RITUAL BEGINS - Dec. 7
Season 13, Week 14 - CONGRESSMEN AND GOODELL BOT PLAN THEIR NEXT MOVE - Dec. 14
Season 13, Week 15 - EMMITT BRACES FOR THE BEAR'S ARRIVAL - Dec. 21
Season 13, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FORETOLD BATTLE VERSUS THE GIANT BEAR - Dec. 28
NFL Picks - Nov. 20
2025 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 20
NFL Power Rankings - Nov. 19
Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 4
