The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Dec. 31, 2018
No one realized what was happening before it was too late. Not one person suspected anything when Matthew walked into Downtown Abbott, despite the red boils and lesions on his face. And why would they? Matthew, after all, was the beloved long-lost brother and husband to Mary Luanne, who just gave birth to a Turkish baby. It didn't occur to anyone that he would be the one to destroy their home and lives.
The first person Matthew infected with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' Staph infection was the butler, Mr. Carson Palmer. Matthew offered a handkerchief to Mr. Carson Palmer, who begrudgingly accepted it, muttering, "I have $80 million in the bank; I can afford my own handkerchiefs."
Roberto Crawford was next to greet him.
"Here... are some tampons... for you to use..." Matthew mindlessly said to Roberto, handing a box to the man who was both his father and father-in-law.
"My good chap, you have given me the most splendid idea," Roberto said, accepting the gift. "I've spent this family's good fortunes on Nigerian railroads when I should have been investing in female hygienic products all along! Tomorrow, I will telephone the bank and tell them to fund railroads connecting the tampon factories and the stores they distribute them to."
Matthew said nothing, proceeding up the stairs to his wife/long-lost sister's room. Had Matthew still been alive, he would have noticed that his supposed child appeared to be a Turkish baby. Instead, Matthew had something else on his agenda.
"Matthew, where are the pickles and ice cream I asked for?" Mary Luanne asked before she noticed her husband/long-lost brother's distorted face. She sported a horrified expression for a brief moment, but then shook her head. "Matthew, you need to put some lotion on your face, but you still have the fortune that will prevent my family from moving out of our lovely home, correct?"
Matthew ignored his wife/long-lost sister and shoved a towel in her face. She forgot about her newborn baby within minutes.
As the entire Downtown Abbott estate was transforming into mindless Walking Bucs, Emmitt was in the barn, working with a new employee named Ray.
"I'm the valet parking here, even though I had barely drived in the city of England before," Emmitt admitted. "This is good news because the England folk is crazy. He always drivin' on the left side of the road like someone crazy."
"That's because the English drive on the left side of the road," Ray replied.
"I know that; I just tolded you!" Emmitt replied with a hint of agitation in his voice. "Why did you not listening to me? If you do not listening to Mr. Carson Palmer or Miss Larry Hughes, he gonna be very upset. What new job have you takened at the Downtown Abbott?"
Before Ray could answer, the barn door opened. Standing there was Nurse Edna, the ugly little sister of Mary Luanne. She was even more hideous than ever, as boils covered her entire face.
"Nurse Edna, did you forget what your father tolded you?" Emmitt asked. "Your father Roberto say you cannot leave your room because you too ugly."
Nurse Edna didn't care. She marched toward Emmitt and Ray with a napkin in her hand. She held it out as if she wanted to share it with the two men. Emmitt, oblivious to what was happening, nearly took it from Nurse Edna.
Ray stepped in front of Emmitt and launched a right hook into Nurse Edna's face.
"WHAM! BOOM! POP!"
Ray pummeled Nurse Edna with jabs, hooks and uppercuts until she fell to the floor, unconscious. Ray then dragged her out of the barn, torched her body and returned to Emmitt.
"I didn't properly introduce myself, Emmitt," Ray said, extending his hand. "My name is Ray Rice, and I just saved your life by hitting a woman."
EMMITT AND FRIENDS ESCAPE DOWNTOWN ABBOTT
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Dec. 31, 2018
Ray Rice may have saved Emmitt's life temporarily with his fists of fury, but the two men still had to escape the estate.
"We gotta make like a tree and have leafs," Emmitt said to Rice, who nodded in agreement.
The two men sprinted toward the courtyard, but were cut off by the former chauffer and Syllable's late husband, Osama bin Branson. Sporting countless boils on his face, bin Branson approached them with an angry expression on his face. He held up a pamphlet about socialist politics and waved it toward them.
"I don't have any toiletries, but you must wipe this pamphlet on your face," the new Walking Buc commaned.
Bin Branson closed in, but the two living men froze.
"Do the thing that you done before!" Emmitt shouted.
"I can't!" Rice cried. "He doesn't have a vagina, so I'm scared that if I punch him, he'll punch me back!"
Branson's head exploded. A tall, black man holding a shotgun cautiously walked toward Emmitt and Rice.
"You two still alive?" the man asked, taking a closer look at Emmitt and Rice's faces. He dropped his weapon as soon as he realized that neither was sporting any boils, lesions or any other strange scars.
"The name's Josh," the man said, extending his hand. "Josh Gordon. Pleased to meet you both."
Emmitt closed in to shake it, but Rice took a step backward.
"THE Josh Gordon!?" Rice exclaimed. "Emmitt, do you know who this is!?"
"He say his name Josh Johnson," Emmitt replied.
"No, you don't understand!" Rice shrieked. "He's the man who was banned from the NFL for committing extremely vile behaviors!"
A tear trickled down Gordon's eye.
"I thought that was all behind me," Gordon said, looking down at the ground. "I came here to England to begin a new life. I didn't think anyone would recognize me if I was the gardener at Downtown Abbott. I even thought I could marry one of Roberto Crawford's daughters, but the only one available is ugly Nurse Edna, and she's so hideous that you get seven years of bad luck just staring at her."
"Well, nobody gonna have bad luck anymore because Ray White burned her on fire," Emmitt said, putting a hand on Gordon's shoulder to console him. "I do not know what you doned in the past, but as the saying go, the past are history channel."
Gordon cracked a smile, but Rice was quick to remind them about the situation. "We'll have to discuss Josh's crimes later. For now, we have to escape Downtown Abbott!"
The three men raced out of the courtyard and into the front of the estate. They were within reach of the entrance, but Roberto Crawford blocked their path.
"My good chaps, where are you going?" he asked, as a piece of his crusty nose dropped to the floor. "I have financial plans to discuss with you. How do you three good chaps feel about investing in Ethiopian railroads?"
"That's a stupid idea!" Rice shouted. "We'd need three more railroads to double our money, and how are we going to come up with enough capital to do that when someone already owns B&O?"
"Oh, come now, good chaps," Roberto said, extending his arms. "We can discuss it over dinner. We can even share one napkin."
Blood splattered everywhere, as Gordon fired another shell into his former employer's head. The three men opened the door and sprinted away from the Walking Buc-infested manor.