Emmitt on the Brink – Season 2: Week 11

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2014 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!

PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Nov. 13, 2014

You wouldn’t think that a 9-0 NFL team would need some sort of competitive advantage over a 1-8 squad, but that is why Emmitt is one of the best coaches in the league.

“You can never take anything for grantive,” Emmitt said. “Not even against a team that have lossed all of its games this week except for one of them.”

The Patriots hired JaMarcus Russell on Wednesday to be their water boy. Russell, a former No. 1 overall pick, played in Oakland the first few years before wasting away in Cleveland the past two seasons. Apparently, Emmitt believed that Russell’s knowledge of the Browns’ schemes will help him earn a 10th victory this season.

“The NFL have so much parity inside that every team need a competitive advantagement,” Emmitt said. “Now that we hire JaMarcus… uhh… JaMarcus… the big guy I forget his last name, we have a big competitive advantagement. It is so big, you do not even understand how big it is.”

Russell – we believe that is in fact his last name – seemed happy to be employed once again.

“Tings were going good at the end of… career in Oakland and… uhh… Cleveland…” Russell said. “It was not my fault we lost so many games… I played good… My teammates made some mistakes… Do you tink so?”

We weren’t sure how to answer that, and quite frankly we probably didn’t even need to, as Russell stared at us with a vacant grin with drool coming out of his mouth.

We did, however, follow Russell home. At the NFL Bible Network, we do investigative reporting. If we find something interesting, we’ll let you know. And if we don’t, we’ll make something up. But this, my friends, is very real.

When Russell arrived at his chateau, he reached for his keys but fumbled them. As he reached down to pick them up, a man emerged from the shadows. It was none other than Todd Haley, head coach of the Cleveland Browns.

“JaMarcus, did you infiltrate Patriots headquarters?” Haley asked.

“Uhh… I tink I got hired to give water… Interview did good at the end… Do you tink so?” Russell replied.

“Sounds like you did a good job,” Haley responded with a smirk. “Now, JaMarcus, this is very important. There is a bomb in your earring. Once you get close to Emmitt, I will detonate it. Keep it in your ear at all times.”

Russell, looking a bit confused, nodded. Haley then crept back into the shadows.

I would tell Emmitt about this, but he already told me that he “do not believes in me.” I don’t know why. I’m A-Rod, and I’ve always spoken the truth.