Emmitt on the Brink – Season 11: Week 7

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

MEDIA HAS MIXED REACTION TO STATUE REMOVAL

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2020

Emmitt didn’t waste any time preparing for the removal of the statues. Emmitt wanted to oversee the destruction of the Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and Robert Kraft statues, as bodies have been found next to them in recent weeks. It’s not clear why the statues needed to be removed, as the three deaths had nothing to do with the statues themselves, but Emmitt was feeling pressure from both reporters and social media, as people began referring to him as Hitler for not having enough feelings for the victims to get rid of the statues almost instantly.

Emmitt, wanting to repair his image, had his hard hat on Tuesday morning, as he stood with the construction crew on the Gillette Stadium grounds.

“They give me a hat that is the number yellow for some reason,” Emmitt said. “I try to think what reason I need to be wearing a hat with the number yellow on it and I come to the exclusion that I need to be the same color as the sun, the planet in the sky that make it yellow. If I blend in with the sun, nobody gonna mist steak me from the sun and make no more confusions.”

Despite being on hand to witness the removal of the statues, some members of the media were critical of this course of action.

“Emmitt is just doing it because he felt the pressure,” said someone on CNN. “Emmitt really has no heart. If he didn’t feel the heat from the media, he wouldn’t have done this. He’s pure evil. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if he colluded with the Russians in purchasing the New England Patriots.”

Hours later, the panel on MSNBC had a panel discussing a topic with the headline, “Emmitt in Cahoots with Russians, According to CNN.”

Some on social media were more kind to Emmitt, acknowledging that he’s at least trying to change his ways.

“We thought he was heartless scum when he banished two non-paying customers from his stadium on an off day for the Patriots,” tweeted someone while eating a $30 vegan sandwich. “Maybe Emmitt is finally getting it. Maybe there’s some hope after all that he’ll finally understand how the oppressed live.”

This person was permanently banned from Twitter five minutes later.

The construction crews worked quickly, and by 3 p.m., all three statues were torn down. Those on social media rejoiced.

“This is a monumental day,” tweeted someone who had once claimed to be oppressed 716 times in their life despite having rich parents. “Now, we can sleep at night. But let’s not forget that it took Emmitt weeks to tear down the statues when two true victims and one other guy who isn’t much of a victim were found. I still maintain that Emmitt is pretty much like Hitler.”

Emmitt responded to the accusation an hour later.

“Once again, I do not hit her,” Emmitt pleaded. “Why everybody thinking I hit her? Who her anyway?”

The media instantly began working on a story about Emmitt abusing women because he said “hit her.” Meanwhile, in Indianapolis, a protestor approached the Peyton Manning statue at the Colts’ former stadium. He had a hacksaw in hand, ready to slice off Manning’s head because, by his account, the statue had been oppressing too many people.

Suddenly, his cell phone rang. It was a fancy Samsung S14, available to only the rich and privileged. He looked down to see who was calling him when he was whacked on the back of the head.