The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
PATRIOTS AND COLTS DIFFER IN STRATEGY
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Dec. 21, 2014
It's Week 16. In recent seasons, the Indianapolis Colts have rested their starters for most of the game, opting to have Peyton Manning, Dallas Clark, and the rest of the starters play just one or two series.
This year should be different. The Colts are 9-5 and need at least one victory to secure a playoff berth. However, their strategy remains unchanged.
"It's been decided, I'm only playing one series against the Patriots," Manning said. "I need my rest in Weeks 16 and 17. If we somehow make the playoffs with our backups playing the last two games, the weeks off will help me win in the postseason. And if we don't make the playoffs, it'll give me some time to memorize some scripts for my new commercials."
Manning fantasy owners everywhere are disappointed. ESPN has determined that more than 600,000 fantasy championships will be affected by the Colts' decision.
"Peyton Manning is my only good player," said Bo-Bo, who was voted the worst fantasy football player in the history of Western Civilization by Stats Inc. "Manning was my only chance to win this week so I could get my first victory of the year. The rest of my starting lineup is Marshall Faulk, Kevin Faulk, Patrick Crayton, Jacoby Jones, Torry Holt, Ben Manumaleuna and Nick Folk. I don't have a defense because no matter whom I pick, they score negative points for me."
Despite the struggles of Bo-Bo and the other fantasy players, Manning didn't really seem to care.
"Sure, the NFL is so popular today because of fantasy and betting, and if it weren't for those things, I wouldn't make as much money as do, but that doesn't matter," Manning said. "What matters is that I'll be getting my rest. I'll start only to keep my consecutive games streak going, but then I'll just sit on the bench and watch Colt McCoy embarrass himself out there while I laugh and shrug my shoulders on the sidelines, proverbially giving the middle finger to anyone who drafted me in their league."
Head coach Jim Caldwell neither confirmed nor denied Manning's announcement.
"...," Caldwell said, staring blankly into space. "..."
Colts general manager Bill Polian defended his decision to keep Manning on the bench.
"Wwwwwwahbahbahbahbahbahbah!!!!!!" Polian, said.
"Help!" yelled the captured princess in Polian's airship.
Meanwhile, a jealous Anthony Morelli told reporters that he wouldn't mind resting as well.
"Eh yo, I work so hard all year... uhh... I want week to sit on bench and come to uhh... game drunk without coach yelling at me haha... uhh... eh yo," Morelli said.
Don't worry, Pats fans - according to Emmitt, Morelli won't be sitting on the bench anytime soon.
"Unlike the Indianapolis Colts, I do not take anything for grantive," Emmitt said. "To be head coach in the National Conference League, you have to learn from the other guys who have coached before you have coached. And to quote my good from Herman Edward, ?You win to play the game. Hello. You win to play the game.' Here in the city of New England, we will follow the Herm's advice and win to play the game."
PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Dec. 26, 2014
The Patriots are almost there. One more win, and they'll be remembered forever. New England will be the first NFL franchise to have two 16-0 seasons.
The team's 15th victory came pretty easily. The Patriots blasted the Colts, 49-7, on Christmas in front of a national TV audience on Monday Night Football.
Indianapolis kicked things off with a flawless, 10-play, 80-yard drive that culminated with a 10-yard Peyton Manning touchdown to Dallas Clark. Right after that, however, Manning took off his helmet and put on his baseball cap; he was done for the evening.
As backup Colt McCoy took the field, Manning tweeted, "Haha suckers who drafted me, ur gonna looz 2day! I need my rest biyotchez!"
Manning was then approached by a representative from A+D Diaper Rash Ointment with an ad script. He threw down his clipboard, took the script and feverishly began flipping through it.
McCoy, meanwhile, could have used Manning's help. On his first pass, McCoy mustered all of his arm strength but managed to throw the football only two inches in front of him. On his next play, McCoy didn't know how to make a read - at Texas, they don't do such silly things - so he tossed it to a Patriots defender, who took the ball back for six.
As for New England's offense, Anthony Morelli completed his first 20 passes. He threw for 414 yards, four touchdowns and no interceptions. Morelli credited his inexplicable success to his head coach.
"Mr. Emmitt made an unbelievably sage decision when he raided my humble abode and pilfered all of the alcohol on the premises," a sober Morelli said. "I'd like to confirm that it took three gigantic delivery trucks to extract the liquor and beer. I am forever grateful - I can finally focus on my football career and not ruin college parties by beating up small Asian teenagers and forcing the hostesses to trigger the fire alarm."
So, if Morelli is sober, can Emmitt finally speak English correctly? Emmitt talked about what a possible 16-0 finish could do for his team.
"It seem like history have come uponed us," Emmitt said. "But as head coach of this doggone football team, I will be damn if I don't take this one games at a single times. If we can finish 16-0, which mean we have 16 win and zero lossed, everything remain to be seened."
Well, I guess you shouldn't expect two miracles in one day.