Emmitt on the Brink – Season 2: Week 16

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2014 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!

PATRIOTS AND COLTS DIFFER IN STRATEGY

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Dec. 21, 2014

It’s Week 16. In recent seasons, the Indianapolis Colts have rested their starters for most of the game, opting to have Peyton Manning, Dallas Clark, and the rest of the starters play just one or two series.

This year should be different. The Colts are 9-5 and need at least one victory to secure a playoff berth. However, their strategy remains unchanged.

“It’s been decided, I’m only playing one series against the Patriots,” Manning said. “I need my rest in Weeks 16 and 17. If we somehow make the playoffs with our backups playing the last two games, the weeks off will help me win in the postseason. And if we don’t make the playoffs, it’ll give me some time to memorize some scripts for my new commercials.”

Manning fantasy owners everywhere are disappointed. ESPN has determined that more than 600,000 fantasy championships will be affected by the Colts’ decision.

“Peyton Manning is my only good player,” said Bo-Bo, who was voted the worst fantasy football player in the history of Western Civilization by Stats Inc. “Manning was my only chance to win this week so I could get my first victory of the year. The rest of my starting lineup is Marshall Faulk, Kevin Faulk, Patrick Crayton, Jacoby Jones, Torry Holt, Ben Manumaleuna and Nick Folk. I don’t have a defense because no matter whom I pick, they score negative points for me.”

Despite the struggles of Bo-Bo and the other fantasy players, Manning didn’t really seem to care.

“Sure, the NFL is so popular today because of fantasy and betting, and if it weren’t for those things, I wouldn’t make as much money as do, but that doesn’t matter,” Manning said. “What matters is that I’ll be getting my rest. I’ll start only to keep my consecutive games streak going, but then I’ll just sit on the bench and watch Colt McCoy embarrass himself out there while I laugh and shrug my shoulders on the sidelines, proverbially giving the middle finger to anyone who drafted me in their league.”

Head coach Jim Caldwell neither confirmed nor denied Manning’s announcement.

“…,” Caldwell said, staring blankly into space. “…”

Colts general manager Bill Polian defended his decision to keep Manning on the bench.

“Wwwwwwahbahbahbahbahbahbah!!!!!!” Polian, said.

“Help!” yelled the captured princess in Polian’s airship. Meanwhile, a jealous Anthony Morelli told reporters that he wouldn’t mind resting as well.

“Eh yo, I work so hard all year… uhh… I want week to sit on bench and come to uhh… game drunk without coach yelling at me haha… uhh… eh yo,” Morelli said.

Don’t worry, Pats fans – according to Emmitt, Morelli won’t be sitting on the bench anytime soon.

“Unlike the Indianapolis Colts, I do not take anything for grantive,” Emmitt said. “To be head coach in the National Conference League, you have to learn from the other guys who have coached before you have coached. And to quote my good from Herman Edward, �You win to play the game. Hello. You win to play the game.’ Here in the city of New England, we will follow the Herm’s advice and win to play the game.”