Emmitt on the Brink – Season 7: Week 7

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT CONFRONTS LEADER OF THE BLOODS

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Jan. 30, 2019

Emmitt and his friends departed early Wednesday morning. Tasked with recovering the Crips’ Justin Bieber videos from the Bloods, they ventured over to the rival gang’s headquarters.

“Do you really think DeSean Jackson knows where the second scion of the Walking Buc apocalypse is?” Josh Gordon asked. “DeSean is a pretty shady guy, so do you think he’s tricking us?”

“He knows something for sure,” Johnny Manziel confirmed. “Only a handful of people know that Emmitt and two others are the only ones who can stop the Walking Bucs from taking over the planet, so we need to find out what he knows.”

The Tampa streets were surprisingly empty. Emmitt and his friends were expecting to see many Walking Bucs roaming around, but they only encountered one – a woman with ghastly boils on her face who wanted to share her detergent with the six men. Gordon readied his shotgun, but he didn’t need to use it; Jerry Jones offered the woman a Dallas Cowboys playoff ticket, and she collapsed in laughter. Ray Rice squashed her head with his boot.

“She put up a valiant fight, but I have vanquished another female in a bloody battle,” he said proudly, as he needlessly dragged her body around the city.

About half an hour later, the six men arrived at the Bloods’ headquarters. They found themselves standing in front of a Chuck E. Cheese’s.

“I am confuse, very confuse,” Emmitt said, scratching his head. “Why the Blood havin’ a party at Chicken Cheese? I use to has birthday party there when I was kid, and all my friend gived me Christmas present for my birthday.”

“Because the Bloods love to play Skeeball,” Manziel explained. “That, and they love to rub their nipples while watching little boys play. That’s why they stole the Justin Bieber videos. His childish features are so prominent that having him on screen is like watching a thousand little boys play at the same time.”

Emmitt and his crew located a cracked window on the side of the Chuck E. Cheese’s. They slipped in one by one, though Jerry Jones volunteered to stay behind so that he could keep watch. The five men crawled on the ground to avoid being seen. They quietly made their way to the leader’s office, all while seeing plenty of nipple rubbing and Skeeball playing along the way. Some members even rubbed someone else’s nipples while that player rolled a ball down the ramp.

They eventually found the leader’s office. They peered in and saw Ron Jaworski rubbing his nipples while watching a monitor.

“Ron Jaw, we finally meet at lasted,” Emmitt said, startling the former Eagles’ quarterback.

Jaworski composed himself and sported an obvious fake smile.

“Ah, Emmitt, Josh, Ray, Bob, Johnny, welcome to my humble abode,” Jaworski said. “I’ve been watching lots of film on Nick Foles and how he has developed in the National Football League. Nick has a quick release and goes through his progressions perfectly, and best of all, he throws that tight spiral that always gets delivered where he wants to throw it. Nick Foles has been a great quarterback in the National Football League.”

“Cut the crap, Jaws,” Manziel snapped, wiping the grin off Jaworski’s face. “We know you stole the Crips’ Justin Bieber videos. We need them back.”

“Fine, you caught me,” Jaworski admitted. “I’ve been watching lots of film on Justin Bieber and how he has developed into a pop culture icon despite not being in the National Football League. Justin has cute cheekbones, a voice that makes one’s private parts very excited, and best of all, his lesbian haircuts are second to none. Justin Bieber has been a great alternative to watching games of the National Football League.”

“We need those videos back, Jaws,” Gordon demanded.

“Oh you do, do you?” Jaworski lashed back. “Wes, come in here.”

A short man joined everyone in Jaworski’s office.

“Wes, please tie these men up and escort them to the dungeon,” Jaworski ordered. “I’ve watched lots of film on them, and most of them were once elusive players in the National Football League. Emmitt had great durability, Josh possessed freak athleticism, Johnny snorted lots of cocaine, and Ray caught the ball out of the backfield very well, so these former players of the National Football League are extremely dangerous.”

Before Emmitt and his friends could do anything, Wes Welker split into five copies of himself. The Welker copies tied Emmitt and everyone else up and led them to the dungeon.