The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Sept. 4, 2018
Why does it seem like the Patriots are always mired in some sort of controversy? First, there was Spygate. Then, Aaron Hernandez was arrested for the murder of Odin Lloyd. And who could forget Spygate II, which prompted NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to use his powers to ban former head coach Bill Belichick from the league and install former running back great Emmitt in his place?
There must be something in the New England water because the Patriots have once again taken a ton of heat for a horrific event. Just as Spygate repeated itself, there is once again another deceased member of the Lloyd family. This time, it was Fenrir Lloyd, brother of the late Odin.
"This is a sad day for the Lloyd family," said Ragnarok, the father. "First, my boy, and then my other boy? When will the madness stop? I will not rest until the losers responsible are brought to justice!"
It doesn't appear as though Ragnarok Lloyd will be going too much longer without sleep, as police already have arrested their No. 1 suspect - Patriots' quarterback Anthony Morelli. The authorities said that all of the evidence pointed toward Morelli, and that the arrest was "as close to a no-brainer as you can get." A double entendre for Morelli? Perhaps.
Police first discovered two words written in the dirt near Fenrir Lloyd's body: "oopsie lol." Fenrir's body was found right across from Morelli's house, so the authorities naturally knocked on his door to ask him some questions. When Morelli answered and saw the cops, he quickly muttered, "oopsie" and then laughed out loud.
The authorities then found that Morelli's security system had been disabled the night before, with one of his video cameras - the one pointing directly across the street where Fenrir Lloyd's body was found - smashed to pieces.
"Eh yo, I dunno I even have security sister haha, huh?" Morelli said/asked.
If this wasn't suspicious enough, the police said that there was dirt under Morelli's fingernails. When they asked him about it, he flipped them the bird and then ran to the bathroom to wash his hands. He then feigned complete ignorance.
"I dunno what guy talkin' bout dirty finger, haha!" Morelli laughed. "Eh yo, guy says dirty finger like middle finger, I show him middle finger then I think maybe finger really dirty so I wash haha, eh yo."
The police had heard enough. When they shouted, "Anthony Morelli, you are under arrest," the quarterback started toward his bedroom. They then handcuffed him, prompting a confused Morelli to shout, "Eh yo, you say I need rest but sleep place that way haha."
It seemed as though the authorities found their man - but it was clear that wasn't the case the following night when Ragnarok Lloyd, along with his daughter, Freya, and brothers, Loki and Thor, were all found dead near Morelli's house. Morelli obviously couldn't have murdered them while locked up in jail, so the police relented that they arrested the wrong man.
"Haha guy in small room with bar say he want to put pee-pee in my butt and I laugh because that mean he gay, eh yo, but then he put pee-pee in my butt and it hurt a lot haha, huh?" Morelli said/asked.
Unfortunately, the police have no leads for the Lloyd killer. The local authorities stepped aside hours later when the FBI took over the investigation. Carl Winslow, who is now running the FBI, made a statement to the media.
"I, Carl Winslow, Lord of Doughnuts, Denizen of Doritos and Chieftain of Cheetos, have hereby declared this to be a federal investigation," Winslow said. "We at the FBI shall not rest under the culprit - the correct culprit, mind you - is behind bars. I will begin my investigation immediately - and by immediately, I mean when Lobster Fest is over at Red Lobster. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an important meeting to attend to at Red Lobster."
Winslow also hinted that he will seek outside help for this investigation. Does he mean Emmitt, who helped Roger Goodell solve Bountygate II last year? If so, where is Emmitt? No one has seen or heard from him since he left Goodell's award ceremony in December.
CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Sept. 10, 2018
It's been a week, and the FBI has still yet to locate Emmitt. Where has he gone? Is it possible that he enrolled in some grammar school? Has he been kidnapped by aliens, who are anally probing him as you're reading this? Your guess is as good as ours.
The Lloyd murders have overshadowed some strange events that have occurred in the NFL recently. With nearly one week of action in the books, it's time to address them.
The most glaring thing can be found in your local newspaper or the NFL.com standings page. If you haven't seen what the AFC West looks like, take a gander:
New England: 1-0
Kansas City: 1-0
New York Jets: 0-1
San Diego: 0-1
You're probably thinking the same thing as us - why are there nine teams in the AFC West, including the Patriots, Dolphins, Cowboys, Eagles, Jets and Jaguars? Why are the Buffalo Bills the only remaining team in the AFC East? NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell explained what happened to the media.
"I forgot to mention that in the offseason, six teams - that would be the Patriots, Dolphins, Jets, Jaguars, Cowboys and Eagles - have agreed to join the AFC West," Goodell said. "Starting in 2019, this division will be known as the AFC Beast."
That's not the only change. The AFC East, which now only houses the Bills, will invite the CFL's Toronto Argonauts, Montreal Alouettes and Edmonton Eskimos to join the division in 2019. This new division will be called the AFC USA. We're not sure why a division that hosts three Canadian teams will be called the "AFC USA," but Goodell defended the title.
"As Americans, we all once immigrated to this great country," Goodell said. "Thus, it's our responsibility to make foreigners feel welcome. Those north of the border are unfamiliar with our way of life, so we want to make them feel like they're right at home in America."
Goodell's intentions sound altruistic, but in the end, it's all about the money. Per reports, the AFC Beast can offer each of the six new teams $10 billion per year for the next two decades, thanks to its new television contract with Spike TV.
"It's an honor and a privilege to be a member of the AFC Beast," said the stoic Bill Belichick, the new general manager of the Jets. "I've dreamt all my life that I could one day be in this glorious division. We're all about tradition with the Jets, and we believe that we'll have great tradition going forward with our new divisional rivals."
The commissioner of the AFC USA, meanwhile, wasn't as enthusiastic.
"Oh boy, oh boy, looks like ole Wade bungled another one!" said Wade Phillips, who was named commissioner last year. "The Jets, Patriots and Dolphins all came over to ol' Wade's house and said they was gonna leave, and ol' Wade offered them popsicles to cool everyone down. Looks like the popsicles did not do the trick. If these news teams aren't competitive it's gonna be curtains for ol' Wade, oh boy, oh boy!"
The problem, as it turns out, wasn't the $10 billion in comparison to some popsicles.
"I wanted cherry, but all that turd had was lime and grape!" bellowed Dolphins' general manager Jeff Ireland. "I had the urge to ask Wade if his mom is a slut, but abandoning him is even sweeter revenge."
Meanwhile, Goodell announced that he's planning to send a second team overseas. The Carolina Panthers moved to London already, but now Goodell wants another squad out of the country. He revealed that he hasn't decided on the location just yet.
"There are four or five contenders, so it'll depend on who builds the most expensive statue of me," Goodell said. "I shall make my decision in the next few weeks."
With the Lloyd murder investigation, this crazy divisional realignment and a second international team, the 2018 season is shaping up to be most interesting.