Emmitt on the Brink – Season 12: Week 2

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT’S FIRST MEETING AS COMMISSIONER

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Dec. 18, 2020

Emmitt never imagined that he would be saying farewell to his eldest son so soon. It was only eighteen years when he brought him home to his disappointed wife. The bastard child was not welcomed by his new mother, who saw Emmitt Snow Jr. as a symbol of his father’s infidelity.

Emmitt Snow Jr. constantly asked his father to talk about his mother, but Emmitt relented. The story was too painful, and he felt as though Emmitt Snow Jr. was too young to handle the ramifications. Now, he was about to say goodbye to his son for a long time, as Emmitt Snow Jr. was traveling to Antarctica to begin scouting for NFL expansion.

“The next time I seened you, we gonna talk about your motherhood,” Emmitt told the bastard.

“But dad, we have about a half hour until I have to leave for the airport,” Emmitt Snow Jr. replied. “You can just tell me now. We don’t have to wait. I’m mature enough to handle it.”

“No, I am afraidness that I cannot do these,” Emmitt replied. “Beside, I gotta head to a meeting with people in this offices and then the team meeting on how we gonna debeat the Bill.”

Emmitt Snow Jr. began to protest, but his father hugged him quickly. He then handed his bastard some emergency packets of ketchup.

“You never know when you gonna need protect, so here are some condoms,” Emmitt said.

Shedding a tear, Emmitt left the lobby, leaving his son to wait for the cab to take him to the airport. Emmitt took the elevator up to the conference room, where his team was waiting for him. His advisor and translator, Melissa Stark, was seated at the table, as were Troy Vincent, the executive vice president of football operations, and Alberto Riveron, senior vice president of officiating. Standing was Goodell Bot 2.0, a robot that the previous NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, created to take his place in the event that Goodell would break. Goodell didn’t count on there being a new league commissioner.

“May I present Emmitt, commissioner of the National Football League,” Stark announced. “The Father of Geese. The Debacler of Debacles. The Smasher of Statue-13. The Eraser of the Evil Realm. The Conqueror of King Jong-un. The Nerfer of the Never-Clean. The Torturer of Turkey Necks. The Foiler of the Factor Back. The Owner and General Manager of the New England Patriots.”

Everyone else in the room bowed to Emmitt. Vincent was first to address Emmitt once he was seated.

“Your commissionership, first of all, thank you for returning every franchise to its original city from the failed Los Angeles experiment,” Vincent said. “However, we’re concerned with the direction you’re taking the league, your commissionership. Using resources to discover Antarctica’s viability for hosting a 33rd franchise seems ambitious. Barely anyone lives in Antarctica, and it’s far too cold to attract visitors. The players I spoke to would never sign with that franchise. If we’re looking for expansion, may I recommend San Antonio, Oklahoma City or Salt Lake City?”

“First of all, Vincent Troy, thank you for sharing your pinions,” Emmitt said. “I must disagreement with you on some thing. First of all, Vincent Troy, you say Antarctica a consonant. This not truthfulness. Antarctica the 60th state in the United America State; he attach to the city of Canada. Fourth of all, it a missed steak to mention Salt Lake City as a possible place for football team because it unpossible to build a stadium in the ocean, which sound like the only thing in Salt Lake City.”

“That’s not- I-,” Vincent started, appearing frustrated. “Alberto, care to back me up here?”

“Sorry, I’m too busy watching the home shopping network to make a ruling on this,” Riveron said, mindlessly while staring at his phone.

“Beep, I have a suggestion, beep,” said Goodell Bot 2.0.

“What are you suggesting even though you not really alife?” Emmitt asked.

“Beep, for Mister Vincent arguing against you, I believe you should give him swift punishment, beep,” Goodell Bot 2.0 recommended.

“No, it’s supposed to be different with Roger gone!” Vincent cried.

“Do not worry, Vincent Troy Aikman, I not gonna gived you a swift punish; if I gived you a punish, it gonna be a slowed punish, but I not gonna give you a punish unless you disagreement with me again.”

“Sorry, your commissionership,” Vincent retreated.

“Now, on to important business,” Emmitt said. “That bald guy who comed in here yesterday said White Russian coming to destroy all football team. Do anyone belief this? What do you think Alron Rivers?”

“Sorry, I’m now watching Days of Our Lives and I cannot offer a ruling on this,” Riveron said.

“White Russians are as real as grumkins and snarks,” Vincent snorted. “No one has seen them in ages. But Trent has never acted irrational like this. That said, I would exercise caution. Perhaps the employees you have in Antarctica can scout the area and report on any possible Russian activity.”

“Vincent Troy Aikman, you once again gived me a confuse suggest,” Emmitt said. “What do exercise have to do with these? I sometime exercise my legs and my arm, but how do you exercise your caution? This do not make any sense.”

“Beep, I recommend swift punishment on Mr. Vincent for bad suggestions, beep,” Goodell Bot 2.0 said.

“I do not have any time for these,” Emmitt said. “I certainly do not has time to exercise my caution because I has a meeting with my team next on how to beat the Buffalo Bill. Now, if you accuse me, I will make like a leaf and tree.”

Emmitt quickly departed, leaving everyone frustrated for different reasons. Riveron, in particular, was fuming because he lost the Wi-Fi connection on his phone.

QUESTIONING THE VALIDITY OF EMMITT’S COMMISSIONERSHIP

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Saturday, Dec. 19, 2020

Emmitt had a much more productive meeting with his team regarding the strategy against the Buffalo Bills. The Patriots, who began the year 0-6-1, have won six consecutive games. Now 6-6-1, the Patriots have some hope of reaching the playoffs if they finish the year with three more victories.

Emmitt was getting ready for bed when he received a call from his friend Michael Irvin.

“Hello, Michael Irvington,” Emmitt said. “I assume you gonna give me some advice and say that point win championship?”

“WHILE THAT IS TRUE THAT POINTS WIN CHAMPIONSHIPS, EMMITT, THAT IS NOT THE MAIN POINT OF THIIS TELEPHONE CALL THAT I AM MAKING TO YOU RIGHT NOW,” Irvin screamed into the phone. “TURN YOUR TELEVISION SET ON RIGHT NOW, EMMITT, DO IT RIGHT NOW, EMMITT, AND TURN THE CHANNEL TO THE NEWS NETWORK, EMMITT, BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO SEE SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN POINTS WINNING CHAMPIONSHIPS, WHICH IS VERY TRUE, SO DON’T DENY THOSE WORDS, EMMITT, GOOD NIGHT AND GOD BLESS.”

Emmitt did as commanded and was utterly shocked to see the words on the bottom of the screen.

“EMMITT AN ILLEGITIMATE COMMISSIONER DUE TO COLLUSION?”

The host of this broadcast, Rochelle Meadows, had a tear trickling down her cheek as she spoke.

“Ladies and gentlemen, it is my understanding that there has been collusion at the National Football League office,” Meadows said. “Our sources report that football Web site owner Walter Cherepinsky spent $8 in Facebook ads, promoting Emmitt to be the next commissioner of the National Football League. Here is proof:”