Emmitt on the Brink – Season 6: Week 15

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

ALDON SMITH AVENGES LITTLE TACO

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Dec. 3, 2018

They were late. They were always late. Aldon Smith’s two best friends were completely unreliable, especially when it came to punctuality, but at least they were loyal. They, along with his girlfriend, were the only people he could trust right now.

Aldon thought about his girlfriend and realized the pain she might be going through right now. She hadn’t slept in days, constantly sitting by her son as he rested in his hospital bed. Poor little Taco didn’t hurt anyone. He was the sweetest kid Aldon had ever met. What sort of monster would poison would him? One thing was for sure though – Aldon would get revenge.

Aldon spat at the ground angrily, but was immediately startled when he heard some commotion behind him. His two friends approached him, arguing about something important.

“Deanna Troi was definitely the hottest chick on Star Trek, man,” said Skinny Jaguar, a slender man wearing a skull cap and a Sacramento Jaguars’ No. 14 jersey.

“No way man, I think you’ve forgotten how big the jugulars on Seven of Nine were, bro,” replied Tiger, a chubbier man with unkempt hair, donning a Kansas City Chiefs’ No. 82 uniform.

Aldon usually liked arguing with Tiger and Skinny Jaguar, but time was precious. He needed to complete his mission as quickly as possible to save Taco.

“You guys have it?” snapped Aldon impatiently.

“Yeah, calm down, man, my guy I knew from my playing days came through,” Skinny Jaguar replied calmly. He opened his bag and handed some C-4 to Aldon.

“Hey, Aldon, we were wondering if…” Tiger started, but Aldon interrupted him because he didn’t want to hear any of it.

“I’m not blowing up any buildings,” Aldon interjected. “Don’t worry about it.”

“No, man, we were wondering if you had any of that blue cat urine that you and your boss cook up,” Skinny Jaguar said. Aldon didn’t feel like dealing with this, so he just shook his head, put the C-4 in his bag and climbed into his car.

Aldon arrived at the designated meeting place, a hot dog stand on the outskirts of town, 20 minutes later. His boss was already there waiting for him.

“You’re late,” the hooded man hissed, though his mouth did not move.

“I’m sorry,” Aldon said unapologetically. “My friends were… never mind. So, when are we going to do this, Aar-”

“Say my name, the hooded man interjected, emphasizing the final word.

“Ugh, fine, Belichick,” Aldon grumbled.

“You’re damn right,” the hooded man growled, staring back blankly.

Aldon and his boss went over their plan. They were going to lure the man responsible for Taco’s illness, an elderly, bespectacled man who goes by the name of “Pescados,” into a room by promising him that they’d cook up the purest blue cat urine the world has ever seen. Pescados, a shrewd businessman, would undoubtedly take the bait, as his buyers have yearned for the potent blue cat urine that Belichick and Aldon have produced.

“What if he doesn’t fall for our trick?” Aldon asked, still unsure the plan would work.

“It will,” Belichick declared confidently, his mouth still not moving. “Besides, I have a Plan B.”

Hours later, Belichick met with Pescados at Los Pescados, a fish-and-chips restaurant that the cat-urine drug lord used as a front. Belichick told Pescados about his new, fresh batch of blue cat urine. The cautious Pescados seemed eager, but thought this seemed to be too good to be true. That’s when Belichick revealed the ace up his sleeve.

“I know your true name, and your only surviving relative is at this location,” Belichick whispered, handing Pescados a slip of paper. The color drained out of Pescados’ face almost instantly. Got him, Belichick thought confidently.

Sure enough, Pescados sprinted to his car and sped away to the address Belichick handed to him. He arrived at the nursing home within minutes. He ran up the stairs and into the designated room, where he saw Brandon Lloyd gagged and tied up to a chair.

“It’s me, Christopher Lloyd!” Pescados shouted. “You and I are the only Lloyds left on this planet because someone’s been killing them all!”

Brandon tried screaming to warn Christopher, but his mouth was covered. It was too late anyway.

“This is for little Taco!” Aldon bellowed, pressing the button. The explosion was deafening. There was smoke, fire and ash everywhere. Aldon was alarmed when he saw Pescados emerge from the room to fix his tie, but the elderly actor collapsed because half of his face was blown off.

Aldon ran to Belichick, who was watching from afar.

“We did it!” Aldon rejoiced. “We got the monster who put Taco into a coma with a really bad case of herpes!”

Belichick smiled. Pescados was gone. He took down the kingpin, and now that title belonged to him. His only regret was not outright killing Taco; the little kid was very annoying, so giving him herpes was quite pleasurable.

A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK’S HOUSE

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Emmitt on the Brink – Season 6: Week 15

ALDON SMITH AVENGES LITTLE TACO

A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK’S HOUSE

ALDON SMITH AVENGES LITTLE TACO

A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK’S HOUSE

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