Emmitt on the Brink – Season 8: Week 16

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt tasked to find Kim Jong-Jongson

ROGER GOODELL AND KIM JONG-UN

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, July 22, 2019

It didn’t make any sense. When Emmitt and his companions ripped Kim Jong-un’s mask off to reveal that it was Roger Goodell the entire time, no one knew how to react. Goodell was the only one uttering a sound at this point, and he continued to transition between his multiple personalities.

“Prease daddy, I want to pray with My Rittre Pony!” he said in his usual voice.

“No, you are my onry son and you must be strong to become reader of Repubric of North Korea,” he said in a deeper tone.

“Chocolatey cereal with chocolatey marshmallows bats; satisfies a chocolate monster – in no time flat!” he chirped in a Transylvanian accent.

“I care about women so much even though I allow thugs like Greg Hardy and Ray Rice to play; if you don’t believe me, remember how much money we donate to Breast Cancer Awareness,” he declared, now sounding like Goodell.

“Hey!” Ray Rice snapped. “I apologized on Sportscenter, remember? I was very remorseful, so that means I’ve been absolved of all wrongdoing.”

Goodell continued to mutter himself, while the others continued to look at each other in disbelief.

“I can’t believe my eyes,” Barry Sanders said.

“If you can’t believe your eyes, maybe you should become friend with new eyes because you should never be friend with somebody you cannot trusted,” Emmitt said.

“Emmitt, didn’t Goodell send you on this mission?” Dianna Marie Russini asked. “Don’t you think we should still look for the nuclear weapons?”

“I’m beginning to think it was a ruse all along,” Rice said, looking at Russini, who seemed rather disappointed for some reason. “But I don’t know how Tom Brady fits into this.”

At the sound of “Tom Brady,” Goodell/Kim Jong-un snapped out of it.

“Emmitt,” Goodell said. “You finarry – I mean, finally – figured out that I’ve been Kim Jong-un all along.”

“Roger Goldman, what is the meaning of this?” Emmitt asked, sounding rather frustrated. “I flowned all around the world and come to the world of North Korean just to stop Kim Johnson, and it turn out that you the man himselves!”

“It is true,” Goodell admitted. “I’ve been Kim Jong-un all along. There never really was a Kim Jong-un to begin with, really. There was a Kim Jong-il, but he died and then I stepped in and pretended to be his bastard son. I don’t know why people believed me; I guess it was too far-fetched for everyone to think that someone as ridiculous as Kim Jong-un could not exist.

“I like being in charge, so I just ran with being a dictator of this country,” Goodell continued. “I implemented all of the laws I wanted to, and it was a dream come true. I’ve always wanted to rule people as a dictator, but American raws – I mean laws – don’t allow that for some reason.”

“But what about your wet nurse secretary?” Rice asked. “Or, how about Jared Fogle; how was he involved in this? And what about Tom Brady? What was his role?”

“Oh, the wet nurse was just some senile woman I brought in from the local nursing home, and I brainwashed her to say whatever I wanted her to say,” Goodell explained. “Fogle was just a distraction so I could buy time to complete my master plan, and that was to make everyone turn on Tom Brady once it was announced that there was a threat to America as a result of his cheating. And it would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids.”

“Awgh8gowoeij wrng wro gwrogn oe bnrgb crypt ndflg vwrnjg renj yrhlrt gsnldg eonb eogn v,” Shannon Sharpe said.

“Yeah, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Shannon brings up a good point. Why did you drag Emmitt into this?” Mangini asked.

“I couldn’t do nothing,” Goodell said. “Emmitt was responsible for stopping the Walking Bucs Apocalypse. He’s an American hero. I had to send our best hope, or it might look super suspicious. I was hoping Jared and also Greg Hardy would be able to stop you, but you’ve proven to be too elusive.”

“So, what about the nuclear weapons, then?” Russini asked. “Where are they?”

“Nuclear weapons? Ha!” Goodell snorted. “As if a s***ty country like North Korea could have those. We barely have running water here! Just because we have two nuclear facilities doesn’t mean that we have nuclear weapons. It’s like, we have numerous Pizza Huts in North Korea, but no pizza because I outlawed pizza several years ago.”

“Why would you do that?” Sanders asked.

“Because people like pizza, and I didn’t want people to be happy!” Goodell snapped. “I hate when people are happy! It’s horrible!”

“Roger Goldman, what’s to stop us from calling 9-1-1 and having the police come and put you under the rest?” Emmitt asked.

“First of all, there’s no 9-1-1 here,” Goodell said. “I control the entire police force. And second, you guys are going to look pretty bad if the public finds out that a North Korean dictator has been running the NFL this time. The NFL will disband, and all of you will lose your pensions. Well, all of you except for that female reporter, but she won’t have a career writing about football, so she also stands to lose considerably. Hey, where did she go, anyway?”

“She’s right-” Rice started, pointing to where Russini stood moments ago, but she wasn’t there. “Dianna? Dianna, where are you?” She was gone.