I will be publishing all of my random NFL notes that I’ve listed on my NFL Picks pages here so you can easily look back at what I’ve written. This page will be updated each week during the season.
Random NFL Notes: Week 17:
1. Can I mention how pissed off I was about there being a Christmas Eve game? I mentioned last week that the Saturday contests were a part of the NFL’s Divorce Package, and the Christmas Eve Chargers-Raiders battle was certainly a piece of that.
There’s literally no reason to have a game on Christmas Eve. People are with their families that night; they’re not watching football. I didn’t even tune in live, and it’s my job to watch football; I DVRed the game and waited until my girlfriend went to bed, so I turned it on at 1 a.m. Making matters worse, the contest went to overtime, so by the time I finished watching it and completed my write-up, it was already 5 a.m. I didn’t get to bed around 6, which sucked because I had to get up at 10 to go to my girlfriend’s parents’ house. I was dead the entire day.
I can’t even imagine what New Year’s Eve will be like. The NCAA, in its infinite wisdom, has an 8 p.m. semi-final game scheduled that night.
The NCAA is completely incompetent, and they’ve done so many stupid things over the years, but this might be the dumbest move yet. Young dudes who love football are going to be out partying and getting drunk. Married men who love football will be out with their wives. Why not schedule the games for New Year’s Day, when everyone is hung over and has nothing better to do than wach football? It’s such common sense, though I guess we’re talking about an entity that took more than a century to realize that having a playoff would be a great revenue producer. Idiots.
2. The best part of last week wasn’t opening up Christmas presents or giving gifts to loved ones. It also wasn’t the delicious Christmas feast I had at my girlfriend’s parents’ house. It was the following tweet from Ron Jaworski:
“Wow!” is right. News broke three hours later that Odell Beckham Jr. would indeed be suspended. This prompted some hilarious responses on Twitter:
I had a good time reading these replies. And while these people were being typical Internet a**holes who would never say those things to Jaworski in real life, some of them do sort of have a point with ESPN-type reporting nowadays. ESPN has an obsession with being first with everything that it sometimes hurts their reporting. Chris Mortensen does a great job, but many of their other reporters often get things wrong because they just want to get credit for being first. Ironically, however, if another network initially reports a story, ESPN will always steal the story and have one of their guys get credit.
It’s ridiculous, so I enjoyed ESPN botching another story. This must have made Jaworski sad…
3. Speaking of Jaworski being a gang member, I had the following conversation with my girlfriend during dinner recently:
Me: So, Jared Fogle ended up getting his balls cut off!
Girlfriend: WHAT!? Are you serious!?
Me: A female ESPN reporter did it!
Girlfriend: When did this happen!? … Wait, I’m Googling this and I don’t see it.
Me: Oh, it was on Emmitt on the Brink!
It has truly been a great season on Emmitt on the Brink. Jared from Subway got castrated, Greg Hardy drowned in his own pool, and Kim Jong-un and Roger Goodell… well, I won’t spoil it for you, but the finale reveal will be a shocker.
Random NFL Notes: Week 16:
1. I’m typing these random notes during halftime of the Cowboys-Jets game, and I have one question to ask Roger Goodell: Are you happy now that you’ve ruined some marriages?
I hate these Saturday games, but I imagine that women despise them even more. In fact, here was an actual conversation I had with my girlfriend Saturday morning:
Girlfriend: Did you want to go out to dinner tonight?
Me: I do, but there’s a game on that I have to watch.
Girlfriend: Excuse me!?
Me: Yeah. It’s part of the NFL’s Divorce Package.
I brought this up on the podcast, and Matvei noted that it’s Goodell’s wet dream that all men get divorced. Instead of spending money on women during the holidays, single dudes would buy NFL apparel and play more daily fantasy, which would lead to more viewership.
With that in mind, I’m shocked that Goodell doesn’t put a game on TV every night. I could see him tapping his fingers together in his evil lair, hissing, “Ts-ts-ts-ts, soon all marriages will be ruined because of my grand-master plan, ts-ts-ts-ts!”
2. Sticking with Goodell, I still find it appalling that he suspended Josh Gordon indefinitely, yet is allowing absolute scumbags like DE Woman Beater and QB Dog Killer to take the field. Gordon made honest mistakes, but doesn’t happen to be evil like DEWB and QBDK. I don’t know who Goodell thinks he is, but he needs to be told that this isn’t Saudi Arabia. People should be allowed to drink alcohol and play in the NFL.
I’m bringing this up now in the wake of some news on Gordon that he has really turned his life around. Gordon has been working out constantly and has taken up art in his spare time. It seems like he’s a new man, unlike DEWB and QBDK. He should be playing right now, but Goodell is a soulless a**hole who styles himself as a current-day Joseph Stalin. As I’ve stated before, he’s exactly like Stalin, but instead of killing millions, he gets countless people fired.
3. Speaking of douches, I didn’t post my opinion on LeSean McCoy’s revenge game against the Eagles. I thought McCoy’s attitude was terrible, and I completely agreed with Herm Edwards when the former coach went on a deranged rant where he nearly began foaming at the mouth. If you haven’t seen it, here it is:
The whole handshake thing is stupid. I don’t get why Chip Kelly wanted to shake McCoy’s hand in the first place, and I think it’s dumb that McCoy angrily declined. However, when things spiraled out of control, I thought McCoy should have gone the other way with it. If I were him, I would’ve said this to the media:
“I didn’t mean it as a sign of disrespect or anger that I didn’t want to shake Coach Kelly’s hand. I don’t want to shake his hand because I once caught him jerking off bestiality porn, and I have to tell you guys, I know where that hand his been, and I don’t want any part of it.”
That would’ve ended the whole thing. McCoy would’ve saved face by bringing humor to the entire situation, and he would’ve made Kelly look bad in the process.
The lesson, as always: Don’t take yourself too seriously and have a sense of humor so that you don’t look like a loser slamming your helmet after you fail to come through.
Random NFL Notes: Week 15:
1. This week is a great time to discuss incompetent owners and general managers. Did you know that there’s a petition to remove Jed York from power? They have more than 2,100 signatures already. Their goal is 3,000 signatures, so let’s help make that happen!
Even if you’re not a 49ers fan, feel free to sign the petition. York reportedly fired Jim Harbaugh because Harbaugh “didn’t pay tribute to the stadium” – whatever the hell that means. What did York want Harbaugh to do, sacrifice some of his blood to it?
I especially enjoyed some of the comments in the petition:
Uhh… Shawn… did you really just call Jed York, “babe?” As for Maui, it sounds like this person thinks that a period is the worst thing to happen to “Ba Area sports.” Ah, so York is a 13-year-old girl – that explains everything!
2. Moving to general managers, if Colts fans are perplexed by some of the moves Indianapolis’ general manager has made recently, here’s an explanation from e-mailer Rob S:
Trent Baalke is trying to initiate Ryan Grigson into the cult of the Many-Faced God. Trent sacrificed his team’s Super Bowl chances, and now he’s telling Ryan how great it is to bring the god of death into your life.
Sounds pretty accurate to me!
3. And now, we move down the totem pole to the lowliest members of an organization – the fans! Check this out:
So many questions. Like, why would a Giants fan burn a Bucs flag? The two teams aren’t rivals. Did this guy think the Bucs are so irrelevant that no one would notice? And do you think he would’ve succeeded had he been awake? Or is he trying to claim that he was sleepwalking as a way to avoid getting charged with a crime? Open your eyes, bro!
Random NFL Notes: Week 14:
1. Let’s discuss some coaches. First of all, I don’t get the Tom Coughlin criticism. I would have gone for it on that fourth down. What’s the difference between going up 10 and 13? The Jets still would’ve been down two scores, and chances are, New York would’ve won by a point in regulation. Going for the touchdown was ideal. If the Giants converted, they would’ve been up three scores. If not, the Jets would’ve been stranded on their own 2-yard line. Eli Manning was the true culprit, throwing an interception and allowing the Jets to advance the ball to set up a scoring drive.
People who think Coughlin needs to be fired are idiots. Coughlin is still one of the top coaches in the NFL, and half the league would kill to have him. The Giants would be wise to sign him to an extension just to shut these morons up.
2. On the other end of the spectrum, there’s Mike Pettine. I don’t understand his decision-making regarding Johnny Manziel. Starting Josh McCown was at least defensible because McCown is, you know, a real NFL quarterback. Austin Davis is trash, however, so giving him the nod was just dumb. For those of you who have been reading for a while, you know my stance on Manziel. He’s a drunken bum. He sucks. However, Davis sucks as well, and losing the locker room just wasn’t worth it.
So, should Pettine be fired at the end of the year? No. On the contrary, I’d give him an extension. Yeah, seriously! The Browns have two glaring issues, outside of poor personnel and their crook of an owner. The first is a lack of continuity, and the second is that the inmates have been running the asylum this entire time. Pettine lost the locker room, but that’s inexcusable. Players, especially bad ones, should not be in a position of power like that. Extending Pettine would show them who’s boss, and Pettine should be given the power to suspend anyone who isn’t trying for acts detrimental to the team, much like the Eagles did with Terrell Owens a decade ago.
Do I think Pettine is a good coach? Not really, no. But things need to change in Cleveland. The organization needs to stick with one regime for more than two or three years, and the players need to be stripped of their power. That’s the only way the Browns will be able to turn things around.
3. Speaking of the Browns, Matt Millen was the color analyst of their game against the Bengals. I referenced something odd that he said in the NFL Power Rankings. Here were a couple of comments that were even stranger:
“Get your rear end up there!”
“It bit them in the rear end.”
OK, we get it, Matt. You love stuffing your kielbasas in rear ends. You don’t need to declare your love for doing so on national TV.
Random NFL Notes: Week 13, Bonus:
Here’s something that will be added to my Random NFL Notes. My friend and former neighbor Drew sent me an e-mail back in the summer. It had to do with this Giants-Jets game, so I wanted to save it for this matchup. Drew thinks this game offers an unfair advantage for the Giants. Here’s the e-mail:
I come to you today as a former neighbor, a friend, and as a Philadelphian. I know your father is an Eagles Fan and was probably crushed when they traded Foles, but I’m sure he remains loyal to his home team!
As you know I am a die hard Eagles fan, and there is great injustice happening this year. The NY Giants have an away game at Giant Stadium against the NY Jets. If you read my e-mail below, I sent a detailed note to Commissioner Goodell explaining this injustice and I offer a reasonable solution. I sent this on Monday, May 4 without a response.
I am coming to you as a man who built his own website from the ground up and now has millions and millions of readers! I am calling all Eagles, Cowboys, and Redskins Fans to come together & petition the NFL that this game every 4 years should be played in London or a Neutral Site. (Read my complete e-mail below).
The fans of these 3 teams need to come together for this unfair advantage that the Giants are receiving. “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”
Here’s the e-mail Drew sent to Roger Goodell, who did not reply back, probably because he was too busy staring at himself in the mirror:
Dear Commissioner Goodell,
As a life long Philadelphia Eagles fan, and fan of the NFL product, I have an issue with the New York Giants playing an away game against the New York Jets at MetLife (Giants) Stadium. Now you can argue that this is an away game for the Giants as the Jets are the home team and issue the tickets. I work with some Jets fans are their comments were “It will never be our stadium.” I feel this gives the Giants an extra home game being played at their stadium and an unfair advantage over their NFC East counterparts, which could prove crucial in determining a playoff bid in the competitive NFC East.
Having spent over 20 years in corporate america, I have learned that if you take issue with something, then provide a solution.
I suggest that when this game comes up every fourth year, that this game is played in London or another neutral site. So four years from now the Giants would be the home team and receive the gate and four years after that the Jets are the home team and receive the gate. You as commissioner tell the Mara-Tisch Family and the Johnson Family this is how it will be going forward in the interest of fairness and it is non-negotiable. This will also come into play should two teams from different conferences move to Los Angeles. You will know far in advance and have games for London already set.
Thank you for your time and consideration!
What does everyne think? Is Drew right? Is this a competitive advantage for the Giants? Does the NFL need to change how it handles the Giants-Jets games every four years? Let me know in the comments below, or just tweet at Goodell (@nflcommish) to annoy him.
Random NFL Notes: Week 13:
1. I write up these notes the weekend prior to the preceding games, so I didn’t get to touch on Johnny Manziel in this space last week. And no, Matt Millen, I didn’t just say “I didn’t get to touch Johnny Manziel.” Get your kielbasa-filled head out of the gutter.
I thought it was so predictable that Manziel both partied and covered it up from his coaching staff. It was almost as predictable as his trip to rehab being a PR stunt. I wrote it at the time. These were my exact words from back in April:
Does anyone else think that Manziel’s trip to rehab is a PR stunt? His rookie year was so bad that his publicist almost had to recommend rehab to repair his image.
It was completely ridiculous that people thought Manziel was a changed man. Even Cris Carter, who knows a thing or two about rehabilitation, said the following: “Johnny Manziel is a better person now.”
Umm… no. In the span of a month, he has allegedly hit a woman, gotten drunk several times and lied to his coaches about his partying habits. Manziel is a moron who would rather roll $20s in bathrooms with complete losers than be a real football player. He said so himself – prior to his rookie campaign, Manziel said that it was unfair to judge him for partying because he was a “normal 21-yar-old kid.”
That was all I needed to hear. He just didn’t get it. Normal 21-year-old kids – technically, people stop being “kids” when they hit 18 – aren’t quarterbacks of an NFL franchise. Normal 21-year-old kids aren’t the faces of organizations worth at least $500 million. If Manziel wants to keep partying, he should just stop trying to be a football player because he’s embarrassing himself. He should quit, although then, he’ll have to resort to rolling $1s instead of $20s, and once that happens, all of those “cool” people he likes to hang out with will suddenly be partying with someone else.
2. Speaking of terrible quarterbacks, renowned racist Stephen A. Smith went on one of his rants recently, blaming the ineptitude of Robert Griffin and Colin Kaepernick on the media:
“WAS IT THOSE AFICIONADOS WHO SAID THEY WERE GREAT DRAFT PROSPECTS AND RAISED EXPECTATIONS!?!?!?”
For those of you who have been reading this for a while, you’re well aware of how dumb and horrible Smith is. He apparently thinks Griffin and Kaepernick have failed because there were high expectations placed on them by members of the media, which is perhaps one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. Leave it to Smith to have two of his favorite quarterbacks not take any responsibility for their failures. Smith makes it sound like no quarterback who has had high expectations has ever succeeded, which is just absurd. Smith won’t want to hear this, but the reason that Griffin and Kaepernick have failed is because both have a terrible work ethic, and neither has taken well to coaching as a result. But no… it must be the high expectations. In fact, that’s why my picks have sucked. High expectations by those damn aficionados!
3. Staying on the subject of Sunday NFL Countdown, I hate this new segment ESPN does where Wendi Nix asks people to send in pictures or videos of something. It was cute the first time, but it’s overly annoying – especially when Nix sees a picture of a baby doing something and always says, “Let’s just call him (or her) the winner!”
Ugh, so aggravating. And I like Nix, too. She’s pretty knowledgeable, and super hot, to boot. But I just hate it when people, especially women, are overly obsessed with babies doing anything. I don’t find it cute at all. Babies, as far as I’m concerned, look like ugly aliens for the most part, and nothing they do impresses me. I’ll change my mind when I hear an 18-month-old recite Pi to the 15th decimal, but until then, I don’t want anymore babies winning anything!
Random NFL Notes: Week 12:
1. I normally criticize the NFL for many things, but I should commend them on the replay system. It’s cool that they can review calls unlike before when every ruling an official made stood no matter what. I mean, sure, sometimes the replays aren’t even called correctly, and sometimes the reviews take too long, and sometimes officials like Ed Hochuli confuse the rules and misinform the crowd incorrectly, and sometimes things ruled one way on the field can’t even be challenged… OK, maybe replay isn’t so great.
What the NFL can do to help smooth everything out is install a chip in the ball. I think that would really revolutionize the game. Seriously. Think about it, with a chip in the ball, we would know exactly where it is on the field in relation to the first down and goal line. Thus, no more chain gangs and no more challenge flags to look at the spot.
What sparked this was that Bruce Arians had to throw the red flag on two consecutive plays in the Week 10 Sunday night game at Seattle. The officials couldn’t even get it confirmed the second time because the view of the ball was covered up. If there’s a chip in the ball, it wouldn’t matter. The chain gang would no longer be needed, which is a great thing for football because they look like circus sideshow freaks in their weird orange outfits while carrying strange orange poles that are chained to each other. It’s very archaic and so avoidable.
2. Speaking of rule changes, I feel as though the Bears should be punished for not disclosing their injuries. John Fox and his coaching staff treat the injury reports as if they are the United States’ nuclear codes. It’s ridiculous. For example, they listed Matt Forte questionable all week despite the fact that he didn’t even travel with the team to St. Louis.
Roger Goodell needs to stop being a douche and start penalizing teams for this. Fox might think this is gamesmanship, but really, the injury report is for betting and fantasy purposes. Coaches may scoff at this, but betting and fantasy are why the NFL is so popular. Bettors and fantasy players effectively pay the salaries of Fox and other coaches, so the least that Fox and other a**hole coaches who conceal the injury report can do is be forthright to their paying customers.
3. I’ll end this on a very light note. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I recently watched a porno where some foreign dude was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by his insanely hot American girlfriend. He sat in between his girlfriend and a gold-digging stepmom. The latter, of course, was inappropriately touching this guy from under the table, while her oblivious, fat husband kept gawking about how he was excited to watch the football game.
“I love football!” he exclaimed.
Here’s a screenshot. Check out where the gold-digger’s right hand is, and how awkward the foreign dude looks:
So, why am I mentioning this? Well, I haven’t gotten to the best part yet. The fat husband mentioned that he was planning on going to his friend’s house to watch the game. The gold-digging wife, in an attempt to make small talk, asked who’s playing. The fat husband responded:
“The red team versus the blue team.”
Uhh… what!?!?! The “red team” versus the “blue team?” And you like football? You don’t even know the teams’ names!
OK, OK, OK, I get that this porno company could’ve been sued by the NFL and whatnot, but they still could have used generic city names without getting into trouble. The NFL couldn’t have done anything if the fat husband said Kansas City versus Detroit (if they wanted a red team versus a blue team so badly).
I was laughing so hard that I was instantly not in the mood anymore.
I’m actually going to say that from now on if people ask me who’s playing. This Monday night, it’s the purple team versus the orange team. I love football!
Random NFL Notes: Week 11:
1. I’ve been asked my thoughts on Daily Fantasy and its legal issues by quite a few people over the past week, so I thought I’d address it here.
Remember back when you were a kid, and you played a game with your friends at recess that may have been slightly against the rules, and there was that one douche who tattled on you and your friends, ruining everyone’s fun? This kid was a miserable a**hole with no friends. Unfortunately, people like that grow up and often earn a position of power, thanks to all of the brown-nosing that they do throughout their life. Once that occurs, they keep doing the same thing they did while being a kid – they spoil everyone’s good time by shutting down something that may have been slightly against the rules.
New York attorney general Eric Schneiderman is one of these people. Schneiderman is an a**hole who would have no friends if he didn’t pay for them. He’s a miserable human being who doesn’t want anyone to have any fun.
Schneiderman filed an injunction to keep Daily Fantasy sites like FanDuel and Draft Kings from operating in New York, citing that they are violating the state’s gambling laws. The citizens will now have to turn to the New York State Lottery as a get-rich-quick scheme. Because playing the lottery is not gambling at all. It takes so much skill knowing what the numbers will be, so Scheiderman will never stop the lottery from operating.
Schneiderman’s issue is simply that he’s not getting in on the action. Much like the kid who tattled because no one wanted him around, Schneiderman is left out and wants DFS to stop operating because he’s not making any money off it. He’s a dirty politician with absolutely no integrity. You want people to stop gambling, Schneiderman? Fine. Put an end to your state’s lottery. Make it so gambling is completely illegal in New York so that no one can ever have any fun.
It’s even questionable whether DFS constitutes as gambling. Sure, there is a gambling aspect to it, but only like anything else. When boarding a plane, you’re gambling with your life. What if some goat-porking terrorist decides to blow up your plane? There are risks with everything, and there’s really not much to it when it comes to FanDuel. Most people bet $25 per day at most, and those who do win are usually math geeks with advanced formulas. DFS is not anything like conventional gambling. Playing slots and spinning the roulette wheel is pure gambling. Even poker is more gambling than skill; reading people are bluffing are talents, but if you get the worst hands, you’re seldom going to win.
DFS is way more skill than gambling. Take a look at who wins every day. Per a study, 1.3 percent of players win in DFS, and that 1.3 percent is comprised of math geeks with those fancy algorithms. If that isn’t skill, I don’t know what is.
DFS is fun. Even if people don’t win, it makes their sports-watching experience more enjoyable. DFS is not about gambling. No one is going to lose their house because they played so much DFS. I’d say that this isn’t something Schneiderman understands, but that wouldn’t be true. Schneiderman knows it’s fun. But he doesn’t want people to have fun. His financial interests are way more important. In fact, if Schneiderman were offered a piece of the pie, he’d instantly cease this nonsense. He’s a crook who needs to be stopped.
2. So, how can DFS stop Schneiderman? Easy. In fact, I’m shocked DFS hasn’t done it already.
Bribery? Nah. Schneiderman would win then, and that’s something we don’t want because he’s a scumbag. Besides, if DFS doesn’t offer him enough, he could blow the whistle on them, just like he did on the playground as a child.
Here’s what I would do: I’d hire a mobster to go over to his house and have a friendly chat with him. This mobster would explain to Schneiderman that DFS would have to be legal going forward, emphasizing the importance of overturning his decision. If Schneiderman doesn’t comply within 24 hours, this mobster would then slice off a horse’s head and put it in Schneiderman’s bed as a lesson for not listening.
How quickly do you think it would take Schneiderman to stop this nonsense once that occurred? It’s a 100-percent fool-proof plan. Sure, it’s something that came out of a movie, but it would work. I guarantee it. In fact, DFS presidents, if you’re reading this, I will volunteer to be that mobster if you pay me enough. Except, I’d feel bad about killing a horse, so I’d go to a farm and ask for a dead horse and use that. It would put an end to Schneiderman’s tyranny, and that’s what’s most important.
3. If you’re like me and want to see Scheiderman put in his place, but don’t want to deal with a horse’s head, go here to sign a petition to protect fantasy sports in New York.
Random NFL Notes: Week 10:
1. I wrote this about Ray Rice when the elevator video surfaced, and I’ll say the same thing now in the wake of the Greg Hardy photos being leaked: I don’t understand why people are outraged right now. Just like we knew what Rice did, we were well aware of what Hardy was guilty of. He was convicted – CONVICTED! – but didn’t face punishment because the defendant suddenly disappeared, either because she was too scared for her life, or Hardy paid her off/stashed her somewhere.
People should’ve been this outraged when the news first broke on Hardy. To all those who are suddenly angry now, why did you need to see these photos? Were you unaware of what he did before? Were you just not paying attention, or could you not envision what Hardy may have been guilty of?
I’ve been adamant that Hardy should not be playing right now. Sure, he missed 15 games in 2014, but he was paid during his time off, so it’s not like he was punished harshly. If you’re at a job, and you do something terribly wrong, wouldn’t you be happy if they gave you three-plus months of paid leave? Hardy was actually suspended for four games, sure, but it’s definitely not nearly enough. The NFL should’ve banned him for the year, but once again, the NFL has proven that it hates women. Roger Goodell barely did anything about Rice prior to the video being leaked, and per a news report, only 8 percent of the profits from Breast Cancer Awareness Month goes to charities and research.
I can’t do anything to get Hardy thrown out of the league besides ramble nonsensically. Well, maybe this will help just a tad. From now on, Hardy’s name will never be used on this site. I shall refer to him from now on as DE Woman Beater. And yes, I should’ve used this nickname before the pictures surfaced.
2. By the way, I just got fired. Writing that passage on the NFL and Goodell has cost me my job. Oh… wait… hold on… I forgot I don’t work for ESPN! I’m not fired after all!
I think it’s time for a reminder of how corrupt ESPN is. The “World Wide Leader,” which, as I’ve detailed before, is on its road to bankruptcy, is in Goodell’s back pocket. As a result, no one can say anything bad about him without being slapped with a suspension or walking papers. As a result, many talented people on ESPN have been let go. Goodell is like Joseph Stalin, but instead of killing people, he gets people fired.
Those who remain at ESPN are careful to tiptoe around the Goodell issue for fear of losing their jobs. Jackie MacMullan did a great job of doing this as well as echoing my sentiments on Friday’s episode of Around the Horn:
Nice work, Jackie. Much better than your ESPN co-worker Stephen A. Smith, who has defended Hardy, Ray Rice and Floyd Mayweather. I don’t need to say how appalling it is that ESPN has let go of good people and kept on racist, scumbag, woman-haters like Smith, but that’s apparently who the douchey John Skipper wants to surround himself with.
At any rate, MacMullan made a great point: Why root for the Cowboys at all, even if you’re a lifetime fan? The team clearly condones domestic violence. Jerry Jones and his minions have said that they don’t condone it, but just because they’ve said it doesn’t mean it’s true. I can tell everyone I meet that I’m the Queen of England, but that doesn’t mean I am. By employing DE Woman Beater, the Cowboys have proven that they support women being beaten. And yes, I expect Stephen A. Smith to be their next hire.
3. On a much ligher note… TUNE IN THURSDAY NIGHT BILLS-JETS GAME FOR COLOR RUSH JERSEYS! COLOR RUSH! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!! YEAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Sorry, I thought I was an NFL Network commercial for a second. My bad. I don’t understand the whole color rush thing. Why is this significant? And what do they mean by jerseys having color everywhere? I thought that was already the case. How do the current jerseys not have color in some places? That doesn’t seem right to me. How can they not have color? Even black and white are colors. If they were clear, sure, but the last time I checked, no team rocked clear jerseys.
Maybe I’m old and out of touch, but I don’t get this whole phenomenon. Then again, I just got a smart phone last year, so what do I know? If a**holes want to go out and buy these color-rush jerseys, God bless them. I’ll be sitting at home counting the money I’m not wasting on that crap, all while yelling at those damn kids to get off my lawn.
Random NFL Notes: Week 9:
1. I thought Pierre Garcon suing FanDuel this week was interesting, and it needs to be discussed. Garcon is an idiot, and here’s why:
First, he has no claim. Per the great Darren Rovell, “Names when tied to stats aren’t subject to right of publicity. Well established.” Second, Garcon made money off FanDuel when he promoted it on his Twitter account last year:
Derp, Pierre. Derp. The judge hearing this should just pick up his gavel and bop Garcon on the head for wasting everyone’s time.
Because Garcon has no chance of winning this lawsuit, let’s come up with other things he can sue once he loses this claim:
– The rain because it made Garcon wet when walking taking out the trash the one evening his man servant took the night off.
– Doors because Garcon has to exert energy opening them, which makes him depressed.
– His own skin because it hurt that one time he got a paper cut when he had to open an envelope when his man servant was unavailable.
– His man servant for taking off too many nights.
2. Speaking of daily fantasy, I like that all of the networks are incorporating this into their pre-game shows. Of course, they are doing this because FanDuel and Draft Kings pays them, but that’s fine. I’m all for capitalism, and you should be too; otherwise, gtfo #murica.
My problem with this, however, is incomplete analysis. I feel like CBS is the worst offender on Thursday night. Deion Sanders and Bill Cowher often choose one player to start, and Sanders often says something like, “Prime gonna choose the best player, because Prime only roll with the best players.”
That’s great and all – top-notch analysis – but couldn’t Sanders and Cowher put an entire lineup together? What’s the point of picking just one player? Why can’t they both assemble entire lineups each week, and then we can compare how they do throughout the year? And because there’s a salary cap in DFS, I imagine Sanders will quickly learn that the “Prime only roll with the best players” strategy is impossible most of the time.
3. The other big news was that ESPN announced that 300 people would be laid off and that Grantland would be shut down. This was not a surprise at all; in fact, I wrote in this space two months ago that ESPN was leaking oil and having some serious financial problems.
ESPN, in typical ESPN-type fashion, fired the wrong people. The company continued to lose quality personnel and continued to keep horrible people on like Jason Whitlock, the moronic Skip Bayless, and renowned racist and sexist Stephen A. Smith. It should be no surprise that ESPN has been in the red, as they’ve degraded from a respectable network to a corporation comprised of trolls, imbeciles and douche bags.
As for Grantland, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t thrilled with the news. Grantland was a good Web site and all, but I’m happy whenever a competitor goes down. And it’s not like most of the people there are losing their jobs, since they still have contracts.
I am confused by this, however. Grantland couldn’t have been that expensive to maintain; otherwise, it was never a good business model. I have to believe that it was, so why couldn’t ESPN keep it afloat? It’s just more incompetence by John Skipper, who can’t seem to do anything right.
Random NFL Notes: Week 8:
1. The Bills-Jaguars game was the only contest I was able to watch live on Sunday because of my sister’s wedding. Yeah, I know. Anyway, I thought I should offer my thoughts on the Yahoo! live stream.
It sucked for the most part, but the one positive was that there were fewer commercials. Unless I missed one, there was no commercial-kickoff-commercial sequence. So, that was good. However, there were so many more negatives. For one, the feed was fuzzy and the display was never clear. I felt like I was watching something online from 2003. It’s pretty embarrassing that Yahoo! couldn’t provide a better feed.
Also, I don’t know if this was an issue for anyone else, but the feed looped and repeated itself at times. One time, I heard the announcer say “gets a good job of getting length and width” like five times in a row. As a result, the CBS play-by-play feed was always two plays ahead of the Yahoo! stream.
Overall, I’d give this a C-. It was a nice experiment, but NFL games were made for TV. Even if the quality improves, it won’t even come close to watching a football game on a 50-inch LED TV while lounging on your couch.
2. Speaking of stupid things, the NFL fined Matthew Stafford last week for – get this – having “too much blue in his cleats” during a recent game.
Too… much… blue… in… his… cleats… OK, yeah, it still sounded just as stupid when I separate the words like that.
Wow. Just wow. Doesn’t the NFL have better things to do than to calculate the amount of blueness on Stafford’s cleats? I mean, come on. You have Greg Hardy making comments about shooting the other team and wanting to have sex with Tom Brady’s wife and her friends, and yet no fine. But oh no, God forbid you have too much blue on your cleats!
3. I highly enjoyed this. Check out this tweet from Big Daddy Graham, the Philly sports-talk host I like to listen to for Eagles overreaction Sunday night. The tweet itself looks innocent enough, and the responses do as well… until you reach absolute hilarity:
I just cracked up again, though with a bit of melancholy, as I fear as though I’m heading down @NoMoreIllness’ path.
Random NFL Notes: Week 7:
1. I normally like to make corny jokes here, but I need to talk about something serious first. As some of you may have heard, the idiots in the government are trying to argue that daily fantasy (FanDuel, Draft Kings, etc.) is gambling, and therefore should be illegal. For those of you, like me, who believe DFS should remain legal and the government should actually focus on things to, I don’t know, actually help improve this country, keep reading. If you’re a moron in the government, f*** off.
Daily Fantasy is not hurting anyone. It’s fun to play and makes Sundays more exciting. The government needs to be stopped from once again ruining this country with its archaic laws. Please help keep FanDuel and the other DFS sites going by signing this petition here.
Even if you don’t play DFS, please sign this so that we can keep our freedom and tell the overbearing government a**holes to go f*** themselves.
2. I’m pretty pissed off. Actually, I’ve been pissed off since last Thanksgiving. More pissed off than usual, in fact!
This is because my sister is getting married. I’m happy for her, and I like her fiance just fine, and I was in good spirits until she announced the date: this Sunday!
Yes, I’ll be missing Sunday football for the first time in my life. This wouldn’t have been a major issue if I were just a regular fan, but I run this Web site as my full-time job. The revenue I accumulate is how I pay my mortgage and my employees. Thus, missing an important day like a football Sunday is borderline catastrophic for my business.
I was so enraged when I first heard this. “I’m not going!” I shouted, but my girlfriend talked me down. I am going now, but I was dreading this upcoming weekend for the longest time. I just couldn’t believe it. She’s not a football fan, but how can a guy schedule his wedding on a football Sunday? Sunday weddings are the worst anyway, unless the following Monday is a holiday because people can’t drink heavily unless they take off the next day. It’s like, why don’t you want people to have any fun at your wedding? Why not do it on a Saturday night? Or how about a Sunday prior to Labor Day or Memorial Day, or whatnot? That would be so much better.
I was dreading this weekend for the longest time. I knew that because I’d miss all day Sunday, I’d have to make it up afterward, so there was a very realistic chance that I wouldn’t be sleeping for 48 hours. It would be the week from hell.
Fortunately, I have great employees. Without me knowing, Charlie Campbell talked to Chet Gresham and Pat Yasinskas, and they’ve offered to cover every game this Sunday. So, save for the Thursday and Monday night games, as well as the Bills-Jaguars London contest, since I don’t have to be there until 1:30, they’ll be doing the entire NFL Game Recaps page this week. So, with that in mind, thanks Charlie, Chet and Pat, for making my life so much incredibly easier! I look forward to actually sleeping and not being incredibly angry at my sister’s wedding. I’ll just be the normal sort of angry I usually am!
3. A quick word on Johnny Manziel, also known as Johnny Football, or perhaps Johnny Doucheball. If you haven’t heard, Manziel reportedly got into an argument with his girlfriend recently. As it turns out, Manziel allegedly assaulted her as well, as she took pictures of herself with bruises. While it’s always possible that someone like her could be lying, the NFL still needs to step in and suspend Johnny Doucheball for six games.
In the wake of these pictures being surfaced, is there anyone in the world naive enough who believes Johnny Doucheball didn’t do this? Johnny Doucheball is, well, a douche. I said it at the time, but his trip to rehab was such an obvious PR move, orchestrated by either his agent or the Browns. Despite this, many morons in the media believed that Johnny Doucheball was a changed man. Please. People usually don’t change unless they have a life-altering experience, and even then, it’s hit-or-miss. A couple of months in “rehab” couldn’t possibly prevent Johnny Doucheball from being, well, a douche. He’s still the same idiot who rolls $20s in bathrooms, and now he allegedly hits women.
I’m going to take it a step further and say that the Browns should cut Johnny Doucheball. Forget the fact that he sucks at football; he’s a horrible human being and is definitely a negative influence on the locker room. Cleveland needs to cut ties with him as soon as possible.
Random NFL Notes: Week 6:
1. I recently saw the best thing ever:
Wow. And the personality fits, too. Dan Campbell is talking about going back to being primates and running the Oklahoma drill. He’s even checking Ryan Tannehill’s privilege by making him apologize to the practice squad players. He’s so much tougher than Joe Philbin. Who does Philbin resemble, by the way?
I imagine Philbin said stuff like, “Ye… yes, PC Assistant Coach, mmmkay?” during coaches meetings.
2. There was some sort of scandal this week about Draft Kings, FanDuel and insider trading. FanDuel has been a sponsor of this Web site for quite some time now, so I thought I should address this.
FanDuel will continue to sponsor the site as long as they want to. That’s because I’m a fan of insider trading. I don’t see what’s wrong with it. If you have inside information, you should be able to take advantage of it and make as much money as possible. That’s the foundation of America, and if you don’t like it, you can get the fudge out and join some third-world country where people trade goat poop for stale bread. God Bless ‘Merica.
3. I guess this is a good of a time as any to promote the WalterFootball.com Podcast, which is sponsored by FanDuel. This just started about a month ago, and we already have 24 episodes. We have a weekly picks podcast with insight from my Supercontest partner Matvei, who went 12-3-1 ATS in Week 1 and 8-6 ATS in Week 4, so please check that out if you have the time.
Random NFL Notes: Week 5:
1. I completely forgot to discuss the whole Ed Hochuli scandal last week. I planned on writing about it, but it totally slipped my mind. So, it’s time to make amends.
Charlie Campbell tweeted out that Hochuli should be fired if he gave veterans special preferences. I would definitely agree with that. However, there’s no way of knowing two things: 1) If Hochuli even actually said anything resembling that (it’s possible Cam Newton either misheard or happened to be lying.) 2) Hochuli was saying it in jest. If Hochuli happened to be joking, it’s whatever. It might have been a joke to perhaps avoid an argument he didn’t feel like having. If so, that’s fine. Nothing needs to be done.
However, there’s a chance that Hochuli could have been serious. I think it’s something the NFL should perhaps monitor. I wouldn’t spend too many resources on it, but if preferential calls are blatantly obvious, the league should step in and at least suspend Hochuli. But as for right now, there’s really nothing the league can do, since it just doesn’t have nearly all of the information. Perhaps Roger Goodell will ask Ted Wells to create a sequel to his report about this.
2. On a brighter note, I usually get hate mail mixed in with a couple of fan mails here and there. This particular e-mail was something I’d call awesome mail:
Wow! That’s fantastic. I get more upset over losing my picks because readers might be losing money, but seeing something like this makes me feel great. I hope the picks turn around so you can all can profit off those in addition to the fantasy advice both Chet and I provide.
Oh, and if you want to see Mike’s FanDuel lineup, here it is:
I don’t know how Mike had the foresight to start LeGarrette Blount, who did nothing the week before, but that was a great call on his part. Way to go!
I post my FanDuel Picks every Thursday morning. FanDuel is also a sponsor of the WalterFootball.com Podcast, so if you haven’t already, sign up with promo code WALTERFOOTBALL.
3. Some of my favorite times of the year include Thanksgiving (for all of the great food), Memorial Day (the beginning of summer) and the start of football season. Oh, and the time of year when a kicker screws up his team’s chances, prompting many crazy fans to flood his Wikipedia page and alter it. Here’s what some rabid Steeler fans did to Scobee’s:
Hey, hey, hey… Scobee might suck, but there is nothing wrong with shankopotomus losers. My girlfriend tells me she’s with me because I happen to be one!
Random NFL Notes: Week 4:
1. I wanted to mention this a couple of weeks ago, but it slipped my mind. I’m thrilled that ESPN moved its Sunday NFL Countdown – or, as Keyshawn Johnson once called it, NFL Sunday Countdown – back to 11 a.m. It was brutal at 10, since I had to wake up at 9:45 on a Sunday to make fun of former players. Getting up at 10:45 is so much better for a lazy, fat man like myself.
The show seems to be better – for the most part. I like that they have a DFS segment, since that’s what most viewers care about, and I think they should expand on that even more. The only thing I don’t like about Sunday NFL Countdown is that they now featured renowned racist Stephen A. Smith, who has his own segment for some reason. Smith does his usual act – he yells incoherently at the camera and throws in some random, college-level words that are used incorrectly so he can sound smart. It’s a joke that ESPN is keeping him around at such a high salary when it lost some of its more talented writers/radio personalities, like Bill Simmons and Colin Cowherd…
2. …And Pat Yasinskas, who was easily the top team reporter on ESPN’s Web site. Pat now writes for us, and he’s covering the NFC South like he used to for ESPN. Pat also has his own blog, where he’ll be covering and opining about the hottest topics across the NFL. Check those links out.
3. Going back to ESPN, it’s no secret that the company is leaking oil. It’s losing money, and it seems as though the guy running it now, John Skipper, is an egomaniacal douche who couldn’t handle Simmons or Cowherd’s personalities. Skipper likes to suspend people for no good reason and surround himself with a**holes, which is why he’s happy to employ the incompetent Smith at such a high salary.
The next guy Skipper might ax? How about Scott Van Pelt? I’m a fan of SVP; I agree with many of his views, and his nightly SportsCenter show is pretty damn good. However, Van Pelt said the following recently daily fantasy.
So, Van Pelt criticized something Roger Goodell, Skipper’s douchey best friend, said about Daily Fantasy? Ruh-roh. As with Simmons and Cowherd, Van Pelt might be asked to take a massive pay cut when his contract expires, and when he inevitably moves to another company, Skipper can compound his mistakes by putting Stephen A. Smith on this version of SportsCenter, which would then become the most unwatchable show of all time.
Random NFL Notes: Week 3:
1. This is not my Video of the Week, but I need to post this. There are tons of Cowboys fans living in the Philadelphia area, so if you’ve never met one, here’s what they look like (thanks, Michael M):
I think the best part of this video was the guy saying that they need to bring the Heisman back to Dallas, and then he tried to play it off in the comments section as if he really meant to say that just to see if people were paying attention.
2. Speaking of a**holes, Broncos’ rookie pass-rusher Shane Ray can be described as one, at least according to this e-mail I’ve received. An e-mailer calling himself BosworthB sent me the following:
Wow. How douchey and pretentious do you have to be that you think you can exchange one of your slutty groupies with some guy’s wife? What a scumbag.
Well, there is at least a silver lining. And it’s that Ray will soon go bankrupt if he continues to spend money on overpriced coffee at Starbucks.
3. I wrote something in Week 1 that Charlie Campbell was able to clarify for me. I wondered why the Buccaneers scheduled a 4:25 p.m. game against the Titans instead of a 1 p.m. start. At 1, they could take advantage of the scorching Florida sun, much like Miami did last year against New England. At 4:25, it wouldn’t be as hot, and there would also be the risk of a thunderstorm delay.
Charlie told me that all early-season Buccaneer home games are in the 4 p.m. window because of the heat. Apparently, many fans complained that the conditions were too hot.
And now we know why the Buccaneers are a dreadful 13-33 against the spread in their previous 46 home games. I can’t believe those fans are such wusses. The players, who are in pads, didn’t complain, yet some a**holes can’t sit in the stands for a few hours? Ridiculous. If the Glazers actually cared about what was going on, they’d tell those fans to go f*** themselves and move back to 1 p.m. to take advantage of what could be a great homefield.
Random NFL Notes: Week 2:
1. There was a report Sunday morning that said the Seahawks and Kam Chancellor were $900,000 apart in negotiations. Seeing Dion Bailey fall down on the Lance Kendricks game-tying touchdown may give Chancellor more leverage, but I hope it doesn’t. In fact, I would suggest for the Seahawks not to pay Chancellor a single dime.
These negotiations are ridiculous. I can understand a player entering his contract season asking for more money. That’s actually logical. But Chancellor signed his deal a year ago. How can anyone ask for more money just one season into a 4-year deal?
I think the Seahawks caving to Chancellor’s demands would set a bad precedent. If Chancellor gets what he’s asking for, what’s to stop every other player from doing the same one year into a long-term contract? And what if they declare that they want even more money a season after that? It’s a slippery slope that Seattle’s front office should definitely avoid.
2. I know you all have your share of bad fantasy beats. I really want to discuss one of mine, only because I’ve had the worst luck ever in this league I’ve been in since 2002. I’ve only won one championship in that league since I started playing in it, as I always get screwed over with injuries or inexplicable bad performances. You remember that awful showing from Adrian Peterson against the 49ers in his rookie year? Yup, had him, and it cost me a playoff game. I have so many other stories, and even my friend Kenny laughed at what happened this past weekend. He texted me: “You have the worst luck I’ve ever seen in this league!”
Check out this scoreboard. Just look at it:
Yeah. Ridiculous. And my team is stacked, too:
I know hearing people complain about bad fantasy beats isn’t very entertaining, but I just had to vent about this.
3. I miss Bill Simmons. I really do. Hearing him overreact to stuff each week was a good strategy on which teams to fade and whatnot. That’s why I got nostalgic seeing this:
Ah, good times. If I would’ve heard Simmons rant about how the Patriots were a lock to cover, I would’ve bet the house on Steelers +7.5. Sure, they backdoored, but they outgained the Patriots by 100-plus yards, but lost because they constantly shot themselves in the foot.
Unfortunately, Simmons had to go and criticize Roger Goodell, prompting him to get fired. I’m actually glad ESPN is losing lots of money. They’re getting what they deserve.
Random NFL Notes: Week 1:
1. I feel like I need to lead off with the new extra point rule. Quite frankly, it’s stupid. Very stupid. And no one should be surprised that Roger Goodell came up with it.
I get that the 33-yard one-pointer provides a bit more drama, and that’s nice, but there are two issues with it: First, it makes the kicker position way more important. Kickers already are emphasized too much, as last-second field goals already decide tons of games. Now, extra points will as well? Call me crazy, but I think the actual players should decide the games. There’s nothing we can do about field goals at the end of games, but now, teams that have weaker kickers are even at a greater disadvantage. Like I said, it’s stupid.
Second, if the mob or a Vegas syndicate is going to influence a game – and it happens, albeit more so in college, particularly the MAC – they have a better chance of making sure the fix is in if they bribe/extort a kicker desperately in need of cash. Kickers, after all, usually don’t make very much, which really doesn’t make much sense considering that Goodell is so hell bent on making sure they are extremely important. It makes you wonder if he profits from all of these shenanigans.
2. Another thing that happens to be stupid? How about those new NFL.com Fantasy Football commercials? I’m referring to the ones where the narrator says something like, “If it wasn’t for fantasy football, what would you talk to your friends about?” I like the premise, but the one with Odell Beckham Jr. pisses me off. Victor Cruz asks him, “Should I start you or Julio this week?”
Odell or Julio…? What sort of league is this a**hole in? Is there only one starting spot in his fantasy lineup? Is he in a two-man league? In what scenario couldn’t he start onlyBeckham or Jones? I get that the NFL Network was trying to be funny with these, but it wouldn’t have hurt if they had gotten someone who actually plays fantasy to make sure the ad made sense.
3. The NFL preseason is over. If you missed my NFL Preseason Recaps, check them out here. In addition to discussing the games, I also made fun of the homer announcers. They were as bad as ever this year. The Patriots’ broadcasters wouldn’t shut up about Tom Brady’s nullified supension and failed to discuss the game at all. They even brought in two random bozos who work from Bob’s Discount Furniture to talk about how great it was to have Brady back. Elsewhere, there was this epically awkward interview between a Ravens sideline reporter and John Harbaugh:
Sideline reporter: End of the half, missed opportunities, do you feel?
John Harbaugh: Well, you don’t want to fumble the ball.
Sideline reporter: What about the 2-minute defense giving up the touchdown at the end?
John Harbaugh: We don’t want to give up touchdowns at the end. … Give me a good question, and I’ll answer it.
Sideline reporter: Thank you, coach.
Worst of all, there was Ron Wolfley. Or, maybe, best of all, because he’s so weird that it’s entertaining. Here’s what you’ve been missing if you haven’t kept up with the preseason recaps:
I’d be remiss if I didn’t list some quotes from Cardinals color analyst Ron Wolfley. If you’ve never heard him, Wolfley is insane. I’m not kidding. He says the craziest things, like…
J.J. Nelson is a rail with eyeballs!
Cool. I was thinking about getting a rail with eyeballs as my next pet, so I may name it J.J.
I guarantee you right now, David Johnson has got the sauce on the boys.
During a game? Really? Perhaps later, in the comfort of his own bedroom while downloading some exotic videos, but not during a game, Wolf!
Every orifice of your body opens up and stuff comes out.
Man, what kind of exotic videos does Wolf download?
I like the way he stoked it right there!!!
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I’d rather have a sumo wrestler kick me in the cradle!
Uhh… not that there’s anything wrong with that either?
Ted Larsen, you don’t want him to show up if he’s selling something on Craigslist, if you know what I mean. You’ll show up to his apartment, and there will be dim lighting.
Wow. So Wolf is saying that Larsen is a serial killer? Or just a horrible Craigslist seller to deal with?
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