Emmitt on the Brink - Season 5: Week 5

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

GOODELL WARRANT HOLDUP EXPLAINED

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Sept. 29, 2017

We've been wondering why there has been a holdup in the search warrant for Roger Goodell's home. Replacement official Jerry Frump's dying confession was that Goodell gave him orders to feign his usual cowardice so that Ryan Mathews would suffer a Bountygate II-related injury nearly two weeks ago. There's been growing speculation that Goodell is the mastermind behind Bountygate II, yet Emmitt, the NFL's investigator, can't even talk to Goodell because the NFL commissioner is hiding in his estate.

"Roger Goldman makin' himselves look very suspicion. Very suspicion," said a frustrated Emmitt. "All I want to do is go to his house, search all his room, look in all his pocket, and put wire on his head and ask him question for the smoke detector test."

Goodell's lawyers may have something to say about the latter part, but Emmitt won't be able to do anything while the police drag their feet with the warrant paperwork. It hasn't been clear why they've taken so long, but the reason is now known - it's because the city is being run by replacement police officers.

"It's been terrible," said Amy Matthews, a female citizen in her 40s who happens to be married to a grocer. "They don't know any of the laws and they've gotten everything wrong."

And that's an understatement. The replacement police officers can't even differentiate the good guys from the criminals. In a recent bank robbery attempt, the police didn't even bother with hostage negotiations; instead, they charged through the front door as soon as they arrived on the scene of the crime. Rather than arresting the bank robbers, they cuffed the people who were held at gunpoint.

"No, the guys holding the guns were obviously the victims," said lieutenant Blaine Helliot. "The people at gunpoint looked scared, and studies have shown that people who look scared are often criminals."

That's far from the only mistake the replacement policemen have made this past week. Undercover replacement officer Will Shermansen infiltrated a major drug cartel. He had all of the vital information about all of the major players, but instead of arresting them, he recommended all of them for medals of honor.

"When I discovered that these people were selling drugs, it really made me respect them," Shermansen said. "Drugs help cure diseases, and it makes me proud as an American that these selfless people are willing to give out drugs at discounted prices to those in need. It almost makes me want to cry."

It's minor stuff too. Replacement police officers are pulling over speeding drivers and telling them to go faster. Drunk drivers were escorted to a bar and given free drinks. Even the replacement traffic cops are causing problems, as one purposely led a group of children into oncoming traffic. It's been absolute mayhem, but Mayor Ron Bing didn't sound concerned. On the contrary, he was pleased with all of the results.

"The replacement police officers I've brought in have shown great improvement," Bing said. "It's assuring to know we have such fine officers who can step in while the labor negotiating with the normal police officers are ongoing."

Why do we get the feeling that it'll take something colossal for Mayor Bing to change his mind?

POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND

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Emmitt on the Brink - Season 5: Week 5

GOODELL WARRANT HOLDUP EXPLAINED

POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND

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